i always said
i would
never
do it.

i always said
i never
think
about it.

i have,
though.

does it
hurt?
who will
miss me?
what happens
after?

take back
please
to when my
life remained
free
and
blessed

fast forward
it to when
i lay in
sickbed
not knowing
when it is going
to come.

rewind to when
i was fresh,
innocent,
an angel.

and keep me
innocent,
fresh,
an angel.

save me
from the
gaping hole
that sparkles
with
black

because
this disease
has left me
*dead.

My body
is scarred
and bruised
and breaking

My brain
is scattered
and lost
and buzzing

My thoughts
are deep
and painful
and groaning

My smile
is
the same.

Oh, the darkness overwhelms
Every minute I'm sinking deeper
It's hard to see the light
When your thoughts are black as night

But then I see your face
An' the shadows dissipate
An' I'm not so alone
You're the one I've been waiting for

Now you've opened up the door
To my sad and scarred soul
An' I'm so thankful
You're the one I've been waiting for

The anger screams at
My mind.
The pain rips apart
My soul.
The shame hides
My face.
The sadness climbs down
My cheeks.
The trauma reminds me
Every day.

If only I found it easy
To express my love for you
Why don't the words flow
Like they used to

You are my strength
And always there for me
I wish I deserved you
But that will never be

You've never left me
Even when pushed away
Despite my self sabotage
And harsh things I say

I've let you see my dark
Others only see my light
Yet you stayed with me
And held me every night

I don't often say the words
I love you
My heart is scarred by the past
But you know, I really do

today i had someone call me crazy
when they noticed the scars which ravaged up and down my arms
i couldn't say anything, except just think -
so hurting makes me crazy?
the stupidity of how people toss that word around so carelessly
i was never "crazy"
my scars remain as reminders of a past hurt
of a terrible thing i no longer feel the urge to do to myself anymore

so before you label me "crazy"
look at yourself and your ugly thoughts
and how cruel you must be to demean a survivor of their own horrendous thoughts

The shadows on my wall don't frighten me.
As much as my own hands before the screen.
You worry me.
A pill,
You say.
I will,
You say,
You scare me.

I have seen your scars.
I know your demons.
Your past your present .
I know your secrets.
Why this though?
Why,
Suicide?
For once,
My best friend made me cry.
The wall was broken.
My fist was bleeding.
For I knew who was at fault.
She's fine,
They say
Do you know her?
I ask
Because I don't believe you when you say you do.
She would,
I cry,
She will,
I scream,
Heaven please help me.


A deep breath.
A final plead.
I fall to my knees.

Exhaustion.
But you are breathing.
and I may carry your life in my hands.
Again maybe,
You never know.

Back when I was younger,
Still growing and getting stronger
I was asked "what do you want to be when you're older?"
I said I wanted to be in the Army

Looking up to my Dad,
My absent role-model
As he fought overseas
He was my only idol

I wanted to serve a greater cause
Fight for what is right, no hesitation no pause
Just end what is wrong to make the world a better place
Meet these terrorists with a gun, fighting face to face

But then I heard some stories of war
A man went over not knowing what to fight for
Should he fight because he must, who could he really trust?
So many doubts and he ended up at Deaths door

Could you just imagine
All the carnage and the damage?
**** that, imagine standing next to
What remains of your friend

Being the one to carry him
Off of the battlefield
And laying him to rest in
An unscarred, peaceful, quiet field

I just don't think I could cope
No matter how much I want to fight
Torn in two, between wrong and right
Between the warmth of the dark and the cold light