Its not just that. I miss Him. So much. I miss laying with him and just feeling safe in his arms and it just really gets to me sometimes and tonight is one of those nights where I feel like I have concrete blocks tied to my ankles while trying to swim. Like it literally hurts my heart and I'm so on the verge of letting out feelings that need to be let out, but I just can't. Because once I do, I'll have dreams about him and I won't be as strong as I am again. He'll consume every thought every day instead of just every other thought. I want to splatter my brains all over the wall. I'm miserable and I'm trying to find happiness in someone else immediately and I'm not giving them my all and I feel bad but me and Him had everything planned out. For three years. And I didn't do anything wrong. I just wasn't good enough. And it hurts to the very core of my heart because I invested so much into him.

School has taught me a few things..

The world is beautiful
The people are cruel

The person that holds your heart
Will slip it between their hands
And squeeze it until it explodes

The teachers do not care
They're just here to get paid

Wait until you're at your worst
Then see how many friends you have

And make sure you don't stand out
Because that's socially unacceptable

You just have to keep telling yourself that you're a **** good person and you don't deserve any of what he put you through.
You stayed and you went back even when he didnt deserve it.
You were always there to pick him up when he couldn't do it himself.
You would've swam oceans for him.
But he'll never realize that until you're in someone elses arms and you're truly happy.
Only then will he truly realize what he had and how good you were to him.
And he'll hate that you're happy with someone else.
And you'll be blissful.
Truly in love.
And you'll have someone that would swim oceans for you.

Here I am
Spilling everything out on a website
All the feelings you've bottled inside of me
And yes YOU have bottled them
Because I can no longer pour them into you
I have to watch what I say
What I do
You never had to say a word about missing me
I could tell by the way your heart was racing when my head was on your chest
You didn't have to say a word about missing me
I could tell when I was in your arms and you didn't care that you had a girlfriend
It was just pure bliss to be back into one anothers arms
You didn't have to say a word about missing me
I could taste it on your lips
I could feel it in the way that you couldn't stop holding me
We both know where your heart truly stands

That's how I know that you didn't really love me
You've already ****** someone else
And I can't even bring myself to kiss someone

You claimed that you didn't love me
But I beg to differ because at 5 AM you were in tears afraid that I was going to commit suicide
Was that not love?
At 5 AM you kissed every cut I had made upon my porcelain skin
Was that not love?
You came back to me time after time because you don't know how to live without me
Was that not love?
You left me a month ago but you still have a need to hear my voice
Is that not love?

I had always said that if you were to die, there would be a double casket but little did I know that you'd have time to get your side ready because you should know way ahead of time that our casket is going to be here soon. I hoped that you would go to the grave with me but all im taking is our memories. The memories are the most alive thing about me. Because the rest of me will be in the casket after I put a bullet through my brain or a razor across my wrist. You promised we'd never end up like this. You promised we'd always be friends, but where are you when I need a friend? Are you worried about my well-being? Because being well without you, my dear, well, that's impossible. I had always taken separation so easy until I got separated from the only person I had come to love, but was it love? I loved you, but I can't be so sure you loved me. Loved. See, you loved me at one point but you loved others, too. That's the time I started to fall apart. I seen what you said to other people and ****, I lost it. Loved. You would put your arms around me and I could've swore I would never be more at home than I was when I was in your arms. Home. Home was the only place I felt comfortable the only place I could go to get away, and let me tell you, at the end of every day, you were home. Every day. Every day I would plan the future that I seen with you. With you. All I ever wanted was to be with you.

My love, you really broke me this time.
All I know are the hands that hit me
And the mouth that called me names
I hope you're struck by her stunningness
Or at least by the way she holds your hand
I hope she fills the empty spaces in which I could not fill
But just know that I haven't taken you off my mind since the day you left me.

I know they say when one door closes another opens
But I'm forcing gravity down with the weight of my regrets
I refuse to let the door that allowed you into my heart to close
You say I'm not pretty
So I broke every mirror in my house
To keep from seeing the reflection of a used up depressed teenager
Because who would want a girl with so much brokeness

I had always frowned upon the thought of being drunk
But my God, I hated being sober
****** smirnoff was the key to falling asleep in the arms of my lover
The bitter taste of alcohol made me forget about you
I never knew the downers in alcohol could make so many memories
I was sloppy drunk with my friends laughing until the sun came up
And no I didnt want it to end
I couldn't find which direction I was supposed to go
And I didnt care
I just wanted to catch the sunrise in his beautiful eyes
And the joy in the laughter of my friends

I just got way too faded
Thinking about the times we used to have
You would always ask me to get high
And I would say no
I didn't need smoke to feel like I could conquor the world
I had you
But since you left
It's my only escape
From any bit of reality
That you're actually gone
But the way you left me is alright
Theres always someone better
I just don't understand how you could leave
When you already had the best

It's now 8:07 AM and I've written a poem about you.

God,
     Today I woke up and I wish I hadn't. I feel so alone and am back in a state of mind where contemplating suicide every day is comforting. Perhaps this is my suicide letter to you, God. My bestfriend is miles, cities, states away and she's the only one that could understand. My boyfriend sleeps with other girls and leaves me on the backburners nine out of ten times. So tell me, how do I know love? My body is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone could want to touch me, let alone love me. I can't even love me. I would rather be dying on the side of the road from a heat stroke than to have over 150 pounds on my body. I'd rather have no mom than a mom that doesn't care. So tell me, how do I know love? So my prayer to you is to let me find hope in another day. To let me not feel bad for living or eating.

                              Xo,
                                    Brianne

I would shower in two hundred degree water if I thought that it would get your touch off of my skin
I would dive into the coldest ocean in the world if it would freeze my brain just enough to forget you for a few minutes
I would shred every inch of my skin if it would somehow take away the pain I feel in my heart and my head
But that's the thing...
I can't detach from your grasp
My brain wouldn't forget you in a million years
And I have to bear the pain that feels like a thousand pounds sitting on my heart
Just because you left me

My bitterness stems from the urge to hold onto things I can't control
I'm very controlling
A weakness
But you can imagine the struggle
You know how they say if you get chills someone walked on your grave?
You weren't only so disrespectful as to walk on my grave
You spit on it
And my skin still crawled with pleasure for you
It's like a sickness
It would be a honor to wake with Amnesia
I'd forget the way I let you push me around
My vocabulary lacks the words to remotely make your disgustingness look ravishing
And why would I?
You're a *******

Throughout life you will find someone unlike any other. You could talk to them for hours and never get bored. This is your soulmate. Never let them go.
But little did you know they'll probably leave you, crying, in the rain at 4 A.M. Cursing at the sky begging for help. Having your face go numb from the throbbing strain of crying so hard. Contemplating self-harm that you hadn't resorted to in over a year.

Because you see, it's kind of funny that it's 4 A.M. And I'm crying, a throbbing strain, contemplating self harm. And that is what your soulmate will do to you.

You're like smoke
so faintly I can see you
but when I go to feel you
kiss you
love you
you arent there
youre like snow on a summer ground
you melt away so quickly
you course through my cells
Kind of like cicle cell
you cause me pain
You left scars
two inches deep
on my left wrist

Resourceful in all of the waysthat you are
the context of your words, the way that they glide
through my veins and crawl up to my skin
and out to the pores to where you can see
I get scared with the way that your eyes can control my body
and the way you use your words so well
how am I supposed to know thruth from false?

How could you grab my hand knowing
Knowing what I go through
Knowing I love you
And I'm hidden
I'm hidden in the darkest corner
The darkest crease of your love
Your words bring joy to me
Yet your actions bring disappointment
Don't let me slip deep into
Deep into those brown eyes of yours
Knowing
Knowing you'll break my heart
Break my heart once again

While we've moved on into 2015
I'm still lingering in every empty space in my body waiting to make a mark
Like they say "Missing you comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning"
But it isn't just tonight
Its every night
And drowning would be a privelage
I'm suffocating under a thousand pounds of pressure to hold back every tear that's been built up over a course of three years
Trying to save myself the pain of rolling around in bed with a bloodshot face, veins popping out of my neck , screaming at the sky
I'll never understand why you left
I didnt do anything wrong

The stitching creases on a blank canvas
A mindblowing beautiful pale coloring
Never showing justice to the beauty
As the canvas has already been covered
In permanent marking
That once made all stitching come undone
The depth the paintbrush had made
Was a cry for help
The markings of the painter showed anger
Not at anyone
But at himself
With no other solution
Your beautiful canvas has been destroyed
Yet rebuilt
With a story to tell with every marking.

I don't want to think about you leaving
It scares me.
Knowing that I'll be alone
Alone
Alone
That you won't be around for me to hug
To cry to
To lean on
I'll just be hurting
Hoping you'll come back but you'll be gone
Very distant from me
And I'll be alone
Alone
Alone

My heart dwells within your fingers
I feel punctures as the grip gets tighter
The warmth of your psalm is comforting though
The blood pumping through your veins fiercely
Squeezing the blood out of my already severed heart
But I know its the last time we'll ever be so close
Even though you've given me my death sentence

I want to go on a 3 A.M. walk with you.
Let the lights shine into our eyes as I hold your hand and tell you about how I’ve been missing you so much.
I can let out a couple of tears while we listened to the song you would sing to me so I could get to sleep.
I can tell you how every piece of you falls perfectly into me.

Maybe I should really let go
I'm no good for you
And you're certainly no good for me
How can everything be perfect
And two seconds later be a disaster
My scars are forever repeating their past
Being torn open
Replayed
Sown back together
Just to be torn open again
I must say I'm not always to blame
But you make me feel that way
My eyes are strong
But my heart is weak
Not shedding a tear
But skipping beats because I'm scared

I'm on a deathbed without you here
1095 days
Today would've made three years
You gave me a gift on Christmas
The gift of leaving me
Oh what a painful thing
I wonder what I did wrong
And I'm trying to move on
But I can't
I clinged to the one thing that made me happy
And destroyed me all at once
My heart whimpers at the thought of you
You can feel her hands around your waist
And I can feel them around my neck

"I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I really hope one day you realize that no one could ever care for you like I had. I hope that 10 years from now when you've had enough to drink on a hard day, I will be the one that drowns your thoughts.
And just know when that day comes I'll be waiting for your call because the whole world will feel as it's falling all around you and you wont be sure how you're going to make it home but then you'll realize home isn't home without me. So you will tell me you love me and I will silence you before you finish your slurred sentences, because at that point it'll be too late for that.
I'll remember how much it hurt to love you and I will remember the way it felt when I couldn't breath because I was drowning in my own blood and I will tell you that I can't do it anymore, I will apologize and call you a cab. I'll give him your address because I know every step to your door with my eyes closed, but you'll never hear from me again after that day. And I hope you're sorry and I hope its you who's left with a wound this time and I hope it lasts and you carry it with you everyday for the rest of your life just to remind you that you couldn't love me like I deserved.

-thewordstoabookillneverwrite"

M.S.

My body aches when you're gone
Not the typical aches
Internal ones
I mean the ones where your stomach
Turns knots
The one that leaves incisions on the heart
You tore me apart
You always played the game just a little better
But I wasn't playing a game
I was the target

Hiding in the bathroom
Laying on the floor
Weeping from the heartache
Begging, "Please, no more"
I cry out for help
But nobody tends to listen
You spark the words
My name in vain
I question life
Am I even sane?
Nothing is ever what it seems
It's just a tragic fantasy

I'm not a soul
I'm without any feeling
Any touch
I'm a whisper in the wind
A whistle in the way
I'm constantly in the way
I'm numb

Ive loved you
For two years and three months.
For 27 months.
For 118 weeks and one day.
For 827 days.
For 19, 848 hours.
For 1,190,880 minutes.
For 71,452,800 seconds.
Ive loved you
Since January 1, 2012.
Since I met you at the skatepark.
Since the day I gave you all of me.
Since the day that you actually made me feel wanted.
Since the day we had our very first kiss.
Ive loved you
With every fiber of my being.
With every inch,
With every corner of my heart.
With every warm touch to my body.
With every tear drop from my eye.
You dont want me
Youve left such an impact on me.
Youve changed my thoughts on love.
Youve changed me.
You still have all of me
Every ounce of my heart.
Every fiber of my being.
Im cold
I dont have a sincere smile.
I dont have a warm touch.
I dont have you.
And it has broken all of me