And it’s the darkness in me that draws me to the sunshine in you
Like perhaps one day I could make it to that place and I could feel like something might be okay.
But since it’s today rather than someday I’ll stay away and keep my mind locked inside the confines of these pages
You see, it’s that bright light in your eyes that helps blind me from seeing what an ugly truth we turned out to be.
You’re something sweet that I could never need despite my deficiencies.
So tonight I’ll play the slow tunes, just like you always liked.
We could dance around the room pretending we’re not stepping on each others shoes.
So tell me how to move and I’ll move mountains,
In spite of being outside of the right side of my mind I can’t help but find your smile to tug at my corroded heart strings,
We breath deeply when all that surrounds us is dust and debris
I slip slowly into sleep
Despite these tired eyes
I’ve found rest somewhere along these blurred lines.
Crisp as a winters morning, caressing the curve that run down your sides.
The smooth lines in your collar taste sweet, and it’s unique.
Because I don’t need this,
I don’t need to step over any of these lines because it’s the lines themselves I find most appealing.
And it’s the softness of your lips that leave me reeling
So tell me what to say,
In this competition of how quickly we can step away before the pitfalls of emotion grasp our heartstrings and pull us into something we can’t escape from.
So tell me what to do,
So that me and you might have the tools to choose our fate in a way we couldn’t or wouldn’t at some earlier time
And perhaps we could find some common ground where we could build the foundation of this house we keep our lies inside
We keep our hearts tucked behind the things we keep alive
Because these things keep us confined in a place where we feel safe,
In this house where brokenness is commonplace
I want to see the stars,
Somewhere far from where we are we let go
We let go
Of all the things that once gave us hope
Because the last thing we want to do is keep feeling this way, like maybe one of us will change cause we won’t
Like maybe we’ll find love somewhere inside all the lies we tell ourselves to bide our time
With a gasp we pass at opportunity,
Because we cannot or won’t
Of this we’re never sure
And in turn we burn the midnight hour doing things we know we shouldn’t
Running through thoughts we wouldn’t at any earlier time of day
We find in times of turmoil the easiest to turn away,
We have our own worries and troubles.
And it’s this distance that offers us intrinsic value,
Like cold shoulders have been our most valuable currency since day one and we don’t know how to trade in anything else anymore.
So here I lay in a bed of roses hoping to breath you in one last time.
And that’s why I feel so possessive of your time because time is all I have to offer
I’m not patient, nor am I kind
I am just like him in more ways than I wish to admit.
I died my hair mostly because I like it.
But somewhere else was a hope that the bleach would seep into my brain,
Maybe lighten up my mind in a way that might make me appealing to someone some day.
My good traits expired when I was significantly younger,
I talk too much,
I’m too quiet,
My skins bumps and cracks to reveal a spiteful angry interior,
I have a temper,
I don’t listen very well,
I don’t talk enough,
I ask too many questions but don’t want the answers.
Because it’s truly me I fear somewhere inside a confident facade.
I try to find the lines between who I want to be and who I once was,
It’s blurry here.
And everything I fear coexists inside my feelings for a girl I barely know
And it’s somewhere far away I hope we’ll go so maybe I can start over yet again and be something someday
But that somethings nothing new
A reinvention of a rusty tin can
Is still a rusty tin can
I’m just hope hoping I can rattle around the sounds you make as you shoot for the stars
My head pressed against the glass
Hoping we could be more than just two people with a past
And it’s here I fear my journey ends because I was always earthbound
I’m not sure I have the strength to stay in town
Because you’re the bull in the china shop of my mind
And it’s with each passing day I find a little more of my facade shatters and soon you’ll see that I’m not all I’m cracked up to be I’ve never been courageous unless we’re playing pretend and this got real far too quickly for me to comprehend
So it’s to that end I run as fast as my words can carry me until there’s nothing left of me and you but just a someone I once knew
And yet I can’t help but get these butterflies when I see you and these butterflies feel like they’re eating me from inside
And so what if this isn’t real,
I FEEL it.
I’m
Like a child standing before a storm I am afraid.
I long for a hand to hold,
And I hope that hand to be yours,
So I’ll stand perfectly still,
In hopes that you won’t see through me and my glass visage.
I stand in a broken home,
Thinking of why I can’t just hold my tongue.
So I’ll take a swig of this confidence and tell you how I feel.
I know how this will end, and that’s what makes it so nerve wracking.
I don’t trust me anymore,
I’ve been dreaming of a day that I realize now will never come.
A day where we’re something more than just two people with a past,
And perhaps I’m not built to last,
And perhaps you are,
And that’s why we’re always so far apart

Sitting in pews,

Wondering which casket with legs is you.

Holding on to a pocket watch that stopped

Keeping track of the time.

Stained glass windows,

Telling a different story depending on the time of day.

Crows bay,

The hounds scream,

The moon says hello to the day.

Hymnals dusty, and cracked at the spines,

We feel the tide of anxiety rise.

Silence.

Silver.

Like the clouds on this day.

Hello.

Good bye.

Something new to say.

A little bit of this,
A little bit of that,
And like that,
It cracks.

We found the insides of our minds to be a little darker shade of blue than either of us have pursued.

So here we lie softly in a bed of roses.

Thinking about distant better things.

Thinking of the times when you were with me and I with you in more than just heart and mind.

But at the same time, the glory days are never as glorious as they seem in hind sight,
We were always bound to end up this way,
Separated by a mutual lack of faith we climb for better things in parallel for no other reason than the stone cold fear that it might not be all it is in my mind.
So I stay the course just watching from a distance because I'm so afraid it will turn out just like every other time.
And you won't be mine either way so I'll just sit here and say it's better this way even though I know it's a **** lie.

There’s too much venom in our veins,
This will never feel the same.
Even our midnight talks about the deepest parts of our hearts are filled with the pain we can’t let go.
Like we’re at each other’s throats.
We could be as many years removed as we please but you and me can never be,
As close as we were so sure we were something unique.
Surely nothing would break us but here we are shattered and the only thing we see is who we were in that moment.
And those people are different on both sides and you have the audacity to call me arrogant while in the same breath you refuse to acknowledge your fault in all of this.
Guilty of so much I will be the bigger person and slink away and let you take your place in some far away maybe I’ve let go of long ago.
I’m not built for this.
Too many goodbyes have passed my lips but here’s to one more, hoping I can cry about one less girl.
Keep my thoughts to myself until you leave and find that no matter how hard I try I can’t keep this inside.
It’s over. It’s done.
God put you in my life for a reason but I’m done listening to false hope.
You will always see yourself as superior, just as you always have and I will be a window to other things.
Well I’m not opening for you again.
Goodbye.

Darling you look like hell,
These broken bones prove you were lying when you said words would never hurt you
And it’s times like these I string my rhymes together so that they can form the realizations I can never come to on my own
I’m trapped inside those big brown eyes
And it’s only in my mind where we were fine
Like the words we spoke were clouds we flew too instead of graves we dug for this relationship
And it seems as though we were in the wrong place at the wrong time
Our minds were unfit for a love as grand and hopeless as ours
And so I’ll ask orion if we can have a spot next to him in the stars
Because after all we fall so we can get back up and try again
But we’ve run out of do-overs
My tank is on empty and lately I’ve been filling it with whiskey and too many cigarettes,
Like somehow I can burn my way through this frozen skin and live again.
Maybe I’ll find life through another,
Hollowly sleeping around as if somehow I might find where it all went wrong
Like this is just some big misunderstanding
You never said those things and neither did I
We never meant any of it and we can fly again
Take a page from icaruses book and live like tonight is our last
Even though I know We’ll be here again waking up wondering what we’ve done

This hurts,
Like nothing I’ve ever felt I feel like my mind is slowly turning a darker shade of you
Like the walls I’ve so carefully built are rotting from the inside
It’s rain damage in the foundation of who we were,
Damaged from the start, it was destined to end this way
I just wish we had more time before you showed me the true nature of your foul and inconsidered words.
And you defended yourself valiantly but you stood your ground when it was the ground you stood on that stands between us.
Our scares are the battleground we wage war upon, like my hurt means a thing on this cold April night.
These snow storms in spring remind me that not everything can follow a code of rules,
Some spirits can’t be tamed and yours is a beast I’ve fallen in love with
But it’s that love believe it or not that leads me to the conclusion that we could have never even landed with the stars despite our aims.
We were always earthbound

These clouds linger
Like the thoughts storming through your head,
And it is here that I wonder,
If I am already dead
To you who I layed my soul down
To you who picked it up,
Deemed unworthy
I find myself unable to settle
For another who accepts the pieces you rejected
For another who can fit within the confines of my mind,
You left a hole
In the shape of you
And I wear that scar on my skin like a prideless reminder of my arrogance
For falling in love with an angel
Because who am I,
But a simple man with simple wants and nothing more
You who has taken the world by storm
Me who has been capsized by its raging seas
You who held me as I cried
And then proceeded to leave

Your beauty is haunting me
It draws a fine line between irational and rational state of being
Like the life we chose doesn't define the right and wrong on either side of my mind
I can't define what it is that makes me feel this way

Because this isn't caused by some lack of faith, truthfully
I just feel like sometimes you block my view into the inside of your mind because you're terrified of what I might find
And I can't decide if it's because of something I've done,
My arms stretched wide enough to catch whatever piece of you I can find, I've given you everything
Why do I still feel like a stranger when I look at you, as if the contours of your skin are as far as you'll ever let me in and even when I feel like I'm finally close to your core, you put on a few layers more,
Like this love is a burden you want no part of,
Like your frozen shoulder might melt if you put some distance between it and the stone cold fear,
And I think I can't breath because it feels like I've seen this before,
You're struggling to carry the weight of the world I live in and I can't seem to even take my own weight off the globe resting on your shoulder blades,
I just know that I love you and I hope you'll stay,
Because this love isn't likely to go away.

imagine me and you
Just imagine what we could do
If we were me and we were you
we would be we wouldn't we
So let's imagine me and you

I guess that's all i can do
from across this crowded room

So lets freeze this frame pause this play
And let's say
I walk up and talk up you
What would you do
Let's say I'm smooth
and you get you too
walk with me
let's shoot for the moon and wind up far beyond the stars
Gonna go far
gonna go far
gonna go far

I'll just imagine me and you
from across this crouded room
I don't have the courage to say anything
So let's see how far imagination
imagination
Imagination takes me
Gonna go far
gonna go far
gonna go far beyond the stars

Let's imagine me and you

Here I am again, with a tightness in my chest that only means one thing
I'm falling and it's not in love
Deep within the confines of my mind is scar tissue so grotesque that no scalpel or other remedy has yet to remove it
And it's under this that houses the secrets that aren't so secret anymore
I've been exposed and I don't know how to cope...
How do I explain the inner workings of something that's broken
I don't
That's my answer
I've lost the warmth you've asked for many years ago
I don't do understanding just as I don't do love
Not anymore, and yes it's been a while since
But I'm still sore
And my throat still stings like a mouth full of saltwater,
And my lungs burn like a breath of sulfur and cigarette smoke,
My veins web like train tracks trying to carry life back to a heart that beats thanks to a grace I'll never deserve
And it's this life I lead that troubles my mind late at night,
Lying next to someone wondering what I'm doing with my life like a light bulb with a paper filament I feel like I'm on borrowed time
And it's this fire I feel that I am scared for
For I'm afraid of the dark
And the only other source of light in my life at the present time comes from someone I barely know
And it's in this cold home I find myself with a keyboard tap tapping through thoughts that probably shouldn't be exposed to those who know me but here we are
Words have always been hard but somehow I find these lines flow from my mind like spilled bleach wiping away all other words I could say
Because talk is cheap but I hope these words hold meaning
And that it may better reveal the cracks in my facade for I am no different
I pretend like everyone else
And my only hope now comes from these very same cracks for I hope that somewhere somehow a light can find it's way back into those thin walls in between the tectonic plates of my heart.
A light in the dark

And so I was foolish enough to believe that I knew everything
At least about this one thing
That you and I were destined for something greater then anything I had ever dreamed,
That your high rise state of mind would ballance out my desire to settle,
I would love with a ferocity I had never shown in anything
I would hold one truth apparent above all others that life would be lived not as one but two,
And I had the ring to prove it,
I guess we'll never know which knee to bend down first
Because life isn't always fair and it isn't everyone who cares,
And I wish I had the depth of character and the state of mind to climb outside of the walls my mind has hid behind,
It's a terrifying place to be at this time of night.
And it's these truths I hold to be evident in light of the current circumstances,
Love is a sham,
I've said it before and I'll say it again
Love is the most destructive force known to man.

And it was all at once I knew that she never loved me.
It wasn't because of spite and it wasn't because she never tried,
It just was
She thought she did,
But love is elusive and it's easy to love someone in parts,
And in parts she loved me well,
Until I fell to pieces
And then it came,
The I can't do this, the I's in her eyes
And I knew she didn't know,
I wanted to be angry,
Because I loved her with all of me
But she only loved me with pieces.
And maybe one day she'll know
I truly hope so,
But for now I'll remember the pieces.

Today I lost a friend,
I've watched from afar as he severed his life lines one by one while begging for more,
He dove head first into a pile of crushed pills and clouds of smoke until his soul found it couldn't live in the battered body any longer.
Today, I lost a friend.
When I told him how much it hurt to see him destory himself,
He assured me that HE was okay.
Today, I can't watch it anymore.
He wants this, and I am not brave enough to try and stop him.
I tried that once.
It didn't work.
Today, I let him go.
Because the eyes I once knew have been swallowed by the kind of insanity I wish upon nobody to see.
He spoke, but no words came out.
A string of words that vaguely resembled a message, about time travel and enlightenment tied together by a god complex that was always slightly there.
Today, I mourn.
Today, I lost a friend.

Today, the sun exploded.
With a fiery gasp, it let its last,
The sun exploded.
And in a picturesque moment for a micro second, nobody knew.
People left for work, and were angry about the wrong kind of milk in their latte's because nobody knew that the sun exploded.
For a brief time things were okay
Because nobody knew this was the last day
Before the sun exploded.

This tightness in my chest,
It coencides with a darkness in my mind that only comes and around every once in a while,
And while those whiles seem more frequent then they used too I still don't understand why anxiety exists.
For the most part, everything has a scientific purpose.
Depression is your bodies way of telling you you're not okay,
And that if you're not your brain chemistry is really ****** up and you should probably get that checked out.
But what the HELL does anxiety have to say that I haven't heard before.
I know I'm ugly, I know I'm cold, I know this is going to be hard, most things worth doing usually are so what kind of evolutionary purpose does anxiety serve?
Or are we defective?
Am I broken?
I don't wish to feel this way I just wonder about the fabric of nothing sometimes, and I don't breath.
I don't think anyone would wish to feel this way, we just wonder about each other sometimes and don't see.

So if poetry is a riddle, is love the key?

Do we subtract sadness?

Take away fear?

What about pain?

In this equation who gains?

Life's a never ending circle of questioning what comes next,

And I'm not sure

Because I've felt a feeling I can't quite keep a hold of,

And it slips from my fingers just as it slips from my mind

And in this crawlspace inside my head I've decided, that we're better off alive.

Despite the pain that grows,

The anger that flows through our veins I still believe that we are at the very least,

Human.

And that is a thing in and of itself, to be able to say that today, I am and therefor will be and therefore always will be because I believe it to be such,

And tomorrow, I think I'll love.

And maybe I'll find a reason to cry,

Or a reason to yell or a reason to scream or day dream.

And maybe, I'll write poetry,

A symphony of constructed thought like I was born into a world where nothing else matters,

And maybe you can too,

Maybe you can believe in things that break you,

Like the things that don't **** me make me strong

The things that I do wrong today I won't do wrong tomorrow,

I hope

And nobody is perfect, and nobody should try to be

But with a language as fluid, and universal as feeling?

Why restrict it to the grandest of all?

Let's get down to brass tacks,

The nitty gritty, let's find the dark spots so that the bright ones seem brighter

Let's fill the room with ***** things so that you don't worry so much about what's under your fingernails.

Let's find out how beautiful beauty can be but first, a little perspective

Let's live through these hard times so we know how much better things can get

Let's find out how many feelings you can feel in just a few short years,

Let's become the people we always dreamt of being, and true change seems to stem only from tragedy,

But let's embrace them,

Because all of these things?

Are what makes you, you.

I fear a great many things,
None so severe as the feeling itself.

But it's a self fulfilling circle of hating myself more then I did yesterday,

And I can't tell if it's anxiety or courage that makes me stay away from any and all who I could bother with my misplaced stumbling and mumbling through what others call conversation.

I never know how long to pause or how long I'm aloud to gather my thoughts,

And words are hard, In the spoken sense because with nearly everyone I meet there's a sense of urgency.

Like we're the last two people in the world and they have somewhere more important to be,
So I let them.

If they want to rush through the vast cosmos of thought then I let them,
I let them walk by and I don't say a word because words are hard
And I'd rather spend time with the abstract concepts that tear like a twister through my mind as if being painfully real and a pleasant fairy tale at the very same time.

And this isn't a puff peace to make you feel something like this person I am is someone to be pittied or looked down on.

Words are hard because I don't quite see the point,

Talk is cheap, it can be found anywhere, it spills from our lips like liquid fools gold,

I'm no fool.

And it's about that time of year and time of day where my mind is a place to stay away from
Stear clear of it when you see me on the sidewalk and cross the street to avoid me like I exude the fear I feel inside
What if I can't make it to tomorrow because tomorrow never comes
What if all this false confidence I claim fades away to show my true face and I'm terrified
That I can't love quite right because my love comes from inside and my insides are turned inside out with how I feel right now
And it's the moments where I'm laying in bed and staring at the constant cycle of the blades of my cieling fan wondering a thousand and three different things
Chief umong them being my own ability to cope
I've playing pretend that I'm okay for a few years now when does fake it till you make it kick in
I'm scared of how my life seems to go nowhere at such a terrifying pace I'm wondering
How I'll survive

Lifes not fair and not everybody is scared because not everybody cares,

Let's take what we choose and leave alone the frozen throne I've stood in line behind just to glance at the face of my dead savior one more time,

And it's not okay but being okay might be a feeling I'll feel one day

With a shake and a shiver my lip might quiver but a tear in my eye you won't find

I'm lost with no direction or place to call my own and you can take this shining example of a new start and go shove it up your *** because I don't need it

I don't need it

Life's not fair

There's a hole in my pocket
And the memory of who I wanted to be fell through and into the cracks in-between the floorboards
I can't seem to retrieve the concept of who I once was,

It's getting colder outside, and my brick walls have been crumbling as of late
And the inside of this house isn't exactly beautifully picturesque

The soul I've stolen for show and tell isn't my own and he's much nicer
than the thief underneath

So please, do me a favor,

And leave

When I look in the mirror I can't see what she see's
I see an ugly combination of all the names I've ever been called,
Like, My head's too large, my teeth too small,
I never smile with my teeth
(Freak)
My ribs show no matter how much I eat,
I look like an alien when I cut my hair too short so I leave it long
(Freak)
He's so skinny, does he even eat?
(Freak)
He just sits there on the playground as far away from everyone as he can possibly get
(Freak)
Why don't you talk?
(Freak)
Why do you talk so much?
(Freak)
Why do you talk so quiet?
(Freak)
Why do you talk so loud?
(Freak)
Why is your head so big?
You some kind of freak?

It seems as though I'm predisposed towards the frivolity and uncaring nature of my younger self,
And even now that I've "Grown out of it"
My life seems to reflect every decision I've ever made and they were rarely good ones
So here goes to hoping for the future, even though I'm not sure how
Because if I don't I'm scared what may come next
Because life has handed me chance after chance and I'm afraid I've run out of do overs
So pray for my strength
Because I'm desperately clinging to a life given me by the grace of something.
Because there's no other way to explain away the things I've done,
The people I've hurt,
And the idea that anyone could love me anyway boggles my mind
And if you look deep enough I hope you'll find that I don't ever want to be that way
But after years and years of pain it takes time to change,
So please have faith,
For I don't always say the right things,
I don't always remember names,
I don't always think of the important things,
I try,
Lord knows,
I try
I fail,
Everyone knows I have failed,
But even if my efforts aren't enough for everyone it doesn't matter
Even if I'm thrown back out to sea to drown in me
I'll float
Because ******* it I'm better than this,
Because I chose to be
******* it I was alone before I can do it again,
So if you don't wish to see me struggle, if you don't wish to see my pain
Walk away
I can do without the saving grace
For I am a new man, because I ******* say so.

Born into this,
It's not my fault
Living memories of past events I haven't remembered yet
But others remember them for me,
It's my fault,
Maybe it is
But don't dare say I'm not trying,
To be different than my father,
To make different mistakes,
Life's a game and we've been dealt different hands
But don't pretend it's anything but a game of chance
You're not better for seeing what's there and using it.

Everybody
Is broken
At least a little bit
Since when did brokenness land on a measurement of more, or less?
Like, beaten is better than broken,
It's better to be battered than shattered

But last I checked broken was a loss of functionality,
If you can't do the same things you used to without crying,
You're just as broken as the rest of us,
If you just don't smile as often as you used to,
You're just as broken as the rest of us,
If you can't even hold a pencil without your hand shaking,
I'm sorry, you're broken, just like the rest of us.

What if I told you that in order to be truly broken you have to accept it,
What if I told you that in order to accept brokenness you inherently accept that you were ever whole in the first place and you, were made of pieces.
Two halves came together to make you,
And no self inflicted bashing, slashing or thrashing will bring you alive again because you were never dead
You have so many parts that have lost segments of code
You're not broken, you've just altered your directive
Because brokenness, assumes that you have a function,
And
If you can't perform a function anymore,
It's okay to find a new one.
You're not broken,
You're just weathered.

I'm allergic to dust,
And I think there's something metophorically significant about that, because if you think about dust it's really just human rust.
And I'm okay with being allergic to rust.
Because the only cure for being allergic to human rust, is to sit down with someone and agree that everything seems okay to you.
That we don't need to change.
**** that.
Because if we were really on the right path than maybe we wouldn't continue to be the targets of our own wrath after all the polar ice caps have been knocking on our door for a while now,
Just asking if we'd turn the heat down.
See we're rusting because there's never in history been this much self destruction and it's getting disgusting.
I'm sorry, to everyone who comes after us because although it's not too late it will be.
Even as I write this we can still fight this but not for too much longer.
Quit living in the bubble they've put you in and stretch your gaze a little bit farther than the media maze and realize all of those people who aren't are real, or will be.
And with your own two hands you can build something better for them from your comparatively fortunate circumstance.

I can't remember life without you,
And it hasn't been very long
But something about you makes me think that I never again want to not know your name
I don't want to wake up alone
Without your chest to lean on
Without your breath to breath in
I've missed what I've never had
And I'm glad to have it back

I've been trying
To find the words to say, that'll make this go away
I've been dying
To find a better place, to sing my cares away
I've been lying
To you and to myself, to everyone else
It's okay
To not be okay somedays

And I'm not okay

I want to go back into time and change all the words that I've said
They say I'm better off but I don't know if I believe them
Well if love is what that was than I don't to love no more
Because love isn't supposed to leave you bleeding on the floor
It took a long time, and I don't know what's worse,
Not knowing who you are, or not knowing who you were

And I have realized I never even thought you were super man,

Why weren't you super man?

Scream,
As you try to find the tape to draw the lines around the inside of your mind
Breath
She wasn't worth it.
Keep your mind on what is,
For it isn't broken

Scream,
For you don't know what was fact and what was fiction
Because the space she occupy's is the space you live in
And it's not the same as it was
And you don't even really want it to be

So why is it that every time you close your eyes she's the one you see
No matter how hard you try you can't erase the lines of her eyes from the inside of your mind
She betrayed you

She lied

She never loved you all that time
And although she may never leave you, at least not really
You just wish you could revel in what happiness you can find
But she can't keep controlling every little contour, every sleek design
She can't keep haunting you, every time

So slide the sight of her in that white dress out of your mind one more time
For she never loved you, for all those years
Swallow your deepest fears
For your tears will do you no good in this endeavor

Scream,
For you thought that at the very least she was on your team,
That she was there to stay in whatever way she felt was sane
But she knows nothing of sanity only that it's a fragile thing
So sing these words a darker shade of grey,
Because you dare not scare this one away,
Don't face the fact that you fall asleep thinking that her too will wake up every morning to a face other than yours,

Breath,
Take a step and breath,
For life is worth living, breath
For you can listen to that song again, breath
For you've found something worth falling for, breath
Breath,
She doesn't deserve your fears,
She doesn't deserve you
Breath,

Breath
You're going to be okay
Love doesn't always feel this way
Preserve your faith
Breath
Your lungs are too **** worn down for this
You're still young,
So learn to love the life you lead even if you have to learn to love it for me
Because some day I have to believe you'll see a point in all this
So I lean in for a kiss on your sweet lips
And there's nothing better than this cause love, even when we're worlds apart
Your smile seems plastered among the stars, you're gonna go far
I just hope I get to see the day
I hope I can stand close enough to catch your sunrays
It's in you I store my faith
And I truly hope that one day you'll be able to put it there too
I truly hope that one day you'll learn to see it that way

Time,
Where I used to find my rhymes with relative ease,
But lately there's been something haunting me,
Making me blind to the pictures plastered on the inside of my eyelids
It wasn't always like this
The words used to overflow from the tight confines of my mind
And now they're getting hard to find,
The length of time between each coherent rhyme has steadily multiplied until now where I can only truly define one singe line at a time,
People keep asking me, "Why don't you write more?"
Because honestly writing has become a chore, until now
Because instead of searching the insides of my eyelids I'm going to pry them open,
Because love is a gift, love is a token
The beauty of her eyes, the beauty of her mind,
They might as well write their own lines
Poetry is inherently the language of emotion,
Anger, anguish, lust and beauty
But you can see none of these if you don't open your eyes,
Experience
Life
And write down every word you find

When I'm in your house
I don't feel the same feeling I used too
Like the world didn't weigh on my shoulders
Like the burden couldn't ever crack my smile
I've commited my life to you
I've given you so much of my time
Give me a sign
Any one particular reason
Why I should keep coming back, day after day
Week after week
For a promise that I'm not sure you can keep
Because my outcries to the sky have been answered with the God equivalent of a stone faced stare and it makes me question if you're really there
And I can't help but notice your perpetual silence is followed by judgemental looks from all those who claim to follow you
Like somehow your not speaking is my fault
Like the fact that you haven't called in months means I did something wrong
Like I should just ****** and give everything I have because it's supposed to be as simple as that
It never is and never has been
People say I must have never been saved but that doesn't explain all the times my life was on the line and I felt like you were by my side
That doesn't explain all the moments I wasn't sure if life was the right ride for me and you held my hand
That doesn't explain all the times I couldn't breath with the weight that lay on my chest and you came and got rid  of it
That doesn't explain the moments when my mom would lie straight to my face about my own life and I would just have to sit there and wonder why and you would hold me as I cried myself to sleep that night
That doesn't explain why I survived the attempt on my own life
That doesn't explain why I survived the car crash all those years ago
If there's the slightest chance you're reading this right now
I want you to know that I'll be waiting
Because this isn't because I'm improperly motivated
This isn't because of a lack of dedication
It's been 3 years of faking it and if you're up there
I want you to know you deserve more than that
You deserve genuine praise not from a heart that is lack luster
And perhaps  one could say this is caused by a lack of faith
In that perhaps you're right
But in case you're wrong I'll be sitting here and will continue to hold his book
To wear out the spine
Until one night he gives me a sign
Because I look out at all the pain filled eyes
The girl who doesn't know if she can explain why she doesn't feel at home inside her own skin
Because inside his mind he doesn't see himself the way the mirror portray's but he's afraid to look the way he feels inside
Why don't you speak to him, like you did to me?
Why don't you reach out and plant the seed?
Lately I've been seeing a lot of hate from those who claim to spread your good news of peace and love
How can they claim this hate in your name?
How can they claim to have the same drive that I do inside?
How can they sleep at night?
Lately I've been wondering what it really was
If you're really a self defense mechanism of my own consciousness
Lately I've been wondering if maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I'm wrong
But I don't think so
Or maybe I just don't want to be
See, I have to believe
Because the idea that we're the only thing down here
That we have the final say
That we are entitled to just keep digging our own graves
It scares me to death
It makes me shake from the inside out
Thinking that that's all that this is about
But maybe in due time all that's left is to be free from the inside of our own minds
But maybe,

Unraveling
Like a thread from my sweater got caught in a door a few city blocks back
And I can't relax
Everything I've ever built is about to come crashing down
Threads of deceit into a woven tapestry that depicts me as someone other than who I am
A man I've never met yet
And it sends shivers down my spine

Do me a favor
She asks
As if there's even an answer to that
She said, “Go find a woman who will treat you well”
“My heart breaks in two to see you love me”
And with that she left while he was sleeping
Down from our house and across the street
She didn't take much with her
Only an old mason jar and her boots and scarf
The clothes on her back and a sack full of knick knacks
Across the pier to a small old rowboat she bought with her own dime
And across the ocean she went
Far away from him
So far she couldn't remember if his eyes were brown or blue
When she knew him
She lived in a lighthouse now
It was free as long as she held it down
It was a peaceful life,
A lonely life
She dreamt of him most nights
Like the image of his smile was burned into her eyes by every lick of candlelight
Vividly
She could still hear the dumb snort sound he made when he laughed too hard
And she smiled
Not because her heart didn't ache, no definitely not that
She smiled because although in doing so she predisposed her heart to daily break
She smiled because he had no doubt found a happier life
That he had moved on
Because who was she to hold to man like that
To her, it was just a simple fact
It's been too many years since her boat ride
She didn't really know where she was
She just rowed and rowed and rowed until his scent had finally left her nose
She's older now, her bones creak almost as much as the lighthouse floorboards
She loved looking out from the top of that heavenly tower
Out across the ocean while the rain lightly showered
She thought about where he might be
She thought about his eyes, she didn't remember what they looked like
It was cold tonight
Foggy even
But she felt warm
She felt happy
Because this time when she closed her eyes she could see the image of him burned in the back of her mind so bright that she could swear he was really there
With a smile that was labeled “Handle with care”
And eyes that said “I’ve missed you”
And “I’m so glad you're here”
Because he looked like he’s held her close even after all these years
Like the only thing he had after she left was empty promises and worn out fears
She knew what had happened, she was no fool
She had passed on and he had too
But his heart was heavy and hers strangely light
She thought back to why she left that night
She couldn’t remember why
And no matter how hard she tried the words wouldn’t come for her to apologize
He just sat there and stared at the pleading look she held in her eyes
He nodded his head and turned the other cheek
And said, “This life, is not the one you clearly need, what you wanted was never me.”
The strange and muffled silence hung over them, like someone muted a silent film
She faded further and couldn’t see his face
Like he was just another beautiful stranger on a summer day
He just drifted away, like she had to him that day

"These, are the best years of your life."
What utter *******
I refuse to accept that
Because these are the years we become aware of how ****** up the world is
but get told we're not old enough to do a **** thing about it
I see so many young minds get washed away with time of complacency And I can't shake this feeling like we're so much greater than this
It's a self fulfilling ******* prophecy
If life gives you lemons you turn that **** into a tangerine
**** what's given
Your life is yours
Make it leave an impression
There's too much wisdom behind those eyes for you to believe these lies
Your life doesn't need to confide within the lines of a coloring book
You are capable
These ARE NOT the greatest years of your life unless you make them
This ends on it's own
You don't need to assist it
Let's see where you'll grow
I believe in redemption
So pick yourself up
You're worth it
Dust yourself off
That's better
You look like you're ready for life
The biggest adventure
Find the beautiful places tucked out of human harms way
Keep them safe
You're all we have left so please
Stay

I must decide which words to shout
Which words to whisper
Which words to scream
Which words to silence
Which words to say in monotone
And where my voice cracks
Now we're back
To the beginning of the same sentence
I must decide where to look
Where to look for you
Where to look for piece of mind
And it's the confines in which you restrain your mind that dictate how you define
"Are you okay?"

It breaks sometimes, but never bends
It's hard, but brittle
It's cold, but never so cold that it stops flowing
It's foggy, leaving me just enough to see only a few feet in front of me
I'm lonely, surrounded by people who toss me these
One way street relationships, always about me
It's not very pretty
Me at least
In the physical sense... Well okay maybe that too
When I look in the mirror, I see pill bottles and scars on my wrists
Instead of the gifts god gifted me with
I can't breathe
Staring at the walls in front of me
It's not as simple as walking until I find a door
What if there isn't one there?
What if the wall is too tall to scale with ropes or ladders
I can't fly
What if the stars do fall
What if your calls just haven't been coming through
Yeah, that must be it
I heard Verizon's service here is
It breaks
This house
It takes what's left of my confidence and snakes it down the tarnished copper plumbing
I can't think
Why is everybody yelling?
Really, why is everybody yelling?
What's the purpose?
Do you think demons are scared of loud noises?
Do you think they shake when your sanity is at stake? well they don't
So my strategy is don't let anything close
But it's hard, when you look at me your smile
Sweet to me like the fruit of the apple tree I planted when I was three
But it's hard to see the sense in these accusations you sling around
Some higher power must be ******* with you
No that's the human element
That's free will
That boy you call a man
I'm not saying this result was part of his plan, but rather a unexpected consequence
People do horrible things
Everybody
So I'll shut the gate to my heart, put it under lock and key
And throw it so far away from me
That nobody will ever find it
You'll have to carve out the lock with an ice pick
I'm really like this
So call me hopeless, that's fine
But you're wrong
I have hope
It's just not instilled in you
Or you
Or any one of you
I'm alone
That's fine
I have no interest in this
This idea that I need to find my better half
If I'm incomplete I'll build myself, myself
I don't need your expertise
It's my life, and I'll complete me as I please.

If anxiety could hear me
I'm not sure what I would say
What words could I even find looking into her eyes?
It's the little flecks of gold in her deep blue that leave me breathless
Like I can't find help in an ocean full of outstretched hands
****
If she could hear me, would I shout?
Would I scream just to redeem my previous shameful silence
How dare you take the air from my lungs like it was your song to be sung
I wrote the notes with my own two hands
Like a dying soldiers last stand this is my peak
And you have no right to take that away from me
So this time my rib cage is reinforced with I-beams
Steel
So what if you're not real
I feel it

In a different world,

A different mind a different body

Perhaps I'd be inclined to try and find the facts behind her fiction

But for now I'll buy in

Because this is too sweet to be reality and that's not what I need

I need a sign from up high before I'll jot my name on the dotted line

I don't need to know every little detail that lies behind her eyes

So tonight I'll take it slow I'll take it steady

We can share a drink and a long and contemplative passing of eyes, sharing of the deep thoughts inside our minds

If we find what we see to be of the proper tone, the proper texture

Perhaps into the wild blue yonder I'll venture...

I'll tell her what goes on inside the deep recesses of my mind

And in those dark spots she may decide my conclusions are nothing but pure conjecture

If she can find some inner part of her that longs for adventure than maybe I'll tell her

I think she's beautiful and she makes me weak in places I wish I was strong to begin with

But she makes me think that maybe I can flip this, fix this.

Put that part of me back together again

Just enough to pass close inspection

I'm this strange mix of a anti social quiet type of romantic who can't seem to find the courage he deserves

So I'll stick my chin up and tell her "Nothing" and something like, "Everything's fine"

Because a mind is a terrible thing to lose and I can't seem to find mine when I look into her eyes

She's got every color of the rainbow and at least fifty shades more

I'm torn

I know that I'm not the best for her, and she deserves that

I know that in my head but my heart can't seem to conserve that, steady flutter it means to burst out of my chest and fly

and I can't for the life of me figure out why

In a different time

I could just bring you flower and announce that you could be mine

And that would fine

But now days we have to dance around the issue because that's the socially correct thing to do

I can't help but feel cheated

I'm an old soul inside a young mind

I feel this way about eighty-five percent of the time

On a different day

In a different way

perhaps I'd say something that could make you stay

But your future awaits

So I'll surrender the very idea of us to the fates

And hope that one day

Things will be different

What if the lines around her eyes made a maze?
What if the secrets that never seemed to phase her really hit her where it hurt
What if she cared the whole time, but didn't trust herself in what words she might find
I miss it
The life we could have had
I miss dreaming about that
But it's patience and understanding I lacked
And even more than that?
I didn't realize it till long after the fact
And if it wasn't too late and too little I would come to your door
Hands and knees
If it wasn't for that
I would be begging please
But instead I'm here
Biting my tounge
Hoping that nothing heals like time

It's getting to be that time again,
In the later hours of my day
When the night creeps so quietly across the sky as if trying to surprise the sunrise somewhere across the world
So it's dark in my mind
When the demons creep on the edge of their seats to try and better view of the contents of my heart to more properly pick it apart,
Why is it that when it gets to be twilight my mind is sensitized to the screams of all that which I can't see,
It's a balancing act to maintain my sanity, tomorrow's on it's way
If my fallacy stays in tact, I'll live to see another day

It's kind of amazing

The level of changing I see in myself

I've learned so much in so little time that it's a surprise that I'm not out of my mind

I'm a different man than who I used to be

A better man

A stronger man

But one of the more recent revisions to my character is this

I've learned to love loving someone who doesn't know it yet

I've learned to love loving people just because it's the right thing to do

I've learned that love doesn't always have to have a dark side nobody ever told you about

I've learned that love isn't always what it seems it should be

Love is actually imperfect by nature

Because on paper there's always a reason why

But in your mind it's inapplicable to the reasoning's of the heart

For who are you to argue

You see the good in the bad and good in the great and the amazing in the mediocre

For they're what you wish you could be and a thousand times more

For you can't even fathom what would be in store for you both if you pursued this line of thought

And maybe you'll get over this

Maybe you won't

What does it matter where they came from

Or what they've done

They're here now and they're not gonna look back and neither should you

Renew yourself in the image of the person you know you always want to be

Because I believe the very need for being that person means you already are

You just need to step into the shoes

I've accepted the fact
That I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life
It's not because nobody wants me
But rather, I don't want nobody
I'm gonna build my house in the woods, far away from here
There's a reason why I don't believe in love
There's a reason why nobody's ever heard of true love
You say there are fish in the sea for me
Well I don't see how
Because from where I'm looking down
There's more ocean than ground
You say you'll believe it when you see it
well I've got to hear the sound
You say you love me, do you mean it?
Well maybe she'll stick around
And yes, maybe I lack conviction
Or maybe I'd rather avoid the friction that seems to come with every fairy tale,
every flirtatious fiction
every single girl who claims she's smitten
I've accepted the fact
That I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my days
It's not because nobody wants me
Or maybe..
I'm gonna build my house in the woods far away from here
There's a reason why I don't believe in love
There's a reason why nobody's ever heard of true love
Loves a lie,
It's passed me by
You won't find it here
Well if loves alive
It's passed me by
You won't find it here
Your preaching falls on def ears
You won't find it here.

One tip of the hourglass

I'll stay till the shadows past

And if I could rewind time

You would be in my arms tonight

But if I could rewind time

I would have gotten it right the first time



So stay

Please stay

I can apoligize today

I don't care what for

but I need you now

I need your smile

I need your voice

I need to know I'm not your second choice

Your fall guy

Why am I always the fall guy?

Guess she's just gonna pass by

I'm just her fall guy



So it's been a while since'

Since I had sleep

Another wish for the best of me

When I say this to her

When I make this song so

Here I stand

By the wishing well

Thinking of her

And hoping like hell

That she realizes

What a huge mistake she's making



So sway

We'll sway

On these summer swings without no wings

We'll fall all over again

We'll make green into gold

And gold into the old

Stories we'll tell

About time with each other

Not a single thought of any others

We're right there

Right there in the moment

Sitting and hoping

This isn't a huge mistake we're making



And it's been a while

Since sleep had me

So it's time for me

To catch those z's

Maybe

But maybe it's another sleepless night

Without you by my side that's right

Up your ally

No calling on daddy to save you

So stay

I'm a hero today

I've saved my own skin

left my mind inside the confines of my falsely founded feelings for you

seems I've tricked myself

Into thinking a person can love,

and loose

In 24 hours flat

Because it seems to me

there's nothing left but that

running through the remnants

of my faith in all relationships

there's this picture of the girl

that I seem to see in everybody

I can't seem to shake the sensation

I'm not supposed to live this way

not supposed to seize this day

even the sky is giving me signs

that it's time to rethink the life

I've been living through you

and every other girl just like you

still can't stop thinking

about a time when things were simpler

and maybe it's been plundered

that childhood wonder

stolen by the media

no patience for being younger

grow up child

it's time to start contributing

there's a whole life ahead of you

that it seems your not considering

a career is what he needs

straighten you out real quick

no knowledge of where it leads

so I might just sit here instead

my time with you is limited

so I hope my words ring through your head

live life towards the goal

of the man you hope to be one day

with my heart and my soul

I hope I can follow the words I say

How do you do it?
Tell someone that even during waking day
She's all you ever think about
That when she's right there with you it doesn't even feel like you're dreaming
And no, it's not like that
I have dreams of moonlit beaches where we make small talk until you just laugh and say
"Wake up, the moon has to go away. It's morning time my sweet."
You say "I'll see you tonight, tommorow or whenever next we meet."
I dream of streetlamps lighting up park benches where we've met for the first time about 17 seperate winter nights just in this past july
Last night we had dinner, the conversation was lovely
It started with some awkward smiles deeply laden with sincerity,
It moved on to telling each other about the other, and we left with a brief squeeze of the hand.
That's all I've ever gotten, and I'm quite content with that
So the stage is set, not sure what the play is we're set to see
But she picked it, I'm sure it'll be wonderful
You have a different name tonight, just like you always do
The ballerina's where intoxicating
their grace was Endless
as they swam through the air
I felt like a trespasser, struggling to breath
When we left that night however, our goodbyes were more distant
It's been getting more and more like that recently,
I recall a night some ten years ago
I could have sworn I remembered your face
for almost 3 hours after I begrudgingly woke
But no
Your shifting smile, and timeless eyes
I like to think that's because you're getting closer
And not because I'm a tad too late
Were you here already? And I just couldn't pick you out of the crowd?
You know trains in the city, awfully hard to focus
Or perhaps you know of horses and mountains
I'm not one to judge
I hope I see you tomorrow, I look forward to our night
To our day,
To our mornings and to what we'll say
But if you have to leave for good my dear, please just find a way
I have a P.O box you know
It's rather simple really
I just would love a photo of you,
to remember our night in Sicily
Or pick one of your favorites, they were all suitible
I'll check my mail every day
Waiting, hoping
That I can see your face.

So what?

She'd rather not dance the night away?

You're asking for less time than it took for the last guy to run away with her faith

So give her some space

Let love find it's own way

take that energy and find someone who will handle with care

Cause you're fragile too

This whole relationship isn't your average pack up job, you can't put fragile with fragile and just shut the box

Call me what you will, but I don't care for superficial friendships with people who want way too much more

So take what you will, because she wants to want you this isn't something you can conjure from thin air

Trust me if there was a potion she would drink it

She want's to want you, and when it comes to this It's seriously 50-50 on who hurts the most don't pretend it isn't

So realize what you're doing and curb your frustration

She's having the same sensation

So next time you want to play pity me and say you lost an opportunity

Think about what you're saying

She's lost something far worse

Think of what you could be for her if you stayed as less than you thought you paid for

Isn't that the kind of person YOU would fall in love with?

People always tell me this poem isn’t quite finished.

People say, it seems like you’ve let your thoughts just sort of taper off...

Well, besides the fact that that’s the whole point of the poem I’m about to unfold I whole heartedly agree with them.


So, maybe you’ve given up hope.

Maybe you’ve told yourself, well I’m gonna be alone forever

Nobody wants me

But if I can just be real with you for a moment

Your generation, OUR generation

The girls spend their time looking for a prince

And the boys they spend their time searching for that princess

The key, is that although not all of them may look like royalty

None of them truly have to be

And truly you most likely haven’t seen the possibility of the tapastry I’ve been weaving

Let alone the facts it’s concealing

So you can save your practiced apathy

And actually, no I’m not seeing anyone at the current time

I don’t really want to be

And I don’t say that out of modesty

And I don’t say that for society

Honestly I’m not sure why I say it at all

I guess you could call me overly intellectual,

but I don’t really see the point in ineffectual relationships with women,

because the thoughts cloud my brain box,

and my heart blocks my train of thought,

because after all it’s the wars we fought that makes us different right?

It’s the arguments and sour tastes left in our mouths that means we’ll last.


Right?

I never know what to say when someone says that to me

The pause after the long heartstring they’ve tossed my general direction,
hoping I can tug on it to put them back in tune,
but is it really a chord at all if each string sings the same note?

After all, it’s benjamin franklin who said it best

Only a fool does the same thing twice and expects different results

I’m not saying don’t go searching for love because it’s far from a lost cause

But rather if your hands are sore from singeing don’t put on a glove

But rather if you’ve caught a case of bronchitis Don’t eat tortilla chips



It hurts