**** these tiny butterflies,
that rest in my stomach,
and expand in my chest...

like little paper knives,
i choke.  

and
ill block my lungs one day,
and ***** them up,
coughing out each wing
and eyeball and
tooth
.
.
.

even if theyve got my tongue twisted,
and my brain scattered,

like paint,
it is venom to my
squeezing, breathing heart
and
one day
ill rip out my
intestines
just to see them
gone.

I train my throat,
To take the smoke
But not to make these lyrics dope
Though I'm here to stay as I hoped
I'll smoke ya spirits and hope you choke

time passing
a place to be
nowhere to go
so it seemed

twenty-five hours ago
didn't we break free

wet Mondays
called out
the grooves
that smiled
in between
Needlehead
and me

Not on food I choke,

On words,

Thoughts,

Memories,

Recalled to me,

Like a catalogue of disasters,

I choke,

Because I miss you,

Yet you never knew I cared,

I choked

I tried to tell you,

And now,

Now I choke on pills,

And you'll never know.....

I choked on the crumpled paper
     where our love story we scribbled over.

At your death I was a ghost,
lying next to your body, I tried not to choke.
The suffocation of words I didn't say left me tired and broke.
I wanted to lay in the morgue and
f
  a
    l
      l
asleep with you there,
next to your blue glass eyes and brown curly hair.

The parting gift you left for me-- a dialogue in my head,
your ghost screams at me at night, I’m never alone in my bed.
A chorus of morphine alarms and IV drips silence me; and they sing my songs for you instead.

I’ve mastered independence strength and might
I’ve mastered pushing everyone away
With standards high, I’ve mastered loneliness
No tears are shed when someone goes astray

I’ll admit, it’s working out quite nicely
Heartbreak in my future, I don’t see
Heartbreak comes from closeness turned to distance
But distance comes so naturally to me

Flooded with feelings when they are close by
Flooded with feelings when they’re far away
They drown in feelings, I’m completely dry
Won’t dip my toe, scared I’ll get swept away

I’ve mastered this dry land, my own safety
Mastered feeling content walking on land
But one thing I cannot seem to master
Is my strange desire to go and swim

Flooded with feelings or choking on air
I simply can’t decide which one is worse
At least the water makes you feel something
My dry land leaves me numb with quite a thirst

Staying on the surface can’t satisfy
My deep desire for something much more
Better to feel too much than not at all
Goodbye safety, it’s time to leave the shore

The grand, Dutch doors inside your eyes
slammed themselves shut
and this time was different because
I knew you would not be letting me back in.

I knew there would be no espresso
or red, Spanish lace stockings or you
forgiving me before *******
the breath out of me.

I knew on the nights I was a ghost
you would no longer visit my cemetery.

I knew when the old heart jar
began swimming frantic laps within my stomach
you would no longer burn lavender incense
or tuck me into bed.

I knew there were goodbye's
that felt like black, hot concrete
on bare feet.

I might miss you—
Every hole in your jeans
And flyaway hair;
I might have saved that crooked smile,
Kept it close,
Carried it with me to the bus stop
And the bakery that makes my favorite egg sandwiches.
Maybe I counted every stutter, every heavy blink of your eyes as you fell asleep.

I might have stared your demons in the eye,
Kept them away during the night
(I've never been scared of the dark).
I could have kissed the scars on your hands,
The bruises on your knees.
It's possible you meant more to me
Than the autumn leaves
And the stars that stay frozen in place outside my window.

Maybe you knew me,
My bright lipstick and lack of self control,
The pale birthmark on my neck;
You might have memorized every curve of my lips,
Pensive sighs,
As I let you see the fear behind my wide blue eyes.

Maybe you filled the cracks I'd never admit I had
(It hurts just to say it now),
Found the fragile pieces and wove them into a blanket to keep me warm.
It's possible you saw the lies I carry,
The spiders with their gnashing teeth and blood-red eyes,
And stood by me all the same.
Maybe you called me, suddenly, on your way to work,
Surprised to find yourself wanting me, though we'd just left each other.

We might have been in love,
But those three words burned in our throats,
We could only choke out ashes, not even a spark.
Now every trace of fingertips across our hearts only brings up dust,
Settled deep in chambers and arteries for heaven knows how long,
Made from the memory of my lipstick, the holes in your jeans,
And everything we might have had,
If only we'd allowed ourselves to recognize it.