I loved you even before the words were said.

You are more than a few words to me,
You are art in every form.

You are the thought process during a masterpiece,
not an idea but a vision.
A vision made real through the push and pull
of what-everyone-wants-to-see
and something else completely.

There are rights and there were
so many wrongs,
but no matter what there is beauty.

I just want to go everywhere. One place at a time.

Not be everywhere all at once.

I love you.
I love the way the morning air feels inside my lungs and how cool the breeze is.
Morning air smells like a new start.

I love you.
I love the way water tastes after a long day on the beach. It's like drinking life after the sun demanded to hold whatever you could offer him without keeling over.

I love you.
I love the way the sky makes me feel. It reminds me that I am beautiful and something amazing. How blessed am I to witness something so vast and grand as the sky?!
I want to be everything the sky is.
But I cannot.

I can love you.
So I will and I will keep loving you.
I won't close any window in your life to try and perserve a sense of morning air.
Because the sun will only rise higher in your life, and I will have to choose to either be your water or to demand more from you than you are able to give.
And even if you stop loving me, I will show you a love as vast and as grand
as the sky.

I love you.
"I love you."

She promised she would stay,
But she left me alone with him.
I pleaded with my eyes,
"Don't go."

I don't know why she thought she was doing something good, but she giggled a "be good you two," with a wink.

I wanted to die in that moment.
It was almost as if I knew what was going to happen.
It was already over between he and I.
I had already established that I didn't want anything to do with him.
But he wanted to "talk" because he needed "closure" or some ****.

"Could you come in the backseat, please?"
Even though his words spilled out like syrup, I knew nothing that would come next would be close to sweet.
I did what I was told.
Stupid me. Why was I so afraid of him being mad at me?!

I closed my eyes as he pressed his wet mouth onto mine.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch him.
My clothes end up on the floor even though I fought to keep them on.
I gave up.
I lay there on my side, facing the car seat I should've stayed in.

I asked him to stop.
I asked him to put his pants back on.
I told him to stop as I scrambled for my clothes,

He shouted: "****!"
He slammed the door closed as I ran away and he punched something.

Tears ran down my face as I passed her.
"How'd it go?" She asked in a sing-song voice.
God, I wanted to hit her so hard.
I wish I told her to go **** herself.

Because she said she was gonna stay with me. I was stupid to believe her this time...
But she promised.

Your touch is like the feeling you get when you finally lay down after a long day.
When you kiss me I feel like you light the life on my lips, and I
feel the taste of you rush into my chest like a new type of smoke.

I unwind while in your presence and peel my worries off as if I'm already inside the privacy of the house I will one day own.
Because, my dear...
No matter what,
At the end of the day I want to see
You.
Because when I am with you, I am

Home.

Next time you leave,

Take me.

Everyone is looking for someone to grab their hand and run away with,

And all I want is for someone to stand with me through the calm waves and the hurricanes.

I would break every heart on my way back to you.

You are the start of something new and the end of the scars on my heart that I no longer feel the need to revisit.
Because tomorrow is coming and I know you will be there.

You know in those moments when the sun and the moon share the sky?

That's the way I feel about you.

In those moments,
those moments are the ones that
I love.

You
Know what I'm talking about.

When you hold me close and
I hold you closer,
Until we get to the place where
You and I are as close as we can be.
As close are we are able
And it feels beautiful.
Even though, I swear to God;
We are more
Than
Words
Can
Describe.

In those moments,
I feel the weight of saying goodbye but it makes me appreciate you
So much more.
Those moments are the ones that
I love.

You
Know what I'm talking about.

I've hit a wall.

Actually, I didn't hit it. It hit me.

Every time I try to write something new,
Something different,
Nothing comes to mind.

There's no new examples floating through my thoughts,
or some silly comment about the weather dancing on the tip
of my tongue.

No.
All I have are cliche's and over-exaggerated thoughts.
Maybe I'm going to die.

The instant I am away from you,
I can feel your absence.

Where your hand was on my hand,
When your fingers were laced with mine,
I feel where your hand was supposed to be
And the spaces between my fingers that are now left empty.

I want you with me so I don't have to feel your absence.
I look at you because I know there will be a day where I won't be able to see you anymore.
Whether I must shut my eyes to say goodbye as you love another, or when you have exhaled a breath where inhaling doesn't come next.

So as I lay here without you,
I am missing you.
But I am not sad,

I am simply feeling where you're supposed to be.

I love the way you exist,

Because you're so **** good at it.

Sometimes when you look at me, you
Give me this face that makes me so
Sure that you already know.

There is a statement that blares in my
Head, my heart, and my body
Whenever I am with you,
That I do not say it out loud.

But believe me, if I were to say it...
I wouldn't know how to stop.

My boss is humming a song,
While I pick at my check mix.
I eat the almonds with the m&m;'s,
And the raisins with the peanuts.

My break is almost over and I stand up
And walk out of the door.
I adjust my clothes, and start with my
Right foot out of the door.
I continue walking.

Earlier today I noticed that my post-it was moved from the window wall to the shelf wall.

I'll let that go without saying anyhting even though it bothers me so much.

Let it go.
Break the routine.
Forget patterns.

I was in town a couple weeks back,
And I ended up striking a conversation
With the lady on the wall.

"You going to meet up with someone, miss?"

"Oh, yes. I am."

She smiled at me,
While she tilted her head as if she were examining me like something familiar she has already seen, and says,
"Remember that he is not love, he is a man. You are a woman, and you are not love to him. Between you two, there is love. There is a difference. Remember this, sweetheart."

I want to lay out my words in a way that is new to you,
So that you may exhale as if you've inhaled my words and held it in.

Throughout my life,
I was scared of being still.
I needed to move,
Or stay in motion, because once
I was still...
Feelings would catch up to me.

I needed to be faster than sadness,
Prepared for temporary happiness
To fade,
So I never got hurt.

That's what I do.

My heart or my mind would never really be where anyone else was,
But I am here.
I am here.
And I am still.

I just woke up in my house,
on my couch,
in your jacket.
I called everyone who called me last night,

and no one answered.

I lay here praying no one died.
Or killed themselves.

"You look like you got ran over by a truck."
Thank you.
I'm getting run over by something.
It kind of feels the same.
But it's not a truck.

I want everything
and I want nothing.

It's always been this way.

I prepare earlier every year, but
I'm never prepared
For the flood
Or the fire
You release or
Ignite
In me.

So while I'm preparing to say "see you later" to you,
I lay with my eyes closed,
My arms laid out like a painted canvas,
And my face covered with this new blanket.

I am not unhappy.
I am excited.
Interested because, you hit me
Differently this time.

I didn't flinch.

I cannot express the feeling that I am feeling right now.
I am upset, not surprised, relieved, understanding, ******, ect...
The list goes on.

I feel everything.
It was always like that with you.
Part of me is upset for letting you back in,
But now I'm sure.
I'm done.

You got too involved too fast,
Said too much too soon,
Demanded too much from someone who has
Nothing.

I've been drained of a lot of things,
And so have you.
I looked for a feeling of freedom with you,
I should've known before opening my heart;

You're out.

I let myself go insane

I will choose you,
No matter what's going on.
If I'm cursing the world,
Or falling in love with everyone,
You're still it.

Everything about me chooses you.
Everything I do chooses you.
I know this because even though it's obvious that my happy chooses you,
So does my sad.

Every part of me chooses you.
I know this because no matter where I am,
My eyes will always be looking for you.
My ears will always turn to your voice.

My heart is affected by everything you say to me.

I could be offered the crowd;
A flood of people choosing me.

And I will always choose you.

Don't you dare press your words on me like you are strong enough to make an indention.

Don't ever look at me like I'm a strayed line on a paper, or bleeding paint on a canvas.

Don't you dare!
Oh
My
God,
Don't you dare tell me what I should do, what I shouldn't have done, or what you think I'm thinking.

You do not mean anything to me.

You words mean nothing to me.

I have never flowed with anyone else the way we did today.

Even though I've never spoken to you before,

I felt like we were just catching up.

You know the feeling you get when you're holding your breath and you need to breathe, but you're still not at your destination where you can take a breath? You get that burning sensation in your lungs when you seem to be gasping with your mouth closed, even though I don't think that's possible.

Is there a word for that?

You were the one from the beginning. 
I knew of you.
You caught my eye.
I wondered about you and what you were like, what you thought about, if you knew me.
I wanted to know you.

You were the one through the middle.
I know this for sure, because you were the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep.
You were my dream no matter what time of the day.
"You mean the world to me."
When my world looked different, you became my first sip of alcohol.
Your name filled my lungs and left them with every hit.
Yet like smoke inhaled, there was always remnants of you on the walls of my lungs.
I wanted to learn how to exhale your name out of my heart,
But I couldn't.
And when I thought I did..

You were the one in the end.

You know in that moment when the moon and the sun share the sky?

That's how I would describe the way I feel about you.

Stop looking for someone to settle you down.

No.

Meet someone to stay wild with

And *run.

You always love what encourages you and everything that rips you apart

And all of a sudden, there was a rush of a feeling I haven't felt in a while

Being swept up from the caverns of my heart, pushing against my skin.

Remember to breathe and don't
give up.
Make it to me, please
keep your chin up.

If I could flow with anything, I'd chose energy.

She is always moving and when she is around you cannot avoid feeling what she brings and everything she is.

Remember that I was the one from day one.
Maybe not in a romantic way, but
In a way that made you feel something.

What if I was just an idea, or
Some sort of daydream you tried to make real?
It's okay.
However I am not a daydream.
There's nothing poetic about me.

I am uncertain of where I am, and
I walk like my steps are secrets; on my toes.
Although don't get that confused with "lost".
I may not be trustful of the dirt I am in, but
I know where I'm going. Just like how
I may not know the exact coordinates of
A helium balloon, however,
I do know that it can only go up.

So, my dear, as you spend your time with her and
As you write about how she will leave you eventually,
Remember that people can bring comfort but
They are not medicine.
She cannot give you back anything that was taken away from you.
So that piece that I have?
You can't get it back.

She is not the answer, or the problem, or the reason.
She is a human with feelings, and as you wonder why she can't
Understand you...
Consider that there may be parts of her that are no longer there, too.

She is not your miracle, or your dream, or your most desired wish.
She is a girl. A human being.

Remember this, because
This is what you forgot when you held me.

...

I can barely keep my eyes open, let alone be functioning.

Blink, blink, blink...

I fell asleep.

Yawn, stretch, blink, blink..

B l i n k

It's almost time.

By now I should've known where I was meant to be.
By now, I should've been there.
Wherever /there/ is.

I'm supposed to be living my dream, rather than looking at the blue prints.
By now, I should've been making new mistakes.

I was supposed to be done with wandering and questioning and desiring things of this world.
By now, I should've been soaring.

The question, "what am I doing?"
By now, shouldn't even be a thought.
I'm supposed to have a calendar flooded with plans.

Whatever plans are.

By now, I should've been...
Somewhere else.

Wherever that elsewhere is.
Whatever it is, I should've been doing.
By now, I should've been there.

But maybe,

Even though my heart has been covered in dirt,
My spirit is full of sky.

How can I get mad over the fact that no one stays,

When all I do is beg to be left alone?

I still think of you.
Not in the way I used to.
But you still float through my mind.

Dear Broken,
Dear most complicated part.
Who holds my misery,
Who holds my love.

Dear Heart,

Why do you let me rise like
Vapor,
Then let me crash down in
Waves?

You're known for giving life,
But you
Drive so many to their Graves.

Why do you let me forgive so easily?
And why do you let me fall
So fast?
Heart,
Next time
Don't melt on me
Unless you know it'll last.

You were my drug.
Everyone told me to stop, but I tried every thing to convince them you were good.

I knew what I felt was only a high, but you became the only taste I felt comfort in.

You destroyed me, but I wanted you.

You were my drug.
No matter how bitter you were, how sour, how vile you were towards me, I craved you.

I began reaching for anything to smoke just to burn your name into my throat, so I could at least feel you for a moment.

I drank until my heart and my mind became Romeo and Juliet.
You know what happened.

You know it ends.

I want to have someone who will tell me when I'm not myself.
When I start saying things that I don't believe in, stop me.
When I scream about how I don't give a **** about anyone, quiet me.
Because you know that I love everyone way too much.
Don't scold me when I'm drunk, ask me why I got here.

Please don't drown me in sweet words, kiss me with truth, and remind me of who I am when I forget.

Please tell me that you believe me, because I am drowning.
I cannot live life knowing that she believes a lie.

Please tell me that you believe me, because I am not ok.
I am the one walking with stabs from a knife that I was accused of throwing. I just happened to step forward at the wrong time, so here I am:

Like a picture or a painting that people look at with tilted heads and squinted eyes, I was pressed to a wall; framed.

If the skin on my hands got thinner for every time I let a boy hold them,

I'd be bleeding. Torn to the bone.

If I had kept my hands to myself like a secret, then I could've held you

Without staining you with my past. Now I'm alone,

And I'm sorry. I would offer my shoulder, or the bend of my elbow

But those edges and parts of mine are worn down, too.

I stand in front of you, barely together; a corpse.

I understand why I am not considered at all, but I beg to be healed

Just to be considered by you.

You are as transparent as cement.