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Stacie Lynn Nov 2019
the state of mind you trapped me in when you locked me inside my own body, confining me to perceive the natural motions of life as if I’m falling from a twenty-story building and perpetually climbing back up the stairs

I have fallen on this same pavement so many times before that I can mutter every name of its  frequent passerby’s, i can mentally trace every skid-mark, every link to your DNA from your musky scent to your bristled hair follicles

How you’ve managed to follow me everywhere I go though I haven’t laid eyes on you in two years,
how those around me sigh with hopeless exhaust when they countlessly attempt to rescue me from another inevitable fall onto the cold concrete,
How you breathe fresh air that holds your feet up from the ground, saving you the trouble of having to empathize with Mother Earth’s raw flesh beneath  you

Yet, I am still heaving through corrupted lungs, still swelling the epithelial tissue lining my throat,
still expectorating old memories just to swallow them again and again, each time forcing me to upchuck ****** acid from a place inside of me that implies no medical explanation

I have become so sick and fractured that i can no longer see,
I cannot hear, I cannot speak
But somehow when I touch, all of my delusional senses return as a shadowy figure that resembles the monster of whom I fear most

My vision funnels in, and out
until I feel nothing but the same cold pavement cushioning my bones like a disjunct lullaby

And as my mind melts into a dissociative puddle of nothingness,
I plant my feet on Mother Earth’s raw flesh, and her magnetic waves of energy wrap around my nimble toes, bringing me back to the staircase upward
Stacie Lynn Aug 2019
sometimes I wish I wasn’t cursed with this unquenchable thirst for freedom,
I wish I could lye faithful to a moment rather than daydreaming about what it is next my heart and lungs will sink themselves into, without ever really acknowledging their incessant urges for a steady pulse

There are very few moments I’ve held onto and allowed every element to melt into my being,
as if soluble with breathing skin

I wonder which moments are easier to dissolve in,
which burn and which sting
Which submerge you in feeling, in an everlasting ocean of converging electromagnetic fields

And which seem to be happening in another dimension,
one other than of life,
one in which stagnates and inaudibly negates the concept of time,  
as if it passes right through,
these moments, i know all too well
and yet, its as if I don’t really know them at all
Stacie Lynn Aug 2018
hot blood, red cheeks, burnt lips, and smoke incapacitating my lungs, i heave through the fire in my home
clouded judgement, feelings of hopelessness, i run through my home to find a place where i can feel safe to open my eyes
a place where my lungs are free to experience breath without tentative hesitance, where my senses are in allignment
i search for hydration, for a holistic cleansing of the soul, for a second chance to reclaim this home i have been so careless in
when i finally see myself
my sense of sight funnels in and out
has my skin always looked like this?
who let me destroy my home?
there is nothing to put out the fire
my skin revolts against my bone as my pulse laryngeally stabs me in protest of my reluctance to acknowledge the pain
i am ready to give into the flames, to be a soul of light
to transcend the blazing in my heart, in my veins, in my brainwaves, to go through this life, with open, kindled eyes, a fiery spirit
lungs of feathers
making it obvious that i have scars,
because every aspect of my being,
Stacie Lynn Aug 2018
blue irises bruise my lungs and I’m suffocated by the fact that they have a right to their separateness and have no obligation to exist for me

they were so beautiful that day at the beach and were orchestrated with the sun pouring down onto your cheekbones, illuminating your smile and I just remember feeling so lucky that they shine for me, and only me

it started storming and you held your cotton t-shirt over my head to shield my head from the rain, protecting me from the universe
you looked up at the black sky and I watched you fall in love with the stars and the way they validated your sense of belonging in the universe

the way you held my head in your palms and kissed my damp forehead, blue irises turning black, like the sky, right before you told me goodbye

I look back at that day and think about how strongly I believed that you belonged to me
how the blue effervescence of your eyes, the purple in your veins, the oxygen in your lungs all belonged to

how another human being, somehow, was mine to own

but when I felt the pain you left clinging to my soul like a leech, combusting my neuro-pathways, altering my mind like a degenerative psychedelic drug, leaving me battered and worn out

i realized that the only thing I bring into this universe that is mine to keep, that will stay with me until the day I die,
is me
and I don’t know what hurts more
Stacie Lynn Jun 2018
i kissed the reflection of my own lips upon glass, and placed my hand gracefully in my hair, grooming and relaxing my restless, scathed body
i grabbed a lock of hair from the mid-section, watching the hundreds of stragglers begin and end their hopeless journey towards the tiled floor, and collected the strands between my fingers to place them in their designated abyss of uselessness

i looked back into the mirror, acknowledging my own image

today, i said

i pulled my heart off the hanger in my closet, grabbed my lungs from the shelf, and retaught my body the process of living

living, i said, you're still living, whether you like it, or not

my eyes became distracted, inverted, and regressing to a time when i couldn't look pain right in the face, and pain couldn't bare to look at me either.
my lips go cold, void of the warmth provided to them by copious amounts of unconditional self-love. my lips curl, my heart palpitates.

i always used to wonder how someone could swear they loved a person so much that it could **** them, and how it could be possible for a feeling so strong, and so real, to abruptly reach extinction, as if it never even existed in the first place
but as i finally had the strength to look pain in the face,
and pain gathered enough might to do so too,
i realized she's the one i kissed today
in fact,
she's the one i've been kissing and inviting in to recieve my love
Stacie Lynn May 2018
i held your hand, felt the indentations in your skin, traced along veins and thumbed the bristled hairs on your forearms
i never noticed how soft your skin was by nature,
how you exist numb to the universe around you,
hairs aligning conveniently to guard your irreparable tissue,
eyes hollowing toward your skull, sinking in deeper with every interrupted breath

b r e a t h i    n      g
you let the air escape your lungs as our hands grasp hold of each other
inhale, exhale,
r e l e    a      s          e
as your hand embraces gravity and lies lifeless and cold,
i was the only one holding us together
how long have you been gone?

it's not my fault
i had to let go
i had to let go
i had to
i had to
i had to
Stacie Lynn Apr 2018
to be kissed by him is to be trudging along a sidewalk in the midst of November, alone, cold, searching in the solemn for something to put an abrupt stop to your melancholy, and allow the coldness to heal the hot blood flowing from your open wounds,

a light blue car passes by you and it's playing the song you haven't heard since you were fifteen and in love, naive and in love, but feeling the warmth that love brings in every molecule in your body, filling your lungs and oxygenating your blood with familiar rhythmic groupings and effervescent notes  

your head lifts from your chest and the blockage from your ear canals drain and suddenly you can hear sounds that perpetually stimulate your heart strings, tugging and pulling, allowing tears to accumulate and flow through your ducts until your universe is no longer recognizable and in a state of nostalgic, aqueous disarray

you wipe the tears from your eyes,
you open your eyes,
you look into his eyes,
and oh god, you can see.
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