You basked in the wide stares of seeking glaze,
in the sensual touch,
that could be felt from the most vast distances,
your clocks of youthful imaginations,
spun the ticks of all that could become between you,
just from a gaze of two strangers that lasted a second,
but sometimes felt like fate deciding minutes.

Whether it was upon the street passing a slight bump between you,
or the man in the library who picked up one of your favorite books,
a stranger...a friend...or an acquaintance that made you smile once,
a person your age,
or a man who maybe had more years carved into his structure,
the thought expressed within you at that exact moment,
was always a fantasy of love that one day you hoped be reality.

But somewhere a foggy area between the past and the present,
the framework ticked dramatically into a newer vision that,
dulled but quickened the senses,
that lock of eyes that made blushed cheeks,
that engineered the warm shiver that went from head to feet,
altered in a way that made once curling toes,
walk faster with rushed speed.

In that grey area between the past and present...somewhere,
made those seeking eyes become one of a predator,
those Eden loving dreams turned into warning images,
of dark alleyways,
footsteps that climbed up your spine in the night,
torment of a stolen body

I wonder when you changed,
when did those cute half smiles become signs of future blood,
of bleeding out if you returned the slightest hint,
was it growth?
was it knowledge of the world?
or was it experiences?
what was it?

What made those locked eyes go from 'plans'
to..."what the hell is he planning"

It's cold,
Too cold,
My co worker says I might have low blood pressure,
That it's strange my body never seems to be able to adapt to the cold,
My hand hurts as we walk,
Feeling the cracks already exposing,
And my lips a purplish blue,
My mouth dries,
And we separate as our routes take us different directions.

The night feels dark,
Of course the night is dark..
But it feels too dark.

The ground glitters from the crystallization,
Beautiful but makes it's surroundings feel like shadows,
So much darker.

I don't want to slip so every step is deliberate,
But the night feels like it's sinking,
And my ten minute walk starts to feel like 30.

Noises in the loneliness sets my heart pumping,
I accidentally stepped on a branch,
And the crack sound in my mind was a warning sign from the universe,
I need the safety of my home and quick.

The swishes of my trousers speed up joining my heart beat,
As I feel my mind starts to mentally break,
Like I'm on a brick wall in the middle of a turbulent black sea,
Knowing if I fall I'm gone.

I wonder why I've become like this,
Is it too much viewership of dark content?
Or do I just know cruelty exists,
If so from what?
From my history?
If so...what exact part?

Finding the source of my ****** reactions aids distraction from the occuring distress,
If I cant find the source,
Then the only explanation left is the one I'm truly terrified of..
That I can sense what's to come,
My impending doom,
That if I'm not home,
I'm not going to be anywhere at all,
If I don't quicken my speed,
The black sea whoever...
Whatever that may be,
Will swallow...

There will be no me.

These are my thoughts as im walking tonight,
I wonder if anyone has any similar ones.

The world is rotting,
And I'll rather rot with it,
Then to be a white flower,
Warily waiting to be wilted.

I wont care about you today,
As how I cared for you yesterday,
And how I'll care for you tomorrow.

I wont reach for you today,
As how I've held you dear all these years,
And how I will definitely continue to.

I wont seek your attention today,
As how I have longed for your affection,
And how I soon will beg for the absolution of it.

I wont have your promised advancement today,
As how yesterday and the days before,
Was only ever amorous play...

As your ash-heap talking,
I wont have it today,
I cant..

For the world is dark,
But my feelings are never the same shade,
Makes it so much more painful...
Like an angel stuck in hell.

And it saddens me to know,
That our time spent together...
Is longer in my mind,
than in the physical realm.

That our memories,
Last further than our future,
And my love for you..
Outwins and ruins my own temple.

It’s thought-consuming
             And staggering to register

that you’re not still alive because                    
        you want to live but because you’re   

too afraid of                                                          

                                                               ­  death.

The strange occurrence of love,
is one to not indulge,
in a vision with no light,
the black is a loving home,
with broken souls that become a gentle touch,
what once was blue from blurs of youth,
is grey with undignified truth,
do I ditch the spoken or the seen,
the felt or the unreality,
the body or the soul,
the heart or my cold bones,
echoes of conscious and the unwilled,
fireflies and deaths of stillness,
a mix of nothing and the scrape of something,
the lack of knowledge about my understanding,
mix of thoughts and lack of action,
seems my mind has turned into
a poisoned slushi of carnage
and
dying passion.

From bed to couch,
with shoulders sharing a distant brush,
you light a cigarette between sharp teeth,
your back bent so the cherry illuminates my naked knee.

That small fire spark,
of blooming blushing color,
grants me more warmth,
than you are willing to donate and let me discover.

It's smoke fumes the voiceless room,
the ashes drift delicately to embrace the floor,
I watch with eyes of green and wobbling lips,
until you complete the parting ritual.

Once you're gone I sit for a while,
mulling and chewing on my gagging thoughts,
endlessly seeking an answer for just...
one dreading question.

Why does smoke and ashes,
always linger longer around me,
than your presence?

Oh he the wounded wounder,
With wounds that bled on us all,
His Daughters and Sons,
Now bounder to the flogger,
Cursed to always follow that whip's call.