5 years later—
I still wanna be me.
more a listener,
minus anxiety.
5 years later—
I still wanna have a room,
with a big glass window
where I keep my feelings on display
in the highest floor of a skyscraper,
to catch more of sunlight
so I don’t have anymore trouble
to be more opened up.
5 years later—
I wanna read myself better
and be more careless about people.
kids might be an option,
but I still wanna share the bed with my cat.

we stand on different grounds.
with oceans too wide to cross,
out of sight but never disappear.
so I beg—
I beg for you to never let me
slip off your mind
while I am standing parallel
to wherever you are.
while smiling ear to ear,
arms heated always ready to welcome,
drenched in blood fighting with distance.
and one day
I hope—
I hope you do not forget me

In case no one gets it,
i collect my excerpts
better
than i spell my prayer.
Spills my personal feelings
and trouble,
longer than i bow
on my knees.

i memorize every shame
and quote it
in a piece of paper,
the same stroke
they did to break
my bones.
Marks down
every of their tone
when i got yelled at,
being degraded.

In case no one gets it,
i use my fingertips to fight.
Being sure of my words,
but never myself.

They can take off my guts,
break down my sanity
into pieces of insecurity.
Yet i’m here to remain bold
until the last spill of ink,
and my pen
can no longer stand.

I grew to love the moon,
the stars & what galaxy has in store.
I studied their gleam
& how they burn themselves
to lit up amongst darkness.
still, they’re not the reason
why my cheeks are lifted today.

I grew to love the universe
& how it made up a fate
for you to always be the reason
why I pull through even the hardest day.

you’re worth someone’s scratch
in their book,
every dots, space and the smudge—
as you busy questioning your value
someone’s smearing their ink to make each of your every breath a poetry.
for every word that born—
you blow spirit to them,
brought them to life.

what if love don’t spark anymore
after a while of being together,
what if it dies years
after the knots being tied.
what if it was gone long before we realize.
what if love wasn’t the one we seek.
what if it wasn’t something we need.
what if a marriage requires something else all the time—
for love that doesn't last forever,
but fate does.

—last year has brought me to you
in midst of my slump,
when i needed a rescue.

—last year i made the deal
during the heal,
i should find the will,
to survive the entire new year,
even if it means i can’t have you near.

there will always be starlights in you that others couldn’t capture,
no matter how much i scream to their face to see how bright they gleam.
as i started to realize that they just don’t mean to spark for them—
that was when i found why my heart was the only one that burn.

you always have the heart that i’ll never give to someone new.
either you keep—
or i’ll have to let mine go away with you.

the blur—
seems like it planted deep,
rooting in my bone
scares me to the core
will it ever be sure?
the uncertainty of my future.
i’ve spent nights & days
wide awake thinking
the best ways of dealing
“will i ever stop being so worried?”
about things im not even sure of
while all i can do is sit
—write for the feelings to ease away bit by bit
through every letter the ink spits

i could be friend, i could be lover,
i could be your heart in any form
anything that keep you from harm.

no rush, no gush
no need to chase after time
as long as your hands hanging there
you can always hold mine.

call me friend, call me lover
i’ll be anything to keep you happy,
anything that will make you less sappy.

he—
is that little place in the universe
where i feel the most comfortable
to speak about love
without any hesitation or fear
of getting destroyed
more than i can bear.

that little place in universe
that makes me feel safer
than wherever i’ve been
in life.

he—
is that little place
i call a home without a roof,
where i can keep my heart shatterproof.

only if it wasn’t fictional and i got infected,
don’t even bother thinking about
my plan to remove the flowers i had
in my lungs-
if that means i’ll have to feel
completely numb
towards your presence afterwards.

because you are
someone whose all my senses
have always been so familiar with,
and as much as i can barely breathe
through the roots that planted deep
in my soul,
i am more than willing to be able to live
with this feelings for you.

though you really are the reason
that suffocates me,
i am afraid that i can’t differentiate
whether it was flowers or happiness
that clogged up my neck.

then i’ll choose to keep them growing
and even water them gently
with many endearing thoughts of you

until the time will come
and the flowers finally drowning me in,
i won’t ever blame you
for making this love
becomes the death of me

the crowd went silent after they asked her
“how much do you love him?”
they were not aware of the question
might as well took it as a joke, but
those words were enough to mute her
as she began to stutter–
her eyeballs shaken
water started to fill up the surface of her white
a smile crept into her lips after the answer left them
“I wished him happiness more than I’ve done to myself”

they would never understand.

the place we live in;
it's sure magnificent
but wouldn't ever be so gentle
for the two star-crossed lovers
who can only meet up in dreams
whose love twisted by the fate

one day everything will surely fade.
not my feeling but memory,
aging along with my body.

I don’t know if I’ll still be able to recall a name.
but I can guarantee a place in me,
where the idea of you will be forever remained.

what have the world done in it’s past
to deserve someone as beautiful as you living inside it?

why does my mom never mention the details,
about the prince she told me in every bed time stories.
whether he has a pair of laying silkworm eyebrows,
that he raise whenever he sings.

whether his piercings would dim weakly,
as its defeated by his bright blinding smile.
and if the prince got this little habit
of bringing the hand closer to his mouth,
as if he’s afraid someone would steal his precious laugh.

I grew up wondering in my teenage days
whether the stories were about you
as i’ve been longing for your presence
ever since I heard my very first fairytale

You're just as close as my nose bridge
That my eyes can always reach
But my lips can never kiss

As the light shuts i shall continue
begging the sun not to come up soon,
i haven't finished telling the moon everything–
i wanted to tell you.
Begging the morning not to claim me so fast
‘cause when I sleep
I enjoy seeing your vivid figure
from the back of my eyelids.
Begging the time to stop ticking,
as i fear it’s sound
might just bring us further.

Then i hear the wind blowing the whisper,
asking me how long will i keep on doing this
I asked him back “how long does forever take?”
‘cause I’m planning to give you eternity

There is practically no distance that can cure this feeling i had for you.
Not even the miles, lands or galaxies,
not even the reality.

It passed midnight when i took my medicine
Life has been treating me bad lately
I reached for my phone on the right side of my pillow
Blood was racing inside my cells,
no wonder i'm over anxious all the time
I swiped unlock,
went through my phone storage
In minutes i'm about to puke,
the world was sickening me out

I stopped upon this picture
of the guy who owns 4 piercings on his left ear
The helix one is my favorite
I giggled to the screen
Feeling familiar with the warmth he got on that curvy lips
The tension was chilled a bit—
as i entered my own little world
I felt my brain slowly turned into confetties

It passed midnight when i took my medicine
As every cells on my body
Praised him our favorite love song—
thanked him
For being the most effective way of healing