The look in your eyes
when you look at me
fills me with ice and mice
that feed
on my inside out
heart of stone
that was carved and and broke
to fit a mold
All Girls Like Me
colored hair, only smoke to breathe
have death in site
cuts ready to bleed
but if I could stare like this for even one minute more
my black inside
could break to the floor
the black will fade to a light shade of grey
then lighter and brighter
the longer I stay
you talk about pasts and
how things have changed
how I might have been hurt
but I’m not so deranged
I say “I’m not as great as I may seem.
my insides are dark. black the only color scheme”
“that's not true” you say holding my face.
“you’re more than that. there's no black in your space”
I disagree up and down
I can’t tell you how often I drown
in my heart and mind
I’ve been dead for years
how long it's been
since I’ve shed any tears
but since this heart of mine
met yours
I see all sorts
of open doors.
I hope one day to find
what color you see
for my broken mind
All Girls Like Me
are meant to run
but what should I do
now that that's no fun?

Tonight,
like every night,
is the night I will lay
awake in bed till 7 am
while my brain makes
conclusions and draws
assumptions out of every
little thing I've ever done in my life.
Then the fears creep in.
The ones about whether I will
ever be a successful member
of the human race or if I'll just crash and burn
like my sister before me.
whether I will look at myself
the same way she did
when she thought of her two
beautiful children as she stuck
that last needle into her veins.
and I fear that love isn't real.
I fear its not real for me.
The last person who told me they
loved me probably meant it
but i didn't say it back.
I didn't say it back.
He looked at me as though
he understood but
I held his soul in my fingertips.
He looks at me now and I wonder
if he feels empty just as
empty as I do now.
I fear if I say those words things will
fall apart. I fear I will not feel
love enough to follow
in my sisters footsteps.
I fear I will be close enough
to him that our souls will cross
I fear we could be happy and I fear
once it happens it'll all fall apart
like all the others before him.
I fear the universe crashing and
burning around me
as my thoughts run around like
rabid dogs
biting every inch of
my insides that they can.
I breathe in the smoke
of sad tobacco and
feel nothing.
I light another and feel nothing
I feel nothing so often
Maybe I can't recognize when
I actually feel something.
I've felt like nothing for so
long how can I
love like before.
Sometimes.
I wish my sister and I
were closer.
not just half.
being related and being
family have no correlation
yet why do I worry
I will be influenced by her.
Tonight.
This morning.
I start my day.
I continue
as though the ghosts watching
me tear through my skin
leaving gaping sores
and cuts that I can feel
but my face stays calm.
I keep walking.
If he says he loves me tomorrow.
like I think he will
I won't say it back.
but I'll feel something.
so maybe it’s worth it.
Maybe I'll recognize how to feel
something again.

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how to keep a girlfriend for longer than
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thats all women are good for.
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any man who asks
jokes about belonging in the kitchen?
here is the place to tell them
for the low
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we will frolic in the land of
misogyny with you
and gallivant in your
precious simplistic
brain stem
that begs the question
“with all these women,
will *** be included in this package deal”
of course the answer is yes!
here thats all women are good for anyways!
why not pry precious
gifts from our fingers
and violate the precious
sanctity that you, yourself
yes you too!
hold so dear.
why not allow the basic ******* of
the privacy bubble to those
weaker than you.
its okay.
we don’t even feel offended
when you cat call us anymore.
we take it as compliments and
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and say to ourselves in confidence
that our bodies are worth looking
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We boast about it to friends and think
that someone finally sees us
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We were expecting you anyways.

When I was young,
my mother held me close
and I wouldn’t leave her side
and when I was young,
my father would take sips
of poison and call out to us.
When I was young,
my friends would come and go
like seasons and lovers
would come and go even more
frequently.
When I was young,
my hips were too big and
so was my chest and so was
my stomach.
When I was young,
I was called promiscuous.
A worse variation with the same meaning
but tell me how
an 8 year old child can be
promiscuous.
When I was young,
my only connections to home
were broken by drugs and anger.
All that is left there
are the disheveled remnants of family
who cared more about drugs
than salvation anyway.
But whats the difference.
When I was young,
I was left alone and shouted
at for it.
When I was young,
I was told thoughts of suicide
were unhealthy
but then why had I always had them.
When I was young,
I wished for the day when
I wouldn’t have to wake up anymore
I haven’t been young
since I was 8.
Now I am older.
I can say all this without
the slightest breath
of sadness on my lips.
Sadness still runs
through me like
rivers of cold melancholy
and I dream of a day when
I can say all this
with the taste of
an emotion in my mouth
because that means I
can open up again.
It means love exists.

Lost at sea
Alone in my fears
Everyone has gone to bed early but I stay up for days on end
Tortured by day.
Solace is in the silence
That night brings
But it's dangerous or a
Woman to walk alone at night.
Funny how my genitals are an excuse
For everything I try to achieve
Cotton candy bubblegum
Doesn't fill my veins.
I am also not a closeted
*******
Just because my face is pierced
And my hair is bright.
I am not an object.
I am not a thing to be taken.
A thing to poke at with sticks
To see if I bleed sweetness.
No one cares.
No one takes the time to look
At my face without noticing
My chest first.
I bleed the same as you
Sir.
Please don't touch me
Sir.
Stop
Sir.
SIR.
Get off my appearance.
Care for once.
Not about my looks but
The flesh and bone
You are prodding
With sticks.
I only have so much
Blood to show you.

My head hurt
From the ache of
Pain ****** upon me
By those before so
When you told me my
Smile was something
People write books about
I melted.
I'd never met
Someone who didn't only
Want me for a
Short time or
**** around with no strings.
I've never had someone
Look at my scars
And call them perfect
Because they lay
On my skin. MY skin is
Perfect to someone.
We don't stop talking
Till 3 am and you
Look at me and ask
How I exist outside
Of heaven.
It's lame.
But you mean it.
You say you have no
Idea what you're doing
And you're not wrong
But you already know
What to say to make my
Anxiety lift and dissipate.
I know I'm not just
An average girl. I'm
Weird and look nothing
Like everyone else
But you love it.
When you said I
Made other girls look
Boring
I melted.
I melted for the
First time in years.
I melted.

I once had a boy
Who loved me so
much he had
memorized every
freckle I had on my body.
He loved me to the
point that when
our own demons wouldn't
let go of our heads
he went to a mental
facility because he
couldn't stand how
wrong things were without me.
He told me that.
I heard it straight from his mouth
and that boy is gone now.
Moved on and moved away.
And even though that was
so long ago i can't
help but wonder if
I will ever be loved like
that again.
Will someone ever want to
spend that much time
memorizing every freckle
every scar, every inch of skin
on my body.
My stomach collapses
on itself thinking about it
because something in me
doesn't think it'll happen
or that I even deserve it.
My stomach acid burns my
throat as i up heave my
emotions through my chest
and wonder if I will ever stop
being thrown out in the
garbage like a used
******.
Everyone says that
everyone deserves to be happy
and maybe deep down I
want to believe it but
something aches and whispers
bitter tasting words
into my head that say
no one will ever love you
longer than it takes
to reach ******.
I'm not looking for perfection.
I am damaged goods and i know
other people are damaged too.
I know some peoples heads
are like hurricanes
and I am aware that
no one is perfect and
yes, I know that I cannot
be perfect but I don't
need to be perfect.
I don't need someone perfect
either.
I want to love like that boy
once did.
I want to memorize someone and be
memorized back.
To me the sweetest type of love
is the kind when
you just waste time.
But you love every
second and you
want nothing more
than to sit and
admire the beautiful
thing you have
right in front of you.

The touch of God
Has not blessed me
Instead, the touch has
Led me astray and troubled
My mind to the point of
Losing hope.
My feelings are in the
Recycling bin and
God has pressed the button
To empty it.
God has given me hands that
Are all too willing to
Hurt myself and those
Around me.
My destructive hands take
Knives to my throat and
The brain God gave me
Whispers bitter thoughts
That make my face pucker
From their sour taste.
This is the only way I
Know how to feel
And God has made me
Numb.
So if God has
Made me such a sin
Then how can you say
That he loves me?
How can you say
I have something to live for?

My soul oozes
Out from the sores
On my skin
I dug for myself and
Latches on to the holes
In my veins
Like poison from venomous
Snakes. And
I can't stop it from
Going straight to my brain
And heart.
I don't see a point
In taking chances on things.
I can't ******* see
Myself without scars
Everywhere
I can't ******* see myself
without fresh
Gashes or bruises
And I can't ******* see
Myself smiling.
I don't eat because
The hunger pains
Remind me I am still
Breathing.
The pain like ****
Making it harder
To be okay and
Making it harder
For people to look at me
Without getting repulsed.
I'm like an infection.
I can't breathe properly
And haven't been able
To since...
I can't remember how long
It's been since I last
Breathed clean air
Calmly.
I can't imagine looking
In a mirror and feeling
Good enough.
So I sit.
In the dark and let my soul
Ooze out onto my sheets
And pray
I don't wake up

The blasphemy
That overtakes my
Thoughts
Was put there by
Demons and
Kept there by
Saints in order
To destroy me slowly.
Demons upon demons
Have entered and left
Without a trace
Leaving negativity
Like tumors on my
Brain
Inoperable
Said the Saints
And they left me too
Now I have nothing
Inside of me
Leading me towards
The banks of the
Cloudy river
I have nothing leading
Me towards the bottle of
Sleeping pills on
My dresser
I have nothing to stop me
I have nothing
I have
Me

The want to die
Is more of a
Compulsion
Lack of
Motivation
Is telling me to go
To burn from the
Inside out
Like a marshmallow left to roast
This is no life for the
Morbid zombie
The lives in my soul
The need to stick
My head in the
Fiery pit of anger is
Overwhelming and I
Want to ravage the land
With drunken rage
And seductive eyes
And no I can't do this
I can't be sober
For too long
So I'll dive head first
In the ocean
And hope the current drags
Me out too deep to
Touch
Like me
I've lost touch

I love you
and my heart beats fast
but it stops and drops
when you don't love me back

My stomach and head
Are boiling with sadness
And my internal organs
Are steamed from
The inside out
Love doesn't exist
For me
Curled up in the fetal
Position I ask for
Help from anyone
And all I get
Are ghosts of friends
Whisps of smoke
Gone in a flash
I'm like a tornado
Of emotion and I
Destroy everything in sight
When people see me
Coming at them
They evacuate and I'm
Left to
Rampage all alone

The systematic
Desolation of my mind
Lingers like the taste
Of your mouth and I
Can see everything in
The lake like crystal *****
The ghosts of my past
Dance and sway to the beat
Of my heart and all at once
My lungs fill
To the brim
And ache with longing
For air that won't come
I sink into the dark and
The ghosts finally evaporate
Like the life that was
Just snuffed out

The warm ache of *****
Touches my stomach with soft
Hands and all i can think
Is why
and the tickle in my throat
From nicotine's playful kiss
Makes me sicker than before
Woozy and exhausted
I cry to myself
And wonder why you're far
Gone from me
Loneliness caresses my face
With hot tears
While I panic
And want to die
In the place that doesn't feel like home

If you could not
Mention her
Just for a while
I'm sick of the stories
I feel so vile
For lingering on it
But I guess you are too
Why are you with me?
Are you sure your over her?
The questions
The worries
I don't tell you about
But please don't mention it
It hurts to be compared
Or to feel compared
I could be wrong
I hope I am
But the demons inside
Don't understand
So please
Could you not
Linger

This is it.
The soft touch of a hand
Brushing your arm
The pressure of lips on your forehead.
Affection
Love is when it tingles
It lingers on the skin like
Scars. So many scars
Left by others before but those don't matter.
You don't feel them tingle anymore
What matters is now. In the moment
It could stay for minutes or hours
But it still stayed and it still made you feel again.
You felt something you didn't think
You could feel again.
It's the little things. This is when you know
Other things are what made you
Feel in the first place
Smile, laugh, mannerisms.
These things matter but
Feeling is important and when all
That has happened to you in the
Past was
Take take take
Then it feels good for someone to give give give
A **** about you again.
This is how you know.

To be is not to live
and seeing isn't believing
feeling is believing.
Trust me, to get an emotional
response out of me is hard.
I hide my emotions because
to emote is to show weakness...
at least that's how it used to be.
Now if you show me beyond just
showing your emotions in my face
You'll get something out of me.
You will because i know you
need to be shown too. Truly shown.
Friendship, love, family isn't a one way street.
You have to show and be shown
and listen and be listened to
because without relationships
what do you have?
You have yourself. To be
But you won't really live.
To live is to believe in something.
Feeling is what makes us human.
So go live.

Twisted and tortured
My mind is reeling
Gone for a second
Then my skin starts pealing

Back and forth
I can't stop swaying
Blood pumping with force
The poison prevailing

Later and later
My sleep patterns change
Up all night to dream a savior
The longer I wait the greater the rage

Sailing on fumes
An empty shell
Nothing to fill these empty rooms
Waiting for you is my personal hell

Hoping so hard it hurts
To see you again
Not just in spurts
Just tell me when

It's probably creepy
But I feel it in my bones
With you I feel so dreamy
Yet I'm still filled with unknowns

I can see myself
Happy with you
This has a life for itself
So just tell me if you care too

Sometimes it doesn't hurt so bad
When I close my eyes tight
Let the darkness take my sight
But deep inside I'm still sad

Sometimes it doesn't hurt so bad
When I curl up in a ball
I try to get how I feel: small
But I never get small enough and get mad

Sometimes it doesn't hurt so bad
That's a ******* lie
A lot of the time I want to die
It actually hurts really bad

Crowded in head
Shaded in envy
Rejected by feeling
Abandoned: I'm bleeding

I no longer feel
I bruise easy
No longer to touch
I'm nothing much

If I leave would it matter
No one would care
No one would miss
To fragile to kiss

Left numb
And cold
Being comfortable with someone;
A lie that feels like a dungeon

Now that I know
Happiness isn't true
I can give up gracefully
I can pretend fatally

I sit and watch
And listen
As everyone
Around praises

I sit alone
And cold in
The plastic chair
Just watching

I am nothing
In this chair
The depths of
Me spilled for all to see

No one notices
No one actually sees
But me
Only I can see

The attention is not
On me but someone else
Who has more to
Say and greater than I

I just sit with the pain
In my chest
Hoping it'll all
Be over soon

It won't though
It never leaves
My constant consciousness
Won't let me be happy

The reality
Distorted
My anxiety
Magnified

I'm all alone
In this chair
My soul
Spilled on the floor

It's never me
To get the guy
To love forever
To feel it inside

There's always another
Better in every way
Prettier, funnier
Smarter, better.

I'm not gonna succeed
I'm not going to last
I never did
I was always the phase

The phase everyone
Grew out of.
The one that was left
The one long gone.

I'm used to it I guess
So if you leave don't fret
I'll be fine
When I'm dead

I'm striped loyally-
Tangled to soil.
Hurt royally-
Forever together: a coil
And together-joyfully
Laughing at the spoil
You gave to me; left me pointedly
In tears.

The tingles from my ears
Left by fears- clearly
Over the years-
Together forever-hurt severely
The torment of the volunteers
Taken softly-dearly
By the music that steers
Them further into shading

The cold hands grasp the shaking
Forever together-an ache
The quaking-
That bends to **** and hurts to break
Just need to stop-its for my own taking
Neither head, nor heart, nor soul feel awake
Thrusted-deeper into the sea

Together forever-the silence-it kills me
Too much noise-cant believe what I'm seeing
Only one broken key-
Can help but broken things can't stop the bleeding
I'm begging you-you hurt with such glee
It takes every inch to give up pride and start pleading-
Swallowed whole-but not without fee
Together forever-the silence-it kills me

It's clear
Here
That you have felt the seer
Of the gears
Against your ears and
Thought-

If She sits and hurts
And writhes and diverts
And cries and averts
Never asserts
Herself never exerts
Effort-

Again-she can't hope
Again-she can't cope
Again-a downward *****
Again-preparing the rope
Again-happiness out if scope
Again-you think

Can you see
That to me
You're what you should be
Perfect but she
Refuses your plea
But you still try

Because that's Love
Because she's your dove
Because she's above
Because she fits you like a glove
Because she's all you speak of
Because you can't help but fall for the girl with Scars
Because you have Scars too

The sunlight ravishes
the land like an empty promises
ravishes the heart
Takes everything in its path
But there's a beauty to it
indescribable; unimaginable
but with time you appreciate.

The hot breath of nature rains
down on you like volcanic ash
it can burn but you get some
sick pleasure from it. You stay.
You stay because you know it can't
get much better than this.
This moment of womb-like comfort.

The music lifts
but sits
on your soul
take it in
feel it there
resting; but soaring
up and up and up
red and blue and green
yellow orange purple
then you exhale
everything's gone

there's only you and the artist you hold dear
no pain
just an inward silence
awkward gravity as you look around
no one is dancing
not to your music
their own inner music
only they can hear
all a different beat
different genres of souls
bouncing; but standing still

Take a breath
look down, hide your face.
Only a couple more hours and you're free.
Free to live, free to die.
Free: Free to be

Hood up
doodle, don't pay attention.
Only a couple more minutes and you're free.
Free to fun, free to loss.
Free: Free to be

Headphones in
walk faster, zip up your sweatshirt.
Only a couple more seconds and you're free.
Free to love, free to happiness.
Free: Free to be free.

Hands are underrated; I think
The comforting touch: the human link
Palms on thighs
Fingers entwined

Hands are underrated; as I understand
The feel of another: the hope of a hand
Palm to palm
Fingers dancing to song

Hands are underrated; I know
Gentle or aggressive. Both loving so
We'll love skin to skin
We'll live like eachothers twin

Never forgetting the comfort of hands
Because losing can devastate but no one understands

The Rain
It Drip
            Drip
                     D
                         R
                              I
                                 P
                                    S
And I can feel it on my soul
The pounding; The aching
All of me is Dead
                             Dead
                                       D
                                           E
                                              A
                                                 D
And I can feel myself going
My hope for you is fading
I'm not important
To anyone, not how I want to be
I'm Slipping
                     Slipping
                                  S
                                L
                             I
                          P
                       P
                   I
               N
           G
And soon I'll be gone
I'll have nothing to hold onto
You'll be happier
With Her
and I'll just be the Rain
D
    R
       I
         P
               D
                    R
                       I
                         P
                              D
                           R
                       I
                   P
               P
            I
        N
    G
Down the window pane

Never first to your mind
Under qualified; always left behind
More and more the pain starts to blind
Behind my smile, the mercy of numbness is what I'll find

Lost and taken
Shaken to the core
Lying and dying
To talk nevermore

The point, she gasps,
Is to make you see until eyes are sore
Loving and living
To feel nevermore

I can't, he sobbed.
Into me, his eyes bore
Giving and taking
To love nevermore

Alone and cold, she sits in silence
Reading tales upon tales, falling to lore
Breathing and bleeding
To live nevermore

It's easy to fake
A smile I mean
Easy to care
To laugh
To sing

No one sees the cracks
You hide with masks
And that's
Why it's so scary.

Inside your dead
But who honestly cares
Not him
Not them
Not you

You let go
The loathing will grow
No one will miss you, so
That's why it's so scary

It's hard to know
Why I stick around
Why I still glow
At your every sound

It's probably too late
I'm second best now
All I can think is to wait
You'll find a way back some how

It kills me when you talk
About how you miss her
But I sit and lock
The feelings inside, it's what you'd prefer

Maybe if I'm better
Spend a little time
You'll drop the letter
And we can start our new climb

But it's probably too late
And it's my fault too
So I'll wait because
I feel fated to you

I really hate myself you know

Wondering why?
All I want is to be held and told
No. Stop. Let me tell you why your amazing
Too bad I'll never believe it

To me, I really don't deserve you. It's
Obvious that there is nothing good about me

Doing things but I'm never any good
I really hate myself you know.
Except your the best part. But you deserve better.

We stand together as man and wife
Through all the struggles and the fights
We lived together for 25 years of our life
Together we'll stay. Creating new highlights.

Sleep in
Yes, sleep in
You can’t do it forever
Sleep in, sleep in
So just do it. You’ll feel better
Give up
Yes give up
You heard me right
Give up, give up
Don’t try and fight
Why?
You ask why?
Because it’s pointless you see
Why, why
Why ask me
Figure it out
Don’t sit and pout
It’s not hard to assess
Figure it out, don’t pout
I give this advice because it’s for relieving stress

How does it feel to lie every day?
To try and fool yourself in every way?
To look so perfect yet feel so weak
To pretend it doesn’t bug you when inside you weep

Have you ever thought of just being yourself?
Putting yourself out there just for the wealth
Of health you can get from acceptance
To not give a **** to just live in balance

Stop doing your hair and take off the makeup
Stop sleeping around and get ready to wake up
Everyone will judge you not matter what you do
So be judged for who you are not who you *****.