i want to live by the sea.
i can imagine myself at the shore for eternities.
even now,
i can hear the waves calling me,
like i'm meant to be there with them.
i want to live by the sea.
nothing is more calming that the waves crashing by your feet.
small hiccups of water that never seem to end.
i want to live by the sea.

i've been wanting to lay under a tree the past week.
laying underneath a blanket and watching the sunlight beam their hands through the openings of leaves.
i want to lay there and watch the branches sway,
slowly taking my worries and unwanted thoughts with every blow of wind.

i kept flying away until you looked like a very small bug beneath me.
i didn't want to deal or feel so i flew.
i kept flying higher and higher,
the more i couldn't breathe, the wider my smile got.
i couldn't hear you screaming my name or the clutter of everybody.
flying,
flying,
flying
flying away.

the first time i saw you that day,
your eyes were red and beneath them were puffy.
you blinked slowly and stared off into nothing.
i'm sure you were thinking of either nothing or everything,
maybe both at the same time.
i couldn't help but reach out to hold your hands.

i could scream for hours on end and you still wouldn't look at me.
even in a room full of people, all corners of my heart feel empty.
it's gotten almost impossible to feel your words that have so much into them.
for me,
my heart and my soul and my body is tired of fighting.
there's blisters and bruises that cover my body from fighting demons that will always cling to my arms.
at the bottom of this well,
i can't see the sky that's given me hope.
there seems to be no light left and it's moments like these where i regret staying for this long,
it's moments like these where i'm positive that i shouldn't be here.

it's mother's day, mom.
growing up, i stayed glued to your side.
a mother's boy, some would say.
i loved, and still do, love the scent of your perfume,
there was no other smell like it.
summer mornings of us going to garage sales with my grandmother.
summer nights spent with you and dad,
watching t.v,
i couldn't ask for more.
you were my first bully.
for a long time and even sometimes now,
i blame you for the way i look at myself and life.
but nonetheless, you gave me life.
you being alive and seeing you go through everything has taught me that no matter what,
i need to keep growing and staying strong.
mom, thank you for telling me you still love me even when the taboo topic of depression came up and caused me to have those "bad years",
you'd call them.
thank you for loving me.
i love you, no matter what.

it felt like it all went away in half a second.
when i looked at you,
i didn't see light anymore.
i saw a body with a personality.
i felt like i didn't know you anymore.
nothing fell,
my world did not collapse,
instead, everything went still and all i could hear is our breathing in the silence between us.

so i changed everything,
in the moment i cut off my hair,
rearranged my room,
put up pictures that haven't seen sunlight since That day,
set a new set of goals,
drank another glass of lemon water,
cleaned the living room, the kitchen, washed the dishes, cleaned both bathrooms.
i changed everything and microcleaned every surface in hopes to change my fate.
but will it?
i started to run out of things to say, places to clean, hair to cut,
then that growing feeling washed over me again and numbness made their home inside my skin.

your eyes held galaxies.
i will never forget the way you held me close,
the way i held you close.
why would i want to forget someone who i loved so deeply?
looking up at you back then,
i would've dropped everything to be with you.
i still would if you asked me to.

i can breathe.
i can confidently say that with you,
i can be happy.
i'm happy.
you've been the best thing that's ever happened to me
and i know it seems like a big promise but
i promise to never leave your side.
i will be here,
supporting you
and loving you with everything i have in me
for your smile and existence gives me the strength to live.
i'm here for you,
i'm here because of you.
i'll forever be in debt to you and i'll make you proud.
happy birthday,
you've grown so much.
you're not afraid to love anymore.
happy birthday,
You are heaven sent.
you smell of honey and flowers.
your heart is as pure as snow.
there are galaxies in your eyes
and every time you speak it's like i'm seeing color again.
happy birthday,
because of you
i love,
i live.

dear my beloved,

i'm writing to you now to say goodbye.
the pain has gotten too much and i wish to run away,
again.
for if we come across each other in the future naturally,
i ask you to hug me and hold me close.
lord knows i need it.

perhaps you can't find me,
i'll be in paris.
every afternoon, i'll drink wine on my balcony.
i'll look for you at the stars and if you wish to not look for me,
remember me for the least.

my love, this has all come to an end
but i really do pray that you wish to find me.

goodbye for now, my love.

from your forever love:
L

in two hours,
i will be 18.
i'm claiming this to be the birthday that i am New.
completely new.
the past was never lived,
i was never that person,
i am not that person.
i am now,
i am love,
i am growth,
i am New,
completely new.

finally 18,
so utterly terrified yet relieved,
finally 18.
i am New,
i am 18.

i always imagined my first love, how i'll meet them, what i'd be doing. most of this i've just interpreted from reading books and what i see in movies. what can i say, i love all that cheesy romantic, "love at first sight", crap. i've never imagined what they'd look like because it can literally be anyone, i think that's both beautiful and nerve wrecking.

let me paint you the vision i've been visioning for a while, or at least one of the visions.

it's autumn or winter. i'm in a coffee shop. all you can hear and smell are normal coffee shop things. orders being made, names being called out for those orders, chatter, keys from laptop keyboards, and of course the smell of coffee dancing in the air. the smell under our noses and eventually, it sticks to the clothing i'm wearing.

i look up and there they are.

beautiful and completely ordinary. but not ordinary to me,
they're light and everything in between and out of this world.

absolute perfection.

as i exhale, it seems almost as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that leaves me feel uncertain and foreign.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it'd become a home for me
but it's still not me,
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breathe isn't normal.
i stared into nothing as i breathed like this,
my limbs would sometimes go numb and the world would move in slow motion,
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts
,and as much as i should,
i liked it.
i liked feeling nothing, the uneasiness of my breathe would somehow comfort me.
i could forget for 5 seconds and sometimes that was enough.

you kept telling me i was your favorite,
i wanted to ask you what that meant every time but when you spoke
it wasn't on my mind anymore.
you make all the nervousness in the pit of my stomach go away,
my hands don't feel so shaky anymore,
and my brain feels clearer.
in front of me, all i can see is
You.
and you're so beautiful.

you are the outside of my box,
the voice outside of my head.

those three words feel like home and these eggshells aren't as scary and
in fact, they're imaginary.

it's late nights. squeaks. bears. bad jokes. good jokes. impersonations. i love you's and i love you more's. reading you poetry. cheeks turning red and me covering my face even though you can't see it. coming down together and then sighing together, "i love you".
7am crying together of one of the most beautiful moments in life.

he was right, there are voices outside of my head too and yours beat mine like a marching drum.
"i love you, i love you!"
tiptoeing and eyeing down every move,
you smiled every time i inspected your brain
and
hi, yes, is there something wrong with me for how calm i can be about all of this?

every night you grabbed me from each side of my face,

and no, no, there's nothing wrong with me.

this is trust, this is loving, this is love,
this is new!
i forced myself to break the cycle and i thought breaking down my walls would force me to meet .... something else, someone else.
but it's you,
it's you!

i looked at you like i'm new to this and i am and am not.
you see, this heart has been passed around like friends chain smoking outside of a bar;
smaller than before, more beaten than before, everyone taking their turn.

but, i'm not that cigarette everyone takes a drag from anymore,
i'm not broken, you taught me this.

now you're sleeping on the other side as i watch the sky turn from black to blue to yellow to Us.
and i'm learning and you tend to this bruised heart even when you're not around. it beats for everyone but tonight, it's for you.

i miss you by the way, i know i told you a few hours ago but i'm telling you again how when you talk it looks like the sun shining through a tree's branches. and when we tell each other those three words, i feel secure and it's true. this is all true and new.

this is healing. this is stepping away from everything but what we are Together.

i can hear your breathing slow down as you drift away and i can hear the birds chirping outside. i'm tired and sleepy but this moment is too beautiful, this moment of pure love and pure joy.

this is healing, this is love.

today i listened to music.

not just any music but The music i would call my life
when i was younger.
there i sat,
singing along to songs that made me feel like i'm not underwater again,
sitting here almost 17,
looking out the window thinking "man they were right
when they said your worries now won't matter as much
in a few years".

today i listened to music
and realized i will never be that young, fresh kid
who knew about life at a way too young age.

it was all just to feel loved.
i thought the intimacy would last longer but when i finally looked up at him,
he was gone.
they kept finding me,
showered me with sweet nothings.
i kept turning into goo and they'd play with then give back.
because i wasn't anything to any of them except for a good time.

i realized so many things.

1. i have to stop starving myself
2. she isn't the people in my past who hurt me, things are different now
3. i have to continue letting go of things that make me sad
4. change is good

and for a moment,
a day or two,
maybe if i'm lucky a week or two,
the sky opened in two.
deciding that they had to keep me alive just to break me down again,
they let me breathe.
i understood what everyone was talking out,
the flowers, the feeling of the sun's warmth on your skin, the light at the end of the tunnel,
i understood it all.
and in this moment i hugged death and thanked them for  letting me breathe every once in a while.

even if you don't mean it,
hold my hand.
for i deserve happiness as much as the next.
we all do.
this life of pain and mind wired that the universe is in fact not on our side.
we need to breathe.
hand in hand,
i want to believe we can do this.
i told myself i would wait until december,
then came april and i couldn't leave before your birthday,
and this series of events is making me want to stay for september.
so even if you want to let go,
let me go in september.
i'll be okay by then.
read my words and forget the pain that was woven into my skin.
but stay with me,
we will smell every acacia in the world and the sun won't feel like a stick poking our side.
we will smile comfortably without doubting.
so hold my hand and lets wait.

i know who i am.
i know i'm boring and i'm not the brighest star in the sky.
you said you loved me and you said you cared.
that was until you found someone shinier and a correlating personality.
i know who i am.
i know i shouldn't, and i don't, expect you to stay by my side even when i want to draw blood.
but there was a part of me, a huge part of me,
that wanted you to stay.
that part of me felt like you're my soulmate.
so here i am,
i will love you from the backseat.

dear mother,

i've blocked out every memory of us together.
the scars that have been left will forever be visible.

it was one of those days to be silent.
the frustration and anger and sadness mixed in with each other that i could no longer tell what i was feeling.
but i knew i just needed to be silent.

i never wanted to go to sleep, i wanted to stay up and feel your cheeks under my fingertips,
i wanted to trace your face for eternity.
it was these moments where i was happy that i stayed.
out of every life i've lived,
this is my favorite one.
this is the most beautiful moment in life and i'm eternally grateful that you're in all of them.
every moment that has made my cheeks hurt from laughter
or every moment that i've cried from the overwhelming feeling of love in my heart
has been because of you.
i'm thankful for this.

i used to write about scars i can't see anymore,
i would tear open and salt wounds in hopes of a piece that i could but would never fully be proud of.
these pieces i wrote held me down and made my feet drag throughout these hallways and,
i'm not doing that anymore.
i'm starting to remember who i was at birth,
who i am when i'm in my happiest state and not even my demons can drag me back down to the hell i used to light.
i love,
and i smile.
i used to write so much about who i used to be that i started to miss it when i couldn't write anymore.
my mind lived at more than four years back,
i relived my darkest days over and over when i couldn't see the sun in the morning.
i'm not doing that anymore.
last year, i lost my best friend,
my favorite person in this entire world,
my sun and my moon and my stars,
i believed the earth spun for him and solely him and i still do.
losing him made me lose my hope.
and for that time,
there were more dark days.
there were fresh wounds and igloos made of tissues and blankets.
i will miss him forever but i will live in his honor.
i'm holding my head up high and i will love and admire the earth until i meet my Everything again.
i used to write about the bad days,
the cloudy days,
the days where i cried on my bedroom floor,
the days where i burst out in tears during a normal day in class because i just couldn't do This anymore.
i'm not doing that anymore.
i've learned and seen how beautiful this world can be.

i used to want people to notice, for them to look at me.
everything  i did used to be a cry for help.
that was until,
no one helped me.
they stared at me like an animal in a cage and just
looked
at
me.
everything i do now is for me.
it  always catches me off guard when a friend reaches out to hold my hand on the table.
"is everything okay?"
i wish they would all live their lives.
please don't be concerned for me.

i've always had a love for you.
although i've visited you a handful of times,
you're still as beautiful as when i met you the first time.
the sounds of your running waves crashing against the soft sand
pulled my heartstrings.
in those moments, there was no bad times.
i've forgotten what pain felt like in your presence.
thank you sea.

from one of many admirers,
moon.

finally awaken.
they might know what i mean,
they might never know.
but i know that this is a new page,
a new book,
completely new book.
it feels different this time.
the more and more i live,
the more i realize that this was all for a reason even if it feels like it wasn't.
i'm awake.

december first and i'm reminded in a few weeks,
it'll be three years since you left.
there's been a part of me missing since you've been gone that i've tried to replace with other things.
these things have been other people or substances that made me feel like you were still here and like i felt before it all happened.
but three years,
time has gone by so fast yet i know i'll have to wait more until
i see you again.

you were everything right,
everything perfect.
i couldn't muster up greater words than,
'i love you'.
you are the sun after the rain,
the breezes in autumn that make me feel like i'm supposed to be here,
the white trees at the edge of spring.
no flower could compare to you.
your overflowing passion,
and compassion
made me feel alive.
jaw dropped and heart open,
i knew you are the one,
you were always the one.
i don't know how i've managed to live without you all this time.  
my last puzzle piece,
the person who tied everything together.

you can't take it away from me.
i won.
i was strong and i won.

four in the morning, the trees are breathing and i'm in sync.
took me forever to start liking the side of my face but i'm doing it.
the glow and the light that i see in my peripheral is a sign, it all feels like signs and this path i'm paving is mine.
the sun hasn't come up but i smell the morning air, it's a mix of grass and nostalgia and safety.
it's my mom waking me and my sisters up to go to my grandmas,
it's church camp,
it's garage sales and littlest pet shop and monster high and bratz.
took me forever to start just Being and Living but i'm doing it.
i've always liked the silence before we begin again, before we're born again.

the blue morning sky reminded me of when i used to religiously listen to twenty one pilots.
how i'd stay awake in utter sadness and fright.
i never realized the sun came up until the lamp in my room wasn't the only thing providing me light anymore.
anathema would save my life over and over again.
i remember feeling sad as i was asleep,
i'd wake up crying just like how i fell asleep.
i missed everything and nothing at the same time.
i wanted everything to end.
i hated seeing the morning sun,
i hated that i gave myself another chance at life,
over and over again.
my room is so different now,
looking around.
the only thing that's the same is my headboard.

you were on the other side of the mirror,
our hands followed each other.
i wanted to reach in front of me for you.
your eye filled with sadness and emptiness.
i just wanted to hold you.
slowly and slowly,
you faded away.
my throat closed up and the tip of my nose stung when i could no longer see you.
please,
for once,
come back to me.
hold my hand and i'll tell you you'll be okay.
don't be far away.
now all i can do is share the moon with you.
who's holding your hand now?
who's comforting you when you feel alone?
please,
don't leave me alone.

cherry colored lips,
sun made freckles,
eyes that are and will always be the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen.
i didn't know life until i met you.
i didn't know love until you showed me.
i feel lucky enough to have found you and held you.
with you,
i can hear the calming sounds of the sea,
the rain sounds beautiful when i'm with you not sad,
i can see me alive two years from now.
you are my muse and i will never let you die as long as they read my words.
our love will be infinite,
we will be infinite.

i liked standing in line for hours.
it depended the season but it always seemed to rain.
i remember once my thighs just getting soaked,
i didn't mind it because of how happy i felt.
the growing excitement inside me overpowered any feeling of discomfort from my wet clothes.
then they scanned my ticket,
i remember running to get as close to the barricade as i could.
the ground was cold,
i remember that.
again,
i didn't mind it.
then the lights went dark.
everyone yelled and screamed in happiness.
the moment we were all waiting for.
i remember all of us singing in unison.
everything felt okay,
it felt like This moment was the only moment that mattered.
all the ******* and all the pain was gone,
leaving through our jumping feet.
everyone crowded and closed into each other,
our natural heat made us sweat but
we didn't mind it.
at times it felt suffocating,
when it went quiet,
the world seemed to stop.
i remember someone holding my hand as i stood there as everyone jumped.
this ethereal feeling and ethereal moment was paralyzing,
the squeezing hand held mine and i knew this moment was the most beautiful moment in life.

ever since the first time i watched ---, i imagined what my afterlife would be like. i never tell this to anyone but i hope it's a garden, with yellow flowers. i write about the sun's heat that doesn't make your sweat or irritated, and i hope that sun is there too.

a part of me wants to be alone and just stay there, until my world dies too. a part of me wants me to be with j, with my little brother, with my grandmother, i think that afterlife would be perfect.

every night recently, i've hoped it's my last. closing my eyes every night, only to see your face, makes me hope that they'll stay closed so i can see you every second again.

but i wake up again. and my dreams of my afterlife, the yellow flowers, the sun, my loved ones, are all gone. again.

it grew and grew until i couldn't sink into my chair anymore.
this growing anxiety that flared up inside me whenever someone walked past me.
irrational
and confusing
but real,
very real.
paralyzed where i was sitting,
i couldn't even lift my head.

this can't be happening.

this wasn't happening.

as she called my name, everything went silent
and everything stopped.
deer in the headlights,
i shook this feeling off and smiled,
i'm okay.

you're so precious and dear to me.
you've inspired me in every way and you've made me want to be alive.
but it's moments like these were i really miss you
and i miss you all the time.
i will never feel whole again until we meet again in the skies.
and i'm okay with that because we have a chance of seeing each other again.

i really miss you
and i love you with all my heart.
there isn't a thing or person in the world that i love more than you.
i miss you.

i could stare at the leaves in the trees for what it seemed like eternities.
this one hour of being one with the trees felt like my whole lifetime.
everything felt silent in my head and i didn't mind the ache in my legs anymore.

the disconnect seemed to push me further and further to myself.
the word seemed dark again
and there was nothing for me to hold on onto,
nothing for me to keep me grounded.
everything and everyone felt so far away.
i could hold my friends hands and they could touch my shoulder but i still didn't feel here.

divine intervention.
that's what it really was.
i kept seeing 333 everywhere and when i met you,
time stopped and i saw universes being made in your eyes.
the light that surrounded you made my jaw drop
every
time.
it's been over 4 years and you're still 1, 697 miles away.
nonetheless,
what we have is real.
more real than anything.

cherry blossoms.
in this still,
you can feel the spring wind blowing at every blossom hugging the branch.
behind it,
a blue, clear sky.
the kind of blue that makes you happy you went outside.
in this still of a cherry blossom tree,
i can see a park were picnics are taking place.
children throwing a frisbee,
not knowing or caring of the pain and hurt outisde this park.
cherry blossoms.
proof of spring.
spring where everything blossoms,
where all is beauty and seeing butterflies near the grass makes you forget.
but this still,
this still of cherry blossoms,
is proof that spring will come again,
and i'll be okay again.

once telling someone me,
who i am,
it's always "how did you know?".
i didn't.
i knew who i was like you knew that pants where worn on legs or that love is both amazing yet disastrous,
i just knew who i was.

i think i'm going to die soon.
dad, why am i waking up at four in the morning wanting to die?
is there something wrong with me?
for i'm taking the moonlight shining in my bedroom as a sign that i belong up there.
guilt, shame, and embarrassment filled my lungs and i breathed the breath you called me "strong" for.
i sure as hell don't feel strong.
i feel like the universe loosened the noose.
i think i'm going to die soon.
maybe physical,
maybe spiritual.
it felt my head was being banged up against walls made of steel as i tried to find my reason and worth again.
i feel like i won't be here anymore.

becoming yours was and is my greatest accomplishment.
born from the same star and meeting again on this universe is destiny.

destiny,
us,
destiny and us,
two synonyms.

fate, soulmates, one in a million, a forever person, a forever chapter, whatever you want to call it
that's Us.

i remember not being able to hear myself when i spoke.
i looked at my friends reacting to my words i never heard.
it was all very confusing and very scary.
i let whatever covered my ears take over me,
at some point i stopped trying to fight it.
nothing could describe the feeling of when i could hear again,
having to repeat myself to catch up with the conversation i started.

my dad is kicking me out, he's been verbally abusive and i guess this was his next move to make my life miserable.

i have 83 cents to my name and he's kicking me out in a few days.

i hate to ask but if, whoever is reading this, has even a dollar to spare, it would help immensely. even a prayer would be appreciated, thank you so much.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

my cashapp is $blipofjoy

there is a part of me that i can't see anymore.
slowly but surely,
all the clouds that have once been glued to above me are moving and disappearing.
i can't say that i am just sunshine and light now
for there will always be parts of me,
deep down,
that are cloudy and dark.
there will be days where i feel small in my room
and i'm learning to be okay with that.