I have no where to hide
Nothing to blind me
The silent space between us
grows more and more
I don't know how I'll shield myself
from your eyes that never look my way
I don't know what to feel
Will I ever feel okay?

Everything I notice reminds me of you
Letters turn to words turn to sentences
all about you and you have no clue
I'm filled with what ifs and regrets
Is there anything I can do?

I have no other destination
No where else to go
There are no more distractions
to hide myself from reality
I no longer know how to avoid
my emotions
They are breaking down my walls
Will I overcome this one-sided devotion?

I wrote you poems you will never read
Sentences turn to stanzas turn to poems
all for you and I can't help it
I can't stop thinking about you anymore
*Will my thoughts of you ever quit?

(Trigger warning)

The absence of light fills the room. She doesn’t want to see herself not even her shadow. She’s ashamed of what she’s become.  She is sitting on the bathroom floor with her head in her hands. She’s constantly trying to rid herself from her feelings but nothing she does will ever make her feel better.

Her mind lets her play her game. It gives her memories of regrets and memories she wishes to forget. Her eyes play along as well. They let her see things and change her perspective. They create tears and let it stream down the side of her cheeks.  Her hands start to shake and sweat. Her ears play along as well. They let the voices in her head be heard. They make sure she hears every word.

She doesn’t like this game but it’s the only game she’s good at. Her breathing becomes shallow and she knows her lungs have joined in as well. Her lips are dry and her head feels light. Soon all parts of her have joined the game and all parts are ready to end it.

you fall
your pieces shattered
because you are adored by all
but not to the one that mattered

you pick up your parts
scattered on the floor
a work of art
he never adored

I want to write about someone's eyes
How they look at me or how they shine
The feelings and emotions they reveal
when they look into mine

I want to write about someone's hands
Their palms rough and filled with callus
How they make their way around my waist
with little thoughts of malice

I want to write about someone's hair
How it tangles when I brush through it with my fingers
as you lay on my chest with our legs intwinned together
Dreaming and hoping no eyes would linger

I want to write about someone's lips
The way they wait for mine to come closer
when they touch, I get a faint taste of wine
our bodies drunk but our thoughts are sober

I want to write about someone
I'll imprint their name on paper
I'll write for the whole world to know
You were lead to me by an Almighty Creator

Maybe soon I'll find out who that someone is
and maybe soon I can write about all this

I've painted a face far from my own
I've painted it thick enough so no one will know

It rained and it poured.
The paint dripped to the floor

I panicked and ran as far as I can.
I covered my face with both of my hands.

I didn't want anyone to see me
Even I didn't want to see who that might be

I haven't seen her in so long
Me and her, we don't get along

She's my little secret that holds all my secrets
To hide her is the only way to keep it

I make sure no one is around then I lock the bathroom door
Its time for another battle in this never ending war

I take my brush and paint over my cracks
I paint layers and layers and hope it'll stay intact.

I take a long look in the mirror
My reflection says to come nearer

I saw the person I wanted to be
I close my eyes and count to three

I was ready to put on a show
I was ready to be someone I didn't know

I walk out with the smile I drew
I am now the person everyone is used to

They don't notice I am not who I portray myself to be
Deep down, I kind of hope they'll see right through me

You are a question, a puzzle, a riddle.

I have subsumed you in every thought but I don't know how this happened. I let you consumed me but I have no regrets. You gave me a different blend of emotions and its a feeling I simply can't forget.

There is part of you that is incomplete and I can see the missing piece.

You are still unsolved. Locked up in your own world. I want you to give me your key. I want show you what I can see. A world of just you and me.

I don't know why I'm thinking about all this. These are the ideas I can't dismiss. I don't know if its wrong to have feeling for someone this strong.  I want you to see the real me but I've started to be more cautious of the things I do. I constantly think about what I am to you.

I can't grasp your essence. You are complex. You make me lose all commonsense. I've already asked those around but none of them have been as curious as me. I fear to answer you directly because people might see what  I want us to be.

Well, not really. I don't fear us. I shouldn't care what people think. I just want to be the fragment that fills her absence but I fear the chance that I won't be a piece that matters.

But, I still hope I might be your answer.

My voice will never reach you
You're too far to even hear a sound
I wished you'd hear me but you're never around

I want to find you but you prefer to be lost
I've opened up and hoped you'd still commit
Yet, you'd rather wonder around my little bubble with no plans to decipher it

I've welcomed you inside my comfort zone
Why can't you just try to understand?
You're only interested in finding out how much my little bubble can withstand

Now, I'm pushing you out so you'll never find out
You'll only watch me float away and think "What was that about?"

I've created the perfect picture in my head
Excitement builds up knowing that I will see it in the flesh
I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

Whispers of my insecurities roll up into my ear
They tell all the things that I should fear
My cries for help morphed into silent tears
They start to talk about the mistakes I made last year

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

My head points at all the flaws in my flawless plan
They constantly tell they aren't a fan
"Its not good enough." "Its not ready."
Their criticism makes me feel slightly unsteady

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

My eyes start to see all of my self-doubt
I tell myself to block them out
It caresses my face and wipes my tears away
I've got no other option but to pray

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

I can't find support in me but I'll still take my dreams to reality
Wars of the angel and the devil continue in my mind so I tell myself I'm gonna be fine.
Part of me tells me I won't
The other part tells me not to listen and I don't

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

Its hard to be a being in conflict with theirself
You win and lose no matter which side you choose
You are your hero and your enemy
You are two in one identity

Maybe one day
I won't write about you
Maybe someday
I'll write about someone new

I asked you how you were
You didn't reply
Because you found her
I didn't get say goodbye

I wrote this for you
So, if you're reading this, it's okay
There's nothing I can do
I can't ask you to stay

I expected this, I knew
I'm sending this message to you
And I'm hoping that it will get through
So, here's one last poem for you

Its not you
Its me
That was cliche
Don't you agree?

It hurts me more
that I caused you pain
by rejecting everything you do
You've got nothing to gain

I don't like you
Not the way you do
So walk away
What I say is true

I don't want to upset you
You have to understand
This is better than false hope
I know this isn't what you have planned

I am not the one for you
We are not meant to be
Don't make this difficult
Just stop fighting for me

Stop trying to convince me
I don't feel the same way
Just let me go
We aren't close friends anyway

Please stop
You're hurting yourself more
Its all wishful thinking
I'm not the person you should adore

I'm sorry
That's all I can say
I'm sorry
That it has to end this way

In a world of black and white, they told me to put down my pride so I stood in an alley waiting for my mind to decide.

My thoughts were a mess. It wasn't just black and white. Colors were mixing together and it was a beautiful sight.

I open my eyes and let them paint the Earth. It was bewitching. They showed me how much mother nature is worth.

The world is missing out but I wonder if they can see what I can see.
Who would want to ignore this? or did they chose not to pick reality?

God created this work of art but it's been scratched by mankind.  No one seems to notice but its not that hard to find.

In this colorless world, men can wave hello with blood on their hands.
It makes me shiver that people don't know that the color red will always be a part their plans.

I will not swallow my pride and pretend that I didn't see the palette they are waiting to use. I'll show the people the shades they tried to hide and power they've abused.

He who holds the palette is no artist. Too many strokes of red have been brushed yet the puddles are still left unreported. The man who likes to play God is not to be supported.

Spots of red are scattered everywhere. Yet, he chooses to look the other way. He chooses to live in a fool's paradise and it's a price he's willing to pay.

It's late at night and I want to sleep but my mind keeps me dreaming. It makes me sick but it keeps my heart beating. No matter where I run, I end up back to you. You've reconstructed everything and now, I can sense the changes in my body even other people noticed too.

I am baffled by you. Perplexed by how you could pass through my walls without tearing them down. You've created a shadow of probability and I know I have no chance.  I could leave with the truth but I want you to keep me in this trance.

I want you to keep me in this small world I fabricated for us. Where no one can change anything not even the arrangement of dust. Keep this in the dark, keep it away from everyone else. I beg for you to keep me here but...

These emotions are overwhelming and I'm being devoured. I don't want them anymore. I'm confuse. I don't know what I want. I've tasted the sweetness of my temptation and I'm eager for more but I get a plate of actuality, something I didn't ask for.

Or did I?

I don't remember. I hear the sounds of rain outside our bubble.
The rain makes me think about the hows of us.
How it could feel holding your hand.
How we could be...
How we stay...
****.

Mind screaming
Mouth close
Tears streaming
Larger dose

Run and run
Don't let them see the tears
Run towards the sun
Let go of all the fears

I want to get out
of my head and this place
I'm full of doubt
I can't solve my case

Runaway as far as I can
from your disappointed eyes
Runaway from those hands
that hold so many lies

Done with all
but its not done with me
Its going to chase me til I fall
but I'll still try to flee

Runaway from all the words
Away from all the stares
Runaway to our Lord
To someone who cares

Nothing will stop me
from trying to get away
All I want to be is free
and just get through this day

You sung her a song
while watching the stars
You made her believe in forever
With just one strum of your guitar

She never forgot the song
you sang to her that night
You even danced with her
You filled her heart with delight

You held her close to you
Your hand on her waist
You are the memory
She wish to erase

Bitter sweet thoughts
fill her mind everyday
When she saw you with
another girl in the hallway

Sweet and cute
you both acted
You didn't see her
You were too distracted

Quietly, She sat
A few rows behind you two
She wishes you knew how she felt
She wishes she told you

You thought she didn't like you
but you didn't notice the signs
Shy smiles, touchy hands
You didn't read between the lines

She takes half the blame
You liked her and she liked you
She regrets not admitting it
She thinks about the chances she blew

When the song plays
She remembers the dance as if a must
She remembers the look in your eye
As if no one knows anything but us

But life goes on
She'll live her life with this regret
You'll live yours never knowing
Maybe soon she'll forget

Glass after glass
She writes without her mask
Vomits words on paper
She'll regret later

Bottle half empty
Her hands are sweaty
Bottle half full
She drinks another mouthful

She writes and writes
sleeps day and night
She reads and reads
lets her heart bleed

what she has written
is what is forbidden
she writes what she wants
expecting no response

Lost in desperation
She finds inspiration
drifting in the ocean
mind full of commotion

She continues to write
until her chest feels light
then lets her readers figure out
what she's talking about

Look me in the eye
and tell me a story
Don't start to cry
You shouldn't worry

No words need to be spoken
No actions need to be done
We are all broken
Each and every one

Let me see your eyes
Let me look close
You cannot disguise
the plot that you compose

I look in yours
You look in mine
Inside I see the universe
Planets, galaxies and  stars that shine

I see secrets and memories
Knowledge and emotions
I see chaos and peace
Stillness and motion

I see creativity and imagination
Reality all twisted
I see boredom and fascination
My perception of things have shifted

I see talent and passion
interest and hobbies
I see love and compassion
family and priorities

I see beliefs and ethics
morals and history
I see facts and academics
books and their story

I see insecurities and broken hearts
wars and self doubt
I see a collection of your art
And things you never told me about

I break the connection
comprehending what I saw
All the beauty and complexion
Left me in awe

The voices have stopped whispering
They're finally out of my head
Little did I know that they'll be back soon
Well, that's what they said

I look around me
The voices aren't inside me anymore
They're everywhere
Tangible and visible
I try not to care

They're the words I hear and see
They'd do anything to compromise me
I look away and keep their words locked out
They know they can't get in so they surround me with anger and doubt

Their voices were dull but their words were sharp
They've rewritten the words from my lips
They've slithered into my ears and covered my eyes
They've erased my fingertips

I am not me
I no longer own the body I live in
They've drowned me in my own sea
The made me the embodiment of sin
and I want to be free
Only, I know this is not me