Falling for you was so effortless,
that my heart is still bruised from the crashing halt.

I know I'm not old.
But I am older.

Older then I use to be.
but some days I still look in the mirror
and wonder if I'm still sixteen.
I still feel sixteen!

Last month I turned nineteen.
Just yesterday I was six years away from being nineteen.

and now I'm in college
and expected to know how to do everything.

Next year I'll be twenty
I don't think I'm ready

Life's going by too fast
Someone hit the breaks
before
I


crash.

It's funny
Sometimes you have to nearly die
Before you can start living

I am better for my accident
I am not ashamed

Finally,
My soul gets the chance to
Breathe

And I spun and I spun and I spun
So out of control
No rhythm
Short. Choppy.
It lasted so long, so quickly.
I don’t know what happened,
But I saw it.
Even though I didn’t.
My car did pirouettes
Down the embankment
Until it found a spot to rest
In between two hedgeposts
And barbed wire.
They say your life flashes before your eyes
In moments like this,
But for me,
It was moments I wouldn’t ever have.
The things I wanted to accomplish,
The people that I loved.
It was heartbreaking.
When I crawled out,
No different than when I got in,
I laughed with tears in my throat.
Today, the world is the same,
But I will never be.

The bumper
pushed
right
back
like bangs,
into the skin, breaks in a creased forehead.
Linen from insides
turns into
a toy.
Plasticated hot wheels.
Activated air bags,
prank flour explosions from the ledge of a door,
door handle swings,
fidgets
funny how one day it looks like rain and the other
not just a gale,
a down pouring hurricane.
The end is here, baby
and
nothing left
of
our
...bombsite, breathes,
but flailing and pleading,
a hand.
Where's it's
limbs, breathes,
got to?
Bust its last change at high noon,
fingernails, shoes, chewed, dug into dusk.
Dust.
Politics' lips slapping, struggle shaping, stuttering
W-w-why, Ma?
your best friend who tells lies to keep live,
watching, waiting
assembling dark matter 'cause our lives matter
Like the old man
who fell asleep at the wheel.

I always hurt by caring too much
Expecting similar effort in return
This time thought I could maintain control
Some habits too deeply rooted to unlearn

There seems to be no magic number
Of heartbreaks able to change my ways
Come back to the very thing that destroys me
Resolve weakens in a matter of days

Each time I crash a little harder
The throbbing gets worse, injuries more severe
Plunged into a deep pool of denial
Would rather live a lie than face you not here

Although the agony is somewhat unbearable
Weight of dishonesty too heavy to hold
Know without a doubt it does not compare
To torment of watching our romance unfold

The most difficult decision I have ever made
Has been to give up on what I poured time into
Level the skyscraper that took eons to build
Clear unsalvagable wreckage and begin anew

Though all that remains are tiny pieces and dust
Of love we were so proud to call our home
I desperately scramble for answers in the ruins
Mind broken, I relentlessly comb

Looking like a pitiful fool
Witnesses point, scoff loudly, and stare
They don't understand how it feels to lose your heart
Should be embarrassed but I'm far too unaware

Oblivious to disarrayed surroundings
Aching nerves scorch muscles with greif
Any semblance of time long ago flew away
Have been trapped an eternity in a stupor of disbelief

****** sore palms red from scouring sharp sections
Hunting the same oversifted handfuls of our past for a trace
Of intimacy once lacing our brittle tired bones
Is it the feeling or just familiarity I chase?

All I know is functions halt when I'm on my own
Unsure if I can survive without you by my side
Whether its your soul or simply your presence I need
Or something else all together I can't decide

I was not clingy until you carried me on your back
Was not jealous before I discovered your power
One glance leaves head dizzy, drawing in with your charm
Emotions grow wild, stronger by the hour

So I'm stuck here stumbling mumbling incoherently
Staggering zig-zagging directions soaked
Love left me beaten, too ****** up to form a sane thought  
Mental state disturbed by the lies on which I choked

Conscience becoming numb, withdrawn into my shell
Long to close eyes for a semi-permanent sleep
I've not yet felt such emptiness before
An old hole reopens for each promise you failed to keep

Hopefully this will be enough
To secure chains constricting my heart
Lift the veil so my stubborn eyes can see next time
Stop the flood of high-pressure emotions before they can start

He didn’t grow up in a good home.
He didn’t have a supportive mother.
He didn’t have a father worth speaking of.
He didn’t know how to read or write.
He didn’t know that 2+2=4.
He didn’t have any friends.
He didn’t know that such wonderful things existed.
He didn’t play or run outside.
He didn’t have the permission to.
He didn’t graduate high school.
But he didn’t drop out.
That night, he didn’t stop drinking.
That night, he didn’t use his head.
That night, he didn’t care.
That night, he didn’t put on his seatbelt.
He didn’t see the car coming.
He didn’t hear the crunch of the metal.
He didn’t hear the screech of the tires.
He didn’t wake up.

let's yawn let's yawn
from terrible sadness from horror
from terrible sadness for joy
oh let's oh let's just yawn
yawn from all these events

from events from car explosions
from events from helicopter crashes
from events from darkness and noir around
from the events of the killings that make up
what is this circle building this circle

come on come on let's yawn together
come on let's go die together
come on come on together
together forever go the wheel to eternity
for joy never to leave us

14.11.18