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Lydia 1d
I know you’re in my soul group
you have been with me me through all of my lifetimes
an energy like ours has met before
spun circles around one another and blended our colors
we knew it before we spoke a word
you speak to me when you say nothing because we have said the words already
I know you like a memory
a remembering from a past life where we’ve been together once
and a knowing that one day our souls will sit together again
but I miss you for now
1d · 44
Pink elephants
Lydia 1d
my mom drove a head start bus for awhile when I was in pre-k
she would tell the little kids who were bored to look out the window for pink elephants
I remember thinking she was a good mom because she let me in on the secret and the kids thought she was cool
our opinion on what’s considered good can be wrong even when our intentions are right
I never believed in pink elephants but I did believe in her
1d · 125
What feels good
Lydia 1d
I’ll take the test
And fail it on purpose
Because
I wanted to
1d · 36
Gray tones
Lydia 1d
Nothing is that black and white
the differences in gray tones are endless
you can be sure of something this year and not at all the next
complicated emotions continue to follow me as I get older
each one bringing a new twist along with it when they show up
what is life without passion?
are our morals more important than our desires even though we have one life to live?
I don’t mean to be a bad person
or do bad things
I’m still 13
looking for that thing
trying to scratch that itch
find my happiness
and I’m 30
what is bad to you feels really good to me
bringing tiny sparks to give me a flicker of hope
to keep going in a world where Myself is burning out
2d · 50
amber
Lydia 2d
his eyes are amber like fire
the element in his zodiac sign and a metaphor for how my insides feel when he looks at me
he casts a spell that causes me to speak nonsense
words come out of my mouth but I can’t hear what I’m saying and next thing I know
I’m looking at his mouth again
He is a tall glass of hard cider
and I’m ******* drunk
3d · 80
Lately
Lydia 3d
Life has been all ******
No ******
The build up is great but the letdown leaves me feeling cheap
Mar 13 · 97
bahama dream
Lydia Mar 13
I put my heels in the sand at the bottom of the towel and kicked my feet like a kid
A squeal of joy just loud enough for me to hear burst out and I looked at my toes now covered in soft, white earth
Cant believe I got myself here
My younger self is so proud for making a dream come true when there were so many times I never thought I could do this
The sun warmed my skin and I flopped back on the towel and looked up at the bahama blue sky
In this moment I’m so glad to be alive
I detailed the scene in my mind like a photograph just for me and took one more sip of my endless strawberry margarita
Mar 2 · 60
Happy Home
Lydia Mar 2
I’m so happy
I have created a home
That
I want to come back to
Feb 21 · 188
buzzing
Lydia Feb 21
this is that feeling I love
a buzz
like a happy vibration radiating through the skin
my face feels like I’ve been poked for a dentist appointment
my head is swirly and positive and I kind of feel like dancing or complimenting pretty girls on their smiles and their hair
when I close my eyes I feel high
a fulfilling swelling gulps my chest and I’m feeling giddy
oh what a world when suddenly everything feels fine again from a tall alcoholic beverage and a fine February day
it’s not that complicated really
This thing called life
Thirsty Thursday
Feb 15 · 68
potato wedges
Lydia Feb 15
I hope everyone finds a lover
that makes you feel so good everyday
that on a Friday evening in February
he can be at work and I can be playing Mario Kart on the couch, drinking an Angry Orchard alone on Valentine’s Day and neither one of us even notices
He came home from work, I was sleeping on the couch, we shared some potato wedges and went to bed. It’s a type of knowing that I just feel so lucky to have with a person.
Feb 1 · 157
Secrets secrets
Lydia Feb 1
I know
So many
Secrets
About so many
People
I could just
Three
Two
One
Blow up their tomorrow’s
By revealing what they did
yesterday
Feb 1 · 250
morals
Lydia Feb 1
everyone won’t feel like me
or think like I do
my morality is my strongest suit
it comes with heavy guilt at times
but I think I always do the right thing
in the end
Jan 21 · 168
dissection
Lydia Jan 21
why do I hang onto the end of every sentence like it’s a secret code waiting for me to answer
Jan 21 · 104
double edge sword
Lydia Jan 21
they say curiosity kills the cat
but
I’m starting to think so does not knowing
Jan 11 · 318
problem
Lydia Jan 11
sometimes I wish you could make someone take back something they said
because as soon as they did
the image you had of them in your mind explodes in an instant
they are just like Them after all,
there’s the hate and prejudice and refusal to have empathy for others that seems to flow so freely these days
no where feels safe anymore in a world where the people you love are part of the problem
Jan 11 · 156
The difference
Lydia Jan 11
the difference in the lives of women and men seems to be
That a man can live his entire life selfishly without being chastised or accused
But a woman has to live hers selflessly or else she will be called selfish
Jan 10 · 93
Untitled
Lydia Jan 10
8 in the morning
and a realization hits
No one in the world really gives a ****
About me and my problems
Or my feelings and conundrums
It’s over dramatic and silly
They just don’t have time for me
Change the subject, get over it
You’re gonna be turning 30
Everyone is self absorbed or going through it too, we all live the same lives in our own worlds
Sep 2024 · 307
end of September
Lydia Sep 2024
September 22nd 2024

For the first time in my 29 years of life
my step dad told me he was proud of me
and my mom said
I’m Sorry
it’s not ironic that it came from them once I was in tears
Sep 2024 · 462
Purr
Lydia Sep 2024
I wonder if my cat knows
she’s helped me keep going
a few times
by just choosing to sit in my lap
Sep 2024 · 724
because I am a girl
Lydia Sep 2024
men want you to be feminine
but then make you hate being a girl
if this summer has taught me anything
it’s a man’s world and I’m just living in it
I am surrounded by testosterone
even my new therapist is a man
so many opinions and all of them matter but mine
so many names that everyone remembers but mine
so many wants and needs that are met, except
mine
because I am a girl
Aug 2024 · 280
little thing
Lydia Aug 2024
why is it statements people say in passing that shouldn’t mean anything,
feel substantial to me?
all this man said was
His honey do list has never been shorter
He had so much time this summer to get it all done
I fell apart immediately
everyone I know has a husband who takes care of her,
the way he spent his time off doing things for his wife,
how he thought of her, he was clearly thoughtful of her,
it’s the little things people do and say about their person that I notice
and I realize it’s because
no one does it for me
Aug 2024 · 506
alternate reality
Lydia Aug 2024
I make you up inside my head,
a version all fabricated from my own mind,
like an invisible chain
with a weight attached pulling me in
there is an unreasonable, unrealistic, tug
to get to know you
science can’t explain what this feeling is
that makes me see you
makes me feel like I can read you
a vibration of attraction that physics
hasn’t quite discovered yet
a gravitational pull of my mind leads me to thoughts of another dimension
with a me and a you in an alternate reality of my imagination that feels so real it’s like a memory
call it chemistry or a recollection from a past life
but I see you in my daydreams
A hazy place filled with my fantasies of all the possibilities of humans I feel bonds with but don’t really know
Aug 2024 · 105
Untitled
Lydia Aug 2024
No matter what I do
I can’t stop the mental vibration
that comes and goes as you
What was a soul like mine supposed to do
When it crossed paths
With a correspondence like this one?
It rang like home
and sounded like me
Aug 2024 · 260
Anger
Lydia Aug 2024
I’m angry
At everything and myself
I don’t wanna do this **** anymore
This being anything and everything that is involved with being alive
It’s too hard and I give up
I’ve watched so many people just skate by
I continue to watch people do nothing
And have everything
While I do everything
And have nothing
I am bitter
I am hurt
I am mad that no one was there for me
That no one can take care of me
Besides me
I am outraged at my upbringing
Because it’s led me here
It’s brought me over five years of therapy
Countless tears
A level of pain to parenting
And
I’ve lost so much time
Time spent in agony just because I’m alive
So yeah
I’m ******* angry
And trying to be more mindful
Isn’t going to help today
Aug 2024 · 653
kindness
Lydia Aug 2024
One day my brain will be nice to itself
Instead of rage I will give it a big hug
I’ll be able to apologize for all the years
of mistreatment and sorrow
I will mean it when I say I’m fine
there are no more layers to peel off
no more mysteries to solve
and no more reasons to worry
My mind will be at peace one day
A mantra for me to keep going
Aug 2024 · 224
figure
Lydia Aug 2024
I do this thing where
I think I have it
All
Figured
Out
For five minutes
these moments of fleeting in denial
that I have anything I need to work on,
that anything is even wrong with me at all
I’m fine,
I just needed a trim after all
I just needed to talk to that one person
I just needed to take a nap
I just needed a night out
I just
I just
I just
and then the ******* demons crawl right back into my head and I’m like,
there you are
Aug 2024 · 231
15 minutes over
Lydia Aug 2024
my therapy session was 15 minutes longer than was expected
my therapist was really getting a lot out of me today
even after all these years
when I’m forced to really dissect myself
it’s so uncomfortable
I never cry in front of people
not on purpose
I didn’t today but I felt my throat get tight and my eyes burn a little while words came out of my mouth this afternoon
I think I twisted the black pen in my hand so hard I gave myself a burn
I was trying not to make it obvious that I was bothered
breaking yourself down is vulnerable and feels unnatural when you’re used to no one asking you about yourself
he says the word acceptance a lot and talks about trying to have a more positive inner voice
I see his body slump in a way that’s like a sigh when I agree… but have to add a but…
Aug 2024 · 709
nice to see you
Lydia Aug 2024
I had a dream last night
and you were in it
I find it interesting the ones I remember
always involve you
just an interaction
it was a normal day at work
and then we got to talk
that was it
but I felt it even in that other dimension
as I walked away
that it was just
nice to see you
Jul 2024 · 304
Level 29
Lydia Jul 2024
Level 29 has been really hard for me
I can’t seem to get the hang of this game called
Life
I thought by now I would have it more figured out,
I’ve been playing long enough
Jul 2024 · 221
effort
Lydia Jul 2024
I think it’s hot
if someone puts in effort
I swear
if someone even tried for me
I would *** in a blink
Jul 2024 · 486
sensitive
Lydia Jul 2024
the things that hurt me
are not what I ever expect to
I remember what those words felt like
when they are numbing
I immediately **** into myself straight for disassociation for protection
it stung so hard you should’ve smacked me
when I’m left speechless
and my heart turns off
I don’t find it ever works the same again
the things you say that hurt me
are not curses but they cast a spell on me
back to wondering if I’m too sensitive
Jul 2024 · 173
snail
Lydia Jul 2024
this morning I’ve already done the thing where my brain attacks itself and starts to wish things upon myself that would keep me from having to be a human,
or I start to pine to just be a snail,
a slimy, low to the ground, nothing to do,
snail,
I’d be green and I would take my time, scooting along munching on a leaf as I passed it by,
being spineless may feel weightless, I bet my back wouldn’t hurt,
maybe I would take a nap in the sun and then die and not even know
Jun 2024 · 354
meds
Lydia Jun 2024
every once in awhile
I start to wonder if I’m really depressed after all,
then I realize
the meds are working
Jun 2024 · 264
June
Lydia Jun 2024
I’ve decided we never really grow up
we just keep having birthdays
because every few months
I’m a whole new me again
from the one I was before
I still don’t feel fully grown
everyday creates new thoughts
those thoughts lead to new paths
new paths lead me to
Me
Jun 2024 · 413
proud?
Lydia Jun 2024
I got my raise at work today
it’s a reminder that you’re worth is based on percentages in life and titles that you hold
I should be so happy
I should be grateful for pennies because I even got anything at all
my value is in the dollar amount I make an hour and bring home annually and I should feel proud that it still isn’t enough but I made more this year than I did last year so how dare I be ungrateful
I should be purposefully working my youth away for a few cents every year because I have a job and I have a roof over my head and bills to pay
And ya know Wow what a blessing it is to be alive and be a human
in the rat race called life I should just so grateful to be here….
Jun 2024 · 271
perceive me
Lydia Jun 2024
being perceived is so uncomfortable
and yet, something I want at the same time
to be seen and heard is an instinctual need humans have
but I also hate that people have opinions of me
ideas made up about my character based on one interaction they had with me probably on a day where I wasn’t in the mood to even be alive and they crossed paths with me…
I don’t want to be looked at, please don’t stare,
but I also want you to notice my existence, acknowledge I’m alive
I don’t want to be pretty or for anyone to feel bad about themselves because they looked at me
I don’t need you to say hi to me or make small talk, in fact, I ******* hate it
but I also want you to know I’m a good person and I like to make people laugh so let me tell you a joke on my behalf
I’m so uncomfortable when someone sees a photo of me,
Are they thinking how ******* stupid I look too? How thin my upper lip is? Do they think I’m trying too hard?
I’m so embarrassed but I also want you to like it.
Existing is embarrassing and so is the fact that you know I need to breathe to be alive and I have to eat to survive
May 2024 · 181
doom scrolling
Lydia May 2024
to the women who linger in the restroom stalls,
What are you doing?
Go hang out somewhere else so I can **** in peace,
there can’t be anything on that phone of such importance that you are willing to sit next to me in a stall and listen to my body obliterate this toilet..
A person can only hold it in for so long..
the rest room is supposed to be the one place to let it out,
to have some privacy to expel the days waste without feeling like I’m interrupting your third break today so you can doom scroll Facebook while I writhe in pain on the throne next to you,
as someone who is one of many who suffer in this country with bowel issues, I am just suggesting that if you hear someone’s intestines screaming across the room, it’s time to flush the toilet and let some blood return to your legs so that human can feel better.
Thank you.. sincerely,
the feet under the stall
Get the **** out please
May 2024 · 366
perspective
Lydia May 2024
think too hard and realize
No One Cares About You
it’s all perspective

today that might make me feel defiant and extraordinary
tomorrow I might feel empty and alone

to always be truly by yourself in exactly what you are feeling in each fleeting moment is both unbearable
and the only thing bearable about being a human at all
May 2024 · 285
not from here
Lydia May 2024
people **** me off
I think I’m from another planet
I hope I am right and one day my family will come to collect me and all of my knowledge from my time here on earth with the humans will be for something  
people are obsessive and controlling for things like your attention or time
no sense of personal space or brain sense to leave someone alone
I hope when I’m abducted, my memories of this planet get washed out of my mind
I’ve never felt like I belonged here
people are so selfish and careless with your feelings or your body
May 2024 · 213
soft
Lydia May 2024
when my chest gets tights and I start to feel like I can’t breathe,
grabbing onto you steadies me,
just the heat from your skin and the energy of you is enough to heal me,
I feel like a little kid gripping my favorite stuffed animal,
a soft blanket of your warmth wrapped around me as your words of patience and kindness surround my anxiety
you’re too good for me
May 2024 · 588
A different version
Lydia May 2024
“So what is it? Is it all really just because my mother was a ******* parent?”
I asked the question out loud that I’ve asked myself so many times before but never really knew if I wanted the answer to
my therapist acknowledged that my childhood was a catalyst for everything that came after
“See and that ****** me off.” I said
“Because I wonder what I could’ve been like if things had been different.”
she told me that now I could unbury the version of myself that I actually am,
it wasn’t too late

Of all the options I’ve ever weighed in my mind,
an image of me that doesn’t have to be the damaged one created by my mother,
never even occurred to me

it’s not too late
May 2024 · 615
an inconvenience
Lydia May 2024
oh will the feeling of being a burden ever go away?
when someone is even slightly inconvenienced and it has just a little to do with me,
I feel I must apologize profusely and proclaim how annoying I am,
when in fact,
that’s exactly what’s making me annoying
I am a burden, even to myself
May 2024 · 189
A list of love
Lydia May 2024
I notice the small things that he does for me
the ones he may think are insignificant
but those are the times that I feel loved the most
He gets me a coffee every morning on the weekends, he knows exactly how I like it
Every Monday is trash day and he takes it to the road before he leaves for work and brings the cans back to the garage before he comes in after
He notices my laugh and lovingly notes my little snorts when something is really funny and loves my big smile because he knows it is genuine
He will lay under the sheets on my side of the bed to warm it up for me before I get in
On my days where I am not feeling it, he doesn’t take me personally and let’s me have my space
If I am not feeling well he wants to bring me medicine at work
When we sit on the couch he will put his hand up under my shirt and lightly touch my back with his fingers or if I lay my legs over his lap he brushes my skin with his fingertips
He knows my anxiety’s and knows when I’m not feeling good and will help me to feel better
He never calls me by my name but instead calls me baby or honey
He will handle the raw meat because he knows it grosses me out that it gets under my nails
He points out little things that my son does that he knows I will enjoy and laughs at my little boys jokes and silliness
He is always ready with a packed dab for me
He grabs for my hand as we walk
As soon as I wake up he always greets me with a hello, or good morning or you’re so beautiful even when I don’t feel like I am
He knows my faces that I make and what each one means
He knows all the ways I like to be touched when we make love
He doesn’t ask to drive he just gets in the drivers seat because he knows I don’t want to
He texts me throughout the day sometimes to tell me he loves me or misses me and always lets me know when he makes it to work
I catch him looking at me randomly sometimes and then gives me that sweet little smile
He loves to watch the birds in our yard and gets just as excited as I do when we see our cardinal couple out back
He points out the flowers in the beds when they bloom
He looks happily at my legs when I wear shorts
He turns the seat warmer on in the car for me before I even get in
He knows me so well
He loves me so well
On any day that feels like life could be better
He makes every day good by just being in it xxxxx
May 2024 · 447
Overslept
Lydia May 2024
when the alarm goes off I hit snooze two too many times
now I’ve overslept by twenty minutes
I look at myself in the mirror and run a brush through my hair and think
Well at least my hair is behaving today
May 2024 · 292
feeling parts
Lydia May 2024
to see the parts of me that are melancholy and depressed
as beautiful or bewildering
would be too much of a compliment to myself,
the words sing to my soul,
describe me so perfectly I rename myself with the formations of these letters until I become them,
I have spent my whole life as the color blue, melting into puddles every chance I get,
I’ll look down just in case
so you don’t see me,
my eyes give me away, by
reflecting the blue on the inside that drowns me in my feelings
Pulling this one from my drafts. Sorry all of my poetry is so depressing
May 2024 · 362
being a woman
Lydia May 2024
sometimes being a woman just makes me feel angry
I often wonder how many men have had to block someone’s number or profile. Or
had to change their own number to be able to breathe easily anytime their phone goes off?  
I wonder if all the men who just mean well, meant they mean well when they get what they want
Apr 2024 · 605
angry motivation
Lydia Apr 2024
when I was angry, I was unstoppable
with fire in my veins I felt like I could move mountains if I just believed it hard enough
I was so capable
and so delicate
I was so scared
and so strong
when I was mad, I was motivated
with pain came beautiful triumphs
I was so ashamed
and so proud
I was so embarrassed
and so confident
when I am not angry anymore, I am incapable
without fire in my soul, I don’t believe I can get up out of bed
I am so happy
and so sad
I am so comfortable
and so confused
Apr 2024 · 396
delete from the internet
Lydia Apr 2024
I wish I could delete everything I’ve ever posted on the internet,
make myself disappear,
untraceable, unavailable, please try again another time,
I want to hit return and erase every text I’ve ever sent,
being invisible is safe, anonymity is freedom,
I want to fall out of cyberspace and into a black hole of pre recorded memories,
of times before we were attached to cords for validation,
so many perceptions of who I am create Frankenstein versions of me insinuated in the minds of others,
am I who I think I am or who you think I am?
manipulating wires became plugged into our brains and we forgot what we looked like in the mirror,
I want to know what I really think of me,
not what I was groomed into seeing
from years of comparisons that will never be enough,
I want to log myself out from the internet and act like I just logged in,
to what life would’ve been without it
Apr 2024 · 496
Untitled but call it 8
Lydia Apr 2024
I don’t mean to
and I will probably never completely stop feeling this way,
but so much of me is.. angry
It comes out in all forms for me
my 28 year almost 29 year old self still feels like that defensive little girl I was when I was 8
the one who wished to be someone else, anywhere else where being happy lived
so much time has passed and I find myself making the same mistakes I was falling into when I first thought about dying
now I’m angry for the version of myself I never got to be because now it’s too late and I’ll never really know
if I would have been trustworthy and smart
if I would have thought of myself as beautiful and strong
if I would have felt like I was capable
Instead I’m stuck being an angry 8 year old who doesn't know how to control herself
Mar 2024 · 596
my wild
Lydia Mar 2024
those rainy day, gloomy doom moods still hit me,
the adrenaline of chasing a high even if it’s no good still gets me,
I still crave those moments of breaking the barrier and pushing limits,
self sabotage for the fun of it, to be reckless just because we’re here on this planet once,
as far as we know

the Wild in me still has legs that want to run
to feel and taste freedom like I can have whatever I want,
these days she’s just in bed by 8:30 having wild dreams instead
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