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2d · 13
Aura
dee 2d
Dejection holds same weight as an arrow the second it is pierced into the heart.
Before the restricted movement there’s a pause
of uncertainty.
Doubt.
Oscillation comes into play as I fluctuate between fear and acceptance.
I hold my tongue to prevaricate what is already bleeding from my chest.
I yearned for you how flesh craves
to knit itself over a wound.
Ungrateful, I’ll always be.
Mercy was never an option, an arrow to the heart.
Dejection—directly to the chest.
Shall he never know I still bleed for all the right reasons.
For all the reasons I bleed for you.
Jun 4 · 49
051425
dee Jun 4
And if your eyes were daisies
I’d drift off into a dream like state,
staring in hopes of blooming a new world in your gaze, off the reflection of mine.
I hope you don’t leave
Jun 4 · 149
Eight Of Swords.
dee Jun 4
I’m a human library.
My heart is single page with one bleeding word.
An empty carcass pervaded by nothing but
shelves and books.
Cut me in half, letters shall pour out.
Calligrams in my fingertips.
My eyes spell a p o l o g e t i c, in advance to the librarian tasked with decoding my being,
Death by literature, cursive written fate.
I’m a human library.
My brain misspells the word love on purpose
It always only finds the characters that spell your name,
as if it was the only way I was taught.
I used my fingers to write memories in every
system I could comprehend.
I understood what it meant to be a library.
A walking poem.
A talking blue ink pen.
I have touched every pain-cured wall
in this museum,
so ask me anything about him, the pages to my mind will unfold
and you will be filled with the same knowledge
As that of a librarian that used to work in a morgue.
somebody loves me
Jun 3 · 29
Bummer Summer.
dee Jun 3
April didn't speed by like February.
The days stretched into each other
manually reconstructing all the courage saved up
for May.
June stopped and waited, making sure I felt everything from the years before.
Every second coated in sorrow,
every timeless memory felt wasted.
I drag grief by my ankles
A trail of sentimentality that can not be cleaned
An energy that disrupts earth’s orbit.
I have no choice but to keep going forward.
July will be easier.
I’ll pause and sit in reflection of you
I’ll tell the stars not to scream your name
Summer will be just a season; not just three months without you plus more to come.
May 22 · 52
Stitched Sorrows
dee May 22
There’s letters stitched on each and every bud of my tongue.
I lured the thread from each hole to forge up
words that are only free to waltz inside of me.
So when they hit your ears
I expected your eyes to feed my need of resonance.
your heart to thump to each syllable I’m able to pour out.
I received silence which is familiar
because in it there is no rejection
until now.
bit off more than I could chew
May 22 · 142
Divine Intervention.
dee May 22
I created a finger-painted world that revolves around us.
After every 10th orbit our hearts exchange a tune
a colorful melody with power
to overflow more than ears.
A single hum, coating every dimension.
A frequency etched on every molecule we ever grew to be.
How considerate of the universe to make this all
deliberate or maybe it was just the wind?
Though I know the earth has rolled its way around the sun for eons.
long enough to witness every version of me, loving you.
For this kind of love could never be built
in just a single lifetime.
this one for my baby lol
May 22 · 58
Sacred Approach
dee May 22
I don’t express with full eyes anymore.
Still they might tell you more than words can.
I speak in warnings.
In glances.
In dreams I forget halfway through just to prove I didn’t make them up.
Sometimes I laugh so my spirit doesn’t leak through my mouth.
Other times I cry cause I know l’ve already seen this part before.
And if I gotta teach somebody how to love me again,
I’m folding the lesson up into an altar and burning it slow with all my favorite oils.
Cause I’m tired.
Tired but sacred.
Tired but still decoding the air when it moves too different.
Tired but still saying ‘thank you’ to the things that leave before they rot.
I usually don’t write like this
May 20 · 271
Awfully Small.
dee May 20
I suffer from the chronic consequences of elongating my own obstinacy.
Every single coordinated action rises from fear
So my heart can drive in the name of patience.
something short
May 13 · 133
A Bite Of Elegance.
dee May 13
When an equivocal mind is fed ambivalence off silver spoons,
the inevitable death from starvation will arrive.
For I will never taste the conclusions
of my own vulgarization.
Ambiguity is no nourishment to satisfy my soul;
Though being consumed is quite finger-licking.

I’m chewing on my own becoming.

Will I have the right to be fastidious about
my growth?
If dipping myself in gold would be more
palatable to the one’s surrounding the table
only I sit upon?
Another round of silver contemplation and napkins please.
perhaps I’ll just interrupt you.
dee Apr 28
Desire has its fingers in every single fold of my being.
Yearning for the relief of connection
that brings me down to my knees
in front of my own femininity; the temple of my womanhood.

War is over.
The men can come home to their wives.
Who held their breath,
counting the hours like prayers
awaiting their arrival.

I want a love I’ve waited lifetimes for.
A love that stretches thick among the stars.
I want to touch every crooked fold in your being
imprint a sliver of my light on your darkness.
You hold your heater in my defense.
ready to black the sky on those who attempt to dim my light.

I’m built to consume, to ravage.
It’s in my destiny to be reborn by something delicate as a kiss.
Shall I always want more?
Like the kidnapping of my heart

As if, it was never mine.
shoot em bae lol
Apr 22 · 220
Heart Shaped Beings
dee Apr 22
I am an assertive being.
destructive.
mortal.
Extremely impulsive with frenzied thoughts.
I am a woman with affection that only exists
inside of my bones.
lethal.
This affection confused as violence.
frenetic.
I do not express it with lip stains on envelopes or heart shaped doodles on letters.
It’s a demonstration of my eyes piercing into yours.
Willingly suffocating in the thought of you.
Repeatedly carving your existence in my head.
This planet will come for me and continue to spin
but here he is, a mosaic of my memory.
A love that tears me to shreds.
strips me bare.
I am in my purest form when I’m with you.
this is overdue I’m sorry baby
Apr 20 · 133
Existential Literature.
dee Apr 20
There’s enough language inside of my mouth to be understood.
I unhinge my jaw
my tongue rolls out
you can see the words sewn into my muscular tissue.
sentences lodged deep into my pharynx.
I clean my act, flash my cheekbones.
So there’s enough language inside of my body
to create the thought in your mind that
“I’m okay.”
Pain masked in articulation.
The lack to find all the points in communication.
The curse of comprehension.
All while sitting with what doesn’t exist outside of the novel continuously writing in my head.
There’s enough language inside of the world
to prove that no word can describe
my intelligence of my own being;
with coexisting with people who become illiterate
to the dictations of my mind.
before I go I’ll spend every last moment with you.
Apr 19 · 315
intermoon.
dee Apr 19
By the time earth is finished making it’s.   rounds
on all sides of the sun
my brain has already calculated twice a billion ways to stretch myself thin between
the moon and the stars.
I’ll settle for the ambivalence that links
my emotions and the atmosphere;
to submit to the gravity of what the world
could be.
All while knowing who I should be,
I float higher and higher in the opposite direction .
So the empyrean can cradle my chaos,
quietly without judgement.
The only reason I live is for the credible fact
we will all return back into stardust
and be spread out equally between all corners of the sky.
the good ones go if you wait too long.
Apr 15 · 266
Flame for Two.
dee Apr 15
a candle dances and burns in a distant window
while the city beams as if the night
never needed any light.
As if the flame screams to be what illuminates
the crossroads and windows.
Bound to its wick.
A candle who wants to be a star, to join the sky all eyes find peace in.
Longing to be more but still fulfilling
it’s sad purpose.
Tears of wax, only full of potential in the dark.
The city hums an artificial tune,
the candles wails the song of your essence.
Yearning to explode in the sky though
condemned to glow in isolation.
a candle dances and burns in a distant window
to give all eyes a warm welcome.
while the city beams as if the night never needed any light.
Dreams of ignition without restraint.
Still only wax and wick.
Destined to soften, burn, melt.
Still it shows off its light.
Not because it’s seen.
But because it cannot help but glow.
think of beauty and the beast lol
Apr 14 · 176
Bonespeak.
dee Apr 14
There’s words inside of me not just my head.
They curl like smoke behind my ribs.
Yearning to be named.
Reluctant to cathartic practices.
Burnt out due to unraveling each letter
that goes through your ear and out the other
I feel the sadness in my throat
the disgust in my mouth
the anger in my head
the fear that crowds my chest.
don’t worry yourself with what I can’t speak out loud.
Silence is loud, when it’s full.
Such as my days, flooded and useless.
I hope it will all make sense
E-l-u-c-i-d-a-t-e.
I nurture the words that are only felt in my bones.
I will never know how to translate them into a sound only you can feel.
I hope this is the last love letter I write dude
Apr 14 · 135
me.
dee Apr 14
me.
I’m constantly trying to do the impossible
grab the incredible.
express the inexplainable.
stop the inevitable.
I am not a pioneer of my own future.
I’m a prisoner of my past, look at
how the shackles dangle from my feet,
how they cuff my hands like dainty bracelets.
I refuse to care for the pragmatic whole of the world.
When I step on freedom it will be everything
I want it to be.
The flowers will grow upside down
The sky will be a rare shade of blue.
We’ll share hands and explore the world
created by the love in our hearts.
Freedom will be something I can hug
I will not drown in the pool of my own desires
The world can’t intervene now.
I can love you so freely without being
killed by my own limerence.
yea
Apr 11 · 177
Pay It Forward.
dee Apr 11
For love, it is mandatory you pay the price of grief.
I’m afraid I’m in treacherous debt.
Swiped love off visas.
more discounts than Mastercards.
50% of your attention only on Saturdays.
What a deal!
At least I had your eyes to myself just for a while.
I knew every second that I was gonna lose you.
Which is why every second mattered,
why every second costs.
I didn’t count every minute like quarters.
I nurtured every hour.
I spent all the time I had on priceless affection.
You can see everything I owe to myself in my eyes.
Pat my pockets feel the left over potential.
Turn over my wallets and try to count the hopeless pennies.
I have nothing else to give.
What about an arm? A leg?
How much more can I give of me just for a little more time with you?
racks on a racks baby.
Apr 5 · 62
You Won't
dee Apr 5
You could hold me.
Look into my eyes, read my soul.
Kiss my blemishes.
Color my whole entire world pink.
You could find me.
Trail back to how it felt to be part of a whole.
go against whatever's above us just for that.
You could relearn it all again,
desire rampantly and through it all wait.
You could ride a frequency only I can hear.
Still cherish who I am once I disappear.
Know that one day love will find you again.
By the true fact you are apart of me and that is where this love resides.
What I want is impossible but, you could.
idk sht new to me
Mar 31 · 126
Unbecoming.
dee Mar 31
There's this repulsive need to be anything other than myself.
Without finding myself stuck between the space of,
what would I turn into and who I could be.
To be made of flesh is a mortification.
Still I crave the compassion from others
made the same way.
I'm yearning for something I can not reach.
Something that is not real.
My brain is a graveyard of all my hopes to be
who I should.
There's this intolerable need to be more than myself.
More than human, something worthy.
So I won't be so impassive towards my own reflection.
I'm ragged and uneven, I feel i deserve it all
but, in small micro portions.
Maybe I shall change, with hopes of giving my pain definition.
thanks for reading
Mar 26 · 152
Disintergration
dee Mar 26
Shall I give you everything you long for in this life.
knowing you don't deserve it?

Shall I tear myself from limb to limb
Rip the nerves from my muscles.
Split my skin and my core apart.
count each and every bone;

For it is all yours.

To be loved by you,
is equal to being torn apart.
My love like flesh, ripped to shreds.
When you took the colors of my world with you
with every cut, every bite, every word-formed weapon against me

I laid there frigid, empty, and bare.

The last few beats of my heart
were dedicated to you.

My last breaths spoke your name.

Sorting through my limbs.
Analyzing my own skin.
Drowning in the blood from my own flesh.
Looking under every *****.
My demise is your doing.
How strange it isn't an ounce of your soul
left over in my own remains.
I resent you now, look what you turned me into ????
Mar 21 · 238
Sun Child
dee Mar 21
I can say I've touched the sun.
The radiation was nothing compared to my salvation.
The sensations welcomed me home.
A place beyond time, beyond one's mind.
I lived what past versions of me never dared
and lost it all in a instant.
So to now stand in the silence of what once burned bright.
I become a fleeting spark, what was once our light.
I chase the whispers of the sun.
Hoping to undo what's already done.
Yearning for the sky to cradle my heart once more
but I am grounded to dirt and grass.
Like a bird, I used to be one with the sky.
I've hit the window too many times.
You clipped my wings.
Why do you still expect me to fly?
Do I keep reaching for what can’t be found,
Or surrender to the weight of the earth beneath the ground?
Am I meant to rise again, to heal, to soar,
Or remain rooted, in the place I implore?
well that hurt lol
Mar 19 · 145
Silent Turning.
dee Mar 19
It's a never ending war oscillating between affliction and bliss.
Traversing the museum of all the things ever loved.
Nursing the intensity of the wretchedness.
Holding on to the misery like a secret unable to
be freed from your lips.
Woven into the fiber of your being.
While stretching and shaping the brains neuroplasticity
by taking 2 steps forward, 5 steps back
Only to find yourself unable to
find the apricity during the coldest days.
Worn out
Tired
and as you give up, just before you close your eyes
a light gives you every reason to accept the bliss
while leaving behind the affliction.
totally
dee Mar 13
People say i'm insightful.
when I hear the word and find the interrelation between it and I,
I'm placed back in a room with emotions coating
the surface of the walls.
Each corner is covered in passion.
I'm surrounded by all the things I've swallowed down,
they have returned to choke out of me.
The outside world does not know who I am, they cannot reach me.
I can barely reach myself.
No one came to save me and that drove me mad.
I lost my mind in that room.
I forgot how to breathe, I forgot what I was made of.
More unintelligible than articulate.
I lost so many pieces of my mind, I ate at the passion coated walls.
I got lost in the spirals of my own finger tips
I had sat within myself instead of the emotion sealed room.
Would you understand if I said that the parts of me that die still stay with me?
You use the word insightful.
I know myself so well that I see myself in others
and if I see repetition I fix it.
In his addiction I see connection
In her depression I see expression.
I connect with all of you because part of you was once me.
So insightful maybe.
Maybe I drove myself mad for a reason.
To lose my mind, find my soul.
Connection is a privilege, your experience is a process, to grow from it is a gift.
fried
Mar 12 · 215
Open Book.
dee Mar 12
I wield a non-physical entity buried underneath
subcutaneous tissue, muscles, and bones.
I can animate the principles of a living being with ease.
Though the essence of my soul is at war
with its own morality.
All the different aspects of me leak from my pores,
they burn my skin as if they weren't just a part of me.
others clash together and form into something unrecognizable.
I am in a battle between words and sensations.
A plethora of conflicts placed within me.
I am just an Individual.
I am one person and I hold the guilt of my innocence.
Hopefully one day the scales may tip in my favor.
I've thought of waving the white flag
having the potential to survive physical death.
I am a delicate being.
know that there's more inside of me
than what I allow you to see.
I love this, I love her.
Mar 12 · 248
Preservation
dee Mar 12
Courtesy to the star that was forged to make me all I am.
Kisses to the protein and salts used to make up all the parts of my brain.
Though I still lack the capability to figure out how it holds everything
and nothing at the same time.
Even in a yonderly state the words still know how to line themselves
on the page, as they transfer from my head and onto the white screen.
something else I can't explain.
Like how substances can tell me how life should feel
but I lack the capability to grasp it for myself.
How I hold the potential to achieve the impossible in my back pockets
but even the possible seems too incredible for me.
More things I can't physically grasp onto.
I'm mentally climbing a man-made rope called strength.
I'm strong for all the wrong reasons, wrong people.
I just have to be strong enough to survive, but what if I just don't
want to do that either.
What if I just want to clock out, and call off for the next 5 years
to grow inside of myself and not this astronomical object that harbors
my life and anything else with one.
random but cute
Mar 5 · 290
Nihilistic
dee Mar 5
I find myself lacking the ability to find elation
in the parts of my brain that give me satisfaction.
In the parts of the world that are supposed to bring me
whatever the opposite of misery is.
the same way you lack the ability to find brushing your teeth in the morning
anything but tedious.
Because my brain is too big.
Your world is too small, mine consumes all that lives.
As if I was born to vegetate my own existence
and pick the pieces of my brain that hold fascination.
I care less about what you think.
if only I could step out of myself to stop and jot on
my eccentric behavior
the way I express myself even when I eat.
my supernatural way of thinking
and how that coils its way into my connections
with people who are only self-aware when the situation is far from the person
who is mindful of.
Would my analyzation of my core and the outsiders of this world
make me neurodivergent?
Would I be accepted into society because I need therapy?
Would it make me less human if I declined help from another one?
Of course let the person who is qualified on reading others
like a book read me like I'm just page.
Grasp on to the things I can't just understand yet.
Help me understand myself even if you are not me.
It all sounds vague.
let the therapist teach me how to be self-aware and learn a new ability
to not panic as much
the same thing we all care about in the minds of the animals that we eat.
I am not a pig.
I doubt I'm even human at all except the parts of my existence.
I can't even tell you what the world is
but I can definitely tell you what comes from it
and how it rebirthed me.
this may be my best piece lol
Feb 28 · 158
Childlike.
dee Feb 28
They say to learn discipline
you have to train your brain like a  dog.
So to heal, do I raise my heart like a child?
I put bandaids on cuts that are a little over minor.
I cannot risk help that is greater than me
afraid it might be diagnosed with something fatal.
I say you cannot indulge in memory of who is now
when your mind is supposed to sleep by 8.
I hold it's hand in big unfamiliar places.
I say it's okay to express yourself
but when expression turns into deflection
I thought it may be time for a nap.
I fed you portion sizes bites of courage
I don't remember why I always fed you chunks of lost hope.
I am sorry.
I let you roam outside to explore and play.
You come back with a small scrape.
I haven't let you back outside for a while.
I'm afraid you find no joy in playing anymore.
You have dreams of going to back to who was then.
Riding the roller coaster of emotions.
Cotton candied hope.
never ending building blocks of devotion.
doesn't it sound fun?
Horrifying.
I've whipped my brain into a machine.
My heart has it's own mind.
I think it's okay to let my heart grow and touch what's
outside of me once in awhile.
quit stalling girl, don't call him girl.
dee Feb 27
And that's okay but,
i'll never admit this to you so I'll say it here,
where I know you won't see it.
I miss you.
Why do I deny myself the chance to go after
the love I deserve?
Feb 27 · 170
Sleeping Beauty.
dee Feb 27
I have 1,440 minutes.
How many memories can my cerebrum calculate?
There's this ache in my head.
I want it to go away.
Throwing my brain off a cliff
would not make things okay.
Perhaps I'll be like the rest
braindead and my pupils won't respond to your light.
If you would stop lingering here
wouldn't that mean I'll be alright?
The lights fade my eyes close.
A new 24 hour period is proposed
What was yesterday
no remembrance of what whoever was
There's something I'm supposed to be holding on too.
Time is slowing
My days are meshing into each other
I'm literally so full of myself.
There's a familiarity in this feeling.
Not only that someone who touched it with clarity.
The lights fade, my eyes close.
What was yesterday
I have completely forgotten about what was
and who is now.
Nothing to consume.
The entire day feels like 30 minutes and I'm just eating at
the second's left overs.
The lights fade
This time when my eyes close there's a face I pushed out
by force
and it reminds me of all I have abandoned.
I cannot open my eyes I'm forced to rest.
I NEED TO WAKE UP.
In hopes of not forgetting tomorrow.
I HAVE TO WAKE UP.
I woke up.
Lost memory of my last name.
Who I am supposed to be,
But there's a feeling that is harboured in me.
A feeling that used to rip me to sheds
Is now warm and fragile.
What sparked this feeling?
I fall asleep earlier than I'm supposed too,
and forget all that ever supposed to be.
Have you forced yourself to forget who I am and what we were too?
I have no clue where this came from, I just typed a sentenced and went along with it.....you know what....hell yeah
dee Feb 25
The world feels lifeless as I see life everywhere.
I know the people who cross the street breathe
the same air I do.
I know the trees I walk past are very much alive.
But the picture my eyes are allowing me to see
feels unauthentic.
Maybe it's not the world.
Maybe it's the way I'm looking at it.
Maybe I picked at my mind too hard
Dug into my subconscious too deep,
now it all looks fake.
My feelings about it all are illegible.
The change that will come is inevitable.
If not I'll force it.
I'll forge a way to see the beauty of the sky again
I hope misanthropy doesn't take me away.
I'd like to find joy in the people who always smile
when I did, again.
To trust others and the fullness of what makes up the world.
To not always figure out the reason for everything.
The universe is always reforming itself
I'll never be able to catch up with it or the why's
of why people are the way they are
or what actually makes me, who I am.
What gives me the ability to still grip onto life
as I'm opposed to it.
I hope I enjoy it all before I fade away.
Curiosity kills the cat huh
Feb 25 · 220
WHERE AM I?
dee Feb 25
There's a blockage in my creativity pipe.
There's some potential I haven't tapped into yet,
I read old pieces and wonder
where is that inspiration?
I'd hate to think it's because I'm over the fact you left.
Why am I only able to create when my heart
doesn't function how it should?
The words are falling out of my head
I wish they would fall onto the page.
I used to be all the 3 "I's" in imagination
Originality ran through my blood
I could mold my pain into something so delicate.
I touched people's soul with a simple sentence.
And now I can't even create something I'm mildly okay with.
There's no endearment to kiss on letters.
Nothing to set my eyes on.
I guess alterations had to be made.
There's a blockage somewhere inside of me.
A change is coming.
This is more than a simple poem.
When you feel this lost, you are bound to find
what your soul is searching for.
everything feels weird, derealization is a understatement.
dee Feb 24
When you lose your mind to find your soul.
There's pieces of you that are left behind on purpose.
Pieces that are lost from your mind,
that you have to find again.
Chunks of me were knocked out by devotion.
Blessed with gifts of a reconstructor,
Given the title "autodidact".
When all the love 1 human can channel has gone dismissed
Do you know how much willpower it takes
for that human to learn not just to love again
To love themselves over the expected limit.
I begin to think I've done it all wrong.
There's this selfish dedication that I have towards myself.
I refuse to indulge in any type of intimacy.
Afraid of picking up pieces that are supposed to be apart of me.
I can only allow myself to love me.
Anything other than that is foreign to me.
I do not need your commitment
I have shown myself that word is an understatement.
I wipe my own tears.
I hug myself.
I wake up and force myself to eat when I do not want too.
That is the allegiance I have for myself.
I do not NEED you.
So I HAVE TO be everything I want in the next so I do not
fail myself by begging like a dog just for reciprocation.
I'm labeled independent by some.
Characterized myself as foolish,
for not realizing that it is adequate for any version of love
to love me as much as I do.
I'm really hard bodied fr lol
Feb 23 · 143
Philautia.
dee Feb 23
I wave a flag of the color that represents farewell.
I send this soul off with love.
Though she was so full of it,
disheartened to know you turned your back on yours.
She was willing to work for you,
not in the ways that forced her to count down seconds
until her end break.
Not even in ways that would cause her feet to hurt.
In ways that would allow you to be the director
of the world that was once hers.
Two people, a million possibilities, only one path.
Couldn't you tell there wasn't anything that could delineate
how her outer body felt when your presence was around.
In return you shade her ability to love anyone else impossible.
In response the love that was once for you
Transformed into "philautia"
This you can never get back.
My farewells to this sweet soul.
He can never earn her back.
hey I'm over it :) life has always been worth living
Feb 19 · 242
Soulology.
dee Feb 19
these days I analyze and modify my routine
each second I spend of the 24 hours,
with hope I can control the fluctuations of how I feel
in a day.
I brush my teeth, I critically think of everything,
I'm going insane.
I'm normal just like you.
I Feed myself scenarios and "what ifs" for breakfast
(I'm feeling all of it for a reason, it'll come back soon.)
Ponder much more, move much less.
I'm normal just like you.
I'm scanning over old art to feel the emotions I once felt,
(is it possible to feel comfortable within anger?
Shall I not propose a better path for myself?)
Then again, pondering more, moving very less.
I'm normal just like you
By the afternoon my conscious mind has ran it's way
through my past experiences
always giving me the urge to ask questions
I wish I didn't know the answer too.
I'm normal just like you
Now the world has shut down
and I sit in my room, empty mind
mouthful of smoke.
I'm able to see it all clearly,
I'm normal, the things I indulge in? Maybe not.
Do you remember who you were before the world
told you who you should be?
Wednesday has the audacity to be today.
Feb 14 · 145
Lethal Dejection.
dee Feb 14
I want to rip the flesh off of my skin
there's a need to burn the love
that is left lingering in my heart.
I have gone mad.
The percentage of oxygen is going down.
I'm inhaling dejection and I can not let myself exhale.
I've flooded my sheets with tears.
The hallways mimic the sounds of my despair.
I want to dive my hands into my chest
and give my heart a fatal hug.
I wish I could pull the strands of nostalgia out of my brain
from my ear.
If only I could tell my 13 year old self
"love will ruin you, especially in the ways you were not taught"
I thought love was my parents tucking me in bed at when I was 4
or my sister taking me to school every morning
nobody told me it's the universe's biggest set up.
That I am locked in a cage and I'll be 24
still wondering if your eyes look the same
still wondering if your heart still sings the same song as mine.
I wish the love I have for you had conditions.
Rules, regulations.
All I can do is kiss my skin in ways you couldn't.
And put out the fire that burns inside of me.
I have to learn how to breathe all over again.
The rest of my tears seal up the end of this love letter.
I close my eyes and let my head dump everything out.
In the morning I hope it stays empty.
I had writers block, I sat with the feelings instead of painting them out. So held it in until I couldn't, this is the outcome.
dee Feb 13
there's a night where I look up at the ceiling
the same way I do every night
and won't see pity in the
love that is left over.
I'll take it as what it is.
I'll stop trying to choke it out of me,
like it doesn't belong with me.
As if my love doesn't make me who I am.
I'll stop taking your lack of reciprocation
as a declaration of war
to prove to you I'm worth being seen.
I won't mistake convenience as connection
attention as affection.
I won't rebuild my heart with solid pieces.
I'll still love in colors and respect.
when that night comes I'll still love you.
I'll always love you, but not in ways that flood my eyes
or in ways that can physically make me feel my heart shatter.
I'm not afraid of loving you from a distance anymore.
I'm not afraid of the version of myself
that has moved forward from you.
reading my poems to see the progress of another healing process
Feb 12 · 153
I knew you/A new you.
dee Feb 12
I seen a picture of me back to the time
when my hair was teal
my hair is raging red now.
I seen the smile on my face and wondered
what back then could have replaced my melanin
with shades of pink.
It was a picture taken by my sister
while I called you.
I seen a screen recording of one our FaceTime calls.
This time I wasn't so focused on you
but the lightness in my voice
I speak too harshly for some now.
and the look on my face.
I smile less more now.
I know her, but she doesn't know me.
I know things she'll never know.
She wouldn't believe me if I said we don't talk anymore
I seen a picture I took of you.
It's been a while since I've seen those eyes.
I push back my teal hair to reveal the rose on my cheeks.
I smile.
I smile and actually mean it.
I'm still that girl, I'll always be that girl.
I'll spend a lifetime trying to find something other than you
that will make her come out again.
I miss you, me.
I know the old versions of myself like the spirals in my fingertips, I do not know the woman I'll become.
dee Feb 11
it's like my pen is filled with love instead of ink
and writes your name in the color of affection.
Missing you isn't
"I miss talking to him."
           or
  "I miss his laugh."
  even more not "I miss his voice."
it's pining the placidity behind your eyes,
seeing a sliver of your soul in a stare.
The way my name spirals off of your tongue
alerting the butterflies in my stomach to scatter.
The way your body was sculptured so perfectly.
Each muscle, every vein.
I thank whoever is up above and the time they took.
How the smile lines sit upon your face
and I see a glimpse of the child within you.
It's mostly the way you look at all I am
and see everything in nothing.
It's like my pen is filled with with love
the only difference is there's hints on melancholy
and writes your name in the color of woe.
Loving you isn't
   "I love his vibe."
        or
      "I love his style."
even more not "I love his personality."
It's me loving everything that makes you
who you are
Being present to watch
each birth
every era
into the person you become
it's wondering what can I do to assist you?
Giving you pieces of me without hindering myself.
it's knowing in this realm and outside of it
I will follow the traces of your essence
left on my path
I-
Great, now my pen is empty.
At least I'm still able to write your name in my head.
From the pen to the page, from loving freely and locking it in a cage.
dee Feb 11
I find excitement in the unknown.
There's some comfort in never knowing what's next.
This is your sign.
choose risk over regret.
At least you know you tried
or maybe you've been waiting
and realized if you did, it'll be fine.
But why wait on time.
Use it to your advantage and grab today in your hands,
claim it yours.
The gods will not punish you for making a choice.
(Take the risk.)
Do not listen to the voice that speaks outside of you.
Do not push away your desires.
These are your dreams that are so carefully painted out
so why not grab the pen and take the risk?
you know we spend almost half of our lives on contemplating a choice that takes 0.1 seconds.
Feb 10 · 138
soul eater.
dee Feb 10
pain of the cycle, pain from growth.
I had to lose my mind to find my soul.
so if pieces of my soul
are way too far from home
there are pieces of my mind I have to abandon.
pain of the cycle
             or
pain from growth?
which one will you choose ?
When you realize, you are not human.
But a simple soul bounded to flesh and blood.
Having that human experience
and another soul formed the same way
has found itself knotted in yours.
pain of the cycle or pain from growth?
Which one will you choose?
As you keep letting those corrupted memories
swirl around your brain,
when you realize the happiest moments are the saddest,
when you disconnect from the human experience,
and drown yourself in a feeling
that releases you from the chains of the physical.
Pain of the cycle.
Pain from growth.
1 comes after another.
Do not postpone your growth.
The problem is not the intensity of my love
but the quality of the soul I coated with it.
goodness gracious
dee Feb 8
I lose all sense of corporeality,
the saturation that fills the world
with the simple things
lose all color
I start to not be in tune with the hues anymore
and I can only find myself
in the walls of my own encephalon
there’s a familiarity that loiters my brain
I do not have the ability
to tap back into the actuality
of my own physical existence
all the pigmentation is gone
it’s like I’m sitting inside of my body
yearning to go somewhere else
there’s somewhere I have to be
and the disillusionment of reality
grasps onto my heart
and reminds me of the soul
that took the color of the world with him
with every step took back from mine
and instead of my world returning back,
flooded with saturation,
I see through the eyes of a poor soul
though not in wealth,
in a helpless brain stuck way.
I am chained to something unconditional
when will you bring back
all the colors you took with you?
spirituality and love does not mix.
Feb 4 · 165
RIP
dee Feb 4
RIP
"I use my telescope at night, won't be for stars, instead I hope that I can love you from afar" -mts
one of my favorite lines
Feb 4 · 171
grim
dee Feb 4
People fear you.
Run from you, try to overcome you,
Defeat you.
Others wish for you.
Desperately need you.

But I live for you.
it does not matter we're all gonna die anyways.
But that is the reason why you should live.
To not die a empty life.
Or to live a boring one.
Do not succumb to death.
Do not let fear swallow you whole.
I will live to die.
To be reborn and do it again.
Experience.

The cycle.
I will greet you with open arms, because once you come for me I will know that I have lived.
That I have created the world around me to serve me.
That even my happiness will live after I die along with my love.
2 things that will live forever on.
Each day a step closer to you and another day to live.
Hello death and goodbye yesterday for I do not fear you.
for all the ones who loved ''suicide"
Feb 4 · 148
Our love
dee Feb 4
I don't think I'll ever get tired of love.

But is it true love always taste the same?

I've always tried love and its sour hints.

But you introduced me to so many new flavors and recipes.

I find myself reluctant when it comes to you, unable to be vulnerable.

Just because something feels good doesn't mean it is.

So, I tear myself down in my head for tasting something so sweet.

Disappointed for eating something so forbidden.

You have the ball in your court to ruin me, but you never took the shot.

But that doesn't mean you won't so I will never put it past me.

That was a risk I would take; it could go both ways.

Good and bad.

I admire how patient you are with me.

even though I can be stiff, when all you want for me is to soften.

for knowing who I am.

for knowing me.

For times I lose myself.

I'll that risk with you.

The experience.

Because that is truly what I'll never get bored of.

Our love.
Something I wrote when my home was actually a person.
Feb 4 · 163
Screw you, love.
dee Feb 4
A month ago I told myself
not to mold my love
into words you cannot hear anymore
I haven't wrote a new piece
in 33.2 days.
About anything.
I think of myself as a very poor artist
with little much to lose.
do you know what it's like
to be part of a whole?
To have the other part of you
tear and rip away from you
each and every day.
it is not like you fade into thin air.
it's like something was made for me
but then taken away.
do you know I stopped believing
in what one called love for 730.5 days
before my eyes seen yours
How dare you teach me what it means
to love.
Then leave me with it.
This is the worse thing you have ever done.
You have left me with love
other than for myself
and I have no way of expressing it
because it is for you and you aren't here.
***** you, love.
Well
Feb 3 · 2.0k
Suicide
dee Feb 3
I don't want to die
I just need something to make me feel alive.
what I think of with every attempting thought.
dee Feb 3
I pick at my skin
to the sounds of our memories
I pluck the hairs that stand up
when I hear your name
I tear myself down in the love
I have for you
There's a leash around my brain
I'm tired of yanking it away
from the thoughts of your eyes
that wont ever look at mine
there's a cage around my heart
wired with hope
(where is the key?)
and while I'm filled with so much affection
I look at myself as a joke
once a queen, now a blue fool
I apologize to myself for being so cruel
It is not your fault you are tangled
in another soul
but I still blame myself
for always watering a plant
I should have sold.
my words are all over the place, just like my head. I'll make up for this one
Dec 2024 · 136
contemplating
dee Dec 2024
When someone asks what my biggest fear is
but I cannot tell them it’s me being 32 and still writing
about you
so I just tell them the “dark.”
should I call?
Dec 2024 · 232
1219
dee Dec 2024
I'll continue to use my words to light up the rest of the world.

As it does people's eyes when I speak.

Preach.

Talk.

Because emotions I find stronger than words,

Hold comfort behind the stiffness of the letters.

My words have no movement, my feelings linger on the pages.

But they do not waltz or cheer.

Yet yearn to escape me and the blank lined cage.
yea
Dec 2024 · 190
self-aware
dee Dec 2024
A minimal analysis
a set of conditions, withholding truth
that need to be satisfied in order to believe what you think is true.
belief that is knowledge.
the state of being aware of something within yourself.
psychology presents intuition as a form of knowledge
which we know as having a hunch about something
which is generated by the unconscious mind rapidly shifting through
past experiences.
cumulative knowledge.
my intuition never tells me what to do.
sometimes it's more like embarrassment
knowing that it's there and pretending like it's not.
because when you're always right
there's always that one time you hope that you're wrong.
so now my ego is linked to my emotions
and I can't help but find myself, not finding myself at all.
the disconnection between, myself and my thoughts
and my perception of the characteristics that shape me.
call it derealization if you want to get technical
but I see it as an imbalance.
if I do not see eye to eye with myself then I am not equal to the other side of the scale.
I will continue to fall until I satisfy those conditions
I lie further more to myself into this poem and reach what is self-awareness.
so I admit
I will continue to fall until I satisfy myself with the truth for these conditions.
or at least until I know what I feel is wrong.
I know, I wish didn’t.
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