That word feels so good in my mouth.
You know the one,
Starts with an F,
and ends with You.
I just let it roll off my tongue,
I have let it do so,
Since before the pain,
And since last June.
The meaning changes with every thought,
I went from I'll F You,
To just F You,
Whenever I was caught.
It's just so satisfying on my tongue,
Do you even know,
What I went through,
All because of you?
Who knew these words would help so much?
More than the lock-down,
Or the therapy, I might add.
I went through just oh so much,
With threats of lockups,
On top of lock-downs,
And the reality of solitude.
The madness and pain will never end.
With hot breath,
Still on my neck,
And glares still shot my way.
The jokes that started then, still go on,
About little ****** Tor,
Stealing the hearts of older men,
Hoping she can score.
The feelings for me are always mixed,
Between good or bad,
I'm sure that youth leader loved,
Having a fall-back plan.
You see, my life's a living hell, maybe even for good,
So here I am,
The **** of everyone's joke.
Don't you understand what I've been through?? What I'm still going through??
I've been put on lock-down since June, watched every second of every day, threatened to be put in a residential treatment facility to get you out of my head, and I almost begged for it, because it sounded like heaven to be away from my family, despite what I'd be going through there. I was put in counseling, and watched every second of every day, with my brother literally breathing down my neck. I was guarded every time I entered the store, literally flanked on every side, to keep you and me apart. Even now, my best friends have nick-named me ****** like from Nabokov, and half my youth leaders avoid me, the other half... Well, don't. I'm ******* up and I'm a punchline. I highly doubt you can say that.
Part of me hopes you never read this, actually, most of me hopes that. But I just needed to write what I felt.