How am i?
You want the truth?
I'm broken
Not the type you get when you didn't get your way so you're slightly disappointed. I'm heart broken. My heart is aching deep inside my chest, it trembles because it's now coming to terms with what my brain already knows.
How am i?
I am in pain ...
I have alot of physical ailments but nothing, nothing at all compares to crying yourself to sleep, waking up from sleeping crying, going through your day crying. I've cried for 3 days now.
How am i?
I'm trying to be strong.
Why?  I know if you knew how I really feel you'll be devastated so I lie, I tell you I'm doing okay, I'm great, fantastic...while  having..tears on my cheeks....so you can focus on you. I went to school trying to hide my tears but then I saw my friend and I broke down. I actually gripped at my heart and I told her it hurts soooo bad. My heart was beating like normal but yet it hurt so bad. I cried so much that I accepted it, class mates passed me and asked "Are you ok?" I said "I'm great, ignore the tears I have allergies".
How am i?
I'm hurt.
So so so so so so hurt. You wanted to stop hurting me so much that you decided to break my heart instead. I hate you for that.  You promised me you wouldn't break my heart. Then why am I crying everyday, why does my heart ache, why am I not eating....why am I in such pain.....why do I feel so.... empty.
How am I?
I don't know.
I'm so many things yet nothing all at once.
I wouldn't wish heart break on an enemy if I had any.
It's painful...no one deserves to feel like they're nothing,...
No one deserves to feel broken.




                                                     ­               Jonesy 2020 (c)

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
It takes a while for my seed to sprout.
But he was a gentleman
And he watered me everyday.
He believed in my growth
Although he himself did not know how to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But in this cruel world I'm beginning to sprout,
Gentle this creature was
He made sure he  gave me sun every day
For he wanted me to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But today I finally sprout.
I'm glad I can now sustain him
Now it is my turn to believe in him
He can finally enjoy my fragrance and the beauty in my petals.
I can now help you to grow too
Just like you have shown me.

We don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But I'm here now
Bobbing my head, dancing to the wind.
Showing you that with patience anything is possible.
Let me show you how to grow under these harsh conditions.
©jonesy2019

To whom it may concern,

You seem to be having a blast with my voodoo doll, just making out these terrible situations for me; sitting there and plotting the best way to f me over. I think to myself there's no way I'll let you get to me not today, but you always have the last say.

So I decided today was the day I wrote a letter to my Saboteur.

Hopefully now you'll stop getting in my head telling me I ain't worth it,
That boy will never love you don't you ever understand it.
I try and try to ignore you
Tell me about all my flaws
How I never do anything right
"How do you keep looking at yourself, you're such an eye sore"

Today I decided to write a letter to my Saboteur.

These letters seem to be working, you haven't sabotage me recently.
No more shady moments
No more feeling bad.
Its been a few days now since I last heard from my saboteur but that's only because I stopped listening to myself.

©Jonesy2019

As I sat there contemplating...
I realized I was not as important to him as he was to me.
            
Jonesy 2019©

No I'm not appointing blame,
My origins will never change,
But what was there for an eight year old to do.
I never felt wanted again after I was born,
There was a huge void in my spirit
My dad married and it seemed like he forgot about me,
I felt like I was scorn.
I was never helped with homework;
I became a novice
Never understood Maths, English or any prerequisites.

A mistake.
Yeah I get it.
But at least don't treat me like it.... Please.
My teacher (God rest her soul) took me under her wing,
Helped me with maths,religious education and English.
I slowly understood what I was missing:
Love, joy, sympathy and a family.
This quickly ended when she died though,
And that void came back.

I never saw my dad.
I might have slowly forgotten his features.
But that didn't bother me I was only ten by then,
And I was coming into myself:
I suffered depression and insecurities.
Many a day I would bury my head in a book
Not because I wanted to,
But because I wanted to make myself scarce so I could escape the hardships of my dysfunctional family.

Maybe reading was a good thing,
I reassured myself as I read through the encyclopedias in my small library;
Deciding that I'll read my problems away.
Mom was never around,
And daddy had a new family.
I'll just read the problems away.

I felt unwanted.
Mummy started going out every night,
At this time I had a five year old sister;
Of course mom hardly spent time with her.
I babysat her while missing homework assignments I never got helped with.
Because mummy went out every night.
Sometimes she came home
Sometimes she didnt
A fire kindled in my spirit made of anger
How could a mother do this to her young daughters.

Jonesy 2019 ©

Growing up as a child and a young teen was not the best,
The memories up to this day traumatize me:
I always remember the bad ones and never the rest.
Now don't take this as a sob story I don't take well to pity,
Just give me a few minutes to dwell
On a childhood that was anything but well.

It was the 29th day of March,
A long and eerie night
A miscarriage was near in sight
The doctor told her:
Its very possible that you will lose your baby
After hours of pain and blood loss
Came a bundle of joy with "cat eyes" that brought light to all a young mother's flaws.
It was a miracle.
"Its a baby girl, woah look at those eyes they are almost bioluminescent in the dark"
Parents could never be so proud to bring such a beautiful creature to the world.
"I wish all the best, to this little girl"

Life was great
But I wasn't truly welcomed
Some people my existence upset.
But as a baby and toddler, it was great all I had to do was breastfeed, cry and ****.
Then time happened and life became complicated.
My mom cheated (or was continuously cheating) and there was no preset
My dad wished there was a reset
And me... I was treated like an asset;
For money.
For **** sake my young years have been duped.


Jonesy 2019 ©

I feel like my mental health is deteriorating.
I've been more absent minded than before;
Like a ghost of my former self.

Tell me what I should do..... What I can do?
I feel so far from you
Its hard to believe that we are the same person.
I look in the mirror and can't even recognize you.

Shakespeare said "The world is a stage and we are all the actors"
So why do I feel like an understudy...
Of my own life.

But I get it now,
You just need to live a little.
Do things you never would have done
You're young.
Experience life a little

You were a child place into the role of an adult, too soon.
Your childhood was stripped from you like an animal being stripped from life.

It took you a while to realise it,
But you've got it now.
You're okay
You will be okay.
I believe in you.


Yours Truly,
Jonesy

"I have a hole in my heart."
Those were the first words he ever said to me,
As he tried expressing his feelings towards me.

"I have a hole in my heart."
Of course these words had meaning
Such feelings.
I could not say how I felt after that,
But my emotions cried a river.

"I have a hole in my heart."
I watched him clutch his heart,
Saw him moan in pain,
As his heart's depression finally gave in.

"He has a hole in his heart. "
When he told me this I never thought he meant literally,
Only emotionally,
A soft spot for me.

What am I supposed to do to help this boy
Who has a hole in his heart.


                                       Jonesy 2018 ©

I know you are the love of my life,
And i know you mean alot to me,
But those words will be the last that you use as your knife,
Even though i am the one who's going to be cutting you out.

You use my affection as an excuse to do what you want,
And back then,
I let you.
You used my flaws,
As your weapon against me,
Your words cut deep like a knife,
Even though i am the one who's cutting you,
Out.

I won't lie have made mistakes too,
I have hated and beat myself down for that,
That hurt.
I regret it.
But I'm only human.
You threw it back in my face every time we got in an argument,
Then have the audacity to tell me i always bring up the past.
You made me feel worse than i already felt,
Even if i was afraid to tell you the truth of the matter,
Can't explain,
Can't express,
I'm cutting you out.

I know when someone doesn't care,
They say the things you do,
They act the way you do.
But yet i forgave you.
I guess love is stupid,
No, I'm stupid.
I have to cut you out.

You think everything i do is drama,
Foolishness,
Petty,
Not worth it.
I'm replaceable.
Not important.
Waste of space.
My emotions mean nothing,
"Yeah that's what you do best, go write a poem!''
I'm cutting you out.

I need you out of my system,
Out of my head,
No
Get out of my heart,
I know you don't belong there,
Anymore.
I'll cut you,
Out.

I don't love you,
I hate you,
No wait i love you,
I don't hate you,
****,
Heart would you make up your "mind",
"Doesn't matter",
As you said,
Cut you out.

I know,
You're right,
Matter of fact,
I always do things wrong,
I cry on the inside,
While maintaining a perfect smile on the outside.
Sometimes with all these mixed emotions,
I forget who i am,
"Are you Miss. Jones?"
"No "
"I'm Miss.Understood."
For my sake,
I have to cut you out.

I don't like giving up on others,
But you made me give up on myself:
Disappointed in myself,
Thought i made your heart go "tick tock,''
Reality is,
I wasn't even worth your time.
As the clock ticks away,
I will cut you out.


                                                                                      Jonesy 2016 ©

I was here for three years now,
But it feels like a decade.
This place is filled of pity,
Flaws,
Insecurities,
Lies,
And a trapped little girl;
Her heart and mind are her only cell mates,
While her emotions are the officers who held her captive.

One day she got out,
And she felt free,
With her heart and mind,
Hand in hand,
She didn't want to go back to that cold, dark place,
Where no one understood her;
Free.

But sadly once a week that little girl goes back to that cold, dark place,
Its not her fault,
People laugh at her in the real world too.
The prison is no different.
At least she isn't judged there,
Cause no one knows how she feels on the inside.


                                                                                     Jonesy 2016 ©

Sorry I hurt you,
That was my bad,
I was experimenting on your feelings,
I wasn't thinking straight,
I'm sorry I complicate you,
I'm sorry that I am awkward,
And not very confident,
Guess that's why guys come after us.
Sorry that i can't express myself properly,
I guess I'm afraid of opening up and being hurt again.

But I accept the pain,
I'll even take the blame,
You did warn me things will fly...south,
Yet you loved me all the same.

I'm sorry that i don't give you the time you deserve,
And address the pain
Instead of giving myself false hope.

I'm sorry I have so many insecurities,
And not a very strong personality to cover for it.

I'm sorry that i put everyone first but you,
That i cry every day,
That i wish we were like those girls;
Pretty,
Have Guys running after them,
They aren't awkward like us.

I'm sorry I feel helpless all the time,
ThatI never talk to you,
That I'm so shy.

I'm sorry that some girls are jealous of me,
And think I have it all,
I don't know why they think that,
Beauty is on the inside,
Only tears,cuts and bruises are in there.

I'm sorry that I am so emotional,
That i am hurt,
That's my fault.


I'm sorry that I don't love you enough,
That I bury all the pain and you alongside it.

I'm sorry that I am so fake,
Smile,
My fixed expression through pain and sorrow,
I hope for the best while expecting the worst.

I'm sorry that i try to fight for everything,
But I can't even help myself.


                              Jonesy 2016 ©

Who am i?
It a question that stumps me all the time,
I am a girl..........i know that much i think
Sometimes i am sweet, other times bitter as lime.

I believe i am sane,
I mean insane,
Honestly, Its all the same.
But who am i?

I am mistreated because i am not like others,
I am different they say,
What's wrong with that?
Isn't that a good thing?
I don't know i guess we must all be the same in every way.
I might be that one rare black rose stuck in the thorns that no one bothers to touch because its too much work to get it out,
But i hope i am special too,
Who am i?


A girl going through identity crisis,
Her emotions shattered like broken pieces,
There's no dry places left to cry,
Who am i?  

                                                               ­                                  Jonesy 2016©

I need someone that could help me out,
I need someone that will treat me like the queen i know i am,
I need someone that will understand all the flaws i have,
Well at least once.

I wish that i could be pretty too,
Like those other girls that have their lives figure out here, there, and through,
I wish that i was like the girl who knew her self worth,
Well at least once.

I wish i wasn't misunderstood,
I wish i wasn't so awkward,
I wish i could express myself better,
I wish i was accepted by my peers,
Well at least once.

I know that i could soar high in the sky,
Yes i will like a bird that was meant to fly,
I will conquer everything in sight,
With all my might,
Well at least once.

When those moments come show that you are brave,
And that you are a fighter,
Because these opportunities come.......
At least once.

                                                          ­                                 Jonesy 2016©

Every time I wake up I feel phenomenal,
Like the rarest of the rare,
I feel like I can save the world,
If I put my mind to it,
I know superman ain't got nothing on me.

They say the mind is a powerful thing,
Once we use it we can break the walls and surpass the sky,
So I guess that's why they blindfold us.
I knew I was born an Einstein,
But they used education to limit us.
But still Superman ain't got nothing on me.

I know I am mighty, strong,
Never go down without a fight.
Confidence level so-so,
World I hope you are ready,
Someone is coming,
Someone who can break the boundaries,
Surpass the stars,
No,
I am not Superman,
But I can be superhuman.

    
                  Jonesy 2016 ©

I am not afraid to say,
I cry every night,
To make my pain go away,
And even though I try not to with all my might,
its a ritual I perform every day.

I am not afraid to tell you,
That I can be confusing,
Its not my fault I swear,
But I do try my best to explain,
But my emotions just go through one ear.

I am not afraid to tell you,
I have insecurities,
People tell me every day I am attractive but they see my clothes and my body.

I am not afraid to tell you,
That the world is a dangerous place,
Physically and mentally,
I know we can save it,
But we needn't be afraid.

                      Jonesy 2016©

I am the black rose,
The exotic kind,
The kind that is a beautiful mystery.
The type that stands out on its own,
Because its rare.

I am the black rose,
It reminds me of the thrilling mysteries of the night,
Like the secret behind the stars;
For I am a mystery to begin with,
I am a beautiful, rare, exotic black rose.

                        Jonesy 2016©

I promise to cherish you,
To treat you right,
To cherish your presence like it was your last gift to me,
To consider your feelings in everything I do,
To make you believe that you chose the right person to confide in.

Dear future love,
I will always try my best to be there when you need me the most,
I will be the light that brightens your days,
I will be that shoulder to cry on, on your rainy days,
I'll be that rare exotic black rose in your bouquet of pink roses;
I'll love you.

                                                        
                                                                ­                    Jonesy 2016 ©

As the sun shines,
All of creation rejoice.
As the trees sway,
All of its residents sing and tweet in harmony.

As the rivers flow in tranquility,
All of the sea creatures swim in their beauty,
As the coral reefs provide a shelter,
A home,
For the creatures of the deep.

For Mother nature is one of the greatest gifts,
The trees, the animals, the open ocean,
Are all hers,
But yet she doesn't use them to abuse us,
Instead she lets us observe them,
Admire them,
And yet we still
destroy them.

                                    Jonesy 2016 ©

Beauty,
Beauty isn't skin deep,
Its what one see on the inside.
It's the personality,
Your attitude,
Its what speaks for you when your appearance fails you.

Now, Attractiveness,
That's a different story
That's just how you look,
Its the quality of your body that causes an interest or desire among people,
That isn't beauty.

                                                        ­                                Jonesy 2016©

Today and yesterday were the same,
People acted like animals who can't be tamed
So i decided to walk away,
Drama is too much,
I can't stand for it a next day.

These emotional series of circumstances just get to me,
I wonder why people can't get along and let things be.
No, this isn't a play for theater or television,
Shakespeare has nothing to do with this.
Yet to be social this is my vision,
But is living without being too social too much of a risk?

                                                          ­                                      Jonesy 2016©

Back then,
I was strong,
So confident,
But now I don't even know what that means,
Had good self-esteem,
But not egotistically,
I would use it to help girls just like me.

Guys would say hey,
And I would say hi,
Then they say you're full of beauty,
But then i don't know,
If they're looking at my hair,
Looking at me,
Or maybe its just the clothes i wear,
Back then.

All the confidence,
All the esteem,
But now this is me,
Non-egotistically ,
Back then.

                                                          ­                          Jonesy 2016©

Sometimes we reach our limits,
Sometimes we crack under pressure,
Sometimes we can't stay to bare the pain'
We lose the power to fight it.
Consequences of holding your thought on the inside.

In a house full of family, We don't belong
In a school full of friends we can't relate,
In a world full of people choose to be alone,
Consequences of being antisocial

                                                     ­                             Jonesy 2016 ©