And I wanted revenge
something to make you feel
every ounce of pain you put me
through
and now here we are
you're falling apart
and that's when I realized
this isn't
what I wanted

i stared at the empty jar on the kitchen table
that once was full of many things,
valuable things

something that used to be full of worth
now was nothing but a vacant waste of space

it reminded me of myself
and how i used to have so much motivation and worth
but now
im only full of empty nothingness

and oh how i wish someone would come along
and pile some motive into my heart

i contain nothing
i feel nothing
i am nothing

someone make me feel again

i saw a beautiful red rose that sat in a field of wilted weeds
and as time went on
and the weeds grew more and more plentiful
the rose remained the same
just as cheery and red as before

and i was brought to the realization
that it's possible for a something so beautiful to be surrounded by
such insignificance
something with so much life
can exist in the middle of emptiness
although it may seem like everything is dead,
there's always a little hope
always

I told you so,
When I told you you'd lose interest in me,
as quickly as day turns to night,
I knew that you'd walk away,
before your shy feet even turned in my direction,
I told you you'd do it,
before you even did,
because really,
everything good that comes, eventually goes,
and even though I'd prefer if you stayed,
I never hold my hopes up too high,
since I knew you were like a beautiful sunset,
that sooner or later would fade to black

and if you are still the way you have always been, you're the lucky ones because most of us have taken ourselves apart down to the very molecules we are made up of and rearranged them to someone else's liking

and if you are still happy then you're the lucky ones, because most of us are so depressed we are willing to lather our stomachs in alcohol and burn our throats with smoke for fun, or to forget that person who made us feel like we were sitting in a haystack of needles, stabbing and wounding every inch of our skin

and if you still strive for your highest hopes and dreams, then you're the luckiest ones, because most of us settle for less, and only climb the ladder until we think we have reached the top

and if you're in love, you really are the luckiest of all, because we are all mostly bitter over those we have lost, thinking we are unable to find someone that will bring us the same happiness that the other person used to bring

if only emotional abuse scarred my skin the way physical abuse did, because maybe then you'd see that your words and your demeanor are the reason why you say i have issues with channeling my anger
maybe if your screams bludgeoned my skin the way a punch would destroy the filaments under my tender flesh, you'd notice how much you're hurting me
and it scares me that you can't even see what you're doing
it scares me that one day i'll be one scream away from erratically fainting to my demise, falling effortlessly to the floor, heart still beating in my chest and brain activity picking up faster than ever before
it scares me that you're not scared
your words are like knives carving my organs with cynical words
"worthless" is inscribed through the hemispheres of my brain
"damaged" is engraved into my lungs
i can't breathe
and im beginning
to not feel anything
anymore

You were like a drug that I swallowed and let drown my arteries in while you twirled and twisted around making me feel like I was on top of the world and I was so unaware that you were so bad for me, you were killing me softly and had every intention to make me feel like I needed you to be happy, but the truth is I don't need you at all in fact my life has prospered since I stopped overdosing on you and although the temptation may linger every now and then to return to that weak, broken girl in need of your euphoria to keep me on track, I don't need you and I never did.

Apparently everything heals with time
But each passing day
I fall further out of line

For I am sick and tired of this life
That seems to feel the same about me
And I am sick of drowning
In your painful memory

The darkness just never seems to find light
And I repeatedly give up
As my mind and I are having an endless fight

I am sick and tired of trying
I want to escape my mind
These endless thoughts taunt me
And the meaning of my life remains undefined

I look over at you trying to fathom the thought that the one thing I've wanted all my life, you never even asked for
he fell into your arms with his heart already pulsing in your chest, his veins tangled in your fingers, his eyes secured on you infinitely
staring at your lips I remember how easy it is for them to touch his, how his entire body in a way already belongs to you while I'm just internally wishing it was mine instead
my whole life I've never been one to get the things I want, even if I try achingly hard to obtain them
but you, you never tried
and somehow
you have all I want

this is not about you
and I am done writing about you because all you really ever were was 3,000 almosts that never meant anything in the end
I'm not writing about how much I love you anymore but about how much I absolutely loathe your menacing brown eyes that glitter and gleam with fire
I'm not writing about how beautiful you are but how terribly rotten you are
to the very core
I'm not writing anything about you anymore at all because that is exactly what you want from me
I feed your ego
you never loved me
you just loved the
attention
and this is not about you.

You always tell me the name of your favorite book
Yet the next month you tell me of the one you've read that you like one hundred times better
You've told me your favorite color
But once your eyes have rested upon a new one,
Your favorite color alters to the one you find more appealing
You always listen to your favorite song
But by now you've played on repeat at least hundreds of different "favorite" songs of yours
This is why I'm scared when you call me your favorite
And I constantly fear that when someone better crosses your path
I will be tossed over your shoulder like a piece of trash
And forgotten for eternity

hot blood, red cheeks, burnt lips, and smoke incapacitating my lungs, i heave through the fire in my home
clouded judgement, feelings of hopelessness, i run through my home to find a place where i can feel safe to open my eyes
a place where my lungs are free to experience breath without tentative hesitance, where my senses are in allignment
i search for hydration, for a holistic cleansing of the soul, for a second chance to reclaim this home i have been so careless in
when i finally see myself
my sense of sight funnels in and out
has my skin always looked like this?
who let me destroy my home?
there is nothing to put out the fire
my skin revolts against my bone as my pulse laryngeally stabs me in protest of my reluctance to acknowledge the pain
i am ready to give into the flames, to be a soul of light
to transcend the blazing in my heart, in my veins, in my brainwaves, to go through this life, with open, kindled eyes, a fiery spirit
lungs of feathers
making it obvious that i have scars,
because every aspect of my being,
burns.

Here's to you
and the days when it feels as though
the whole world is against you.
Here's to the times when they told you, you couldn't do it,
and you proved them wrong.
Here's to the nights where you collapsed and cried,
because you needed an emotional release.
Here's to that test you pulled an all-nighter for, and aced
To the days you would do anything to not go to school, but took all of your existing energy and did anyway.
Here's to all of those things, because they are what make you as
strong as you are now
Don't give up
Ever

here i am, three months later still perpetually oxygenating the suffocated fantasy that one day i will see you again and my heart will remember how to pulse, my hands will remember how to hold, and you will somehow love me again

here i am, three months later spoon-feeding lies to my hungry brain, telling it "he will come back" spilling fraudulent words into my impressionable mind
"maybe he misses you too"
"it will all make sense in time"
"keep your head up, and remember you're strong enough to get through this"

here i am with a mind that fully believes you came into my life for a reason yet somewhere beneath those strongly wired thoughts, though i have no control over it, is the lingering pessimist that whispers in my ear when i'm sleeping at night, dreaming about the grace of your skin against mine
"he never loved you"
but it wasn't until this moment right now that, that pessimist has been truly heard

because i'm still here
after three, exhausting months, arms weak from reaching out for your grasp, lungs collapsed from all the dry heaving and half-breaths of missing you, and i'm finally looking at you
but you don't even
see me.

the other day I was approached by a friend when she asked
"what happened to you?"
and my mind just panicked as if I was holding in some sort of mysterious secret that I couldn't allow anyone to know and all I could do was stare blankly
following this question my frail body stormed to look in the mirror as I wondered why I don't see certain things anymore
I constantly think about where those pieces of myself drifted off to so I just could not answer her
God, why couldn't I just tell her how I feel like I can see that girl standing directly ahead of me and I'm reaching out to her with open arms inviting her into my embrace but she does not want to be held any longer because she no longer likes affection shes cold  and shes still afraid to be grasped by any sort of warm touch
why didn't I have the stomach to tell her that that girl standing in front of
me is not willing to spring joyfully back to her creator as she does not have the physical capabilities she used to
do you see her?
am I the only one who can see?
the tendons in her legs are diminished and she can not even fully draw open her eyes
and she cannot see me
she is losing
she is losing
she is losing
she is dead.

i've always wondered why she couldn't see what i see
everyone talks of her impeccable beauty

yet she stares in the mirror for minutes upon hours
and looks at her reflection with disgust as she steps out of the shower

i dont understand, someone please explain
how someone so beautiful can carry so much pain

a person who is seemingly perfect in every way
feels so worthless every hour in every day

and i hope you will one day love yourself
and i hope you will stop placing yourself on the lowest shelf

i hope one day you will look at your reflection and say
"I like who I am in every single way"

i wonder if you knew that with every sly compliment you give to me so willingly causes my heart to drop straight into my stomach
and i wonder if you knew that kissing her with more passion than i know you will ever give to me makes my veins knot together in complete and utter destruction, would you still kiss her the same?
would you even care at all?
if you were completely aware that you were slowly killing my insides little by little, would you still be whispering your words into her lips and stroking her thighs, or would you sympathize for leading me straight off a cliff?
if i told you how i felt, would you tell me that you feel the same? or would you regret ever even knowing
my
name
so i guess you'll never know
and will always have to wonder

if I tie your wrists to the arms of a chair, until your fingers turn purple and muscles tense up for lack of circulation, your limbs incapable of movement, your body no longer under your control, do you think I could match the pain you made me feel when you decided my body belonged to you?
If I lock you in a jail cell, seven feet by two, key between my palms scraping against my flesh, blood dripping from my open tissue because somehow you still hurt me even when you can't touch me, do you think then maybe I could escape from thoughts of you breaking free, able to invade me again?
if I drown your eyes in hydrochloric acid, would the color burn away like the way you stole the color in mine? Like the way you stole the colors from my life?
I can only see in meaningless shades of grey, for the rare moments I actually choose to open my eyes

when you slid your tongue down my torso and bit into my skin with your carnivorous incisors to write your name
when you penetrated my soul with an uninvited spirit to shift mine out of the way
when you decided I was no longer inside of my body, for I had to make room for you
you forgot to bury my mangled corpse and
you left me to the ground to be fed on by the animals with blood on their breath
and I'm running out of meat

as a kid there were so many things I perceived as dangerous, like getting into cars with strangers or stepping over railroad tracks while the train was approaching
I used to think danger meant my life was being threatened or I was potentially going to be hurt physically, but as a kid I never ever Wouldve thought danger could be looking into someone's eyes and simultaneously feeling my heart beat twelve times faster than usual
Your very presence is dangerous to me
the freckles across your pale skin spell Stop And your tattoos look a lot like caution signs
the first time I met you was like one big red flag shouting at me to turn around and walk away
danger isn't just keeping the door unlocked at night or stepping on a thumb tack, danger is looking at them and knowing you're going to get hurt but refusing to walk away
danger is falsely believing so intensely that they love you, too
when they make it so blatantly obvious
that they don't

the truth is I don't find comfort in looking into your eyes and not feeling weak in the knees, it feels so good to finally feel something other than pain and regret. although my mind and my heart may be in a constant quarrel between " I can't love you" and "I can't not love you" i believe that loving you is inevitable. it can't possibly be my fault that your chocolatey eyes pierce my soul and there's no way I can help the fact that your happiness alone is enough to make my day. maybe this is just my role in society to play, maybe right now I just happen to be the girl who loved a little too much, and im not sure that I know exactly what that means for me or how it will devolve, but there's one thing I am sure of. I am sure that your ghost will live within the depths of my heart for a long time. maybe one day I will be more than just the girl who loves too much, maybe I'll be the girl who was loved just a little too much, by you.

i remember watching the people around me, fascinated by their stillness

no matter how loud and vast my thoughts were
everyone would remain unchanged
my thoughts would swirl around the room like a snowstorm, getting tangled in hair and caught upon eyelashes in intricate tiny crystals
my thoughts would make the hair on their arms stand like a nostalgic ghost, like a deadly spirit
my thoughts would rain down on others, soaking them in unidentifiable feelings of uneasiness
my thoughts would nudge their shoulders like invisible children

my thoughts would never solidify
and no one could see
they could only feel the density of the air thicken as my head would swell to the size of the room, trapping all bystanders in my engorged mind
stuck in a nameless world of confusion
an endless orb of fantasy and illusion
unsure of the conclusion
i watched, as my thoughts filled the room full of oblivious people
bouncing off the walls and flying over heads, staining the carpets
but who was watching me?

YOU STUCK THORNS IN MY HEART AND SPEARS THROUGH MY HEAD AND YOU STILL HAD THE NERVE TO STOMP ON MY FEET AND ACT LIKE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS IN PAIN WHILE I STOOD HERE GASPING FOR AIR AND BLEEDING RIVERS THROUGH MY CHEST

Pink roses stained with the red of my blood lye on the ground in front of me and I wonder how you took something so beautiful and used it so selfishly to destroy and bludgeon me until my flesh was tattooed with purples blacks and blues and I continue to beat myself up for not seeing it coming because I knew your soft gentle smile hid ulterior motives so I force myself to pluck every beautiful intricate petal from the rose seeping with blood until I have forgotten how badly you've hurt me

I guess I shouldn't have expected you to cradle me in your loving arms and hold all of the pieces of me together and I guess I shouldn't have put so much faith in you considering every time I have you've let me down
oh but no it's not your fault, I should've known
please at least whisper to me with your beautiful lullabies until I fall asleep
then afterwards do not hesitate to leave me alone
you don't have to hold me
I don't want you to cradle me
and I do not want you to feel bad for me
there is no use just please sit here until I finally fall into a deep everlasting slumber but before i do I want you to know that my heart will beat your name until my eyes finally shut and even after i fall asleep my fingers will routinely trace the letters of your name onto my skin

you kissed me and all i could think was i can’t believe the universe finally brought me back into your arms, your face shifted into a phrase and your eyes morphed into LED lights displaying the words “i’m in love with you” over and over like a conveyer belt of my introspection
you asked “why do you keep looking at me like that?” and i replied with an enigmatic giggle,
i remember thinking to myself “how could i not?”
lying next to you the only thoughts transmitted through the waves in my brain were lines of poems written with words i didn’t even know i knew, words that fully illustrated the beautiful way your head caressed the pillow and your eyelashes tickled my cheeks, the way the moment felt like an everlasting, indestructible photograph
i couldn’t believe it, i still can’t fathom i was lucky enough to float down from the clouds i laid on, hoping for a second chance, an escape from the perpetual wishing and wanting to stand on the ground next to you
i’m looking at you, and although i could never gather these thoughts with enough durability to communicate them to you whole-heartedly, and without them shattering from my lips, fracturing each letter, and smashing the essence
these pages will remember how i felt about you forever

my whole life I've been awaiting one special moment to dramatically shift everything and anything to permanently good
I await for summer, hoping the glum months of December and January glide as fast as possible into the cheerful months of June and July
but as quick as the months stroll by, and the warm months finally arrive, nothing's changed and unfortunately I'm still as unhappy as before
I await for adulthood, thinking I must feel this way since teenage years were never really meant to be a great time in anyone's life
but adulthood will come and I'll be the same lost teenager except folded up inside some lost adult's scathed body
and I'm still waiting
because all I've ever been told is how it always gets better
and how the longer i wait, the closer i am to something i would've missed out on if i hadn't waited
but it's been so painfully long that I don't believe I'm missing out on much anymore
so please just tell me
I'm closer than I think

"you're so, innocent"*, he said to me, eyes widening, soul opening, gritting his teeth letting this word take over my entire body, my body that would now belong to him, withholding his fingerprints like scratches on a penny
i absorbed his sentence and deflected it back out into the universe, for i never really considered myself as such, innocent.
what does it mean to be innocent, why did it excite him so much? was it my lack of experience? was it because he had never encountered someone with such purity in their heart? had he never touched the soul of someone who was comprised of mostly good intentions?
i realized his excitement really was just masking fear. he was afraid of me. if i wasn't using him, i was good. if i was good, i mattered. i don't think he had every considered the fact that a woman he was investing time with could matter. i don't think he was the type of person who wanted to care. so to fold up the fear like origami, and shape it into a facade, he began to express aggression. he was mean. i could not understand this. if i was so innocent, why was he trying to take this away from me? was the concept of my good character making him angry? i remember looking into his greenish eyes and feeling smoke in my lungs. my body polluted by his piercing stare, and i watched as his soul arose out of his shell, like fumes and dissipated into the air around me. the anger then turned to tiredness. i watched him sleep and i wondered if it could even be called that. i had never in my life seen someone in such deep, emotional pain that even when their body is resting their face is stiff and fragile as if he had been resting their his entire life, accumulating dust, hardening the cracks of his smile, cementing his ligaments until the possibilities of him standing again were not even questionable.
watching him, i thought about this innocence he described, and about how he was almost envious of it, how he wanted that for himself and somehow knew that he once owned that quality but somewhere along the lines of a wrong left turn or a path not chosen he had lost it. what he didn't know was that it was still there.
don't get me wrong, i had never met such a cold person in my entire life, but at the same time, he was like fire.
i rolled over next to him, holding his arms, comforting his sleeping body in hopes of him somehow regaining consciousness and becoming aware that he does not have to be so guarded, so cold, and so afraid of being vulnerable. i hoped he'd find the warmth he already has, but i too was tired, so i closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

i see the world through welded steel bars that fence around my body, masking armor, but realistically locking my free spirit inside the walls of flesh that make up my being
i walk around, bewildered to see other miraculous women of all ages, races, and orientations trapped behind the same impenetrable incarceration, trudging along sidewalks, tendons diminishing in their knees as the metal jail cells they live in is a weight incapable of being lifted with ease
i clang on the bars with a metal can, i am soothed by the sound of my own imprisonment, i am lulled to sleep by vibrations of the vague oppression encrusted into the cell of my cells
i have not thought to cry, i have not thought to fight, for i have no idea where tears could possibly find their way down from, their inexistence is almost certain to me
i see the world through welded steel bars, that close in tighter with every aortic pulse, with every respiratory heave
you may be thinking at least you can still see, which is true, yes, i am so glad to be able to see
i only wish, i could see more

looking dead into my eyes you told me how beautiful i was
you leaned over as if you were going to whisper into my ear but instead you shouted and ruptured my eardrums
i cannot hear
like a naive, excited little puppy you held a treat out in front of my patient eyes filled with life and you threw it into my mouth but before i could even taste the essence of your flavour you pulled it from between my wet, hungry lips
because you realized you wanted it all for yourself
i am so happy you finally know what you want
but you knew what i wanted
and you took it all away from me

Dear future me,

Please tell me you're happy, because that is all I want to know and please tell me the sound of his name does not still cause your heart to skip a beat, tell me you have finally dug yourself out of the gaping hole you fell into the first time you looked into his eyes, you're strong enough to climb out, even though you might not think so. Remember you're important too, because you always seem to forget that. and if your hands are still painting his phone number across your ribcage, wondering what the first signs of trouble are, then you need to understand that every tattoo is capable of being removed at some point and while it may hurt like hell to breathe sometimes, I believe that you are so much stronger than you think. who cares if it feels like it was all for nothing and who cares if you're starting to hurt more than you thought was humanly possible, you can not let one person ruin you, you will not let this ruin you, and although it may seem unbearable, this too will pass.

I am so afraid to wake up every morning and I am so afraid of the unknown because the possibilities of what can happen in between a small twenty-four hour period terrifies me
and this is why I am so afraid to get to know you because I am almost certain once I do I will fall for you harder than I've ever fallen before
and I am almost certain that eventually I will have to recover from that fall
I have just lost so many that I am afraid to lose any more
I don't want to have to put myself together after someone leaves again
I am just so afraid of loss
and I think it's because I've lost something so long ago that I still can't seem to find,
myself
where did I go?
where will you go?

i dont understand why im changing, why everything else seems to mean nothing to me, but at the same time i know exactly why
i know its you
its you its you its you its always been
you
i want to get better, oh god how i long to recover from falling so hard and creating a compound wound within the vessels of my already broken heart
at the same time, feeling suffocated by false hope is almost comforting
what else could i possibly keep hope for?
and i know you dont feel the same or at least youll never feel it like i do
but i will always feel the same
no matter how hard it hurts to constantly an relentlessly feel the same
i can't help but hold you captive in my heart
forever

no longer have I been uncomfortable with blending into the monotony of society as I've become substantially content in the concept of simply blending in, because when you're unattached and invisible in a world where things seem to matter so much, everything doesn't seem to matter, at all
if I am no longer noticeable I save so much time from being noticed by insignificant potential lovers that claim to be infatuated with my every attribute and characteristic, and it saves myself from believing those lies that set me on a useless love quest
in reality, does anything really matter?
why do I have to feel such strong emotions that I never wanted to feel in the first place?
what is so wrong with wanting to put a stop to all nonsense ringing in my head by just simply disconnecting?
however much I would like to be able to have the willpower to actually detach myself from those around me, I cannot.
oh how I'd love to be able to just simply forget you
but I can't, because you're everywhere
and I'm nowhere

i just wish i could find the right words
the perfect sentences
to explain how worthless you make me feel

and i wish you could understand
why im still unhappy

and i wish you could understand
its because of you.

remember that time when you were eight at the beach, having so much fun tripping over the waves of brine and all of the sudden you were interrupted by one huge, everlasting upsurge that swept you underneath it, leaving you gasping for air and filling your lungs with its acidic solution
and then you tried to get up but then another wave crashed on you
and another
and another
and all of a sudden your whole universe isn't even recognizable, your eyes fill with sand and you can barely grasp the world around you as it slurs into an aquatic disaster
i think that feeling is exactly what it feels like to live in this world as an adapting sentient human being
i think that once you really get hit with that one, huge obstacle, you just get hit with another,
and another ,
and another
until you're forced to question why you even feel the need to get past it in the first place
why not just sink
why keep fighting to stand up again why is it important that i revive my suffocating lungs why can't i sit until my body absorbs all the water, shriveling my skin from my fingertips to my toes
i want to lay here
harmoniously flowing through corrupted waves
no longer learning how to swim
but how to peacefully and tranquilly
drown

I thought you were watching me all this time
Secretly devoting your minutes to me, dying to know how I felt about you, dying in general
Able to feel the skin physically peel upwards off your nimble fingers, as you try to scrape my name off your phone screen, analyzing every word my shattered mind had exerted through cold plastic keys
I thought your drunk thoughts were always spinning towards untouched feelings for me and unreleased emotions
I thought I was everything to you all because you were everything
to me
But I'm not anything
And this world isn't existent
If it doesn't exist with you

You were like a tree
tall, growing, and branching off into new groups and opportunities
And I,
I was the fallen apple,
laying only to deteriorate
and rot on the cold ground that surrounds you and all your glory,
and I wondered if when
you see me
you sympathize for my decaying,
and I wonder if you aspire for me to once again be apart of your
twisted branches
or is your rough bark too thick,
and your long branches to long
for you to see me falling apart
The apple lies now,
happy it's old companion is changing into such a beautiful tree
but maybe one day
the apple will be red with life again,
while the tree is cut down
to the ground

"I love you"
the words came out of your mouth so very effortlessly like water trickling down a window during a storm and I wondered if you've said those words a million times before
I was questioning if you just said them because you felt you had to or if you really truly meant them because we all know you were never good at expressing the way you feel
and if you really did mean it then why do you look at me as if I'm two thousand miles away when I'm standing inches from you and why do you stutter every time you try to formulate sentences on your thoughts of me
I know it's been a while but I still wonder if you feel anything and i wonder if you wonder
I thought you loved me but you never looked at me the way you look at her
"I love you"
you said to her, so very effortlessly like water trickling down a window during a storm

a year ago I was so certain that the devotion I put into you was simply a phase, a distraction, something that I'd forget about once someone more intriguing came around

a year ago I thought the feelings you gave me were insignificant nothings that I only felt because I had nothing else left to feel

a year ago, brown eyes were so dull to me, and now I feel as though I am swimming in an overflow of luminous liquid copper any time you happen to step into my peripheral vision

it's been a year, and I can't breathe anymore
you're all I seem to know

when i think of us together

i used to picture us standing side by side, fingers interlocked as the train approaches forcing us to let go but only for a second to allow you to step on but just as i am about to follow you up, the door closes, and you look at me through a foggy, fingerprint encrusted window mouthing the word "goodbye" over and over until the train is no longer in sight as i watch your pink lips and fair skin disappear

but now when i think of us i see you standing on a solid white line, fifty or so feet away from me whilst progressively getting further and I'm trying to run towards you but the line just keeps extending and no matter how fast i try to run you're still too far to reach
you're fading and it terrifies me because now i'm standing on that white line completely still, in place and intact, turned the complete opposite direction from you and now that i'm looking forward, no longer dwelling on the past, i can see someone else approaching
i don't want to get hurt again
but time goes on and doesn't stop even for the pauses in my heart rate and the frozen mess of my mind
it's been so much time
and i've wasted so much time that i think somewhere inside the streams of saltwater staining the books by my nightstand,
i've forgotten you

(the next time i try to convince myself that i miss you, maybe i'll start asking why?)

the first time you broke my heart felt like every molecule in my body had been shaken like a carbonated drink inside a plastic bottle, containing the catastrophe and sheltering the insanity as if it were a home. i could not let anyone know how close i was to exploding, i could not be weak.
i walked around daily, replaying memories we had against the backs of my eyelids like a projector against a cement wall
i played it over and over until my stomach overflowed with churning bile, wanting to eject the inauthenticity of nostalgia
while watching i would try to make meaning of the dialogue, and you, being it’s main featured character
i made you out to be the hero but you were the villain, you destroyed the plot, you slaughtered the character’s lives, yet you were such a deceivingly good actor
have you ever heard something so many times that you started to go insane?
words can hit you so hard they start to feel like they’ve been carved into your brain, able to be sounded like keys on an everlasting piano, one note insisting for another to play along with it
but you’re not a song that i want to listen to anymore

the second time you broke my heart, i had it coming
i told myself this was it
every time i watched you blink i watched the doors to your soul close
have you ever let anyone in?
every kiss enabled another voice in my head telling me goodbye
but the best part about me letting you into my heart for a second time was that it didn’t really break
what i thought was my chest ripping open, withdrawing blood vessels and vitals, was really the nerves in my body connecting again, i can feel again
i can feel again
i am healing and here months later,
stitched up and intact
you can’t hurt me anymore

why does nothing work out in the end my life continues to crumble as time goes on and i can’t seem to get it together again
i can feel it bubbling inside me ready to explode, but it never does it just accumulates more and more but who knows maybe one day it will explode and i don’t know how or when all i know is i hope when it does i will finally be set free in some way and i hope the pain will be demolished along the way because honestly i can’t take it anymore, it’s deafening, it keeps me up all night, it makes me want to retreat from the world, and oh god i think i’m starting to.
i need someone but no one needs me, i think i’m lonely but i just don’t really know what i am anymore

I don't understand you and how you've managed to scoop up every last bit of my being and sign it with your name in permanent ink, it's like I'm your property, like I'm something you bought years ago and used to love but now you just leave me to rest on a your shelf of forgotten toys and treasures. I still love you and I shouldn't but I do because at the end of the day you're the only one I think I ever did love. I loathe you for making me love you because it isn't fair for you to make me feel like I'm all you've ever dreamed about and then as dawn fades to dust I'm a huge mound of nothingness to you. I wish I could stop feeling this way but I still want to be yours like I was back then

I saw you yesterday for the first time in months and oh god your eyes still shine with the same glitter and your smile is still as lively as ever and I never exactly pictured us speaking again but oh my god do I hope you could see the way my face lit up when you peaked around the corner

I’ve always found it incredibly strange how a group of people at some point in time came up with a plethora of words used to communicate exact thoughts and statements between people yet most of the time I choose not to use them
what I really want to say is always left unsaid
everything I feel, every way I feel about you is left drifting through the air, never to be touched by another human being
and you’ll never know
I’ll never know so many things because I’m too afraid to say them
but maybe no matter what I say
there will always be something unspoken between us
so I’ll just let you know some other time

what does it mean
what is the world forcing itself to tell me as my heart cracks into trillions of little pieces of muscle
and where is the meaning?
what does it mean to feel like where you really belong is not in this world, not in this body, what does it mean when you feel like your entire existence is something someone created out of acting on destructive intentions
i cant find it
i cant find where i am supposed to be
i cant find what i am supposed to feel
i cant understand why someone would have to be this way
tell me where it is that i can find
what it all means?

When most people saw her they
thought of her as a strong
put together individual.
What she saw was an unfinished puzzle
A few pieces are lost, some broken
She fears that the pieces will never be found,
and she will never be perfect
In fact, she's far from it
And the puzzle lies undone
wondering who will find her missing pieces

I can't seem to scrub your blood off my skin as its essence never seems to rub off, my hands are forever guilty of hurting you, I am forever guilty of hurting you and I tried to bandage you countless times but your bones are still broken and your body still aches and I am so sorry for making you feel weak but the truth is when those bones heal you will be ten times stronger than I will ever be

i am not that girl
what i mean is i am not that girl for you
i am not the girl that has to continuously giggle into her palms instead of telling you how she really feels, leading you on and fully engaging into the game you play so disturbingly well
i am not the girl who could willingly grasp your hand on a beach in the summer, reminding everyone, including you of how much i genuinely love you, knowing oh so subconsciously that the love i feel is completely unrequited
and i am not the girl who could roll over next to you in bed on a groggy Sunday morning just to look into your stone-cold eyes and say

'i will love you forever'

i am not that girl
what i mean is i am not that girl for you, and i can never be
because in ten years
when you reach your everlasting adult arms towards the blue sky wondering why i am no longer in your life i want you know that everything we had was never real
and i was never truly capable of whole-heardedly loving you

and i am not that girl
at least not anymore