do you remember when we rode bikes together?
how we kissed under the rain like we were straight from a movie.
it felt like the sky parted in two and raindrops felt like diamonds above us, falling on us.
this is what loving you feels like.
it feels like late night coffee.
how you rest your chin in your hand and we doze off talking about nothing.
it feels like warmth,
every kind.
waking up in your arms, sitting in front of the fireplace, hugging you when i come home.
do you remember when we cried watching that movie on our first date?
we talked about it all night, until the sun came up.
we copied the bird's songs outside and smiled.
oh how i knew this wasn't a mistake,
how i knew this wasn't a coincidence.

there is a part of me that i can't see anymore.
slowly but surely,
all the clouds that have once been glued to above me are moving and disappearing.
i can't say that i am just sunshine and light now
for there will always be parts of me,
deep down,
that are cloudy and dark.
there will be days where i feel small in my room
and i'm learning to be okay with that.

we grew up together playing house,
i remember one night you called me your king and i called you mine.
it was nothing but a growing, childhood love.
my star projector let us count stars on my bedroom ceiling until we were old enough to sneak out, lay on park benches and count the ones in the sky.
our heads touching each other was the only thing that could help me fall asleep.
time never stopped for us,
even if it did feel like it when we held hands,
we grew taller and eventually,
not even the warmth of my arms was enough for you.
we grew up and apart.
i waited for you one summer night on that bench,
closing my eyes, pretending my hand touching the tip of my head was yours.
the sun began to rise and you never came.
i dreamt that you came and we counted the stars again.
i wanted to count your eyelashes again and see how many galaxies your eyes held again,
but i couldn't.
everything has faded again and
the only time i see you now is when i close my eyes.

you came and left my life quicker than i could tell anyone that you felt like home.
i should've known that because you felt like home that things would be broken and imperfect,
yet i still loved you and loved us.

i can't forget the first time i heard your voice.
i describe the moment as a moment that can never be forgotten but i can't even remember what you said.
you just sounded like an angel and even before that day,
i knew i wanted to be yours, that maybe,
just maybe,
we were meant to be.
but hearing your voice felt like the universe confirmed it.

maybe it's stupid young love.
both of us only 18,
barely 18,
and so in love like we knew what it was and what it meant.
but it felt like we invented it.
they'll never understand the electricity and warmth that was sent through your fingertips to mine.

we talked about grocery shopping together, cooking together, living together, loving together, being together,
forever
as if we weren't in different universes,
different books.
because that's where things went wrong again.
that was the second error in Us.

one, you felt like home.
two, we were both in different universes.

scars,
everywhere.
from my wrists to my thighs to my ankles.
if i close my eyes long enough i can remember what it felt like again.
i just wanted to be in control of something,
i just wanted to make sure that the pain i was feeling was real.
but now they're there forever.
shorts looks weird,
short sleeved shirts are weird.
my parents looked at me differently the day they found out,
begged me to show them the things i did to myself.
i just wanted them to hold me.
my dad didn't talk to me for months,
i don't know why.
was he scared? did he just not know what to do or say?
diverted eyes and clothing that covered all skin for years and years.
scars,
everywhere
that remind to this day of the years i spent trying to simply just Feel anything else but numbness.
i just wanted to be held.

flowers and bright and light and love,
so much love,
and the people that i would die for in less than a heartbeat.
so much love and smiles.
this dark room holds so much light that feels like hope when it touches my heart.
and you,
you are the stars and beautiful autumn days.
you are loving and living inside every action i do,
i do it all for you.
this life doesn't seem scary right now.
and this pearl aqua color that consumes the blood in my veins in the most beautiful way.
i'm alive and i'm breathing and in this moment,
there is no hurt.
in this moment,
there is no worry or fear of what's to come.
my life, right here, right now,
is flowers and aqua blue and love and warmth and life and
love.

the anxiety that made no sense ate from the inside out.
before i knew it i felt a sting in my fingers and realized i was picking at them again.
i watched blood rise from the raw muscle underneath the skin that was no longer there.
i pressed down on it with a tissue,
closing my eyes from the sting.
it hurt to bend my fingers.
a wave of shame and embarrassment washed over me,
i didn't want to show my hands anymore.

i took out everything that reminded me of you and put it on my bed.
things that were in hiding places so i wouldn't come across it in my everyday life,
i can't risk overthinking about you again.
these are just things yet they hold years and memories inside of them.
they used to look bright and carry light but now looking at them,
they're dull.
looking at them now,
i don't see your face or the year behind it,
they're just Things now,
Objects now.
they feel light in my hands,
no longer weighing me down from new objects that are to come.
ready to let go,
i pack them all in a box,
laying each one carefully on top of each other.
i'm starting to forget the sound of your voice but i'll never forget how it made me feel.
i sealed that box up tight,
hugged it once last time,
and put it on the curb on this bright thursday morning.
i'm letting go.

i stared at it.
it's been over two weeks since i've written a piece and it's been over a month since i continued my book.
hopeful that it'd move and let me write,
like the way my cat likes to sleep on my keyboard.
please move.

i could breathe again.
the world stopped,
all i could see when i closed my eyes were
trees swaying gracefully in the wind.
i could see mountains in the distance.
mountains with snow covered peaks,
not melting even when the sun shined on us.
my hands touched the grass beneath my feet,
letting every blade of grass slip their way inbetween my fingertips.
this is the most beautiful moment in life.
right here,
right now.
it was all happening again,
but this time different.
this time was forever.
i held the galaxies in my the cups of my hands
and i felt the universe's kiss on my cheek.
i want to be here.
i could breathe again,
unafraid.

the trees danced in the wind,
their families of branches moving to the east.
it all looked like a computer image.
you know, those default computer homescreens?
so beautiful and they all look so far away yet so close.
and then there was you.
i could see your face rounding the corner,
the freckles on your lips made me forget how to walk.
you,
the way your nose scrunches up when you laugh and you close your eyes so tightly i feel like my heart is going to burst.
i want to sit on my porch with you on a fine autumn day.
we'd be cloud watching.
you'd be cloud watching and i'd be watching you.
wondering how in the world
we found each other.
you're my sea.

yeah i guess you can say that they're old.
i mean, they've been there for over 20 years.
20 years.
i grew up with those couches.
i remember eating a bowl of strawberries then falling asleep on that couch.
those were the couches that i sat on while i heard my parents arguing.
the same couches that family sat on at christmas parties and childhood birthday parties.
all my cousins and siblings and i watching cartoons,
we sat on Those couches.
i always throw things away,
rearrange my room,
but this is bigger than than.
it's hitting me that,
these couches,
will no longer be.
"out with the old, in with the new."
this is part of the new chapter.
more memories,
hopefully more good ones.
yeah i guess you can say that it's about time
but,
they were ours.

so,
couches,
thank you.
thank you for being the home and sleeping bed for me and my family on those lonely nights.
thank you for being simply there.
good bye

"it's okay.
grades don't mean everything.
you'll be okay, stop stressing out over small things that can be fixed.
it's okay to cry over nothing.
do you want a hug?
in a few years, this won't mean a thing.
breathe, deep breaths.
it's okay,
you'll be okay."

his name was luis.

i loved him for over seven years.
i fell deeper and deeper and for the first time in my life,
i was okay with it.

he is beyond beautiful.
i could write about when our hands touched or the way my face would get hot when we locked eyes under the moonlight.
i could write about him forever.

there is no one more beautiful than he is.
for he is all the stars in the world.

he is everything into one.

so absolutely and utterly
beautiful

for the first time in years,
i feel loved.
the gates of my heart opened and i feel the love of my friends and family again.
i feel reunited with myself.
i accept myself and all that comes with me.
the rain doesn't sound sad anymore.
i look forward to waking up,
even if i'm unproductive.
the tears soaking my eyelashes feels like love and happiness.

i woke up from my nap feeling like i couldn't breathe.
i paced around my room as i downed the two day old water.
looking at everything made my heart race,
i could feel my heart thump through my chest.
it made its way up to my throat and i couldn't breathe anymore.
my pacing got slower and eventually, i stopped in my steps.
my hands roamed beside me for something to grasp on,
to keep me from falling.
everything felt overwhelming and the air i was breathing felt like it was closing my throat more.
by this time, tears have already made their way onto staining my grey shirt.
i laid down once again,
tears rolling off the sides of my face.
i wanted somebody to hear me,
to come into my room and hug me.
fresh air couldn't help me anymore.
i needed someone to slow my heart down.
pat my back and run their fingers through my hair as a way of telling me that what i'm feeling is real but won't last for long.
but no one heard me.
i tried opening my mouth to speak but all that came out where silent sobs.
i held myself and closing my eyes, pretending my arms where someone elses.

it was all falling into place.
the sun after the rain rose suspicion inside me but i'm actually trying to "be in the moment" like i was taught and told.
ignoring my mind convincing me of the lightest gray sky,
i smiled at the grass beneath me.
feeling how every blade glided between my fingertips,
how cold it was against my hand.
how i couldn't help but pay attention to my stomach twisting and turning in every direction,
the attention made it grin.

but it was falling into place, right?

it all felt like it was making my brain turn into mush,
crushing it together,
pounding it,
liquifying it.
"what are you going to do with your life?
what will you be?
who
will
you
be?"

i've almost forgotten what your voice sounds like.
i hate the way my dad acts when he's with his new lover,
it reminds me of how he would yell me for breathing.

the nerves of the first day of school are back.
for some reason,
these jitters brought out tears and anxiety.
i don't want to get back again,
i've been trying really hard to be okay.

you aren't alone in this.
it may seem like you've broken so many mirrors, these bad days will overlap your next life
but that's not the case.
you haven't broken anything,
you are not broken.
give it time.
and i know i always say that to you, "give it time".
you'll be okay one day.
look at everyone you love,
you And them have survived the darkest days
either alone or together.
you got this.
it's okay to fall down sometimes,
it's okay to let yourself lie there too.
but we both know you have the strength to get back up again.
you are loved.
you got this.

you make me want to buy a camera and capture every moment we share together.
loving you feels warm and looks like those cheesy scenarios of couples drinking coffee in a cafe.
i could look at you for hours,
my smile not leaving my face.

the shadows grew taller and i watched as the sun slowly yet gracefully fall back into the earth.
before it was completely gone,
i remember seeing its light being cast upon the ocean waves in front of us.
glistening and shining,
something that i don't think i could capture on camera.
we sat there,
not saying a word to each other but we understood everything.
the tips of our shoes became damp from the calm, crashing waves
hugging us.
the tips of our fingers touched and all i could do was close my eyes.
doing this, i relived
Us.

you saved my life.
you saved me from myself, from the bad, from the pain.
i can never thank you enough.
everything feels like a letter to you, because it is.
there will never be words to describe the how ******* good it felt to feel my heart beat again.
i couldn't be here without you.
the blood in my veins thanks you,
the healthy pounding of my heart thanks you.
thank you.

the moon was raining last night and i wanted to call you.
tell you about this felt better than the rain,
how no other feeling could compare to the moon falling on me.

it felt heavy and weird,
there were times where it would take my breath away,
leaving me gasping for breath
but i thanked it.

thank you moon for raining last night.
i captured every drop and put it in a jar.

all i can see is the sky.
it started out a bright pink dancing with the blue sky.
as my thighs started to cramp and beads of sweat started to race down my forehead,
the sky changed to the most beautiful orange that reminded me of the suit you wore that one time,
then dark blue.
the stars started taking their seats in our home,
shining and twinkling.
i felt every thought leaving through my fingertips.
my chest opened up to the wind and all the love the trees gave off,
i felt it all and held it as tight as i could.
all i could see streetlights as i rode home.

i just wanted you to hold me.
i just wanted to be held,
always be held.
there was nothing more important or on my mind when i was in someone's arms.
my head resting on the gape of their neck,
or buried in their warm chest.
there was something special about slowing my rapid breathing and matching it with someone elses.

what i be remembered for?
loving?
every time you'll hear my name,
what will you think of?
the secrets i kept?
the nights of years spent crying over wanting to be someone else?
or will you forget all of that and remember my eyes?
how we danced under the streetlight at one in the morning?
how we held each other?
maybe i don't want to be remembered.

there are still many things i have to do before i can say i'm free.
i have to let go.
let go of the people and moments and memories that keep me awake at night.
they aren't here anymore and i need to realize that.
i also have to forgive,
not only people in my life and past
but myself.
i can't keep beating myself down,
it hurts me and being my biggest bully isn't helping anyone.
i'm ready to love myself and accept my bruised past.
it doesn't hurt most days,
i need to let it heal.
life is different and i won't go back to that dark place when i have a bad day.
the flowers in my yard are growing again and the rain sounds beautiful to me again.
you don't know how long i've fought to be here,
writing and breathing to you.
i will be free.

i just wanted to feel here again.
i don't want to doubt that people love me.
i can't feel anything but this growing need to float away like a balloon in the sky.
i don't want to feel here,
i don't want to feel at all.

what am i supposed to do without you?
the rain doesn't sound the same,
all i can see and hear is That day we lost you.
"please text me when you see everything that happened.",
i can't unread that text from my best friend,
i couldn't stand nor eat.
i didn't think i could live anymore without you.
what am i supposed to do now that i won't see you anymore?
sometimes i doubt that i ever felt your presence,

i feel alone.

i didn't want to die anymore,
i just
wanted to be somewhere else,
someone else.
or at least fast forward a couple years.
me in college,
living in a small apartment with a friend or a lover.
it's raining in a couple years and i'll look up to the sky and smile.
i'll love and feel loved.
i wish time would go by faster.

this *** of coffee kept me awake,
it helped my eyes stay open as i watched the dark sky turn into hues of pink and light blue,
it always reminded me of cotton candy.
this *** of coffee,
i felt it's warmth go down my throat and splash around in my empty stomach.
oh how much i would love a cigarette right now.
the combination tastes terrible but, somehow,
it slowed down time.

when did it go?
did it leave the night you told me you loved me?

when and why did my head decide that what we had was no good anymore?

i can't bring it back.
no matter how much i wanted to, it all left.

i want to slip away into the darkness that covers and comforts me.
i want to become one with it,
slipping away from what is and what used to be.

one year, my love.
365 days without you.
my heart is dark today.
i miss your smile.
i miss seeing you everyday.
my baby boy, my best friend, my sun,
my moon,
my everything.
i keep clenching my teeth to keep sobs silent,
it's been like this for a year now.
i can still hear your laugh sometimes.
i swear i see you in a crowd of people sometimes.
i need you to hold me again,
to tell me i did well.
but you can't,
so i'll tell you.
my heart is forever yours.
these breaths i take are yours.
we'll see each other one day again,

dad,
i can never forget the vein on your forehead as you screamed and yelled,
the house shook as doors were slammed.
my childhood was made up of sounds of your car starting and your sighing as you told me to never end up like mom.

mom,
oh how you broke this all apart only to glue it together,
only to rip it apart again.
i can't get the sound of your crying out of my head,
it's always here,
it's mended into my head.
mom, i'm sorry.
you tried over and over again.
sometimes i'll smell the perfume you gave me that smells like you,
i never want to let you go.

i floated through your cosmos.
touching every star, every rock, every planet, even the pieces of wandering debris.
i liked yours much better than mine.
the pressure that always used to be in my head was no longer.
i looked at you and i looked at all of this and i could swear i heard a voice telling me to stay.
to stay for a little longer,
that i didn't have to let go.

so i didn't.
i held on tighter to you,
to all of this.
the stardust hugged us and we felt whole.
we danced with the stars and spun the planets ourselves.
we floated through Our cosmos.
loving and living as one.

tears filled my eyes looking at nothing,
thinking of everything.
every cork that filled a hole in my heart slowly popped itself out and i literally felt the rush of sadness through my body,
filling my veins,
intoxicating my mind once again.
is this what i'm meant to be?
sometimes i feel like a punching bag for everyone and myself.
i will beat myself down slowly then all at once.
i am not a best friend,
i am an enemy to myself.
this is how it'll always be right?
i wanted to slice open my skin and feel numb again,
i wanted to take a handfull of sleeping pills to feel numb again.
i can hear my parents fighting again.
i can feel how i felt when my own friends told me they never loved me.
i can see my older sister fighting my mother over everything again.
it all came back to me in what felt like a split of a second.
i was 12 again and as sad as i ever was.
i was 12 again,
sitting on my bedroom floor,
wishing that i would gather the courage through my sobs to finally end it.

and i should have.
i'm not meant to be here.

i always think about how love wasn't enough in the end.
how i'm still going to write my final note in tears,
not remembering the love that would once save me from being at This point.
how i'm still going to go to sleep and not wake up.
in the end, love wasn't enough.

i couldn't help but remember That day again.
"when you see what's going on, please text me."
how i called into work,
"my best friend passed away today. i can't come into work today.".
i couldn't stand up with wanting to fall back down.
i look up at the sky and ask you why?
why am i not up there with you?
why aren't you down here with me,
with us?
saying your name never got easier to say.
i didn't eat for days.
facing my family was the hardest part.
i wanted to talk to my dad about it,
about you.
i wanted him to hug me and tell me that you're still here,
looking down at us,
that you love us and we'll meet again.
i miss you dearly.

i watch the skin around my finger grow back only to pull it off again.
my fingers ache every morning,
and lately they ache holding a pencil.
this has taken over my life.
no, i'm sorry the reason why i can't shake or hold your hands is not because i'm sick but because i'm scared you'll see my hands and look at me with disgusted eyes,
or skin i haven't yet picked off will get caught onto yours.
i can't stop.
if you sat me in  a room with nothing,
my anxiety would grow and sooner or later the skin that has been brought to life again would end up on the floor.

the confusion in your eyes when i told you
"it just takes over me out of no where. i can't control it.",
the way your eyebrows furrowed,
the way your head tilted to the left ever so slightly,
you force out a forced chuckle.
you're uncomfortable with my mental health.
if i remember correctly,
You told Me that i could come to you,
i guess you didn't think twice.
but i understand.

at a young age, we learn to feel compassion and to give hugs when someone is crying.
at a young age, our parents teach us to pat our friends on the backs when their head is low.
and i know you're repeating words that you think will help,
it's all wired in our brains,
i know.
"it's okay.
you'll be okay.
time heals all the pain.
everything will be
okay."
and i know you're saying it because what are you supposed to say to your depressed friend who claims that sadness owns him.

i forced a tight lipped smile, gave a couple "thank you"s and
i saw your face soften.

the sound of snow being stepped on reminds me of us.
i liked the times where we would sit on the park bench in the dark and listen to silence,
occasionally talking.
the moonlight that kissed your face made you even more beautiful that you already were.

you're 15 years old today.

i remember holding you when mom brought you home from the hospital,
my little baby sister.
your small hand wrapped around my finger.
beautiful.

you started high school this year and i'm ready to hold your hand through it all.
you got this, girl!
i'll try with all my might to be there for you so you won't feel alone if you do.

three pairs of eyes on me when i was asked the questions,
"are you going to college?
what are you going to do with your life?'
back to back,
and as if they mattered,
as if those question really mattered.
i shifted in my seat and pulled down my sleeves.
i felt my face heat up and my hands wrapped themselves around my waist.

i just want to be free.
i just want to be me.
i want to wake up in the morning and not feel like my life will be a routine.
i want to help people and give back everything that the universe has given me.
i want to help myself and do the things i love.

i want to read my tarot cards,
i want to take care of the animals in my animal sanctuary,
i want to pick fruits and vegetables from my farm,
i want to write books,
i want to write for magazines and newspapers,
i want to paint,
i want to take pictures of everything beautiful,
i want to film everyday life,
i want to live.

my friends looked at me like there was something wrong with me when i said i wasn't afraid to die anymore.
how our school shut down and how after everything,
i listened to us go in a circle and share thoughts like,
"it opened my eyes. i'm happy nothing happened to us. i want to live, this life is worth living for."
i listened to them with envy and sadness.
when they all looked at me to agree,
i couldn't.
i told them it didn't matter to me.
usually saying these things would bring tears to my eyes,
but alana, ryan, jessica, emily,
i can't feel anything but sorrow and grief.
i told them how i would sacrifice myself to keep them alive.
"don't say that", they said.
but it's true.
they told me how they would stop coming to school if i departure.
i told them i didn't matter and to pretend like i never happened,
like i was never here,
real,
breathing.
i told them that my ashes deserve to be flushed down a toilet like the fishes that died 2 days after winning them from a fair.

because i am nothing.

i'm reaching out my hands to the night sky every night,
i don't know if you can see me giving you my heart but i'll do it until the end of my days.
your voice still sounds like honey and pillows.
your face is still how i remember it,
i remember falling in love with the chocolate brown color of your eyes
and how when you smiled your eyes shut tightly and your nose scrunched up.
so tonight,
like last night and the nights before,
i'm calling to you.
i smile saying your name and although there are tears of longing some nights,
i can hear you telling me to get back up again.
although i can't see you now,
i know that when our eyes meet again
i'll then know that this whole thing was worth it.

and as you spit venom at me,
i was looking for the nearest exit.
an exit that took me peacefully and painfully away.
an exit that sounded beautiful like the rain before That day.
an exit that i would never come back from.
hearing and feeling your footsteps fed my anxiety and all i could do was wait,
wait for you blowup against me.
you spit sweet venom that you knew would make me want to run,
you spit sweet venom that you knew would make me feel powerless,
helpless,
wrong,
unworthy.
but darling,
you'll never see me again after tonight.
no, no,
because I am backpacking the sky and meeting up with Him.
i will become a star in the sky but i won't shine for you.
you'll hear my voice and see my face in trees and on butterflies.
but walking here on this soil you burnt,
you will see me no more.

i couldn't focus because of the rain running into the window.
oh how the world was literally gray.
i could see the trees and pavement getting wet from where i was sitting.
i wondered where you were right now?
was this rain your tears?
i wanted to hold you.
i missed the way you cupped my face in your hands,
how your eyes healed me.
the rain brought me out of my trance of you and brought back to my body, to this world
without you.

i broke out in sobs.
everything was tinted the most beautiful yellow from the setting sun.
the windows were halfway rolled up,
i screamed.
i couldn't help but pull over and hold myself.
i hugged myself so tightly
until it began to feel like it was your arms.