When i'm sad
I find something funny to laugh at it
When I laugh, I'm genuinely happy
I'm not faking it
I laugh for 6 seconds, sometimes even 16
But on that 6th second
I feel my feet on the ground
And all those despairing feelings come rushing back to me
Once again

when someone tells you that they want you,
you don't really feel anything
but when someone tells you that they don't want you anymore
you feel every ounce of it

you re read it over and over again
trying to figure out what you did or said wrong in the past 24 hours
you analyze all your moves from the start of the relationship
and when you find out that you didn't **** up
you just don't understand why
you don't understand what went wrong
that "don't" and "anymore" in that sentence weigh down on your heart
you can't stop thinking about it
you think,
"hey I'm okay, not worth my time anyway to be stressing over someone who is not stressing over me"
but that only helps for 5 minutes
and then you're back at it
trying to figure out what went wrong
and it's just a cycle
every **** hour
you're not okay
but oh you want to be
you want to be

you are the one that I love
and I'm saying goodbye

I just want someone to rub my back and tell me it's going to be okay.

There are some things that words cannot express
Sometimes, nor can silence
You feel like nobody will get you because they're not you
And you couldn't be more correct
At the end of the day,
Even if someone has been through what you're going through,
It doesn't help
Because you are the one that's feeling it
And it ***** so much
Because you literally cannot do anything but feel it
Of course you can do things to get your mind off of it
But that's all temporary
In the long run, you'll realize that there will always be this feeling of emptiness
As sad as it is, it's true
This type of emptiness is different because it cannot be filled by love, money, or fame
It can be distracted with those things
But it will not go away completely
I think at the end of the day, even the happiest people know this type of emptiness
And there's nothing you can really do about it because it comes with being human
So to be alive, is to feel
Feel everything as it comes
And let everything go when it is time to go

Today I had a talk with someone that made me question my perspective on love.
What is love to you?
I asked a close friend and she said love is to be able to never get tired of a person and to appreciate their flaws. Love is to want to compromise.
Then I asked her, even if they cheated on you?
And she said no.

As I had this certain talk with someone that made me question love, he started off by saying that in the bible, it is written that one should not marry someone who doesn't believe in the God of Abraham.
Now what does that mean?
He told me that in modern day, it means you should not marry a person who is not a Catholic.
But why would God say that right?
God loves you unconditionally. When I say unconditional, i mean God will love you no matter what, even if you commit ****** or any other sin.
So he told me, "So 'believing in the God of Abraham' actually means understanding and believing in the idea of unconditional love.

"Unconditional love is required to keep two people happy together. The bible says you cannot be together forever with someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love."

Here's an example that this certain someone told me about.

If you believe in conditional love and marry someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love, he will not understand where you are coming from. If you cheat on him, and ask him to take you back, he won't because he doesn't understand the idea of unconditional love.
Rather, he'd be angry that you even have nerve to cheat on him and ask for his forgiveness. He would think that you're crazy and selfish to expect him to forgive you.
"Why? Because in his world, there is no unconditional love. He doesn't understand it.
Why? Because he doesn't know an example of unconditional love (God of Abraham)
It's only logic."

I asked him if he believes in unconditional love and he said "I believe that there is no other love than unconditional love."

And that makes me question the concept of love.

If I think about it, I'll love my family no matter what happens, even if they betray me.
If i can't love my life long partner in the same way I love my family, then that is not love.

I don't think I can tell anyone other than my family that I love them because unconditional love is the only kind of love.
If someone cheated on me, I don't think I will be able to forgive them and take them back unless I love them unconditionally.

He told me another scenario.

Where your spouse cheats on you and you take him back because you love him unconditionally. He says he loves you but doesn't understand what unconditional love is.
"Now overtime you look into his eyes and say that you love him, he'll smile or something like that but that idiot won't understand the gravity of what you are saying. He'll only think that you love him like this limited definition of love. It's like there is a glass wall between you and him. He can see you but can't hear you. But he is okay with it because he doesn't know that the glass wall can be taken out of the way. But you know better. Can you imagine how frustrating it'll be?"

"You - I love you
Him - I love you, too
You - No! Not like that, I love you unconditionally
Him - Yes, I love you too
You - No no.. UNCONDITIONALLY
Him - Huh?
You - :("

So then I proceeded to ask him,
"What do you do from there?"

And he said,
"Take a deep breath and continue loving unconditionally."

At last, he said to me, "Good luck loving someone after this."
I laughed.
Because he was right.
Now I have a total different definition of love.

Unconditional love is a sacrifice, a beautiful sacrifice.
And I'm not sure if I'm capable of making that sacrifice.

Hello
I haven't been on here in a while
I guess it's because I've been feeling better than before
I feel myself growing stronger and becoming more independent every day
And it's truly a great feeling
I am happy with where I am right now
I am hoping it will only get better from here

I drove myself crazy for you
I was crazy about you

How could you not see that?

he gave me $5000
and said
Don't worry about whether I talk to you enough or not
I care about you
It's all in my heart

But I felt nothing

don't tell me my favourite song
is your favourite song
because then
every time I listen to it
I won't think of how much I like the song
I'll think of you
and it won't be my favourite song anymore

how many times can I write about the same thing?
how many ******* times can I keep writing about you?

I wake up in the morning
Eating my favourite cereal and watching my favourite TV show
You're still in the back of my mind

I get in the shower
The warm water on my cold body feels so good
I close my eyes and let the water drizzle on my face
You're still in the back of my mind

Need to write my essay
Need to write my essay
Need to write my essay
I am stressing over school work
And thinking about a captivating way to start my essay
But you're still in the back of my mind

I'm with friends at a party
Finally a break from school and stress
Having a great time
Eating food, taking a couple of shots of *****
Laughing my little *** off
You're still in the back of my mind

Where ever I am
Whatever I do
No matter how busy I am
I'm always ******* thinking about you
And truthfully
I hate it
I don't want to think about you
Thoughts of you make me so sad
I miss you
But you're no good for me
And we cannot be

Early last night I took sleeping pills
Not because I couldn't sleep
But I didn't want to be up all night thinking about you
It was Christmas Eve and I wanted to be okay if I couldn't be happy
Thoughts of you make me sad

Even with the dizziness that sleeping pills brought,
my drowsy body, and my mental delay
I woke up in the middle of the night
because I thought I heard my phone vibrate
I thought you texted me
But I was wrong

Early last night I took sleeping pills
Not because I couldn't sleep
But because I didn't want to be up all night thinking about you

I hate you for what you did to me
But every time my phone vibrates
I still wish it's a text from you

Your words are so beautiful
It's like I know you're lying
But I almost still believe you

I think the most ****** up part is that
I don't even think what you did was terrible
I mean yeah it's terrible that you hooked up with another girl when you made it seem like you liked me
But maybe it was just a hook up
And maybe you look at me more than that

But that's the most ****** up part
That I'm okay with the fact that you hooked up
As long as the girl didn't mean anything

BUT IT SHOULDN'T ******* BE THIS WAY
I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE
THAN THIS
THAN YOU
I ******* HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN HAVING A LITTLE HOPE IN YOU
EVEN RIGHT NOW
AS I TYPE THIS
UGH
I HATE YOU SO MUCH

I eat my dinner while I watch TV because I'm hungry
And then I keep eating for my sadness
I force myself to laugh because
**** him, I don't ******* need him to be happy

She goes to a party with her friends
She wants to have fun so she takes a couple of shots of *****
She's drunk and she knows it
But her mind is still somewhere else
Somewhere where she doesn't want it to be
So she takes another 5 shots

He's with his friends now
"Stop being such a *****, **** that *****! Forget her. I'll find you another *** tomorrow"
He does a little laugh to show agreement
Puff Puff Pass
His eyes are already red and glossy
He wants to call her and tell her he misses her, but **** that
Boys don't cry over girls
Puff Puff Pass
On to the next one

We all have different forms of distractions
Some use alcohol
Some use drugs
But at the end of the day
We'll do anything and everything to distract ourselves from missing someone

You always think you're prepared for a situation
You think
"Ok yes, he's going to find another girl
And I'm going to be okay with it
Because that's life
Hey, I don't even like him that much
He ain't ****
What does bring to me that I can't give myself?
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
He ain't ****
I don't even want him anymore"

But then he actually does find another girl
He starts to talk to her daily like he used to do with you
He starts to flirt with her,
Call her during the nighttime
Ask her to hang out

And you would think you were prepared for this
Until it actually happens
And all your feelings come back
It feels like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest
and everything hurts
It hurts
It hurts
and you realize you weren't really prepared for this

I don't know how to stop waiting around for you.

The colour black is known to be a sad, depressing colour
Why?
Black is comfort
Black is bold
Black is beautiful

Then again,

Black is the absence of colours
Black is the vacant space that is unresponsive
Perhaps, that is why most poets like the colour black
It reminds them of their inconspicuous selves
The type of absence they feel consistently in their selfless, vulnerable hearts
It reminds them of themselves because they always
Give
Give
Give
And never get the chance to receive

I'm ****** because I don't find passion in things like art, dancing, and singing.
I find passion in boys.

to feel everything so raw and intense
is both a blessing
and a curse

It's ironic how you kicked me when I was already down
Yet when I’m back up on my two feet,
All I want to do is run back to you
You see,
It's silly how I have hope in you finally accepting who I am
But I don’t know how to tell my heart that it's never going to happen
My mind knows better
But my physical body just can’t accept it

Everyone wants what they can’t have
And for me,
It's you
It's you
It's you
It will always be ******* you

But only the lucky ones fall asleep before midnight
All the others are up at 3am
Cold
Empty
Sad
Missing someone who doesn't think twice about them

Do not make homes out of human beings
They will leave you feeling homesick and sad
Not because you deserve to feel that way
But because they can

Do not make homes out of human beings
You will lose yourself trying to find them

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because building homes means comfort
Comfort of which you do not have control over

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because building homes in people means that there is space for emptiness and mistakes

So please darling,

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because it will collapse
Every
Single
Time

When I first saw you
I thought you were so ****
I just wanted to kiss you
And have you kiss my neck
**** me
Make me scream and moan your name
That's it
But then I got to know you
And then I knew I was really ******
Because
I got greedy
I wanted you to love me

If I had a choice
I'd still pick you
And I'd pick you again
And again
But you're no good for me
And I can't do that to myself anymore

I always had a picture in my head of what I wanted
Who I'm going to fall in love with
How they act
How they think
How they look
What I had in my head is not like you
Not like you at all
I still liked you though
I actually liked you a lot
Now that I think about it, I liked you more than I planned to
More than I wanted to
You were not what I was looking for
But you hit me like a tidal wave
I don't love you but still
You fill the empty gap in my heart
That you created
And then you leave again
You seemed like you weren't interested in me
It seemed like someone was occupying that space
So I left
And I don't regret it
But I miss your touch