You as the sky
and I as the sea
dreadful thinking that
only when you weep is when
you're gonna touch
me.

People are always so full
of themselves
but when you need to depict yourself
apart from all the valid reasonable
arguments
you just forget who you really are
you turn into a carrion &
your now cold dead eyes are the ones
in the crow's beak
its unsuccesful attempts to
taste your weaknesses
from inside out
it would never be able to chase you down
but now that you're a parting gift
welcome be the one
that will dissect you quick & harshly
they won't ever care
about what you were
or could be in life
your hopeless future could've come about
once or twice
but you tried hard enough to stop it
by giving yourself a lethal deadline
weren't you?

I can slash a vein and
feel no pain
at all
but you
hurt me
only
by saying that
you have to
leave
and then you leave
me
bleeding
inside.

Do you ever hear yourself
begging for an embrace or
a shadowy surprise getting into the dim-lit room
you're in
for a whisper coming from
the back of your neck
to settle your nerves down
when you're sobbing so hopelessly
in your bed at night?

Once i told him i saw my
pencil case
moving by itself
as i wrote down
a poem
he said he couldnt believe
so i said: its not my problem, i do.
and he replied: actually, it is.
and oh,
i realized.
it is.

If i'm the ****** of your show
your fairty-tale
your life
your ****
allow me to
**** the assumptions
you've made of me
before you really knew me
though you never really did
but i'll do it anyway
because no matter what i've done
or what you've done
i'm the monster in this story
and when the monster comes in
no one survives.
and maybe,
not even
him.

I tried to put all the words out again
terrible mistake
now i'm grounded
by my own wrongs and
i can't make 'em right
not ever again.

You're a sad soul, blue eyes
so am i
but don't drag me with you
to the pit of lies where
you live
I may have loved you
but I can't anymore.

When you're shattered
you should be aware
of your sharp edges
so you won't hurt
the ones
who tries to embrace you
with a gentle & warm
smile.

You're like the evil voice
lurking inside my head
while the other one
is attempting to show me
how good life could be
if only I could feign
I wanted to live.

Doctors have said that pills
would make me better
what they didn't know
is that they were all wrong
i would never get better,
not still being me.

I'm made of mist & rain
tho i can be ice & fire  
& storms & a beautiful sunset
but most of all
i'm made of leaves
and one day
i'll fly away.

Falling down
a walking corpse
no sense at all
no sense in life
no sense in death
things should just vanish away
so you won't ask anything
anymore
for nothing
because nothing is real
as i am falling down
this river
of nothingness &
sinking into
the feeling of
despair
of having nothing else
to lose
but my dead flawed
skin
& ******
skinny bones.

Ashes in my heart
leads to
a solved problem
which you
burned down
while I was
in love.

I pick at my scabs
thinking
that I am picking at
parts of you
inside me &
leaving them
& you
for good.

The destruction is a struggle
but also a desire
and I long for it
more than I ever longed for
anything
in a lifetime.

Some people are like drugs
and you can't get rid of them
as soon as you wish to
And then when you realize
you've got too much of them
you just overdose
and the doctors will never know
that the solution
forr this special od
is to break all your ribs
and pull your heart out
of its cage.

Life should come
with an
(optional)
by its side.

My costume for this halloween-life
is a copy of my
former selves
all engaged in one
so it will be my disguise
and life wont laugh
at me
anymore.

There were blades running in
my blood
i could feel every single one of them
specially when i was going to
slit the skin
of my forearm, just to see if i was still
bleeding enough to be
alive
but i was & have been dead for a long time
ago and i
could barely feel
any other blade or needle or knife
piercing my skin,
tearing me off,
pulling my heart away
with no heartbeats,
only blades &
blood.

Tonight the moon reminded
me of your eyes
but the clouds has hidden its
brightness away just like your
sorrow does
all the time
and I wonder how many stars
are needed to bring it
back
and  how many of my selves
are needed too
because without your luster
my constellation doesn’t
shine too well
like it does when
you’re by my side, though
you’re not here for such
a long time
I hope there in heaven you
can shine the way
you used to by
my side.

How to fix
a damaged soul
when its shell
has no longer
a will
to live?

I tried to sleep again
this night
but you just couldn’t get away of my mind
my dreams turned into nightmares
and you laughed at me
till there was no more tear
left inside me
to shed
do you know how hard it is for me?
to see you laugh at my crying
to see you face me when I’m not
able to face myself
when i’m not able to face my own fate
my own mistakes
my own life
my own self.

I asked you about your secrets
so you threw over my head all
the black pages of all
those books you've once painted with anger
in those dark old
days
so i asked why & why black
and you said because that's
how you felt
in your insides
so i grabbed your hand
and put it over my chest
& i said
that's ok to feel black
sometimes
i've felt & been like this
my whole life
i do not wish i would have been lilac,
or grey, or blue
that's ok to feel like a
black hole
sometimes
because sometimes
people can throw things
back at you
but they will just simply
be swallowed up and
forever forgotten,
and you
will never be touched
by them
again.

All this angst & gloom
hollowing & hazing up my soul
i will never get free
still, i look
for some non existent
exit
from this living hell.

I'm willing to get hurt
but be aware that i'm probably gonna hurt you more.

Why do you speak my name at night?
though i can't see you, i feel you in my
cold belly
in my cold hands
in my deceased mind,
touching me with your hollow words
but why can't i see you?
how long have you been dead?
i've been dead a thousand years
where are you then?
don't be afraid
dead ones can't die
twice
speak my name
one more time
hold my hand
and drag me with you
wherever you
may be right now
because i'm sure it's quite
better than
here.

If i am about to open up my heart
to let it beat & bump
into my chest
then i'm about to let it flow
let it all flow
let the blood and thoughts and angst
just to set me free
of this excruciating pain
that is
to just let
my heart
alive.

It burdens me
i guess it's life
but then i think
it's only
myself
and every now & then
i have to get rid
of what's inside me
which means getting rid
of all the other selves
that insists on trying
to control my mind.

It rains through my eyes,
I can hear thunders in my mind,
There are flowers blossoming through my fingertips,
Now I'm sure I'm a forest-creature.

These walls
are made of blood & pain in the inside
and i beg you
to please
let me
blend in.

The fire spreads while you touch me
gently
I know your lies, and i've known
all of them
for years
six years
i can see your odd blinking &
i can hear your trembling voice
when you say
you have to go back home
or to go back to your
stuff
with has nothing to do with me
and it's okay to try to protect
someone who's been hurting for
more than two decades
but it's not fair
to treat this person
as someone who's as weak & innocent
as a kid
that wouldn't know how to handle
the truth
i can be hurt & i know how to hurt people
and it can be dangerous
because i know where to put the
sharp words & leave no traces behind
but you're not me
and your lies have been as sharp
as my own words when used as a weapon
but i don't know if these
wounds will heal anytime soon
unlike when i am the one
who inflicts them myself
because i don't care if they will heal
because i wanted the pain
because i longed for the wound
to be open & reopened
as time passed by
but your lies are like a razorblade
slipping back & forth
through the same wound
you've inflicted on me
many years ago.

These scars will be there
to remind me
not that I won any battle
but that I didn't give in
in the first defeat.

I want to remember
what it feels like
to see my bones
reaching the sky
while i'm stuck in
this rotten pit bottom.

Your poetry makes me want
to slit my throat and give you
the taste of the blood that runs
through my veins
so you know what
it feels like
to read a so easily boring book
like you.

I don't wanna know about
your problems
deal with 'em & leave
so I can deal with mine
on my own
you left once
I don't need you
you don't need me
we don't need each other
anymore
don't fool yourself
i'm going away
and it's for the best.

I didn't even know you but
when you left
you stole a part of me
that will never be
rescued.

I burn things so i can feel
the ashes vanishing away
as i blow them off
the ground
I burn people's photographs
so i can feel
their eyes dying just
like their memories
in my mind
yet they never do
I burn myself
so i can feel
the heat of the life
that i've never had the chance
to live at its fullest
because i was way too busy
burning my sadness away
yet it knows
how to come back to life &
fulfill my mind.

It's hard to see
through bloodstained glasses
but when your mind
acts like one
you just can't get away
with being *****
with your own blood
but then comes a time when
what happens
is exactly what you once
tried to escape from
your hands get *****
and your bedsheets become
bloodstained
as much as your mind
but you can't help it
because while you're
purging away all these
***** thoughts
in a toilet,
flushing them away like they
were just an amount
of nothing inside of your body,
the blood keeps on
dripping off your limbs
staining the once
bright white
ceramic
that now is no longer
so beautiful
because it weighs
so much more
than anything else
in the world
and it's even more disgusting
when you think
that this only happened
because of you
with your help
with all those sneaky midnight walks
to the bathroom floor
to stain that room
with no mercy
to stain your body
with no mercy
in order to become something
greater
that only exists inside
your mind & inside that mirror
which insists in showing you
a ***** & blurry truth
that holds a grip inside you
and leads you to a cave
you dig on your own.

And there goes the woman
who dares to live
on her own way
It's not so different than I could
possibly think but
I do not know if
she's gonna stay or leave
for real
tho I already kissed her
goodbye
I've suffered because of
her &
I've suffered because I cannot
control what's inside me
that wants to touch her &
feel her everlasting warmth
but I was wrong
everyone of us has
our own way
to go &
no other soul
in this world
can state otherwise
when this very old &  wise
truth
doesn't even fit
in our bare mortal hands.

I feel surrounded by ghosts & shadows
when I think of things
that have left your mouth &
and the ones
i kept inside mine.

I am a flower & you're a butterfly
tho you don't like them
you try to find the best in me
but I am dying &
you can't steal
my death
away.

I feel your thoughts
choking me
I don't need you here
get out of my head
get the **** out of my head
please
just leave me alone
please
leave.

I like to destroy things with
an anger
that only comes up
when the thing i really wish to
destroy is
myself.

I am what i am
I stay in my position until i can not
I am full of words inside me &
although you might think you have
you haven't seen anything like them before
I am full of stars & galaxies
and i'm here to tell you
you haven't been with anyone like me before
I live & i die many times a day
just to shine bright the next day
just to remind you
that i'm the one
who own myself
now & ever.

I trust your poetry
but it says i'm better than i could ever imagine
and all i can think about it
is that
you are
the biggest
liar
alive.

You say hospital beds are
your home so
you can never leave them
without leaving a
part of you in there
but when i'm
with you, i miss that part
with all my heart
because it's about your heart
as well and i
can't be with you
when you're without
your heart
because i feel you're
not really there with me
like when you are around
hospital beds
but there's no such
thing inside me & i
feel you're
better off without
me as your medication but
i don't want to be anyone's medication
i wish i could be your
home but
i'm as cold as dark rainy streets
and not as warm as holspitals' white
bedsheets.

22/11/13

It's kinda unfair
to scream in deaf ears
so it may hear it,
maybe
just as much
as you try to convince me
that life may be
suitable
for a person
just like me.

Haunted by
the ghost
of my own self
telling me
I don't deserve to live.

Come with me. Come. I'm waiting for you.

I swear i saw you there
awaiting for something to happen
in the corner of my room
in the dark
alone
I could swear i saw you from the other side
I was near the window
the wind was blowing ******* the trees that night
I wasn’t afraid,
were you?
I could swear i saw claws moving underneath
your dark long cloak
i couldn’t see its color in the dark but
i’m pretty sure it was nothing
but black
like the sky in that cold night
like my mind, while sitting in the corner of the room
awaiting for you to come to me
and take me home.
i wasn’t afraid
and so weren’t you
for i was you – the night, the dark, the death
and death has no fear
but it can still feel the wind blowing from outside
the window
and it can hear words never spoken
so as you hear when you think
someone whispers
your name
at night.