You don't understand. Or maybe you do.
Everything you say, I've heard before. I've been told "I love you", and then he left me.
I've been told "I need you", and he survived without me.
I've been told "I want to spend my life with you", and he walked away.
I've been told "I'm always here for you" and he got annoyed.
I've been told "I'm proud of you", and she hit me.
So I'm sorry if you can't understand why am scared.
But if I fall one more time, I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up again.
I fall hard. I fall fast fast. My love is deep.
But after hearing the same **** over and over again, it loses its meaning.
I can't help what I feel.
I can't stop my fear.

Every bone in my body is saying "leave now, while you're safe".
But I can't. I don't want to.
I'm tired of being afraid of getting hurt. Every fiber in my being is telling me "he's too good to be true".
He is. You are.
I can't comprehend my crippling fear. He could tell me day in and day out he loves me still perceive as lies.
I'd still be waiting for him to take it back.
What if he changes his mind?
What if I stop being enough?
I know that they will come.
I can't suppress his pain forever.
I wish I could, but I can't.
Life happens and people change.
That's what I fear.
I fear falling, diving head first for him, and no one being there to catch me.
I fear loving too hard-too deep- to ever really recover.
I fear having to pick up my broken pieces, like I have so many times before.
I fear the inevitable.
Once he realizes that, he'll fear it too.

Would someone explain to me why all the people I have ever gotten close to in my life, have managed to **** me up so badly?

Is it because they don't know what they want, so they simply send mixed signals instead?

Not often do I let people get close to me. But when I do, it always ends badly.
People leave, love, change, break.
They're indecisive, ignorant, irresponsible, irrational.
I don't think people grasp what true potential they have to eternally ***** someone else.

I dont have the strength for any more temporary *******.

Be honest, be blunt, be reckless.
But don't leave me.

I may have been drinking tonight, but it has just brought a sort of clarity. I don't let people walk in and out of my life easily. You can't have it both ways. I don't take **** from anyone, and I don't ever plan on it. You chose to walk out of my life the day you chose her. One day you'll realize how big of a mistake you made. You'll look back on the years spent with me and realize how much you lost. You'll see that everything I did, in some way I did it for you. You'll come to the realization that I loved you with every ounce of my being. No one will ever love you more than I did. You'll wonder where you went wrong, when you lost a girl like me. You'll try to come crawling back, but I don't want you anymore. Me, the girl who would have gone anywhere, done anything to be with you, is simply over it. No, I don't want you back. I don't want you to change. You missed your chance with that.

So when you realize how vast my love for you was, don't tell me. Don't remind me.

Just sulk in the what ifs and maybes, just like you made me do.

You caught me off guard.
You threw me for a loop.
I've been left confused, speachless, and breathless.
You think you love me.
You say you have these "feelings for me".
What does any of that even mean?
I have to believe that it was all stemmed from the intoxication.
A mere drunken moment.
You can't love me.
You don't even know me.
Maybe, you love the idea of me.

****. I wish you wouldn't have said that.
Now I'll just be waiting for you to leave just like everyone else.
I'll go on automatic self-destruct.
I'm like a time bomb.
It's likes personal bet to see how fast I can make you leave.

Why won't I just let myself be happy for once?

He told me he loves me.
He said that he's in love with me.
What kind of person says that?
Less than 20 minutes before he confessed his "love" for me, he had a girlfriend. For two years.
I am so confused and lost.
You can't just say that.
You don't get to throw those words around.
But, he was brave. Courageous.
He's known me for three years and risked a rejection I wasn't even willing to face after sixteen.
To an extent, I understand...
I couldn't even express my love for you after sixteen years: drunk or sober.
****.
What have I become?
I need to realize that he isn't you.
He loves me.
That's something you never did.

They say it will all fade: the sound of your voice, the warmth of your embrace, look in your eye when you are genuinely happy, these feelings I have for you. They say it will all become a distant memory. A thing of the past. I just, I just don't know if I'm ready to forget you.  I find myself holding on for dear life. But is it worth it? Is remembering you worth knowing that you forgotten me?
I've tried to forget you.
Believe me,
I've tried… I just can't yet.
I can't move on.
I can't be me without you.
I can't breathe without you.
I guess I'm just stuck.

I deleted your number the other day. It occurred to me after you forgot my birthday that you really had forgotten about me. You've been a complete **** to me for the past six years, I'm just now coming to get the fact that you were no good for me. So, I deleted your number, as if that mere act would delete you from my memory. I don't know what we had, maybe contains no definition. But I felt something when I was with you and I just can't take it anymore.  You've moved on, and so should I. I began, by deleting your number.

Same problem, different guy. I don't know why I'm so insecure, because I'm not. I love me, I'll own up to my faults but I'm pretty great. I just don't know  what anyone sees in me. Even if he likes me now that could all change in a matter of seconds. It has before, don't see a difference now. But say it didn't change. Say we got together and it lasted. I'm still going away to college, and then start my career soon after. Point is everything has an end. I don't want to waste my time.

She thought he completed her. She thought they were made for eachother.  She figured that he meant what he said when he told her she was the one for him. She believed him as the words "I love you" poured out of his mouth. She gave her heart to him with nothing in return. Little did she know that he was incapable of giving her anything back. For he gave his heart away before, and it was never returned. He now steals time, love, life, which no intention of reciprocation. His words were always empty. His soul, always blank. He broke her and wouldn't take the blame. Now she sits in silence watching life pass her by while the one who stole her heart was living an all time high.

I'm  getting there. I'm getting to my happy place again. You're still always on my mind, but it's beginning to hurt less. It doesn't feel like there's a gaping hole in me, my chest, my life. It doesn't feel as bad as it used to you anymore when someone brings you up, when something reminds me of you or when I have to go to sleep without you by my side. Life is beginning to go back to the way it was before you ****** around with it .  It's finally as if you were always a distant memory. Soon you'll fade completely. I won't be constantly wagering the "what if's" and "whys" for they will no longer matter. I will simply be focused on the present, for it is a gift I have yet to open .

we're afraid to let people in because we've been hurt before and we've been hurt before because we let people in

I think it's ridiculous that after four weeks of no communication you're still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the only thing I can think about when I try to go to sleep.
I can't help be rehash old wounds, morning and night.
I just have so many questions.
There were so many things you left unanswered.
So many lies, that you claimed to be true.

I knew it was over before it even began, but that doesn't help me sleep.

Maybe things always end badly for me, because that's all I expect.
I didn't expect a happy ending.
I did't expect that you would actually be honest with me.
I didn't expect to grow so attached.
I didn't expect to be so hurt.

None of this was part of the plan.

I don't want you back, and I couldn't let you back in even if I wanted to.

I just want answers.

Was it easy to walk away?
Was I easy to fool?
Did you get what you came for?
Did you mean any of what you said?
When did I stop making you smile?
What changed?
Was any of it real?
Do you think about me?
Did I mean anything at all?

I just want answers.

Why is it that we seem to make our beds in sadness?
We hate the feeling, yet find some sort of comfort in the pain.
It's strange how easy it is to become used to the discomfort.
It's odd that we would simply let it waltz into our lives and take over.

Pain, sadness, detachment.

At least they of all things are consistent.

I have this innate ability to see people for what they really are and continue to believe that they will or can change for the better. This only ***** me over. I know that no one is perfect and we all mess up, but I just want to believe that deep down, our intentions are pure
                                                            ­                                        and they're not

As I'm looking forward at the light at the end of this never ending tunnel, a few things come to mind in regards to you. Promise to listen carefully to what I say: my few, final requests.

       Promise me that you won't make these same empty promises to the next girl with whom you become involved with. After hearing the same empty, meaningless phrases - I'll always be here, I love you, I'm here for you, You're mine - time and time again, they begin to lose all meaning. They all start to sound like noise. Don't promise her things that you don't intend to do; don't tell her things that you know you don't mean. Once a girl has had the same things repeated to her by guys who constantly leave, they have a much more difficult time believing the ones who stay.

       Promise me that you'll be open and honest with her. If you mean what you say, and say what you  mean, this is the only way she'll be able to acknowledge it. I promise you that honesty and communication really are the two things that she'll want the most.
                                                                                  I know they were for me.

       Be patient with her. She has more than likely had to deal with more than her share of leaving. Reassure her of your intentions, but don't you EVER lie to make her feel better. Don't you dare tell her that you'll always be there for her if your intention is to hit it and quit it. Be honest, it's the least you could do.

Share with her your hopes, dreams, goals, aspirations, past and fears. Women are some of the most loyal, strong, yet ever so fragile creatures to walk this planet. She will stand by your side through think and thin if you give her honesty and consistency.
                                                                        At least, I know I would have.

       If you fall in love with this girl, show her. Show her the depths of your affection for her, but be prepared that it may take time for her to trust it and show it back.

       Finally, If I could tell you anything on your endeavors of going forward I'd say this: Open your eyes! Realize what a gift you've been given and thank God everyday for her. Don't take her kindness, forgiveness, or patience for granted. Realize that not everyone is so lucky to have that.

                                                                      From,
                                                                               Your Flight Commander
                                                                                Your Sunshine.

sunny with a high of losing my mind

I have this... This problem. It's something that no one can fix, it won't go away on its own, and I simply don't know what to do about it.

You see, I live behind a wall. Occasionally, I'll peek over and see people on the other side, but never could I ever take down that wall. Often people begin to take turns trying to tear down my wall: my protection. Sometimes, it even begins to work. I let them. My boarder, my protection, my guard comes down for them. And I have to admit, it's amazing... For a while that is.

At the beginning, it's scary and new and adventurous. It seems so exciting because the person appears to care so much that they want to see me. Not see me behind the wall, but simply see me. My quirks and faults all in all. It's enticing. It's encouraging. It's exciting. The mixed surge of emotions that is felt as the wall comes down and I make myself comfortable with them is remarkable. It simply makes me feel.. Wanted. They become my protection, my guard, my life.

But as it's happened so many times before: my new found way of protection.. Leaves. People have shown me that they never truly stick around. No one is in it for the long hall. The people who helped tear down that wall in first place are the very same people who leave scars in a matter of seconds. I don't even know if they realize what they do. Simply put, they disappear.

No questions
No comments
No goodbyes

It's not fair. It's never fair. The sole person whom you put your trust in will stab you in the back. They'll leave without a reason. They'll ignore you as is they never knew you. What has always bothered me, is that they never tell you why they have chosen to leave.

Now, I want the real deal. I desire the companionship, the comfort, the fun, joy, laughter, arguments and intimacy. I long for all of it. It's all I want. But that person whom you placed your trust in,  in order to take down the walls, is the same one who keeps you from this.  

The person who helped you bring the walls down the first time, second, third. They all stop you from believing whole heartedly that people stay. They have me believing that no one is permanent. Everything and everyone in my life is temporary.  And it scares the crap out of me because I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with one more person walking out on me. But I know that it's inevitable. It will happen.

I just wish I could find someone who would stay.

I can not risk getting close to you, or to anyone again. Because I can honestly say that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if one more person I cared about simply walked out of my life. I can't risk losing someone that important. I won't. So why don't we stop this before it's too late for either of us.

is to forget you and every moment we shared together. I just want to forget it all.

Reflecting back on this past year irritates me, almost to anger. Why did I spend so much time waiting for you? How could I be so stupid. Often my mind ventures to ask the bold question of "how are you now". So much has evolved, changed, started over, been made fresh. Yet, there remains that one thing, constant as the sun rising in the east. I've watched, I've waited. I've loved, I've hated. None of which change how I feel for you. Some days, I love you so much that it physically hurts. Perhaps I always will. But I laugh at myself when I realize how long I spent waiting for you to make up your mind. It ends now. I'm done waiting.

What is like to be wanted? To be craved in every aspect? To have some one who simply longs to be in your company? This is a feeling that I am unaccustomed too. I would not know it if I was feeling it; however, I am certain that I want it. I want it for you, for me, for us. I want you to crave me like that. To simply desire me to be with you. My touch, sent, laughter, warmth, voice, my everything. Want me like I want you. Surely, that is all I want.

All I want
All I crave..
Is the one thing I'll never have.