you took my hand
or maybe you didnt maybe
i was dreaming
sleepwalking
with fawns at my side,
my innocence
but you hit the fawns
with your car
in a church parking lot
skin on skin
tears on your stomach you asked
if i was crying
and i told you my eyes just water
when i choke
you said it was beautiful
you said
i
was beautiful
am i still?
you haven't called me baby since then
or returned my calls
i'm alright though i just hope you don't notice
the scars

I bet I could stretch
Like you've never seen before
With the crook of my finger
And a wink, let the games begin

You want to struggle
My little **** toy?

Ah ah ah, let's tie these hands
Behind your back
Don't get any ideas
Pet

Obey me, lie on your belly
Crush your head into the pillow
Cringe and squirm, please
Let me just, strap this on

Not listening, hm?
I have other things
Leather, that will leave marks
On your tender, innocent flesh

Let my fingers coil
Make it harder to breathe
Force you down
By a pull of your hair

I'm going to be an animal
And you will be the prey
I will feast on you
I will nibble you

Bite you into submission
Pinch and squeeze
Smack and tease
Say please

I will go on
Long after you thought
To say no, until
All you want is

More, more, more
I will chew through you
I will dominate you

I dare you to struggle
My little **** toy

my tears don't threaten to spill
they run down freely
fiercely
without my permission
i never really did learn how to choke down a sob
i was never taught to do so

if you really want to see
what you've done to me
just look inside of this
this notebook you see

I'm petrified of your kiss
yet its the one thing I miss
when i'm laying on my couch
all benzo'd out

its the thing I desperately crave
when i'm alone in an ice cave
then I remember our bout
the one before you kicked me out
the one where I said ouch

you had me on your bed
your hands suffocating my head
all I thought was I love you tons
but then I saw your guns

I believed me a *****
a pathetic daddy issue girl
because of what you said
it burned me to the core

this is it you see
how I don'twant to be
how you thought me to be
that is what you've done to me

You’re soft. Smooth.
And yet you want me to break you.
You want my hands engraving red marks into your skin.
Your sweet, soft skin.

I cannot.
But not because I don’t want to.

Ribbons or rope or
laces that loop while
embracing your waist and
encroaching your throat.

Ribbons or rope,
no difference I hope,
for the use of helping
me force you to choke

"Ribbons or rope?":
in a whisper you spoke,
as the air you gasped
tasted of broken glass.

So turn blue for me now,
as blue as I've been
for you.

So lovely to choose
between ribbons
or rope.

At night while you're lying in your bed, angry at the sleep your body is depriving itself of, I hope you think of me and I hope your blood boils.
When your brain is dancing, tangled and knotted with your demons from all realms of your life; past, present, future, and you feel your hands clench into wrecking ball like fists, I hope you feel my phantom hands close lightly around them reminding them the pain isn't worth it. And then I hope you swing anyway.
When you grip a hand full of your hair, I hope you feel my fingers brush the tendrils from your face, and then I hope you pull.
When you lean against the first solid object in your path, on both arms, just looking for something to hold you up, I hope you feel my arms snake around you and my breath on your neck reminding you to breathe, just breathe with me, like this, slow it down, match me. Then I hope you forget how to breathe all together and your legs give out and you fall, weak, to the ground.
While you're down there shaking with anger and sadness and heaving out tears you dare let no one see, I hope you miss my calmness.
And more than anything, I hope as every second plays out you know that all it would take is one call, and I'd be there to ease you out of the nightmare I know you're trapped in.
And then, I hope you choke to death on the thought of letting someone like that go.
And I hope for your sake it was worth it.

Choking on all the friends that are gone
And all the stories that are lost
Along with bits of my sanity
Tripping on the lines I have crossed

Choking on all the times that you said you will call
But I was left waiting for you in the cold
With tears like waterfalls
And a story left untold

Choking on all the hopes and wishes that were not lost
But taken away from my own hands
And I, like a child held on so tight
Until it slipped right off of me like sand

Choking on all the promises I couldn’t keep
On all the pills I still taste on my tongue
All the razor blades that cut skin deep
And the times from myself, I couldn't run

Choking on all the dreams that were shattered away like broken glass
And surrounded me like nightmares I could never escape from
Capturing me like hurricanes or a spell, a witch would cast
Or the times, I could not face the sun

Choking on all the times I tried to take it away
Only to end up with a tube down my throat
As I struggled to whisper the words “I’m okay”
Hoping they will not find the note that I wrote

Choking on all the goodbyes that were not said
All the wounds that are not meant to heal
And all the mornings I woke up
Wishing I wasn't here.