I will never be victorious over this relentless battle that has consumed me like a black hole and I swear to god I can not escape, and don't tell me I'm not trying because I haven't tried so hard to overcome something in my entire life, I will never be content, and I will never win because once I think I'm close to the end I crash and I burn and I ache and i go right back to where I started feeling worse than before. I need YOU to assist me through this and I need YOU to stand by me no matter what happens because I can't fight this alone anymore I need help, I'm asking for help, please somebody save me

Sometimes it isn't what you say that hurts, it's what you don't say. You never ask how I am, you never bother to question why my flushed red cheeks have faded to dull purply undertones, and you never cared enough or tried hard enough to help support me in regaining consciousness as my life around me blurs and slurs into a transparent orb of blacks and blues, and i just need you to know that I need someone but you never even asked me if I did to begin with

everyday i wake up, stare at the inside of my eyelids and search for a feeble reason to scrape open my tired eyes, get out of bed, and start yet another day, alive.
i always find myself searching for reasons of why i am alive, and why i should continue to be, trying to numb the stinging in my chest from the ***** that fails to pump blood through my arteries at times, battered and worn out
im looking im looking i've spent my entire existence looking for something that doesnt even ******* exist
and i hate searching for these meaningless answers because i am so disgustingly aware we are all trying to find them and i hate the idea that i am living my life just as every other human being is
even my pain is unoriginal
i sit in my room and i write poetry on my laptop, not trying to make sense of the world but just trying to unfold my tangled mind that does not seem to understand any information being inputted inside of it on a day to day basis
i sit in my room writing about a world that doesn't even deserve to be written about
the world is a mess and the world is selfish and i don't know how things used to be but i know as of right now the sun doesn't shine, it burns with hellfire and seems to radiate waves of hate down upon the biosphere, burning and scathing the flesh of worthless creatures attempting to live undominated, "happy" and "successful" lives
the wind doesn't blow beautifully through my hair, the wind blows in an attempt to push me off a cliff, to guide me towards my own self-destruction and to remind me of how easily things can fall apart
see the world is not beautiful
the world just exists
any kind of meaning i am trying to establish in my writing is just a lie, there isn't a single aspect to this life that naturally means something and after all this time i continue to spill empty words onto a blank screen hoping it will fill the area in my chest that lacks substance, but my heart continues to bleed
my brain is deteriorating and i can't feel anything anymore

I’ve too long engaged in the detrimental habit of searching for a man to complete me. though not completely uprisen to consciousness, it seemed as though i had this illogical desire to have a man who could hold me, as if the contents of my being were too much for myself to handle, as if i were in need of my preferred *** to grasp my supple skin fragments in their hands in efforts of assuring that the parts of me that i could not support would not fall to the ground and shatter like crystallized water droplets
i am immersed in a sexuo-economic society that constantly perpetuates the myth that a woman is a product of a man, woman has what the man can give to her and is nothing without the nurture and tender care a man is able to provide for her. man is happiness for the woman, man is prosperity for the woman, man is a woman’s confidence, man is her beauty, man is her life, for woman has none for her own
it is now that i have realized after searching for so long for someone to “love” me, for someone to look into my eye and drop to their knees in pure adoration, it is now that i realize when man is gone, who am i? i am my own. i am no one’s possession.
the thought itself was liberating to know that my existence depends on no other being but my own so i said it over and over, i am my own, i am my own, ****** i am mine an nobody else’s
i began to yell at the sky telling it that it lied when it was raining that night and tried to convince me that i was miserable and trapped in a world that did not appreciate me, just because it was melancholy and gloomy itself
an epiphany in that moment ; he did not matter to me. it was his very touch, the softness to his lips, the scratch of the hair on his chin, the desperation in his voice, that ran through my veins like a narcotic
once he was gone, i was alone, i thought i was losing my identity but it was in that moment that i started to become who i really was
i realized how many other women go through the same things i do, ignorantly believing that their life is dependent upon a man
how horrible it is to live in a constant state of delusion, believing ***-attraction could provide happiness for myself eternally, as if happiness was not able to reached within me already but rather hidden in the palms of the opposite ***
but you couldn’t understand that
no one could understand
so i told you, goodbye

i dreamt that I tasted honey on your lips and encompassed your veins with my fingertips
an eyelash fell entrancingly down on your flushed pink cheek
"Make a wish"
I kissed it off your face as you closed your eyes, inhaling the universe into your lungs
your eyelids like pillows providing comfort for your gentle visceral organs
I didn't ask what it was you wished for
you held my body so tenderly and soft
your imaginary touch put me into such a deeper realm of sleep
I woke up with the color of your eyes  staining my carpets, my sheets, the glass of water by my nightstand
the way the sun was shining that morning, I had to smile to myself
It made me wonder
If maybe that was what you wished for

i wonder if the stains on your sheets remember me
i wonder if the cells that make up the skin covering your soft lips died into thin cracked dust, because they couldn't rejoice with mine again
i wonder if the strands of your silky blonde hair fell off your head from the lost heat my hands used to provide them
i wonder if your eyes permanently dimmed once i left, because i was once their light
i wonder if your heart shivers knowing the fire in it has burned out
i wonder if your body remembers love
i wonder if what we had even was love
i wonder
i wonder
i wonder
but i will never know

You gave me the title
but forgot to fill the pages
so how am I supposed to use
evidence from the text to explain my answer
if all I was given was a short
fragment
to barely satisfy my crave for answers
and if all you told me was a vague,
lifeless group of words
Then how am I supposed to know if the answer I chose,
is the right one?

January: I watched you slick back your hair when nobody was watching, and smile at the ground as she walked by. I wonder if you do that for every pretty face you see

February: You looked at me today and I don't know if it was on purpose but I thought about you that entire day

March: I want to know you, but I don't think you feel the same. So I'll just sit quietly over here echoing your name, maybe this time you'll listen

April: they told me you said you love me, I don't know if I believe them. You look at me like I'm thousands of miles away when I'm standing right next to you, do you mean to do that?

May: You told me you felt like you've known me for an eternity, is that why it was so easy for you to leave me without warning?

June: you remind me of blood loss, and it looks like you like to hurt, I don't understand you.

July:

August: I still feel your presence in my house but I know you're not there and you never will be.

September: I met someone new today and I think I like him but it might just be because i saw you in his eyes.

October: he told me I'm his everything and I told him I feel the same way

November: he held my hand and whispered sweet lies into my ear, and I pretended they were coming from you.

December: the weather is cold and bitter and it reminds me of how it felt when you left me. Do you remember when you left me? Do you even think of me?

don't tell me I'm loved
because all you've ever known about me is what I allow you to know, you're assuming people love me because you can't comprehend the fact that a person could very we'll be unloved since you yourself have only known the state of adoration and enamoredness
don't call me pretty
because you have never dwelled within this rib cage, your home isn't in my heart, and you still haven't gone for a walk through my mind you have never even stared into the depths of my eyes for longer than a tenth of a second
it isn't pretty in there
so it isn't pretty out here
don't call me anything
for that matter

i just wish you could see it
i wish you could understand my thoughts, my mind, my emotions

i wish you could see how life has drained from my body
how my worth is at an all-time low

i've broken into a thousand pieces that i can't put back together alone
i've shattered, and i don't know if the shards can be fixed

i need you
i need you
i need someone

i just wish you could notice how unhappy i truly am

I swear to god I have been digging a tunnel inside my body since my very first day on earth searching for things like personal interests and self-love, things like happiness and creativity, the few things in which separate humans from each other, things that make it known that we are ourselves and no one else, but I’ve been searching for my
whole
life
looking for what makes me who I am
looking for what separates me from every other teenager figuring themselves out as well
but what if there’s nothing to find
what if it’s all for nothing
because I have no idea who I am
and I think I’ll I feel this way for the rest of my life

Dear one,
you were exactly what i thought i needed in order to survive happily. You even had me so convinced that you were the only person i will ever have loved, but now i think you were just some feeble 14 year-old-girl distraction. That's all you really were, a distraction, nothing more, nothing less, and just like any other distraction it was incredibly hard to snap out of, but you were exactly what i needed to guide me back to reality again. You taught me the painful meaning to the word almost. I almost loved you, i really did.
Dear two,
you  were what made my mind go mad and i still have so much trouble comprehending why you tried so hard to act like you loved me when you really never did, or maybe i just can not comprehend why i believed you ever could in the first place. you are a psychopath hidden behind soft smiles and infectious giggles and i almost hated myself to falling for your little tricks. If there is one person in the world who was able to make me feel sickeningly vulnerable, you'd win that award, two. You never believed me when i said i genuinely wanted to be with you and maybe i didn't, but i sure as hell wouldn't have spent so much time on you if i knew you'd destroy every living part of me like you did. perhaps you were just a distraction as well. i still suffocate looking into your menacing green eyes and even the thought of you brings my body temperature to arctic degrees. if you were wondering, the blizzard you caused in my heart still swirls and whirls the exact same.
Dear three,
you are what overturned the snow storm in my heart that he caused into a gentle spring and then back into a rejuvenating fall. three, you have somehow woven the broken fragments of my trust in humanity back together into a perfect whole once again. i swear to god we are so powerful together and although i wish i could be lucky enough to call you mine, maybe that day will come in soon enough time but for now it is such a pleasure to just simply know you. you are so much more than you think you are, three. after all, three is my favorite number.

you remind me of the poem i wrote before i became confident in my writing, the one traced in smudged black-inked scribbles, soaked in tears, lathered in self-doubt that i crumpled up and threw away
and just like that paper lying in a state of disarray, no matter how many stanzas i write that outcompete that one i still see you hiding in the corner reminding me of my mistakes and naivety
i see you and i remember i can pick you up and try to fix you to make you into something that it meaningful to me again but it would be no use because your substance is still there and i cannot make a miracle out of a disaster
i wish i could pick you up and light the words you spoke on fire
i wish you were as temporary as a piece of paper
but you're a million sentences i've written that i'll never understand
you are the words i have not learned
you are the poem i started to write but never finished
you are the mistake i will never forget

But they told me it'll all be okay
they said it gets better
but they forgot to mention
to reach the surface
I'd have to drown first

You couldn't even catch the color of his eyes because they were always centered at the ground, like he was searching for something he'd lost years ago and when he looked up at me to smile I could feel the emptiness dwelling deep within him as it appeared hopelessly broken and I don't think he wanted it to be that way. He looked like the absence of a human, like a walking corpse as his under eyes seemed to be permanently tattooed purple, and I didn't know if he ever noticed his laugh that seemed fractured and hollow like it took every ounce of energy from his body to produce. He was the kind of person you wanted to hold to keep all of the pieces together. The kind of person you couldn't let go

Eventually, it'll all be okay
I'll forget you
and what you did
  Every memory will fade
  From when we were teenagers
  and when we were kids
    You will slip from my mind
    I'll forget it all
    I'll erase you from my brain
    And start to recover from the fall

looking at you feels like I am being brutally bludgeoned to death because all I want is for you to look back at me and instantly feel weak in the knees
I want you to look at me and have your heart physically drop to your stomach and I want you to look at me while praying quietly to yourself that one day I will be yours
I want all these things because it isn't fair for you to make me feel such strong things when you don't feel them yourself
I want it so very badly but I guess the thing I want from you the most is for you to at least
just
look at me

you told me you aren't capable of loving me
you aren't capable of loving anyone
but then you go off and provide her with your own beating heart, you tear out your lungs and diffuse your blood of oxygen in order to let her breathe
then to revive yourself from the torture your body endures in order to keep her up and running you beat my tender skin mercilessly, unaware that it is human skin you're destroying and a child's mind your instilling with harsh memories of pain and desertion
a child's mind who will grow up to be seventeen **** years old, accepting herself as a lower rank on the scale of human worth than those who are prettier than her,
always second priority to those who are worthy of your love
you killed me in a seventeen year long mission to destroy something you destroyed a long time ago
i saw you look at her while she cried, and you could almost feel her pain
a tear actually slid from your eyes, your eyes that you swore to me were never capable of doing such, because it's just "not who you are"
but i know who you are
you're a weak, spineless, emotional wreck, desperate to fulfill prophecies that you were never capable of fulfilling on your own
turns out you are capable of loving someone
but you were right about it not being able to be me

look at her crying
now look at me dying
are you proud of your work?

tell me about what infuriates you until the point that your palms shake and your jaw clenches
tell me about your everyday monotony and what you do in order to escape it
don't tell me something feeble and impermanent like your favorite color
and please don't bother telling me where you are from, instead tell me where you want to go
tell me what you laugh at uncontrollably until your sides ache, tell me everything about yourself until you've reached the very bottom of your being
i want to know what fills your coppery-brown eyes with life when you are having an off day and something was able to paint a smile across your once melancholy, sadness-drenched face
i want to know you
i want to listen to your voice as you talk until there is absolutely nothing else left to say
i want to know you so very badly it's almost destroying me
please let me know you

staring deep into my own reflection i finally remember the reason why my body fights so hard to keep me alive (i weep)
i realize how every ounce of my being still exists, because i am worth so much more than the heartbreak, i am worth more than a perpetual feeling of emptiness dwelling within my ribcage (my blood is rushing, and i'm forgetting how to breathe)
i remember i remember i remember
and i finally know how to deal with my pain (i feel it everywhere, still)
i can mend the fragments of my heart back together and use them to better myself in every possible aspect there is to improve (i think it broke again)

this is just a story,
a reconstructed lie,
i am falling apart, forgetting my existence,
i am not here
and it's your fault (but i will be okay.)

5:07pm
Don't even look at the name of this text just know that someone is out here with burns in her heart and you caused all of them

6:47pm
Just know that for some reason I still think of you all the ******* time and it's disgusting I want you to leave me alone

7:52pm
I've never felt so weak

8:23pm
I keep telling myself grow up and get over it, get out of bed and move the hell on but I've been saying it so much now that I don't feel ******* anything anymore and when I do it's only because I have you inside my head to help me feel

10:50pm
You're the only thing left that I know and I don't know when that started but I can't find anything joyful if it doesn't somehow tie to you

11:06pm
You're haunting me it's terrifying

12:01 am
I always thought ghosts and demons were scary but your haunting is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum

4:00am
You scare me, how the hell are you everywhere?

6:00am
Get out of my head

I hate loving you so much because it's like grasping onto a hot coal without ever releasing it and I see the way you look into her eyes as if she's the only lovely thing you've seen in your entire life so I just keep burning my palms with this stone because I can not let it go and keep the flaming sensation to myself
  I think the worst part about loving you is the fact that I swear to god you've seen the open-flesh wounds from the burns but you choose not to see it and return to loving her
  no, the worst part about loving you is that you will never, ever love me too
please try to notice the way my knees tremble and my body becomes weak every time you walk towards me
please

Like a rose you were breathtaking but also like a rose you pricked me with your thorns that unpredictably grew on your stem
Like the ever expansive night sky you were beautiful but also like the sky you struck me with your thunderbolts and shocked my body altering me and the way I am for my entire life
But I figured if you pierced me with your thorns enough they wouldn't be as sharp anymore and I thought that if you impaled my body with enough bolts of electricity that the storm would blow over and reveal the beautiful sky once again
And now that you're gone I've realized the only way to stop getting pricked is to isolate myself from your thorns and to escape the lightening I would have to stay inside away from the storm

Tell them the story of how we met
And how everyday at six
We'd sit together to watch the sunset

Tell them the story of how I loved you
And oh how I'd melt at your pale blue eyes
That stared into mine and mine stared into your's too

Tell them the story of your heart-wrenching words
That would would file into my lungs
And play a song in my head like the soft hum of spring's birds

Tell them the story of how I gave you everything I had
The small amount of energy that was left in me, I handed to you
Leaving me empty, depressed, and sad

Tell them the story of how you simply walked away
Not caring about how I felt
And ending our relationship halfway

Tell them the story of all your rotten lies
That were injected into my veins
And made me feel as though I was lying within the skies

Tell them the story about the girl with the broken heart
That loved the boy with the pale blue eyes
And is now left with empty hands and is falling apart

kiss the blood off of my lips, describe to me what my humanity tastes like
when your hands are around my neck, can you feel that i am human?
after you look me in the eyes, i watch you turn away
you are searching for the soul those eyes were made for, you recognize my soul is a restless wanderer
you will not find me
you cannot taste me
you cannot feel me
but i am still here
i will let you know where i am
when i'm finished looking

I used to feel bad for you, and how your skin was always painted purple and black with bruises that weren't self-inflicted, I almost wanted to absorb some of your pain for myself so that you wouldn't have to feel it as much, but as time has passed and you continue to let people walk all over you like a touristy sidewalk and kick you like a pebble on a road, I realized you like to hurt, you want to hurt, and you want people to sympathize for your hurting, I have had so much trouble comprehending why you gain energy from the way my heart drops watching your tears do the same, and then it hit me, your pain is contagious, like an infectious disease, except you like to spread the illness. You like feeling pain. You like making people feel the way you do, because you can't cure it and you know they won't be able to either

If only I could somehow erase your name that's permanently tattooed to my forehead because whenever I walk around everyone can see it and how I wear you around like a souvenir but I've already departed from the country of you I don't need your souvenir anymore I want to let go but you're still with me everywhere and when I look in the mirror I still see your aching name written across my flesh and I hate that it won't go away no matter how hard I try and I just wish my heart would stop resting on my sleeve for everyone to come and easily obtain because I'm delicate and fragile and I'm trying to extract you from my body and my mind but you just linger on even tighter every time I try

how many stars do you see tonight?
I wish I could make out the constellations
but when I see a glimmer of light in the sky it looks more like an escape route to a better world
If I trace Orion's Belt on my wrists the  aqueous stardust bleeds from my capillaries and I can understand why a universe outside of this one may be a better place for me to reside
I keep tracing my skin with the lens of my telescope to search for planets I have yet to know
Maybe there's a part of me I haven't discovered that will let me know where I'm supposed to be
Maybe I'm not there yet
Maybe I will be soon

I watched as he slicked back her silk-like hair into a french braid, almost like he was weaving himself through the strands, connecting himself to her. I watched with innocent eyes, young eyes, tired eyes, confused eyes, I was only five. At five years old I was able to recognize where I stood on the scale of human worth and I was able to acknowledge the fact that for some unknown reason I, along with me and my two other sisters, were placed below her. She was so high up above me that I couldn’t even look at her. She was pretty. I, however, was not, and I accepted that about myself for years upon years as I lathered cosmetics onto my bruised flesh, hoping the more I applied, the greater the chance was that you might look at me with the same amount of life in your eyes as when you're looking at her. I was set on a seventeen year long self-destructive journey to try to win your love. I was taught that love had to be won, that no matter how much it stung you had to keep that clean and pristine smile on your less than average face, because you weren't to let them know you were hurting.
I wondered if there were others like myself, enduring a relentless identity crisis, trying personalities on like wardrobes. I wondered if it were possible for the pain to be diminished, if it were possible to learn how to breathe again, so I began writing. I wrote my feelings down on paper and somehow they ended up on a poetry website, encountering view after view, like upon like, accumulating feedback from others who shared the same pain I felt.
"You're beautiful," they wrote.
At the time, I didn't understand what they meant by this. No photos of me were posted, how can you measure beauty through words?  I learned that being beautiful meant having minimal flaws, dropping jaws, turning heads. Being beautiful meant being loved, being beautiful meant mattering. I didn't understand, so I started singing.
I sang and let my words exert themselves through melodies, through D-minors and half-broken music notes, I sang, I sang, I sang, and oh God, I couldn't stop.
"You're beautiful," they shouted to me while I was on stage, performing with a fleeting heart that was ready to burst out of my chest and run away, but this time, something was different, I understood.
I knew that she meant I am beautiful in the way that I am, the way that I spill my emotions through my songs like an everlasting ocean, and I knew that she meant I am beautiful in the way that my mind is in a constant state of perplexity.
I looked at her and I saw her face, her pretty face, her face that I longed to have. She had a perfect nose, perfect eyes, perfect lips, perfect complexion, perfect hips. I believed all these things were the key to love, and eternal happiness, I believed they were the ingredients to making me beautiful, but now,
I'd rather have a bent nose, boney hips, bad skin and bad lips, and have someone tell me I'm beautiful, because I knew it meant I was beautiful in the way I loved, laughed, wrote, sang,
Than to have no physical flaws and ignorantly believe that being beautiful in the way that I look, is enough.
So I will keep being beautiful, and not to feed the myth that some day you will love me for me, but because I have finally found what I was made to do, and who I was made to do it for.
I am a girl, inside a song, inside a poem, and I am my own.

i know you are far
and that's okay
because like the moon, i can see your light from galaxies away
i know you're vibrantly glowing, even though it isn't while you're by my side
too often i find myself seeking possession, yearning to hold you, watch you blossom in between my fingers like a flower
but flowers need to grow on their own, only held by the tender soil that surrounds them
you'll know when they're ready to be held
so i'll be here
comforted by thoughts of you growing into the beautiful flower that i already know you are
i'll let you light up the sky for everyone, i'll let you mingle with the stars and the night skies
and if you ever catch me looking up at you,
it's because i'll remember how blessed i am to be able to just see you
even if i'm not with you in the sky anymore
i am with you
i am far, too

escaping through his body fantasizing about the touch of your skin through his scratchy tissue
closing my eyes tighter as I'm kissing him to somehow force his lips to morph into yours
running my fingers through his tangly knots that sprawl across his skull while falsely believing the tighter I pull the more his locks will begin to feel like they belong on your head
brought back to reality as I notice the greenish grey light given out through his eyes that just don't match up with your brown beauty
I pull away remembering I can not find you in someone else and while I may feel like this is the only way I can go on happily knowing you're not mine he does not even compare to your soft touch and it was unfair of me to think I could ever replace someone still stitched into my heart
flowing through my brainwaves and constantly being reflected somewhere behind the chambers of my eye

i was trying to make you love me but i was afraid of trying too hard, and as you disregarded my presence every time we met i realized how pointless your love would actually be to me
you proved yourself unworthy of me the second i discovered your true identity and while the fact that i thought i really did know you at one point may terrify me beyond belief, i am so proud to finally release you from my heart, and bleed you out of my fleeting body
you taught me to not completely give myself away to anyone, and you taught me that while someone may wear a genuinely kind facade, they may be hiding the most cynical, sadist to ever exist
and as i woke up this morning, the sunshine leaked through my blinds, the spring breeze whistled in-between the cracks of the walls, and for the first time in a while,
you were not the first thing on my mind

as i lye on the wrinkled sheets that hug your plushy mattress and your fibrous tissue, i watch as the purple-blue veins vertically lining your forearms branch out, connecting with the arteries in my fingertips, tying in bonded knots and transporting the honey-sweetness of your essence entrancingly with the music in mine

i can feel the soft vibrations from the pulsing of your heart sounding to a beat as delicate as my exhalations that spill out onto your sleeping skin

your lips hold the pitches to my favourite melodies
your eyes have the taste of the most nectarous flower that saturates my stomach with petals and leaves me so full and in my most natural form
i watch as the voice i hear and the skin i touch transforms me into a new being
one unafraid of having a new favourite song
unafraid of the uncertainties of the universe
unafraid of being new
fresh, and new

You're just another footprint imprinted on the ground,
another chapter in my story,
just another drop of rain plummeting towards Earth

and although I'd love for you to be more,
you'll always be the smallest bit of nothing in my life,
and that is why I'm truly unhappy

sometimes I wish I wasn’t cursed with this unquenchable thirst for freedom,
I wish I could lye faithful to a moment rather than daydreaming about what it is next my heart and lungs will sink themselves into, without ever really acknowledging their incessant urges for a steady pulse

There are very few moments I’ve held onto and allowed every element to melt into my being,
as if soluble with breathing skin

I wonder which moments are easier to dissolve in,
which burn and which sting
Which submerge you in feeling, in an everlasting ocean of converging electromagnetic fields

And which seem to be happening in another dimension,
one other than of life,
one in which stagnates and inaudibly negates the concept of time,  
as if it passes right through,
these moments, i know all too well
and yet, its as if I don’t really know them at all

I think sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to live in this world, in this body, standing on these two specific feet, completely aware of what i am and what I used to be
I think it's hard, because we all try so hard to be significant, to escape oblivion, to overcome and win the obstacle of life
we try to live as much as we can, while sometimes along the way getting tangled in time, so knotted up that we have to cut the ends off just to get ourselves back in line
we try to love as hard as we can, sometimes disregarding the wall we've built up around our bodies, forgetting others can't come in if we don't allow them to
we search for life's true meaning, and become impervious to the fact that we do in fact all cease to exist at one point, as we look for the bigger purpose we serve
and I think once we come to the realization that this all could be for nothing, the love we give will eventually be lost, the times we had, disintegrated into thin air, floating around as particles of dust, once we come to the reality that nothing will ever truly make sense, maybe then it will become easier
maybe when life is seen more as a gift, rather than a timer counting down to our final days, that's when it will all make sense
as even when our bodies no longer exist, it's important to remember our souls carry on forever, the essence of our footprints lye on the ground for eternity, and even when the earth eventually comes to an end, the collaboration of all souls will shine bright, leaving behind nothing but hope, and beautiful memories for what once was

to be kissed by him is to be trudging along a sidewalk in the midst of November, alone, cold, searching in the solemn for something to put an abrupt stop to your melancholy, and allow the coldness to heal the hot blood flowing from your open wounds,

a light blue car passes by you and it's playing the song you haven't heard since you were fifteen and in love, naive and in love, but feeling the warmth that love brings in every molecule in your body, filling your lungs and oxygenating your blood with familiar rhythmic groupings and effervescent notes  

your head lifts from your chest and the blockage from your ear canals drain and suddenly you can hear sounds that perpetually stimulate your heart strings, tugging and pulling, allowing tears to accumulate and flow through your ducts until your universe is no longer recognizable and in a state of nostalgic, aqueous disarray

you wipe the tears from your eyes,
you open your eyes,
you look into his eyes,
and oh god, you can see.

losing you wasn't like anything I've ever lost before. I can't rifle through bags and search through piles of clothes in hopes to find you laying discreetly under something and I can not retrace my steps wishing I could find the exact spot that I dropped you, finding a human being isn't as easy as finding my favorite sweater or my house keys, because you aren't looking to be found and you're not waiting for me to finally reach you once again, losing a human being is like losing a body part or a limb, because you can never ever get that same piece of you back, it's gone forever, and so are you.

filled with life or torn down with despair
  
    it all feels the same

i have suffocated all the butterflies that you put in my stomach with cigarette smoke and drowned the color of your eyes from my brain with alcohol

i have bled you out of my bloodstream and exhaled you from my lungs

the sound of your voice no longer pumps within the veins inside my fleeting heart, but they sounded more like broken sentence fragments anyway

"you are destroying yourself, not him"

but I'd rather have corrupted lungs than a broken heart
because even if you broke every bone in my entire body,
it still would not be as painful as the way it felt when you left me
alone

I'm so sorry for the awful way I've treated you and I don't know exactly why I do the things that I do all I know is that it's a whole lot easier for me to be heartless and have you dislike me then to be my sweet self and have my heart broken by you and have to pick up the shards that remain from my shattered heart and have to puzzle together the pieces again, but you know it's not easy because you can never fit a million pieces back together Perfectly there are always a few pieces that are left behind, and still collected between your nimble fingers, so I'm sorry for the way I've hurt you it's just I don't remember how to blockade the river of fear in my heart that you will hurt me just like the others have

the world is full of too many things that I’ve lost control of, like the feeling I get in my stomach when I’ve let myself down completely, like the way my body relentlessly shivers in the icy winds of the frigid earth
and it’s filled with you
I swear on my life that the world has become full of just one person and nobody else and my mind can not control overwhelming thoughts of you or the way your eyes tear apart my muscles and ligaments down to the very fibers they’re made up of
I’ve never in my entire existence met a human being capable of breaking me apart
I’ve never in my entire existence met a human capable of stealing all the stability in my body
the electrical pulses in my brain are intensifying and my heart is being constantly burned by these sadistic waves of shock
I don’t even know you
how is it possible for you to be destroying me?

and I didn't realize it until I had stared out my bedroom window until the storm had blown over, watching countless raindrops begin and end their journey

I noticed the way something so gloomy had its own beauty

and I noticed that just because everything has been painted in melancholy blues and grays, doesn't mean it can't be breathtakingly beautiful

even though those same blues have been painted in my heart, I am still a work of art

and I know that I am just a storm waiting to
blow
over

with every word you spoke it felt as if I was falling for you deeper,
and deeper
I had fallen so hard that I had almost forgotten what is was like to stand up on my own two feet again

you seemed not perfect, but just like you had minimal flaws
and I didn't understand how a person could be so beautiful,
everywhere
beautiful in the way they speak, in the way they love, in the way they subconsciously carry themselves
but you're not so beautiful anymore
and I'm shivering and trembling at the fact that I hadn't fallen in love with you as a whole
I had only fallen in love with
a small,
discreet,
part

blue irises bruise my lungs and I’m suffocated by the fact that they have a right to their separateness and have no obligation to exist for me

they were so beautiful that day at the beach and were orchestrated with the sun pouring down onto your cheekbones, illuminating your smile and I just remember feeling so lucky that they shine for me, and only me

it started storming and you held your cotton t-shirt over my head to shield my head from the rain, protecting me from the universe
you looked up at the black sky and I watched you fall in love with the stars and the way they validated your sense of belonging in the universe

the way you held my head in your palms and kissed my damp forehead, blue irises turning black, like the sky, right before you told me goodbye

I look back at that day and think about how strongly I believed that you belonged to me
how the blue effervescence of your eyes, the purple in your veins, the oxygen in your lungs all belonged to
me

how another human being, somehow, was mine to own

but when I felt the pain you left clinging to my soul like a leech, combusting my neuro-pathways, altering my mind like a degenerative psychedelic drug, leaving me battered and worn out

i realized that the only thing I bring into this universe that is mine to keep, that will stay with me until the day I die,
is me
and I don’t know what hurts more

You pump through my veins like nicotine and your voice echoes through my head like a sad lullaby because I know I will never hear that voice again and I can't find a way to get you out of my mind because you still dwell inside my heart so I try so hard to get rid of you but you're trapped and the only way to release you is to release myself, too.

i know you're probably wondering why i try my hardest not to cross paths with you anymore

and i know that you've noticed the distant look in my eyes whenever our paths do accidentally cross

i know i'm confusing, and i know that you're confused too, but you have to understand that i cannot continue to climb this ladder that seems to lead nowhere

and i cannot continue to linger onto the false hope that one day you'll look at me and have your breath taken away

it hurts too badly, you see
because nothing stings more than shyly believing you love me,
only to realize
**you don't

you've got those eyes that consume me whole like a river swallowing and drowning my body, extracting the air from my lungs

oh god they're like an everlasting jungle that I have gotten lost in countless times and can't remember how to find my way out of, and I don't know if I want to return home out of this jungle, because it is exhilarating and impeccable, and I've become infatuated with the atmosphere

but sadly I am not the only visitor in your jungle and it isn't only me who has been picked up by your breathtaking waves, she feels the same as I do

your rivers make an ocean and her trees are a part of your jungle, you are one

now the jungle in your eyes is burning down and I'm trapped, I cannot get out, and I am going to die in here because it's not me who has been lighting a fire in your eyes

there are tidal waves crashing out from the oceans in my eyes, but they aren't beautiful, like yours.

and after all that I've realized you are so not worth even popping into my mind for a brief moment, because now, you mean nothing to me and your name might still slip out of my lips and your voice probably will still scream inside my head but I can shut my lips and ignore your screams and shouts because you are not worth it anymore
It was nice knowing you
farewell