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Penguin Poems Oct 12
One call,
I need to last one call without her.
One call without her screaming,
Incessant pleading,
That I’m better by myself.
I bury her deep, distracting her with nonsense about how
They probably won’t pick up anyway,
It won’t work anyway,
It’s hopeless anyway,
While dialing each number as fast as I can,
Before she comprehends what each number means
Each digit like a deep breath I couldn’t take before,
As I countdown the seconds until my freedom.
She looms closer and closer to the surface in the space between each dialing tone,
Itching at my fingertips to end the call once and for all.
When a voice replaces the silence,
She freezes,
Out of reasons to continue.
The voice on the other end cannot hear my triumphant smile,
only my stutter, as I begin to speak,
Every syllable another benchmark towards victory.

When I hang up the phone, it is not because she told me so.
It is because I won the battle I fought for so long.
Penguin Poems Oct 12
Sedate me
Medicate me
Feed me pills until you break me

At some point the spinning has to cease
But when it does, who will I be?
When the constant shaking of my leg stops,
Will I be shoved into your box?
Do I exist outside of my habits,
Or does my identity require I have it?
Is there anything left that’s special about me
When I give in to treatment?
Penguin Poems Oct 12
I remember useless things
Like how your hand fit in mine
Good to know at the time
But reduced
To uselessness now that you’re gone.

I remember useless things
Like our very first date
How right after we ate
We sat in the parking lot
Laughing a lot
At something you said that I can’t quite recall.

I remember useless things
That hurt to think back to
Like how you used to kiss me,
That you used to miss me
When you used to miss me
Yeah, you used to miss me
Unbelievable now
Just like it was at the time.

I remember useless things
That I wish I could forget
Wish I could forget that you cared
That you were ever even there
Because you really weren’t there
No, you were never there
And there’s something about that that stings
But I forget why.

I remember useless things.
And forget all the rest.
The things that don’t matter
Lay heavy in my chest
And I can’t forget.
Because I only remember useless things.
This sounds better as a song in my head, & I’m not sure if it sounds the way that I want it to when written down
I met a man today
He looked me up and down and said
“Well aren’t you the finest little lady I’ve seen?”
I smiled and laughed, as forced as it was,
But quickly continued on my way, because—
He must have been crazy, seeing things maybe—
From my sweats to my ugly, can’t he see I value safety?
Sometimes things look better blurry
At least that’s what my mirror told me
When I took my glasses off today.
Sometimes things look better fuzzy
Like right after crying, eyes puffy
Because you didn’t really mean it anyway.
sometimes things look better hazy
The truth becomes a little less weighty
And easier to escape.
Your brain buzzes around sunflowers and in West Virginian clouds,
Around strings of old guitars and strings of shrimp flavored ramen,
Around calling me pretty and asking me to dance when we’ve just met,
Around your dog and your home and your friends that you love oh so much,
And it mesmerizes me because
I’ve never loved the way someone talks about themselves as much as when you do.
I think sometimes I miss you.
Rarely, on occasion, because
It’s hard to admit,
But once in a while I miss you a little bit of a whole lot.
When I hear your name in conversation it’s easy to brush off
But harder to bury when I’m alone.
Sometimes I’m prepared to miss you.
But I can’t.
For some reason the timing’s not right,
I can’t will myself to cry,
So I choke it down and switch to internal bleeding for a while.
When I’m ready, I miss you.
When I’m not, I miss missing you.
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