i know you're probably wondering why i try my hardest not to cross paths with you anymore

and i know that you've noticed the distant look in my eyes whenever our paths do accidentally cross

i know i'm confusing, and i know that you're confused too, but you have to understand that i cannot continue to climb this ladder that seems to lead nowhere

and i cannot continue to linger onto the false hope that one day you'll look at me and have your breath taken away

it hurts too badly, you see
because nothing stings more than shyly believing you love me,
only to realize
**you don't

I guess I shouldn't have expected you to cradle me in your loving arms and hold all of the pieces of me together and I guess I shouldn't have put so much faith in you considering every time I have you've let me down
oh but no it's not your fault, I should've known
please at least whisper to me with your beautiful lullabies until I fall asleep
then afterwards do not hesitate to leave me alone
you don't have to hold me
I don't want you to cradle me
and I do not want you to feel bad for me
there is no use just please sit here until I finally fall into a deep everlasting slumber but before i do I want you to know that my heart will beat your name until my eyes finally shut and even after i fall asleep my fingers will routinely trace the letters of your name onto my skin

i just wish you could see it
i wish you could understand my thoughts, my mind, my emotions

i wish you could see how life has drained from my body
how my worth is at an all-time low

i've broken into a thousand pieces that i can't put back together alone
i've shattered, and i don't know if the shards can be fixed

i need you
i need you
i need someone

i just wish you could notice how unhappy i truly am

Sometimes it isn't what you say that hurts, it's what you don't say. You never ask how I am, you never bother to question why my flushed red cheeks have faded to dull purply undertones, and you never cared enough or tried hard enough to help support me in regaining consciousness as my life around me blurs and slurs into a transparent orb of blacks and blues, and i just need you to know that I need someone but you never even asked me if I did to begin with

You're just another footprint imprinted on the ground,
another chapter in my story,
just another drop of rain plummeting towards Earth

and although I'd love for you to be more,
you'll always be the smallest bit of nothing in my life,
and that is why I'm truly unhappy

i stared at the empty jar on the kitchen table
that once was full of many things,
valuable things

something that used to be full of worth
now was nothing but a vacant waste of space

it reminded me of myself
and how i used to have so much motivation and worth
but now
im only full of empty nothingness

and oh how i wish someone would come along
and pile some motive into my heart

i contain nothing
i feel nothing
i am nothing

someone make me feel again

I saw you yesterday for the first time in months and oh god your eyes still shine with the same glitter and your smile is still as lively as ever and I never exactly pictured us speaking again but oh my god do I hope you could see the way my face lit up when you peaked around the corner

I hate loving you so much because it's like grasping onto a hot coal without ever releasing it and I see the way you look into her eyes as if she's the only lovely thing you've seen in your entire life so I just keep burning my palms with this stone because I can not let it go and keep the flaming sensation to myself
  I think the worst part about loving you is the fact that I swear to god you've seen the open-flesh wounds from the burns but you choose not to see it and return to loving her
  no, the worst part about loving you is that you will never, ever love me too
please try to notice the way my knees tremble and my body becomes weak every time you walk towards me
please

5:07pm
Don't even look at the name of this text just know that someone is out here with burns in her heart and you caused all of them

6:47pm
Just know that for some reason I still think of you all the ******* time and it's disgusting I want you to leave me alone

7:52pm
I've never felt so weak

8:23pm
I keep telling myself grow up and get over it, get out of bed and move the hell on but I've been saying it so much now that I don't feel ******* anything anymore and when I do it's only because I have you inside my head to help me feel

10:50pm
You're the only thing left that I know and I don't know when that started but I can't find anything joyful if it doesn't somehow tie to you

11:06pm
You're haunting me it's terrifying

12:01 am
I always thought ghosts and demons were scary but your haunting is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum

4:00am
You scare me, how the hell are you everywhere?

6:00am
Get out of my head

I am so afraid to wake up every morning and I am so afraid of the unknown because the possibilities of what can happen in between a small twenty-four hour period terrifies me
and this is why I am so afraid to get to know you because I am almost certain once I do I will fall for you harder than I've ever fallen before
and I am almost certain that eventually I will have to recover from that fall
I have just lost so many that I am afraid to lose any more
I don't want to have to put myself together after someone leaves again
I am just so afraid of loss
and I think it's because I've lost something so long ago that I still can't seem to find,
myself
where did I go?
where will you go?

the other day I was approached by a friend when she asked
"what happened to you?"
and my mind just panicked as if I was holding in some sort of mysterious secret that I couldn't allow anyone to know and all I could do was stare blankly
following this question my frail body stormed to look in the mirror as I wondered why I don't see certain things anymore
I constantly think about where those pieces of myself drifted off to so I just could not answer her
God, why couldn't I just tell her how I feel like I can see that girl standing directly ahead of me and I'm reaching out to her with open arms inviting her into my embrace but she does not want to be held any longer because she no longer likes affection shes cold  and shes still afraid to be grasped by any sort of warm touch
why didn't I have the stomach to tell her that that girl standing in front of
me is not willing to spring joyfully back to her creator as she does not have the physical capabilities she used to
do you see her?
am I the only one who can see?
the tendons in her legs are diminished and she can not even fully draw open her eyes
and she cannot see me
she is losing
she is losing
she is losing
she is dead.

You were like a tree
tall, growing, and branching off into new groups and opportunities
And I,
I was the fallen apple,
laying only to deteriorate
and rot on the cold ground that surrounds you and all your glory,
and I wondered if when
you see me
you sympathize for my decaying,
and I wonder if you aspire for me to once again be apart of your
twisted branches
or is your rough bark too thick,
and your long branches to long
for you to see me falling apart
The apple lies now,
happy it's old companion is changing into such a beautiful tree
but maybe one day
the apple will be red with life again,
while the tree is cut down
to the ground

You are a rose that I have admired the beauty of since the first time I saw you except now your petals are almost gone as you've self-destructed the majority of them and your stem seems to be broken and bent, you no longer are rooted in the ground but are wilting over as if your life has fallen down with you and I don't understand it because when I see you you're the most beautiful thing I think I have ever seen but you refuse to see the same as I do, and now you're looking as if your final days are being counted and I don't know if watering you can help anymore. I am afraid this is the end but I can not lose my alluring little flower because I have become the soil, and I need you in order to function

as a kid there were so many things I perceived as dangerous, like getting into cars with strangers or stepping over railroad tracks while the train was approaching
I used to think danger meant my life was being threatened or I was potentially going to be hurt physically, but as a kid I never ever Wouldve thought danger could be looking into someone's eyes and simultaneously feeling my heart beat twelve times faster than usual
Your very presence is dangerous to me
the freckles across your pale skin spell Stop And your tattoos look a lot like caution signs
the first time I met you was like one big red flag shouting at me to turn around and walk away
danger isn't just keeping the door unlocked at night or stepping on a thumb tack, danger is looking at them and knowing you're going to get hurt but refusing to walk away
danger is falsely believing so intensely that they love you, too
when they make it so blatantly obvious
that they don't

i just wish i could find the right words
the perfect sentences
to explain how worthless you make me feel

and i wish you could understand
why im still unhappy

and i wish you could understand
its because of you.

to be kissed by him is to be trudging along a sidewalk in the midst of November, alone, cold, searching in the solemn for something to put an abrupt stop to your melancholy, and allow the coldness to heal the hot blood flowing from your open wounds,

a light blue car passes by you and it's playing the song you haven't heard since you were fifteen and in love, naive and in love, but feeling the warmth that love brings in every molecule in your body, filling your lungs and oxygenating your blood with familiar rhythmic groupings and effervescent notes  

your head lifts from your chest and the blockage from your ear canals drain and suddenly you can hear sounds that perpetually stimulate your heart strings, tugging and pulling, allowing tears to accumulate and flow through your ducts until your universe is no longer recognizable and in a state of nostalgic, aqueous disarray

you wipe the tears from your eyes,
you open your eyes,
you look into his eyes,
and oh god, you can see.

i've always wondered why she couldn't see what i see
everyone talks of her impeccable beauty

yet she stares in the mirror for minutes upon hours
and looks at her reflection with disgust as she steps out of the shower

i dont understand, someone please explain
how someone so beautiful can carry so much pain

a person who is seemingly perfect in every way
feels so worthless every hour in every day

and i hope you will one day love yourself
and i hope you will stop placing yourself on the lowest shelf

i hope one day you will look at your reflection and say
"I like who I am in every single way"

hot blood, red cheeks, burnt lips, and smoke incapacitating my lungs, i heave through the fire in my home
clouded judgement, feelings of hopelessness, i run through my home to find a place where i can feel safe to open my eyes
a place where my lungs are free to experience breath without tentative hesitance, where my senses are in allignment
i search for hydration, for a holistic cleansing of the soul, for a second chance to reclaim this home i have been so careless in
when i finally see myself
my sense of sight funnels in and out
has my skin always looked like this?
who let me destroy my home?
there is nothing to put out the fire
my skin revolts against my bone as my pulse laryngeally stabs me in protest of my reluctance to acknowledge the pain
i am ready to give into the flames, to be a soul of light
to transcend the blazing in my heart, in my veins, in my brainwaves, to go through this life, with open, kindled eyes, a fiery spirit
lungs of feathers
making it obvious that i have scars,
because every aspect of my being,
burns.

im looking for you
searching for you in his eyes, in the water, in my favourite books, in the customers who come into work, in the bubble sheets of my tests, in the windows of cars passing by, in the grass, in the sky
looking for you on my fingertips, in the strands of my hair, in between my toes, in the cracks of my smile
i seem to see you everywhere i look
in everything
in everyone
but you've been gone for months
and my mind can't stop placing you in every aspect of my life
my mind can't forget how completely enthralled the adventure of our relationship had me
i want to see you
and i do see you
but when will you really be there?

Pink roses stained with the red of my blood lye on the ground in front of me and I wonder how you took something so beautiful and used it so selfishly to destroy and bludgeon me until my flesh was tattooed with purples blacks and blues and I continue to beat myself up for not seeing it coming because I knew your soft gentle smile hid ulterior motives so I force myself to pluck every beautiful intricate petal from the rose seeping with blood until I have forgotten how badly you've hurt me

YOU STUCK THORNS IN MY HEART AND SPEARS THROUGH MY HEAD AND YOU STILL HAD THE NERVE TO STOMP ON MY FEET AND ACT LIKE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS IN PAIN WHILE I STOOD HERE GASPING FOR AIR AND BLEEDING RIVERS THROUGH MY CHEST

But the truth is all of my existing energy and all of my motivation has vanished and although i would love to be happy again the harder i try the harder i fall and break and the weights on my shoulder are just too heavy and the worry drains the color in my eyes
i don't believe i can ever become the happy girl that i was
once upon a time

this is not about you
and I am done writing about you because all you really ever were was 3,000 almosts that never meant anything in the end
I'm not writing about how much I love you anymore but about how much I absolutely loathe your menacing brown eyes that glitter and gleam with fire
I'm not writing about how beautiful you are but how terribly rotten you are
to the very core
I'm not writing anything about you anymore at all because that is exactly what you want from me
I feed your ego
you never loved me
you just loved the
attention
and this is not about you.

You always tell me the name of your favorite book
Yet the next month you tell me of the one you've read that you like one hundred times better
You've told me your favorite color
But once your eyes have rested upon a new one,
Your favorite color alters to the one you find more appealing
You always listen to your favorite song
But by now you've played on repeat at least hundreds of different "favorite" songs of yours
This is why I'm scared when you call me your favorite
And I constantly fear that when someone better crosses your path
I will be tossed over your shoulder like a piece of trash
And forgotten for eternity

no longer have I been uncomfortable with blending into the monotony of society as I've become substantially content in the concept of simply blending in, because when you're unattached and invisible in a world where things seem to matter so much, everything doesn't seem to matter, at all
if I am no longer noticeable I save so much time from being noticed by insignificant potential lovers that claim to be infatuated with my every attribute and characteristic, and it saves myself from believing those lies that set me on a useless love quest
in reality, does anything really matter?
why do I have to feel such strong emotions that I never wanted to feel in the first place?
what is so wrong with wanting to put a stop to all nonsense ringing in my head by just simply disconnecting?
however much I would like to be able to have the willpower to actually detach myself from those around me, I cannot.
oh how I'd love to be able to just simply forget you
but I can't, because you're everywhere
and I'm nowhere

Like a rose you were breathtaking but also like a rose you pricked me with your thorns that unpredictably grew on your stem
Like the ever expansive night sky you were beautiful but also like the sky you struck me with your thunderbolts and shocked my body altering me and the way I am for my entire life
But I figured if you pierced me with your thorns enough they wouldn't be as sharp anymore and I thought that if you impaled my body with enough bolts of electricity that the storm would blow over and reveal the beautiful sky once again
And now that you're gone I've realized the only way to stop getting pricked is to isolate myself from your thorns and to escape the lightening I would have to stay inside away from the storm

you kissed me and all i could think was i can’t believe the universe finally brought me back into your arms, your face shifted into a phrase and your eyes morphed into LED lights displaying the words “i’m in love with you” over and over like a conveyer belt of my introspection
you asked “why do you keep looking at me like that?” and i replied with an enigmatic giggle,
i remember thinking to myself “how could i not?”
lying next to you the only thoughts transmitted through the waves in my brain were lines of poems written with words i didn’t even know i knew, words that fully illustrated the beautiful way your head caressed the pillow and your eyelashes tickled my cheeks, the way the moment felt like an everlasting, indestructible photograph
i couldn’t believe it, i still can’t fathom i was lucky enough to float down from the clouds i laid on, hoping for a second chance, an escape from the perpetual wishing and wanting to stand on the ground next to you
i’m looking at you, and although i could never gather these thoughts with enough durability to communicate them to you whole-heartedly, and without them shattering from my lips, fracturing each letter, and smashing the essence
these pages will remember how i felt about you forever

Eventually, it'll all be okay
I'll forget you
and what you did
  Every memory will fade
  From when we were teenagers
  and when we were kids
    You will slip from my mind
    I'll forget it all
    I'll erase you from my brain
    And start to recover from the fall

how many stars do you see tonight?
I wish I could make out the constellations
but when I see a glimmer of light in the sky it looks more like an escape route to a better world
If I trace Orion's Belt on my wrists the  aqueous stardust bleeds from my capillaries and I can understand why a universe outside of this one may be a better place for me to reside
I keep tracing my skin with the lens of my telescope to search for planets I have yet to know
Maybe there's a part of me I haven't discovered that will let me know where I'm supposed to be
Maybe I'm not there yet
Maybe I will be soon

I told you so,
When I told you you'd lose interest in me,
as quickly as day turns to night,
I knew that you'd walk away,
before your shy feet even turned in my direction,
I told you you'd do it,
before you even did,
because really,
everything good that comes, eventually goes,
and even though I'd prefer if you stayed,
I never hold my hopes up too high,
since I knew you were like a beautiful sunset,
that sooner or later would fade to black

I will never be victorious over this relentless battle that has consumed me like a black hole and I swear to god I can not escape, and don't tell me I'm not trying because I haven't tried so hard to overcome something in my entire life, I will never be content, and I will never win because once I think I'm close to the end I crash and I burn and I ache and i go right back to where I started feeling worse than before. I need YOU to assist me through this and I need YOU to stand by me no matter what happens because I can't fight this alone anymore I need help, I'm asking for help, please somebody save me

my whole life I've been awaiting one special moment to dramatically shift everything and anything to permanently good
I await for summer, hoping the glum months of December and January glide as fast as possible into the cheerful months of June and July
but as quick as the months stroll by, and the warm months finally arrive, nothing's changed and unfortunately I'm still as unhappy as before
I await for adulthood, thinking I must feel this way since teenage years were never really meant to be a great time in anyone's life
but adulthood will come and I'll be the same lost teenager except folded up inside some lost adult's scathed body
and I'm still waiting
because all I've ever been told is how it always gets better
and how the longer i wait, the closer i am to something i would've missed out on if i hadn't waited
but it's been so painfully long that I don't believe I'm missing out on much anymore
so please just tell me
I'm closer than I think

I'm so sorry for the awful way I've treated you and I don't know exactly why I do the things that I do all I know is that it's a whole lot easier for me to be heartless and have you dislike me then to be my sweet self and have my heart broken by you and have to pick up the shards that remain from my shattered heart and have to puzzle together the pieces again, but you know it's not easy because you can never fit a million pieces back together Perfectly there are always a few pieces that are left behind, and still collected between your nimble fingers, so I'm sorry for the way I've hurt you it's just I don't remember how to blockade the river of fear in my heart that you will hurt me just like the others have

i see you, and suddenly i remember how to sleep
how to inhale, exhale, then shut my eyes so the world can again fall to subtle ease
i wish to lay on your pillowy, pink lips
your arms, my blanket
you sing to me your words that flow melodically
my heart remembers this lullaby,
my lips flush red, you kiss them as if you have't slept in a million years, and i am comfort
i remember to open my eyes
there you are
please don't fall asleep

staring deep into my own reflection i finally remember the reason why my body fights so hard to keep me alive (i weep)
i realize how every ounce of my being still exists, because i am worth so much more than the heartbreak, i am worth more than a perpetual feeling of emptiness dwelling within my ribcage (my blood is rushing, and i'm forgetting how to breathe)
i remember i remember i remember
and i finally know how to deal with my pain (i feel it everywhere, still)
i can mend the fragments of my heart back together and use them to better myself in every possible aspect there is to improve (i think it broke again)

this is just a story,
a reconstructed lie,
i am falling apart, forgetting my existence,
i am not here
and it's your fault (but i will be okay.)

remember that time when you were eight at the beach, having so much fun tripping over the waves of brine and all of the sudden you were interrupted by one huge, everlasting upsurge that swept you underneath it, leaving you gasping for air and filling your lungs with its acidic solution
and then you tried to get up but then another wave crashed on you
and another
and another
and all of a sudden your whole universe isn't even recognizable, your eyes fill with sand and you can barely grasp the world around you as it slurs into an aquatic disaster
i think that feeling is exactly what it feels like to live in this world as an adapting sentient human being
i think that once you really get hit with that one, huge obstacle, you just get hit with another,
and another ,
and another
until you're forced to question why you even feel the need to get past it in the first place
why not just sink
why keep fighting to stand up again why is it important that i revive my suffocating lungs why can't i sit until my body absorbs all the water, shriveling my skin from my fingertips to my toes
i want to lay here
harmoniously flowing through corrupted waves
no longer learning how to swim
but how to peacefully and tranquilly
drown

I’ve always found it incredibly strange how a group of people at some point in time came up with a plethora of words used to communicate exact thoughts and statements between people yet most of the time I choose not to use them
what I really want to say is always left unsaid
everything I feel, every way I feel about you is left drifting through the air, never to be touched by another human being
and you’ll never know
I’ll never know so many things because I’m too afraid to say them
but maybe no matter what I say
there will always be something unspoken between us
so I’ll just let you know some other time

and after all that I've realized you are so not worth even popping into my mind for a brief moment, because now, you mean nothing to me and your name might still slip out of my lips and your voice probably will still scream inside my head but I can shut my lips and ignore your screams and shouts because you are not worth it anymore
It was nice knowing you
farewell

Tell them the story of how we met
And how everyday at six
We'd sit together to watch the sunset

Tell them the story of how I loved you
And oh how I'd melt at your pale blue eyes
That stared into mine and mine stared into your's too

Tell them the story of your heart-wrenching words
That would would file into my lungs
And play a song in my head like the soft hum of spring's birds

Tell them the story of how I gave you everything I had
The small amount of energy that was left in me, I handed to you
Leaving me empty, depressed, and sad

Tell them the story of how you simply walked away
Not caring about how I felt
And ending our relationship halfway

Tell them the story of all your rotten lies
That were injected into my veins
And made me feel as though I was lying within the skies

Tell them the story about the girl with the broken heart
That loved the boy with the pale blue eyes
And is now left with empty hands and is falling apart

why does nothing work out in the end my life continues to crumble as time goes on and i can’t seem to get it together again
i can feel it bubbling inside me ready to explode, but it never does it just accumulates more and more but who knows maybe one day it will explode and i don’t know how or when all i know is i hope when it does i will finally be set free in some way and i hope the pain will be demolished along the way because honestly i can’t take it anymore, it’s deafening, it keeps me up all night, it makes me want to retreat from the world, and oh god i think i’m starting to.
i need someone but no one needs me, i think i’m lonely but i just don’t really know what i am anymore

i wonder if the stains on your sheets remember me
i wonder if the cells that make up the skin covering your soft lips died into thin cracked dust, because they couldn't rejoice with mine again
i wonder if the strands of your silky blonde hair fell off your head from the lost heat my hands used to provide them
i wonder if your eyes permanently dimmed once i left, because i was once their light
i wonder if your heart shivers knowing the fire in it has burned out
i wonder if your body remembers love
i wonder if what we had even was love
i wonder
i wonder
i wonder
but i will never know

i wonder if you knew that with every sly compliment you give to me so willingly causes my heart to drop straight into my stomach
and i wonder if you knew that kissing her with more passion than i know you will ever give to me makes my veins knot together in complete and utter destruction, would you still kiss her the same?
would you even care at all?
if you were completely aware that you were slowly killing my insides little by little, would you still be whispering your words into her lips and stroking her thighs, or would you sympathize for leading me straight off a cliff?
if i told you how i felt, would you tell me that you feel the same? or would you regret ever even knowing
my
name
so i guess you'll never know
and will always have to wonder

i have suffocated all the butterflies that you put in my stomach with cigarette smoke and drowned the color of your eyes from my brain with alcohol

i have bled you out of my bloodstream and exhaled you from my lungs

the sound of your voice no longer pumps within the veins inside my fleeting heart, but they sounded more like broken sentence fragments anyway

"you are destroying yourself, not him"

but I'd rather have corrupted lungs than a broken heart
because even if you broke every bone in my entire body,
it still would not be as painful as the way it felt when you left me
alone

sometimes I wish I wasn’t cursed with this unquenchable thirst for freedom,
I wish I could lye faithful to a moment rather than daydreaming about what it is next my heart and lungs will sink themselves into, without ever really acknowledging their incessant urges for a steady pulse

There are very few moments I’ve held onto and allowed every element to melt into my being,
as if soluble with breathing skin

I wonder which moments are easier to dissolve in,
which burn and which sting
Which submerge you in feeling, in an everlasting ocean of converging electromagnetic fields

And which seem to be happening in another dimension,
one other than of life,
one in which stagnates and inaudibly negates the concept of time,  
as if it passes right through,
these moments, i know all too well
and yet, its as if I don’t really know them at all

I watched as he slicked back her silk-like hair into a french braid, almost like he was weaving himself through the strands, connecting himself to her. I watched with innocent eyes, young eyes, tired eyes, confused eyes, I was only five. At five years old I was able to recognize where I stood on the scale of human worth and I was able to acknowledge the fact that for some unknown reason I, along with me and my two other sisters, were placed below her. She was so high up above me that I couldn’t even look at her. She was pretty. I, however, was not, and I accepted that about myself for years upon years as I lathered cosmetics onto my bruised flesh, hoping the more I applied, the greater the chance was that you might look at me with the same amount of life in your eyes as when you're looking at her. I was set on a seventeen year long self-destructive journey to try to win your love. I was taught that love had to be won, that no matter how much it stung you had to keep that clean and pristine smile on your less than average face, because you weren't to let them know you were hurting.
I wondered if there were others like myself, enduring a relentless identity crisis, trying personalities on like wardrobes. I wondered if it were possible for the pain to be diminished, if it were possible to learn how to breathe again, so I began writing. I wrote my feelings down on paper and somehow they ended up on a poetry website, encountering view after view, like upon like, accumulating feedback from others who shared the same pain I felt.
"You're beautiful," they wrote.
At the time, I didn't understand what they meant by this. No photos of me were posted, how can you measure beauty through words?  I learned that being beautiful meant having minimal flaws, dropping jaws, turning heads. Being beautiful meant being loved, being beautiful meant mattering. I didn't understand, so I started singing.
I sang and let my words exert themselves through melodies, through D-minors and half-broken music notes, I sang, I sang, I sang, and oh God, I couldn't stop.
"You're beautiful," they shouted to me while I was on stage, performing with a fleeting heart that was ready to burst out of my chest and run away, but this time, something was different, I understood.
I knew that she meant I am beautiful in the way that I am, the way that I spill my emotions through my songs like an everlasting ocean, and I knew that she meant I am beautiful in the way that my mind is in a constant state of perplexity.
I looked at her and I saw her face, her pretty face, her face that I longed to have. She had a perfect nose, perfect eyes, perfect lips, perfect complexion, perfect hips. I believed all these things were the key to love, and eternal happiness, I believed they were the ingredients to making me beautiful, but now,
I'd rather have a bent nose, boney hips, bad skin and bad lips, and have someone tell me I'm beautiful, because I knew it meant I was beautiful in the way I loved, laughed, wrote, sang,
Than to have no physical flaws and ignorantly believe that being beautiful in the way that I look, is enough.
So I will keep being beautiful, and not to feed the myth that some day you will love me for me, but because I have finally found what I was made to do, and who I was made to do it for.
I am a girl, inside a song, inside a poem, and I am my own.

I used to feel bad for you, and how your skin was always painted purple and black with bruises that weren't self-inflicted, I almost wanted to absorb some of your pain for myself so that you wouldn't have to feel it as much, but as time has passed and you continue to let people walk all over you like a touristy sidewalk and kick you like a pebble on a road, I realized you like to hurt, you want to hurt, and you want people to sympathize for your hurting, I have had so much trouble comprehending why you gain energy from the way my heart drops watching your tears do the same, and then it hit me, your pain is contagious, like an infectious disease, except you like to spread the illness. You like feeling pain. You like making people feel the way you do, because you can't cure it and you know they won't be able to either

if only emotional abuse scarred my skin the way physical abuse did, because maybe then you'd see that your words and your demeanor are the reason why you say i have issues with channeling my anger
maybe if your screams bludgeoned my skin the way a punch would destroy the filaments under my tender flesh, you'd notice how much you're hurting me
and it scares me that you can't even see what you're doing
it scares me that one day i'll be one scream away from erratically fainting to my demise, falling effortlessly to the floor, heart still beating in my chest and brain activity picking up faster than ever before
it scares me that you're not scared
your words are like knives carving my organs with cynical words
"worthless" is inscribed through the hemispheres of my brain
"damaged" is engraved into my lungs
i can't breathe
and im beginning
to not feel anything
anymore

if I tie your wrists to the arms of a chair, until your fingers turn purple and muscles tense up for lack of circulation, your limbs incapable of movement, your body no longer under your control, do you think I could match the pain you made me feel when you decided my body belonged to you?
If I lock you in a jail cell, seven feet by two, key between my palms scraping against my flesh, blood dripping from my open tissue because somehow you still hurt me even when you can't touch me, do you think then maybe I could escape from thoughts of you breaking free, able to invade me again?
if I drown your eyes in hydrochloric acid, would the color burn away like the way you stole the color in mine? Like the way you stole the colors from my life?
I can only see in meaningless shades of grey, for the rare moments I actually choose to open my eyes

when you slid your tongue down my torso and bit into my skin with your carnivorous incisors to write your name
when you penetrated my soul with an uninvited spirit to shift mine out of the way
when you decided I was no longer inside of my body, for I had to make room for you
you forgot to bury my mangled corpse and
you left me to the ground to be fed on by the animals with blood on their breath
and I'm running out of meat

a year ago I was so certain that the devotion I put into you was simply a phase, a distraction, something that I'd forget about once someone more intriguing came around

a year ago I thought the feelings you gave me were insignificant nothings that I only felt because I had nothing else left to feel

a year ago, brown eyes were so dull to me, and now I feel as though I am swimming in an overflow of luminous liquid copper any time you happen to step into my peripheral vision

it's been a year, and I can't breathe anymore
you're all I seem to know