I’ll make you feel the heat of my blood,
but only when I feel yours
in my tongue.

Why don't you
just hit
that
******* hammer
against your brain
and stop
it all
******
worse,
loser.

She was like the forest
cold & whispering your name
by the wind
although her depths were
something that
only the bravest ones
ever dared to appreciate
she became so rainy & tempestuous
for she couldn't truly feel herself
she felt as cold as winter &
then she took her last breath
and with your name on her
flying leaves & thick branches
she ripped herself apart
then there was a river
a crimson flow
so risky to approach
yet beautifully tempting
and those who once
came by to appreciate her beauty &
her vivid deep green
were now so scared of her that
they thought she wanted to swallow 'em whole
how could ever she?
she had ripped herself apart
only to see & feel
her own depths
which once she believed
were way too shallow
for someone to enjoy being
around her
but now
how could someone ever
enjoy being around
a dead forest?
she died, but at least
with no doubt
that once
she was alive &
deep.

I've become a shell
of bittersweet memories &
an emptiness
that weighs much more
than I can bear.

Love, i'm wearing your t-shirt tonight
just to remember your smell
on my skin
with the smell
you've forgotten
forever.

This medicine was never
meant to be
my partner for
life and on
but after all it turned out
to be my best friend &
enemy at the same instant.

Your smell still lingers
on my ***** thoughts.

I’ll start eating
lullabies for all meals
so I am sure I’ll be
thin enough to
fit in your dreams
every night.

Destruction looks like a statue
and i'm here
staring at it
with the eyes of a child
when they see a brand new toy
even when they own it already.

It takes more than self loathing
to live the way i do.

We're made by stardust but
you can't eat the stars like
candies in the sky.
i thought you knew by then
when i was there
but you didn't.

I know i'm not really myself
when i'm doing this
I'm not quite myself very often
to be honest
but I regret
every single time I wasn't there myself.
I hate this disease
i hate this disorder
and the things it makes me do
when I'm in an island
far away from myself
living in a reality
where stolen things are quite better
than my own
and the moon shines, bitter & anguished
because I stole its shine away
and put it on the star
that lingers in my stolen
rag heart.

Floating over dark waves  
can't seem to reach the shore
i might sink here
maybe then in the bottom of the dark sea
i can find an empty shell
and take that as my home
forever at the bottom
forever sinking.

I'll rip your
neck off
& watch it
bleeding slow
because
that's
always
the best part
of the show.

We know we're broken
shattered in tiny pieces
but you also know that
i want to steal you &
all your pieces &
make you feel
whole
because if you don't feel that way
be aware that's how i feel
around you
even if my tiny shattered pieces
are way too lost
into the space
or in someone else's life
or in someone else's heart
or maybe even inside
myself
but i can't be so sure about that
because even if i was
what excuse would i have
to say
that i'm no longer &
may never be able to see
that human being
who i'm supposed to be?

I loved you in a way that
all my medicines would like me to
love them too
but your words have more
impact on me than all the
possible
overdoses
i could ever have.

I'm looking at this blank paper
for at least half an hour
trying to put out
words
that i still haven't swallowed
but that won't come out
easily
as when i tried to speak with him
a few hours ago
and couldn't help
but yell at his
confused words
like an angry mother
who yells at her child
when they make mistakes
but you didn't
and now i'm staring at
this blank piece of
paper
trying to
apologize
for being stupid
and childish
like a kid
that makes mistakes over and over
and never stops
until they are left alone
in a room
grounded
lonely
mad
so they will think about
what they've done
and this blank piece of paper
feels like the corner
of a white room
and i'm locked up
and i can't speak
with you
because you're not here
to listen
to watch
to see me
crawling upon my own sharp words
and hurting myself
so i won't let them out again
so easily
anytime soon.

Where to run
when the only door open
is the one that will destroy me
faster than i ever could
oh i wish it was possible,
i truly do.

I thought i could save you
but i forgot i'm just as mortal
as you.

Swollen fists never gonna
be useful for
swollen-eyed sad people
who wake up
feeling lonely
at 2am.

Do you ever
miss yourself
in the middle of the mess
a lifetime can become?

Sometimes i need you
sometimes i require you
sometimes i wonder
where you've been
but inside of me
or inside of my mind
or in my words
thrown away with the
wind
like you were just
ashes
but you're
absolutely embodied inside
of me as someone
of my dreams, away
yet so close
to me.

22/11/13

There are a few dunes over my body
not created from the sea
nor the wind
or sand at all
but from an unsettled mind
and angry fists
once i tried to count them down but it seemed like
i slipped on some and couldn't recall it
actually, i've lost the count on how
many times i've slipped on them
and lost the count over and over again,
and then i slipped again bleeding out
creating some new dunes over the time
but I think i'm also like a desert
sometimes i feel extremely cold &
sometimes i'm completely hot, full of anger,
full of energy that comes out of nowhere,
and then i'm deadly cold again
but then it last for days
or years
and it's been twenty
'till I counted
last time.

I beg for your presence
though all i really desire
is your quietness
along mine
being the loudest & loneliest
souls
of all
times.

There's a perpetual silence
around myself
but I can't help hearing
the ghosts of my voice
inside my head
I wonder if I am going insane
or if this is just
how life works
once you're ready to admit
to yourself
that you'll never be
anything else
but this
no more changing
no more failed attempts
to become someone better
there's no escape
and still I try
as much as everyone else
even though all of us know
that the silence
screams louder
when we keep our mouth shut.

I haven't always been like this
once i was a girl
that didn't believe
in the possibility of love & all that comes with it
all the feelings & anxiety
all the smiles & cuddles
all the great moments shared
with someone
you truly care about &
would die for them to be happy
if you could,
although i know that most of the times
things aren't always marvelous
and to be honest, they seem to be
quite tough,
because sharing a life & yourself as a whole
with someone
isn't as easy as it seems
because people are not easy to deal with
because i'm not easy to deal with
and because you're also not easy to deal with
but for me, that's the trick of it all
if we were easy to deal with,
it wouldn't be so beautiful
all those times after a fight
when we try to be mad at each other
but we just can't
because the desire to see the other smiling again
is always bigger than any reason worth a fight
but even the reasons that aren't worth it,
brings a good yet so confusing feeling
about the need to fight
to confront each other
because then again
you're sharing some part of you
and it's a part that matters so much
that you just can't help keep it only to yourself
and that's why i love you
because you're difficult to deal with
and because you're the best person
i have ever got into a fight with,
and the pleasure of being this someone
is all mine.

I dreamt I looked in the mirror
I could see my backbones & I was so
happy
but a kind of sad happiness
because there's no true happiness
inside my
bare bones
but I felt alive
when I was actually
dying
and I feel like I could jump to the stars
and glow in the dark
but I couldn't barely crawl on my knees
I am so weak
Oh I'm so sorry
i can see those bones again
but now they're buried
six feet under
my skin
but they want to crawl back
with me
and I can't say no to them
I can't say no to myself
I can't say no
to these urges
in order to be able
to see what's underneath
my skin
I'm so sorry
I'm really sorry
but I can't say no
not yet.

And then she asked
with a profound curiosity
something so unraveling
if i ever wanted to get better
i mean
if i truly wanted to get out
of this hell i became
to myself
and others
she asked with a disguised will to
pull me back up
from the black hole i'm in
but i was and i am
so buried
deep into this hole
that all i could do
was say "yes"
and i know,
and god knows
and everyone knows
that in that very moment
i told the biggest lie
i could ever tell anyone.

They always comes first
everything comes first
the meds, the doctors, the hospitals
the bleeding, the bruising, the fracturing
the screaming, the despersonalization
the doping, the doping, the doping,
and then me.
why me after all this
why not me before the first medication?
i wonder
and wonder
and wonder
and i've come to a conclusion
that i'm way too ******* selfish
you've got a life &
you need to care take of it
before you try to
call me & notify me
about your
doping
and
your life
and your
pain,
but through all
of this
all i feel
is the pain of waiting
too,
don't you see?
it's me, waiting for you
here.

I love how i feel your whispers
at night
on my ear
sometimes they're cold like me
sometimes they're gold and
i keep them in my pajamas pocket
forever
just in case that you have to leave
and i can't never hear
your whispers again
so i come back to bed and you're sleeping
beautifully and quietly
but your words seems to want to
escape
from my pocket
so i call you once, twice
and start talking to you with
my slurred voice
and you shut me up
with a goodnight kiss
first on my forehead
and then on my lips
i couldn't taste it well
from the medication
but i can hear
you saying
goodbye, little girl
sleep well,
farewell.

If you could read between the lines
you'd understand the language
of the red ones
all over my body
If you could see beyond your sight
you'd understand why
underneath my eyelids
the blues are permanent
If you could swim
and if I knew
(for sure)
that you would be
safe & sound
while diving & sinking
into the sea of my sorrow
still, I wouldn't let you drown
inside my head
because once I fell in there
and never came back.

I wish I was
something more than
what I dare to call
myself
because this body was
never hurt this much
because this mind was
never haunted this much
because those nightmares
once stopped when I
woke up
but since when I can recall
they last longer than
twenty four hours
and this is insane
am I this insane?
that doctor says I don't look that ill
the other says I should
go in the psych ward
the other says I'm in the control
while the other one says
the harm on my body means
I'm not the one in charge
any longer
am I insane yet?
I should call 911
but I'm afraid another doctor
will attempt to say what's
going on
inside myself
instead of asking me
what I'm feeling for real
or why these injuries are for
or why the empty stomach
keeps growling
won't you eat, my dear?
I say no
won't you take your meds, my dear?
I say why
won't you enjoy your life like a normal human being?
I ask why should I
since im in the border of sanity
way more on the side
of those ones
stuck between four walls
white bedsheets
and treated like kids
who forgot to take their medicines
at home
so now they need a special care
am I insane yet?
I wonder
but no one dares
to answer.

Yesterday was a failure
I couldn’t manage to cast our demons away
at once
You still think of me like a judge would?
I do not think it’s fair but it’s not unfair
at all
You could have been mine without a single gasp
You could just be the star that illuminates my
ego at night, while I try to bury
deep within myself
all those dreadful things
you’ve yelled at me once
but with the tranquility of a black wave
breaking upon my head
and spinning my thoughts around
and around and around
and I have chills only by thinking that
I could never get enough of
you at
all.

It's 1:42am and
I'm looking at you
sleeping in my bed
and wondering
how would that be
If I were the one
dying in there
and you were on my shoes
watching me sleep my sadness away
for good
like in those dreams
I used to have
when both of us
were willing to give up our lives
to anyone who was willing to
try to come back
to life.

Does my poetry
harm you?
I'm sorry
i only mean to
slip my blades on
myself
but sometimes
i forgot they hide
inside my thoughts
as well.

i miss the sight of blood
flowing out
of this body
as much as i miss
the safety & false brief relief
that used to lead me
to my own depths.

There's this kind of sadness
that holds a grip on you &
just won't ever leave
I wish I could be more
but the more I think about it,
the less I become &
it hurts inside
because i know,
i do know
that it will never have an end
unless i bring it
to myself.

If i could do anything
to stop
this suffering
i probably wouldn’t
for i’m so used to it
that i can’t even
picture myself
out of it &
it hurts even more
to admit that
i probably don’t want to

Once I met the moon
she used to be so reckless
but still bright & perfectly flawed
i don't know if she will ever
know about it
but i fell in love with her
in the very first moment
i lied my eyes upon
her shiny pale skin
i asked how she was doing
and she locked herself in the bathroom
i punched walls
ripped myself apart
cried
until there was no more tear
left within
and it seemed forever
until she got out
only to ask me
why i was like that
i'm so sorry, little moon
i can't be better & won't
ever
be the perfect
partner
because when you
destroy yourself
little by little
i die inside
and those dead pieces
come to haunt me at night
can't you just stop with the hurting?
i can't stand these ghosts anymore
i loved you, little moon
i still do
but i can't love the destruction
you drag yourself into
because once you're done with it
there will be none of me
left
to hold you tight
and say that you
still shine bright
like you used to.

Punching myself
'till I get
bruised up &
scarring myself
'till I get
a brand new
skin.

You've left me waiting
for the sound of your footsteps
on the ground
right behind my door
along with the beautiful silent sound
of your smile
growing larger, slowly
but now all that I hear
are the whispers
hiding on the corners
waiting to be found & shown
only to tell
not that I've lost my hearing
but that I've lost you.

Soft souls
never carry a
burden
lighter than
a lifetime.

My love
i thought of you tonight
i thought of you and i and
all these thoughts seemed unfair
since you're not here.

There was fire in his eyes.
She couldn't put the fire out,
so she embraced it, and set herself
on fire.

If only I knew
how to swim back
to the shore
I know
I would be dead anyway
because I don't belong here
nor there
or anywhere in this
wicked world.

I deserve the ****
but then i think i don't &
then the **** becomes worse &
now there's nothing you can do
to believe you didn't
deserve it.

I've been told I was the one
but I always managed to turn
into the first one
of many others
Am I of any good
or am I just that boring &
extensive chapter of that
one old book
on the dusty shelf on your
basement?
Sometimes I may be hard to read
I understand that,
but I would never leave you waiting
for a nonexistent plot
just to find out that
in the end,
I am still the same
sad & hard cover old book
lost in between many others
in that shelf
inside your mind.

I'm a tiny little boat
and you're my
open sea,
i beg you
to
madly
swallow me up.

Once I've been told I was ugly
so I looked into the mirror and asked that person in there
what was so ugly to make someone take their time
to tell me
something i should already know,
and i knew it.
No one answered anything,
so every mirror i looked, every
piece of reflective
glass,
blade,
or deep into my grandma's eyes,
i wondered:
why would a grandmother, such a lady like you
tell some 8 year old girl
with such harshness
how ugly she was?
Now i look back into those times
when all that i could see was doubts
and flaws and faults, that wasn't mine at all,
and answer myself:
that little girl had a glint in her eyes, which
no grandmothers like hers could ever have,
and she smiles for a second

"I'm not the one to blame if
she's the blind one".

People are always so full
of themselves
but when you need to depict yourself
apart from all the valid reasonable
arguments
you just forget who you really are
you turn into a carrion &
your now cold dead eyes are the ones
in the crow's beak
its unsuccesful attempts to
taste your weaknesses
from inside out
it would never be able to chase you down
but now that you're a parting gift
welcome be the one
that will dissect you quick & harshly
they won't ever care
about what you were
or could be in life
your hopeless future could've come about
once or twice
but you tried hard enough to stop it
by giving yourself a lethal deadline
weren't you?