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Victoria Johnson Dec 2015
The gorgeous Fox mesmerizes me,
I watch him perform for me,
Sing for me,
Play for me,
Call me out by name.

"Little Bird" He cries,
"Don't leave me,
Let the sun hit your feathers,
So you may light up,
In brilliant hues,
Of gorgeous greens,
And blues."

"Little Bird" He croons,
"Be mine, be my dark,
Beautiful raven,
And never let me go.
Be my songbird,
And sing only for me,
Because I care about you."

And I bathe in the attention of my Fox,
I let myself fall for him,
I listen to him,
I care for him,
And as I open my beak to sing,
I drop the bread from within my mouth,
Which he catches in his teeth,
And flees,
Leaving his Little Bird,
To cry in shame for what she's done.
Written for a man I called my Fox once in reference to the Aesop's Fable about the fox and the raven. He called me "Little Bird" after I compared myself to a raven once, so I found the fable fitting both then and now, though for different reasons. I still miss him, and although we can remain friends, that doesn't mean I get my bread back :/
Victoria Johnson Dec 2014
Here I stand shocked,
I forgot your birthday,
I thought the day wouldn't come,
That I went without thinking of you,
That my life wouldn't revolve,
Around you.

I've grown just so much,
That I don't rely on you,
To make my choices for me,
To control what I say or do.

I am alive and I am me,
And nothing you have done,
Could have changed my core,
My essence, my very being.
I am not yours.

I am happy now,
And finally free,
From your grasp,
From the grip you had on me.

Thank you,
For teaching me how to love,
And thank you,
For teaching me to move on.
To Nick. The best first boyfriend a girl could have asked for, one that would inadvertently teach her to not put up with someone obsessed with controlling her. For being loving despite everything I didn't know. I can't believe you're 20, and I forgot.
Victoria Johnson Dec 2014
You tell me the truth,
That what made you fall for me,
Was me.
Was that I listen,
To you,
Not that I'm willing to shed,
My clothes,
And every shred of self respect,
With them.

You tell me the truth,
That all you needed was my ear,
And my voice,
Not my naked form, my chest,
Against yours,
Not my lips on your lips or my tongue,
In your mouth.

But even now you call,
And I listen,
So won't you tell me the truth?
Do you,
Want me to stop or not?
Are you,
Over me, or aren't you?
Will you,
Keep me in limbo forever?
Because now,
My back will surely break.
Victoria Johnson Nov 2014
That word feels so good in my mouth.
You know the one,
Starts with an F,
and ends with You.

I just let it roll off my tongue,
I have let it do so,
Since before the pain,
And since last June.

The meaning changes with every thought,
I went from I'll F You,
To just F You,
Whenever I was caught.

It's just so satisfying on my tongue,
Do you even know,
What I went through,
All because of you?

Who knew these words would help so much?
More than the lock-down,
The intervention,
Or the therapy, I might add.

I went through just oh so much,
With threats of lockups,
On top of lock-downs,
And the reality of solitude.

The madness and pain will never end.
With hot breath,
Still on my neck,
And glares still shot my way.

The jokes that started then, still go on,
About little ****** Tor,
Stealing the hearts of older men,
Hoping she can score.

The feelings for me are always mixed,
Between good or bad,
I'm sure that youth leader loved,
Having a fall-back plan.

You see, my life's a living hell, maybe even for good,
So here I am,
****** Tor,
The **** of everyone's joke.
Don't you understand what I've been through?? What I'm still going through??

I've been put on lock-down since June, watched every second of every day, threatened to be put in a residential treatment facility to get you out of my head, and I almost begged for it, because it sounded like heaven to be away from my family, despite what I'd be going through there. I was put in counseling, and watched every second of every day, with my brother literally breathing down my neck. I was guarded every time I entered the store, literally flanked on every side, to keep you and me apart. Even now, my best friends have nick-named me ****** like from Nabokov, and half my youth leaders avoid me, the other half... Well, don't. I'm ******* up and I'm a punchline. I highly doubt you can say that.

Part of me hopes you never read this, actually, most of me hopes that. But I just needed to write what I felt.
Victoria Johnson Nov 2014
I'm never sure I love you,
Until the moment I have to be without,
The moment you can't handle me.
The moment that I realize that what I did,
Is killing you.

Please know I love you,
Even in the moment I've gone without,
That moment you can no longer handle me,
That moment when you can't pretend that what I did,
Isn't killing you.

How could you care so much for me?
When I do this again and again?
When I've degraded myself to the point,
That I am nothing but garbage?

I love you,
And nothing I say is an excuse.
Nothing I say should be.
I care so much about you,
And I don't know how you could forgive me.
I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't.
I can't.

I can't forgive myself.
I led someone on without meaning to,
And I let what was precious to me,
Be stolen once again.

The burden on my shoulders,
Grows heavier with every step I take.
The knowledge that even you couldn't stay,
That you couldn't handle this,
That I love you.
I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
Please don't go.
Victoria Johnson Nov 2014
What is it like?
That moment of freefall,
When you're the one who jumped?

Do you dread the end?
Have second thoughts?
Or are you just content?

Do you feel peace?
Or like you have wings?
Or has control been ripped away?

Suicide is not a beautiful thing,
But do you feel beautiful in that moment,
When it's just you, the air, and God?

Do you feel like an angel in that moment?
Or does the reality hit you too soon,
That the thing you did to gain control,
Is not in your control after all?

Because you are but a human,
Just one of many,
And entirely unique.

But one thing we have in common,
Or rather, don't have,
Is control.
Victoria Johnson Nov 2014
To those people who think that I,
That I just want somebody to love me,
That I just want the attention,
That I didn't care about him at all,
You were wrong.

Love scares me,
Closeness scares me,
And no matter how nice you are,
You scare me.

I don't care if you're in love with me,
Because I don't believe you.
I don't care if all you've ever wanted is me,
Because I can't care for you.

If I were to love you,
I could lose you,
If I were to care,
You could leave.

You scare me,
But not so much you,
As the power you could hold over me.
Don't push me into something. You try to get close to me, and every step closer you take, I'm going to take 5 away.
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