After ten years, she knocks on my door again.

I try to speak.
I want to say something,
anything,
but I cannot seem to find the words.
I didn't think I would,
or that I could,
feel this much.
All I can do is stare at this apparition of my childhood companion,
who now holds her own child in her arms.


With eyes wide and mouth agape, I finally manage to splutter out
"Welcome back."

I can't help but wonder
if you think I feel
like bird bones in your hands.

The first time we ever spoke,
I thought you were annoying.

I asked you what your favourite colour was.
You said
"White, because when thinking in terms of the light spectrum, it is the combination of all the colours. When you look at a white light, you are actually looking at colours that human eyes can't even process. You are looking right at them, and you can't see them, but they are still there."

I thought that was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.

-
-
-

I was sent to a white palace when I found out what happened to you.
I searched for you in every windowless room.

-
-
-

Our romance was a
flash flood in the middle of a drought,
quenching my parched soil,
and then drowning all forms of life for miles around,
but it was over far too soon
and left me ravaged,
yet thirsty for more.

-
-
-

I took my new husband-to-be to the place where you and I met.
He didn't leave my side the entire time
and we listened to the music echoing around the mountains
while he said beautiful things that I would have died to hear you say
and he kissed me in front of everyone,
just like I used to dream that you would,
but you never did.



I realize now that you weren't my soul mate,
but believe me when I say that
I did love you.

-
-
-

I still don't know what to think when I look back on it.
My open and paranoid mind
can never draw definite conclusions
as to what truly happened.
Reality is subjective.

All I know is that this world is much more quiet than it used to be without your constant chatter that I thought was annoying when we first met,
and the only closure I will ever get
is accepting that part of who I once was died with you,
but an even larger part of who you were lives on within me.

-
-
-

My favourite colour is white now.

I have loved you.

White lines
of white silence,
end the violence,
take me to a winter wonderland.

They say that though the blizzard buries all the skeletons in your closet under a blanket of snow,
they'll still be there when it melts.

Cigarettes.
Pills.
Newspaper clippings.
Governmental conspiracy books.
No friends.
No family.
No food.
No water.
Just lying in the dark,
day after day,  
Until your heart gave out.

I have documented proof in the form of bills, bank statements, and autopsy reports that this was what the last years of your life were like.

I now lie awake in the same room where I figure you must have spent all of your time,
looking at the ceiling,
wondering if it was the last thing you saw.


I have felt myself become increasingly anti-social, bitter, violent, cold, paranoid, critical and reclusive over the years,
and I know that if I let myself continue to slip away,
I will end up just like you,
in this same room,
staring at the same ceiling,
with my face that looks just like yours,
with nothing to comfort me except for the fading memories of the love I like to think I once felt.


There were ten thousand books in this house the first time I came to see it,
piled high in every room,
ghosts in the ashes between every page...


I'm scared,
but you were the one who taught me to take pride in the land I live on,
so I will turn it into something beautiful,
and I won't let this place be haunted anymore.

Midnight cravings.

I can't shake the ache
to have you near me again.

Take me to a private place
where we can practice passion
without fear.

Let's take off our clothes in the wilderness.
I'll kiss you,
and I'll keep kissing you until you open for me
the way a morning glory opens for a sunbeam.
I will gaze upon the beauty of your bare soul,
and you will feel the love I have for you shine on you from all angles.

I will always want you this way,
don't ever forget that.

Touch me,
tell me softly through your teeth that you want it rough,
and writhe with me in the dark
until you find your release.
Just know that when the sun really does come up,
I must leave.

I drive by the little green cottage,
barely visible from the street.
The property that has come to represent
love,
childhood,
adolescence,
and innocence lost.


I know that I can't go and knock on the door,
but I drive by again,
hoping to see a light on in the window
and to send some comfort to the little girl that used to live there.


She is sleeping there somewhere,
alone, afraid, and untucked...
but it won't be that way forever, darling,
I swear.

Grab me by the stem and hold on tight,
'til my thorns pierce your skin.
For a brief moment,
I will feel the essence of you,
and, darling, you'll feel me,
until you throw me down from the pain and clean off your hand.

Hands heal fast,
but your blood is still on my thorns.



I know that I scare you now,
but I just want someone to hold me.

Tender curiosity
ignited something I never anticipated.

Your mind is a mass of knotted rope that I want to untangle with my tongue while our bodies are pressed against each other,
Yet I crave to hold you and know you in the most innocent of ways.

No, I will never be in love with you,
And dear Lord! I hope you never fall in love with me,
but I long to understand you in a way that no one ever has,
and reassure you that your trust goes unbroken.

Follow me tonight,
to the corner where lust and purity meet.

Strong and silent friend,
I have always seen such beauty in you.
Please, never forget that I am on your side.

I still find myself wanting you.

Why is it that I feel so good inside when absolutely nothing is inside of me?

Sit up straight,
you're not pretty when you seem so relaxed.
Suicide season only comes once a year,
there's no other time for sadness here.

Never spend any money on food,
buy expensive clothes to please everyone else,
even though you live all of your life in solitude.

Spread yourself too thin by biting off more than you can chew,
keep reminding yourself that discipline is a virtue.

You're becoming so distant from the rest,
and the finish-line is blurry now.
You're not sure if they're overlapping you or you're the one that's winning,
yet you feel it is both somehow.

Make it through another Autumn and fall into Winter,
and maybe this time you can walk alone in the snow without leaving a footprint.
It will be beautiful,
it will be pure,
it will be worth it,
I am sure.

An abominable thought comes to mind:
You can crash your car violently enough so that it will ruin your entire face, it will be a blank slate, and then no one can judge you for getting plastic surgery.
You might actually look better that way.

A cognitive distortion
blown out of proportion,
it haunts my mind every day.

Surprise me,
kick me over,
roll me around until I'm nothing but an inanimate object;
struggling is hard when you're frozen.

Nameless and unrecognized, except for the stench of alcohol, tobacco, and oily skin against my own.

Strangled screams,
clenched jaw and bubblegum gnashed between teeth,
the flavor was gone.

This was the day I found out that I am a trash can.

Shhhhh, it'll be our little secret.

Hot and metallic,
the taste of blood floods my mouth;
I imagine that's what God would taste like.


I could have sworn there were two candles,
side-by-side on the table,
but from far away,
in the darkness,
with eyes half-closed,
it looks like only one flame.

Together,
they're burning brighter than ever,
knowing that their ending won't be met with a dramatic explosion or mournful cries:
It will be silent,
and it will go unnoticed by sleeping eyes.

I promise you,
I promise you that this time,
I'll be perfect.

I know you only tell me lies,
but I love you so much that I'll force myself to believe them.


I will remember you,
I will remember you in those fractions of moments between the past and present and the present and future,
where the concept of time is irrelevant.

This will be the last time I ******* without telling you how much I hate you.


I will find you,
I will find you where some part of you still exists.
I keep it in a box under my bed.

Even after all these years,
all the progress that I've made melts away every time I see you.


I will run to you,
I will run to you until my addiction incapacitates me,
but at least I’ll know that I had a reason.

The skin that was scarred because of you has finally been shed.
I am ready to try again.


I promise you,
I promise you that this time,
I'll be perfect.

That time when I caught you staring at me,
you gave me butterflies,
but they frightened me,
so I jumped in front of your car
and threw them at your windshield as you came speeding towards me,
hoping that they might slow you down.

Every time I look in the mirror,
I can see a monster in the reflection in the pupil of my eye.
He’s keeping me locked in the closet,
and he’s telling me not to cry.
He’s cutting up my arms and pouring alcohol on them,
he’s telling me to hide.
He’s burning down the house he built
with his family still inside.
I realize that he isn't just in my eyes,
though to the outside world,
he vanished without a trace.
I am the spitting image of him,
and this is why I hate my face.

The daily parade of naked skeletons are marching by me again,
They take off their wedding rings before their cleansing can begin.


All I had to do was close the door behind them,
and afterwards, I would look in to find a pyramid erected in my honour.

I could hear screams as the gas would fill the chamber,
and people bit and clawed at one another in panic.
As the weak gave in and lay down,
The others would climb on top of them in an instinctual attempt to get at the last of the clean air so that they may live just a little bit longer.
The strongest ones would be at the top of the pyramid.

What have I done?


The greatest of horrors brought upon the people of this land,
All happened under my command.

His ring was cold when he put it on my finger,
but I took it anyway,
hoping that it might warm up after I wore it a while.

I may have steamed up the inside of this car with him,
but when he leaves,
I’ll still write your initials on the window.

I might not see you,
talk to you,
or feel your touch ever again,
and my existence is absolutely crazy,
but this is my way of staying loyal to you,
your memory,
and all that you were to me.

Years have been passing by, my darling...

You are still the first thing that enters my mind when I wake up,
and it gives me a glimmer of hope
every time I hear my telephone ring,
even though I told you to never call again.

You dared to send me an apology letter and I considered setting it on fire because it made me think about you much more than I should have.
When I said “Forever,”
I meant it.*


Our last encounter has lingered in my mind like an ocean wave crashing onto the shore,
grasping for land in one last fleeting attempt to not be swept away with the rest of the tide.

Our love may have died,
but my memories of you and I are indefatigable.

From the very first time I kissed him,
I realized that no other kiss would satisfy me the same way his did.

I knew I could never tame him, but I wanted him to experience true passion.

I blew his mind,
and I swallowed his essence,
knowing it would be the last taste of him that I would ever get.

I haven't surrendered myself to someone for far longer than a while,
but the photo that is stuck in my head
is of her and her sunny smile.

Months had passed,
we both had other loves that didn't last,
and as we lay together in the dark,
I swore I felt a spark.

I wonder if she felt it too.

I desperately grasp on to anything,
any morsel of information about her,
who she was then
and who she is now

I knew she lived during a time when the last of the cattle meant the end of days were near,
and out of fear,
mothers would drown their children,
rather than watch them slowly starve
and cry for the nourishment that cannot be given.

Everyone loved her but she had no friends,
she would lure people in,
and once they got too close,
she'd push them away again.

I sleep in her bedroom and I live in her house,
and every day I look for something more.
Maybe that's the reason why I feel closer to her now than I ever did,
yet farther away than ever before.



I wish I could speak to her.
I'd ask her "Isn't this what you've always wanted? Aren't you glad?"
But I can't...
I stole the life she once had.

I still think of you every day.
The ghost of the kiss that haunts my lips,
recalls the words you used to say.

Please don’t tell me it was all a lie,
though the truth is never that hard to conceal.
It’s all gone now,
but I know what we had was real.

A body is just a vessel that holds the heart,
the mind,
and the spirit.
Somewhere in his damaged brain,
he is screaming that he loves her,
but she will never hear it.

I wanted to believe my love was enough
to rid you of your demons...
but even if it was a good idea,
it was never enough.

Let me
trace your collar bone with my finger,
and then let my finger move to your neck
and linger,
if only for a moment or two.

Let me
feel your shoulder blades
as they sharply cut out of your back,
and confess to me
all that you lack.

Let me
put my arms around you
one more time
and tell you that I love you.

Let me
take in
the colour of your skin.

Let me
count the days
I've wished for this.
I'd trade them all for you anyways.

Let me
kiss the scars,
wish them away on stars,
and send them out to sea.

Will you let me?

A flash of light,
Then a brilliant burst of colour,
And a deep amber of the most passionate hue,
Fell into waves,
And framed the brightest eyes of ocean blue.

A luminous face of olive-white,
Stared into my soul,
And filled my heart with delight.
Behind peach lips,
A smile reflected a smile,
As she outstretched her long arms,
In the most graceful style.

Her fragile hand turned a rotation,
Her fingers changing form,
Her other arm held above her head,
The breeze before the storm.

The girl from the other side of the camera was her.

Her final request:
One last picture.

She beckoned me near
And brushed my hair behind my ear.
Then, as if it were a sign,
She parted her lips,
And pressed them to mine.

I don't know what it is about you,
That brings me back,
Time and time again.
When we're together,
I can't tell where you end and I begin.

I am complete,
and you are complete,
but what are we when we meet?

Why is it that when I'm with you, time flies?
Perhaps it is because your rain
is deeper than all the oceans of the skies.

I just can't bring myself to let go of the ways,
In which we would spend our summer days,
Nervously touching lips for a while,
When you would look into my eyes and smile...
If only I could capture those moments,
I'd hold them in my hand, heart, and mind,
And there would be no missing pieces left to find.

I tried so hard.
I tried so ******* hard to work everything out,
but what am I left with?
An unheard scream, a sigh, a shout.

This shouldn't have happened to you,
but it did.
The visions you saw,
The voices you heard,
The things you hid.

I'll never forget you,
The way you were.
I promise you,
I will find the cure.

‘Twas upon a moonlit night in July,
That I saw thee long ago,
Thy silvery aura caught mine eyes,
With an enchanting full-orbed glow.

The flowing light from the fragrant beams,
(Though no wafting wind dared carry it,)
Scented the heavens,
And perfumed my dreams,
(Whilst every star failed to catch it.)

Silent siren songs,
Awakening me from my slumber,
Thy soul sung to me,
A smiling tune alike no other.

A pair of perfect lovers is what we are,
And silver and golden lights dance for me,
As I stand here to admire thee from afar.
Each to our respective titles we remain true,
And as the years pass,
Though the brilliance doth not fade,
I still love you.

You lay there on my white cotton sheets,
your hair catching the evening glow.
Awake or asleep,
I guess I will never know.

I grabbed your hand,
brought it closer to my eyes,
and tried to understand
your soul's clever disguise.

I examined the lines on your palm,
traced your veins with my fingertips,
and felt your heart beating;
steady and calm.

I could feel each blood cell,
pounding in the tiny vessels under your skin.
I would spend forever here with you,
if you would only let me in.

If only I could be your blood,
be your life-source,
and feel what it's like to truly run through your heart,
even she wouldn't come between us,
and we wouldn't be torn apart.

I'll kiss you one last time on your wrist,
turn the light off,
and pretend I never had this thought.
I'll wait for the day when you run through my heart,
and this is what will shoot through my mind,
until the
very
last
shot.

A precious gem that I once called mine,
Onyx that will never again shine.
Two emeralds never to blink,
Rubies never to speak.
The inclusive blind sedative of a heart,
A heart of gold stopped beating,
Drowned in a sapphire creek.

A silver spirit faded to gray,
I seem to have lost my precious gem today.