do you have any idea
how ******* good it feels
to see that smiley face
and know you might be imitating it as we type?

Fresh blankets of snow turned to slush
Handsome white into gloomy grey
Temperatures rising with rainfall
As Mother Nature grows with the grass
From a girl to fully grown
Blossomed like the emerald leaves in endless heat
And she thinks,
Things can’t stay alive forever.
Expensive trees serve as her apologies
And as the fee for the temperature decrease
Leafy angels crunch beneath feet
Soon replaced by rocks of salt in the street
And Mother Nature rests
After a sly confession
That she plans to do it again.

Out on a drive with me
It all starts out the same
The second that I turn the key
It turns into a game.

First, on the radio:
The song has to be just right
Especially not advertisements,
Sometimes they keep me from sleeping at night.

After that, I sit and think
And think and think some more
But the more I think, the more I ask
What is this all for?

Hey! No time for crises!
Let’s play games!
How many cars can you stack?
Anything to keep my brain tame.

But I’ve already thought of that game
So many times
I don’t want to play that game anymore
Repetition is what I most despise.

So I think my thoughts again
They’re even louder now
Stop stop stop stop
But how how how?

My pressure increases on the gas
Zoom zoom zoom
But it’s not because I want to go fast
It’s my head: boom boom boom

It pounds with the same thoughts
Over and over— yet
I can’t just think about something else
I can’t let myself forget

What if I crash the car?
What if I die tonight?
Stop stop please stop
Filling my head with more fright

I take a different way home
I’ve taken that one too many times
Even though it’s a little slower
And there are way too many lights

The water dripping down my neck
Is Chinese water torture
So wipe it off quickly quickly NOW
before you subject yourself to more torture

Torture torture
Driving like this is torture
Stop grinding your teeth, it hurts
You’ve been doing it since your departure

Honest to god, I want it to stop
The repetition is too much
I hate it
I hate it
I hate it
Make it stop.

If we lived in a world
Where you didn’t age a day until you met your soulmate
I would have gotten my first grey hair
When I met you

“We both know how you are with reading into things.” Well... yeah.
I’m a ******* poet;
How else am I gonna figure out what to write about?

maybe you needed a guardian angel
and that’s where he is now.

hey, you.
this is new.
i should've expected this, right?
as soon as anyone says they're bi
i suddenly assume i have a chance
but under no circumstance
is that actually true.
...but it could be with you.

Knock,
And you will be called in.
Talk
If you are prepared to listen.
Every

Action you take creates friction.

Running her fingers through my hair
I hug her with my arms wide
Even when I cry
My tears— they dry
So easy for her to blow my thoughts around
I’m so used to the cold
That I’ll roll my windows down in any weather
To meet her again

I’m a broken record
Saying the same “my life just *****” over and over again
Without bothering to change the record
because the record player lies just out of my reach
Fingertips grazing
Yet they can’t wrap around the edges to draw it nearer
Even if I managed to get a hold on it
Finding another record is a whole other problem.

My grandmother gifted me a jar of buttons when I was little.
There were so many inside the jar that it was impossible she collected them by accident; impossible that she had collected them for the purpose of sewing old clothing back together.
Her button jar serves as a reminder to me, a reminder of how perfect she was that she never needed them to mend old shirts she had torn,
because she was too perfect to have torn any in the first place.
I wonder if she gave them to me on purpose, or on accident.
If she had given them to me as a keepsake of her, to show all she had collected,
Or as a precaution, because she knew I was going to need to mend so much of my future.

If time and distance tear us apart,
I have to know if it was me or your heart.
If the sand in your toes filled you with some kind of satisfaction I can't match,
If the salty sea left you with an itch I can't scratch,
If the California girls prove me completely unworthy,
If I'm not enough adventure for you; if it's not enough to just hold me
Maybe Cali changed you.
...then I don't know what to do.
   And maybe you're not new.
   Maybe you needed some kind
   of wake up call,
   something that had it all,
   to validate that I am nothing.

Please come back.

I can't stand it.
So I sit.
But then the chair begins to itch,
so I stand again, take a step
which feels forward but is in fact
                                                    b
                                              a
                                       c
                               k
                       w
               a
        r
d
but I continue
carefully tiptoeing along
carelessly creating everything wrong
and then the thing I can no longer stand for
is no longer the thing it was before
and all that's left is me
defeated by my own feet
who kept carrying me forward, backward
looking at the footprints, are they forward or backward?
Easy to explain from either side,
harder to claim only from mine.
Guess we'll never really know
cause now I'm sitting right back down
which is just another way of saying:
does it even matter now?

my socialization meter is down to zero
I’d be happier if I was the only one
but no one else thinks that two.

they’re right when they say a crowd is three.
but what am I asking four?
loneliness instead of a high five?

haven’t been this antisocial since age six.
I’m supposed to be there by seven
but it’s still the morning; maybe eight.

I might be over it a little by nine,
but I’ll never feel like a full ten.

Guilt:
The powerful emotion that encourages us to rethink everything. We’re never sure who it belongs to, because sometimes everyone harbors it inside, and other times, no one does.
Acceptance:
Ambiguous, in the aspect that sometimes we convince ourselves we’re accepted something when we really haven’t— and that instance actually aids the acceptance process.
Love:
Melds our hearts together, melts them, and crushes them in the end, in a cruel twist.
Crush:
Someone we almost/maybe love, that has the potential of breaking you, fixing you, or straight up crushing you.

did you ever believe me?
when I told you I cared?
did you ever realize?
how much I was scared?
of losing you, of never having you

did you ever love me?
in the way I loved you?
did you ever mean it?
when you said “of course I do”?
think I lost you— or never even had you

did you ever care?
or were you too selfish?
were you ever scared?
or even jealous?
you knew you’d never lose me; you always had me.
hypnotized.

Don’t tell me things I already know.
Don’t tell me I’m “not like other girls”.
If I was I would have given into your sweet treachery already.
Don’t tell me things I already know.
Don’t waste my time by telling me “you only live once”;
Obviously I knew that because if I thought we got a second chance I probably would have done a lot of insane things already.
Don’t tell me things I already know.
Don’t tell me not to do drugs because you know I’m only human and I’m going to try them when I’m older anyway,
Don’t tell me to stay in school because even if I don’t it won’t affect you anyway,
Don’t tell me it’ll be alright because I know it will but I just want to simmer in sadness for a while.
Don’t try to teach me how to ride my bike if I can do it better than you.
Don’t waste my time and yours
opening doors
that I’ve already unlocked.

why would you settle for anything less
than passion
why would you want anything other
than madness
why would you desire anything except what you
can't fathom
wouldn't you be intrigued by something you
can't imagine?

There is a place
Where a man resides
Early to everything
Because early is on time
He may have left soon
But he’s waiting at the gate
At the front of the line
Because on time is late

The gates swing open
And he is admitted
They let him in because
They knew all he did

His passion unmatched,
Rivaled by everyone
He stood up for what he wanted
Never backed down for anyone

He had much pride
For his wife and two daughters
A triathlete, an artist,
And a student with honors

He never ceased to give
Back to his community
Would help a neighbor out
At literally any opportunity

Talk about the funniest guy
You’ve ever met—
I keep thinking the jokes
Can’t get better, yet
In my head he’ll walk right through that door, do his victory dance, laughing, rolling on the floor.
And I know he won’t, but if you think that the last you’ve seen of him was on January 9th, 2019 at 6:18pm then you are sadly mistaken.
If you think he’s done with all of you then you underestimate him.
Because he will be there through thick and thin,
To see all of us lose and win,
To see us fall but still keep kicking.
My father was an orderly man who enjoyed having a schedule and this little set back did not set him back at all.
His New Years resolution was to spend more time with his family and he plans to do just that with all this time on his hands.

There is a place
Where a man resides
Ready to listen to
All our goodbyes
But his trick is
He’s got plans to drop by
Early to the gate
So he’ll be on time.

The bags under my eyes are so packed
that they’re ready for a two week long trip to Japan
The weights on my eyelids are so heavy
that they’re lifting 15 lbs dumbbells as a 5th grader
The crunch of my voice is so thick
that it’s driving on a gravel back road at 10 mph
My body is so exhausted
that it may as well be buried six feet under without a bell tied to my hand.

Poetry is my check of reality,
Where I put my past in front of me
And analyze for hours, using all my power to discover what it was that went wrong.
I wish it didn’t have to be that way,
Because all my scrutinizing does is lead me astray from the path I was meant to take,
accumulating more mistakes,
and in the end I only end up with more heartbreak.
Last time my heart was this broken,
Nothing I felt went unspoken.
Now that the same part of me is missing,
Nothing I feel goes unwritten.

It’s for real this time,
I say.
But if it’s for real this time,
Why do I have to convince myself of that every day?
If it’s for real this time,
Why do I get pushed away?
If it’s for real this time,
Why do they never stay?

Like glass,
I can shatter.
Quickly, draw
the shutters.
I know you
can see through
and it’s fun
to take in the view;
Watch me crumple
under stress
but it’s best
if the curtain covers
while the window cracks
because
there’s no going back
once you’re struck
by the broken shards
of glass.

Turn the channel but it’s still static
So far away that you can’t hear the panic
And maybe I am a touch dramatic
But that doesn’t mean that I’m not problematic.
Not saying that my whole life is tragic
But having you in it was a little traumatic.
Despite all the times it felt like magic
Looking back now pushes me into a havoc.

I know, I know, I know,
We both made mistakes, and
I know, I know, I know,
We never meant for it to be this way.
I wish, I wish, I wish,
We had told more truths and not buried them,
I wish, I wish, I wish,
we would’ve had more of a grey area.

my habits have been away as long as you have
i don't pick or bite my nails in half
seeing as you've been a goner
i don't bounce my leg any longer
ever since you beat it
i stopped stress eating
because you shattered my heart in my chest
i'm on my phone much less

and you claimed it was all for the best
at the time, i never would have guessed.

Got an email from someone I thought I knew
Curious to know what we were up to
Clicked on the link, but it was just a ploy
To hack into my life and use me as a toy.

Broke into the hardware in my head,
Consumed my credit cards, ushered me into debt
Hacked into and manipulated all I felt
Controlled and restricted the hand I was dealt.

Even with my new passwords and new email
The scar of the hacker will never fully heal.
Blamed it on them being the stone cold *****,
But I’m the one who let them hack with a single click.

lip syncing snapchats
lyrics that might be a clue...
but probably not.

your instagram posts
are they carefully chosen
like mine are for you?

wish I could tell you
the feeling’s not mutual
give up on me now

I might lava you
but my eruption could burn
you’re safe somewhere else

Jesus, stop changing
whenever the lighting shifts
you chameleon

Sometimes I miss you
But why waste precious brain space
Thinking about trash

is there a reason
is it for pleasure or fun
that you mess with hearts?

****; missed the deadline
The spot in your heart’s been filled.
I’ll be alright...right?

Didn’t realize the length of my hair determined what was underneath.

Waking up with a hangover is said to be one of the worst feelings in the world.
But waking up with a broken heart from the night before is much worse.
Drinking a warm cup of black coffee does not get rid of heartache like it does a headache.

Happy birthday to you
Did you know we love you
We miss you, dear father,
And we hope you do too.

Live it up in heaven
You should visit us again
We think about you always,
And we hope you do too.

Pretend
Like everything’s the same
Pretend
I’m not going insane
Pretend
This Sunday’s just another day
Pretend
I won’t be crying your name
Pretend
I never had a dad
Pretend
Because then it won’t hurt so bad
Pretend
I haven’t bought presents in the past
Pretend
Cause Father’s Day isn’t supposed to be sad.

She guarded her heart with her head
Because she’d rather have that hurt instead
It’s easier to rationalize away her feelings
Rather than actually allow herself to feel things

Her heart tries to speak
It barely squeaks
Her heart is too weak
So she keeps the key

And when her head hurts it retreats in fear
But her heart is so shriveled that no one can hear
All of her issues exposed, as was guessed
She believed them, but now doubts this was best

Unable to defend
She meets a dead end
Locked in cement
She follows the same trend
Til her bitter end.

Swimming in honey is impossibly difficult.
Unless you don’t know it’s honey.
In ninth grade I started dating this guy.
I dove into the deep end with him and broke out into a sprint.
It took eight months to reach the other side,
eight months until the sweetness seeped into my teeth,
eight months until I recognized the bitter potential of this swimming pool.
Swimming in honey is impossibly difficult.
Unless you don’t know it’s honey.
My mind has always raced and I never had an issue with it,
up until the moment I was thrown a life raft.
It’s impossible to tell how sticky your situation is when all you’ve ever known is under the nectar.
Swimming in honey is impossibly difficult.
Unless you don’t know it’s honey.
We’ve been friends for so long that’s all I’ve ever thought of you as.
Yet after my thousandth lap you dragged me out of the pool, scraped away the syrup, pointed out to the place I had been for so long and told me
“Honey, I love you.”
Swimming in honey is impossibly difficult.
Unless you don’t know it’s honey.

drowning in honey is incredibly easy.
unless you know it’s honey.

hopeless romanticism
is an endless pit
of effortless falling
but reckless hypnotism

If we were a symphony,
Bach or Tchaikovsky
would have so much trouble
writing you and me.
Obscurity and dissonances,
memories of resonances,
held together by half cadences--
for we know a perfect cadence ends,
and our piece isn't finished yet.
Appoggiaturas to the next beat,
steps and skips short and sweet.
No need to hold fermatas long
we've got more time and more of a song.

If you love me,
Or ever did,
I beg you to stop.
Usually it would be the opposite
But as much as I hate being broken,
I hate being the one to break even more.
Before, I encouraged you to take the leap—
As long as it’s not me,
Be my guest.
I know how much loving in silence hurts,
But if you love me so much you’d understand why I value your silence.

I guess I’m not as good as her.
I guess I don’t deserve a chance.
I guess I’ll be okay.
I guess.

I had a reality where we got back together.
And I really wish that
I could have realized it was a dream
It was only my head playing tricks on me.
Unfortunately,
For you
It only helped me realize that I’m completely over my feelings
And my brain is lying to me when it convinced me that
I’m still in love with you
It’s true that
I couldn’t have been happier
I had a dream where we got back together.

(now read from the bottom to the top.)

I want to wake up.
So I try to sleep.
Counting sheep,
one two,
what more can I do?
Three four,
please don't fight anymore.
Five six,
I'm going to be sick.
Seven eight,
I start to hyperventilate, screaming the only way I know how
without making any sound.
I breathe in and out, crying out,
'I don't want to hear it anymore
don't make me listen to it anymore
why are you making me listen to it more?'
I pray to a God I'm not sure exists,
I ask for forgiveness,
I beg and plead Him to take my family on a leash
and lead us to victory.
I can't afford to lose my family.

I met a man today
He looked me up and down and said
“Well aren’t you the finest little lady I’ve seen?”
I smiled and laughed, as forced as it was,
But quickly continued on my way, because—
He must have been crazy, seeing things maybe—
From my sweats to my ugly, can’t he see I value safety?

it was mine
all mine
poetry was mine
my "thing"
yet you took it
i'm not special anymore

you were mine
all mine
no one else's but mine
my "person"
yet you left me
i'm not special anymore

blue was mine
all mine
only my color
my "shade"
yet you took it
i'm not special anymore

music was mine
all mine
only my chords and words
my "passion"
yet you took it
i'm not special anymore