I told you

just the other day

that I wanted to be a movie star

if only I was pretty



you stared into my eyes

and asked if my mirror was broken

'cause I looked straight off the runway stunning

I rolled my eyes

and said stop with the lies

I just want to be pretty



A few days later

I wanted to be a model

goodbye food,

hello gym

I said I could do it if I was pretty



you slapped me so hard

trying to bring me back to reality

but it was too late

she was already controlling me



Two weeks later

I'm told I'm gonna die

if I keep this up

but I want to become a singer

and a dancer

so back to the bathroom

goodbye binge



You took me to the ER

where people stopped and stared

at the girl who would do anything

to believe she's pretty

I have a best friend, a sister really,

So I wrote her this poem, it's nothing silly,

If you knew her you'd know,

She's really pretty,

I mean really, abnormally,

But she doesn't believe it,

She asks why doesn't that size fit,

But I wish she could see,

that she is perfect the way she was made to be.

You've broken my heart,

You've made me cry,

I should be bitter (Shouldn't I?)

But I'm still alive,

And I've realized,

You'll never be less,

In my eyes.



When you ask,

Why you're still alive,

I'll answer with,

"Because you shouldn't die"



You'll change your ways,

But not for long,

I'll ask you why,

and you'll ramble on,

about how you feel,

and with a tear in my eye,

I'll say,

"Enough! Please!

Don't make me cry!"



You'll try to change,

Yet once again,

But you'll grab that bin,

Wanting to be thin,

You'll cry out,

Ana wins.



I'll come back,

I won't give up hope,

I know somehow,

Maybe, you'll cope,

Maybe, someday, you'll make it through,

Because I can't, without you.



I know you still have it,

That urge,

To grab the blade,

I know it's a feeling,

You'll never evade.



But if I could tell you one thing,

Dear,

It would be,

Do not fear.

The Lord will help you,

And so will I,

So do not cry,

Dry your eyes.

It's amazing
                     Isn't it?
    What a difference
                                                       EIGHT
                             *******
        
                                                   POUNDS
makes..

                       I was feeling okay
    Then I stepped on that ****** scale
                                              And now
I'm                   Falling
            To                    
     P
      E
         I
           C
              E
                 S

If only that were a literal statement..
            Then maybe I could forget some shards of myself

And I'll be lighter

When I was younger
I was stick thin.
My aunt pulled my mom aside and cautiously whispered
Do you think she's been eating enough?
My third grade teacher
gave me the nickname
Skinny Minnie,
my gym teacher told me to
go eat a cheeseburger.

Now I look in the mirror
and cannot find my younger self.
My aunt did not blink an eye
when I said
I'm not hungry.
My teacher does not question
when I bring only a water bottle to lunch,
someone, please,
tell me to go eat a cheeseburger,
because I have only eaten
two-hundred calories today
but no one is calling me skinny.

hunger is a blade that carves me
i open my arms and pull the air in
-big hug!-
then ****, right through me, nobody there.
it's only me holding myself.
my arms wrap two times
around my ribs,
meet behind my back for a secret
handshake.
i am not what was expected.
i'm so sharp-
it's cut me now i'll cut you.
come closer
closer
no, come closer
i'm gonna make you see what i see

I.
Witness your family
stop loving
each other.

II.
Understand what people mean
when they say
the world is not fair.

III.
Be struck with
the realization that
you are not special.

IV.
Hurt yourself.
Don't tell
anyone.

V.
Let strangers
see parts of you
your friends never have.

VI.
Decide that being deep
is more important
than being happy.

VII.
Cut all your hair off
without asking
your parents.

VIII.
Let your ex
boyfriend see
all your scars.

IX.
Go to counseling.
Do not cry.
Not here.

X.
Stop
hurting
yourself.

XI.
Feel empty.
Try not
to cry.

XII.
Let yourself
be defined by the
honesty of numbers.

XIII.
Do not
fill your emptiness
with calories.

XIV.
Pour out your
heart, soul,
dinner.

XV.
Restrict yourself.
Minimize.
Shrink.

XVI.**
Finally
have
control.

On Tuesday,
I drank tea with a skeleton
named Eileen.
Her fingers were long,
and her lips were drawn
like a frown, unable to move.
It was a sad sight to see,
and it convinced me to be happy,
now matter the weather,
and she said --

If I were to die,
which I will, one day,
I would like to pass in a forest,
for surely it is curious
for a life to end
where so many
begin.

So we laid her body in a bed of daisies
and painted her eyelids with raspberry tears
and coated her lips with the Queen's honey
and covered her naked corps with ferns
so that she finally experienced the embrace of a Mother.
Cause she said --

If I were to die,
which I will, one day,
I would like to pass in a forest,
for surely it is curious
for a life to end
where so many
begin.