It's always the same thing day in and day out. The same discussion, the same problems, the same longings. There's nothing I can do to get out of this rut I seem to be stuck in. I can't seem to break this mold. I have nothing to say that I haven't already said; no new emotions, feelings, or thoughts. I'm just so...empty. I should be happy. I have so many reasons to be. But the negativity of those around me has begin to engulf me. I'm downing in a sea of ungratefulness, forgetfulness, hatred, anger, and loneliness. I push everyone away because for some reason I'm still stuck on you. I can't be happy because my family is falling apart, my life is falling apart, my whole world is crumbling before me. I can't even cry about it. I am beyond ready to get out of this goodbye town and start fresh and new. I want to go somewhere and rebuild my outlook on life, love, and happiness. I know that they exist, just...not here. There's nothing this place could offer me. It destroys, distrusts, and degrades. That's not where I want to be.

I know I can't commit to you. As much as I wish I could, and as many nights I stay up thinking about you... I can't. Your life is here and I'll be gone soon. I'm leaving and I'll hopefully never come back. I can't spend the little bit of love I have left on you when I know it won't last. I'm not optimistic, but you've given me no reason to be. I'm going and you're staying in this hell hole. This place ***** the light out of my soul. It gives me no reason to stay, I just wish that you would..

Why am I like this? How have I become what I once hated? There's no thrill, there isn't a rush, I'm not thriving. I don't know what to do, how to fix it. I simply feel empty, abandoned, alone. The more I pour my heart into you the more it hurts everytime you go. Maybe that's my problem: I always forget that everyone leaves. They move on to something better, happier, calmer. Something "less complicated". I don't care about it being complicated.. All I ever wanted was you. But you don't see me. To you I'm just invisible.

So this is what it's like to wake up invisible to the world. Irrelevant to life. This is what it feels like to not have one single soul care to see whether you are dead or alive. This, is what it is like. Ya know, some things are just how we'd expect them to be. It feels empty. It feels like I'm numb to everything, nothing could take away this feeling. People don't see that you are sad, depressed, alone. You could say those exact words to their faces and they still wouldn't get the picture. Maybe they're oblivious to what's starring them in the face. Maybe they do see you, they do see what you're going through, what you're saying.. They just don't know what to do about it. They don't want to cause more harm than good. They want to help, but they don't now how. Maybe.. Right? There's hope, they say...a chance. But who really believes in chances..

My head hurts. The only thing that reminds me that I'm alive, is a constant migraine. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I mean nothing. I am nothing. Not to you, not to anyone. I am constantly trying to fill this gaping hole that you've left me with. Constantly trying to cover up just how wrecked and damaged I am, so that people don't see it, but I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally - exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can put on this facade. I don't know how much longer I can continue to cover up your tracks. I try to fix the damage you've done, but I'm not damage control. There's too much, even for me. I don't know how much longer you're going to stay under raps. One day, everyone will see you for why you are. They'll see who you've become, and what you've done. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or the day after... But one day your secret will be out. They say there's always going to be monsters under the bed, as we get older the monsters change. I just never thought my monster would be the same person who used to tuck me in at night...

I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting you. Nothing anyone can do or say can fill this hole you've left. It's like I'm walking around with only one leg, one arm, one eye, one lung, one half of my heart. I don't know how to fix it, to fill it. I want to be able to make it through the day without being reminded of what I should have said, could have done, might have had... You were all I wanted, all I want. Nothing really has changed except now you're there, I'm here. You still don't notice me, see me. You're still content with not letting anyone in. You still don't see that I see through the ******* you hand out, I see what's really going on. But, you don't know that, you can't realize that. For some reason.. I still want you. I still want you even though you ignore me. I still want you even though you talk to other women. I still want you even if you don't want me. And I hate myself for it. Why can't I just let it go, let you go? I'm tired of thinking about you, your sister, your family. I'm tired of having your face pop up in my head thinking I'll see you when I turn the corner. I'm tired of not ever being able to escape you. I'm just tired of it all. I want to know if it ever ends, if I ever stop feeling like I'm drowning. Like I'm buried deep in regrets. I wonder if I ever get a chance to live again...

I'm good with words. I know how to build people up or completely break them. I've realized that people tend to take on one another's stress and worry about them or sympathize for them. That's why I don't like sharing my stress or making a big deal out of my problems. Even if it kills me, sharing is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to vent to you and unload my burden just so that now you.must carry it. It's my struggle. My burden. My life. I have no choice but to carry it. I don't want peoples sympathy. I don't want them to worry about me. I simply want them to understand what I'm going through and move on. Because, that's all I'm worth.

I'm addicted. You've got me hooked. I'm addicted to your smile: the way you look into my eyes and see right through me, through all the lies and disguises. I'm addicted to your touch: how your body presses against me when we hug, or how your hands seem to wonder when we're alone, and the bittersweet taste of our goodbye kiss. I'm addicted to the high you set me off on. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world! Like you and I are the only people in the universe that matter. I smile on the darkest of days, why? Because of you. I have hope that I'll make it through these times, why? Because I have you. With anyone else our silence would be considered awkward and would be filled with meaningless small talk; but with you... It's simply perfect, because we understand each other. The silence, the noise, it's all the same. You know me better than anyone. You know what I'll say before it's said, you know my hopes, dreams, and fears. You make me high, and I can't get enough. You're more addictive than heroine, *******, or ****; and I don't want to stop.

I want you to want me, like I want you. I want you to need me, like I need you. I want to be the person you think about when you can't sleep at night, and when you first wake up in the morning. I want little things like a song, a commercial, or a piece of clothing to remind you of me. I want you to imagine us together. Imagine all the things we could be, do, and see. Together. Us. You and me. I want us to be more than just friends. I want us to be more than what we are or were. I want us to be the couple everyone looks at and is jealous of. I know we could be. I know we could be a power couple, constantly pushing each other to be better. I want to explore new things with you. Let's go on adventures, let's go get lost together. I want to build something so big, so pure, so real with you that it never really ends. I want you to want this. I want you to want me.

You were the one constant thing in my life. The one thing I could count on. That summer, I knew that no matter how awful my day had been, talking to you would always make it better. I could look forward to waking up every morning, because I knew you would have already told me "Good Morning Sunshine!". I was the first person you talked to in the morning, and the last you spoke with at night. You could always tell when I was irritated, sad, or mad...no mater how hard I tried to mask it. For the first time in my life, someone cared. The thing about it was though... I cared too.

Maybe not in the beginning, but as things progressed there was an undeniable connection. Every day all I could think about was you, small little things reminded me of you. I was falling for you. I didn't know it then, but I was. You seemed perfect. All it took was one summer: Three, short, sweet months. All day, everyday, caring a conversation without getting bored or annoyed, all I felt was calm, happy, anxious for what you'd say. One summer, then it all just...stopped.

I can't pinpoint why, how, or when the exact moment was that I noticed you growing distant. It might have been because of your job, my school, a girl. Who knows? All I know is that you suddenly had no more time for me. For our late night conversations, mid-day chats, or to remind me that I was what you thought of the very first thing in the morning.

Maybe it happened slowly; perhaps it was all at once.

It's been months since we last spoke. I woke up Sunday and for some reason all I thought of was you. You, you, you, you... I did the stupidest thing too... I re-connected with you. Ugh. I shouldn't have done that. At least now, I know what to expect. It was surprising though, you sounded like.. you actually missed me. It's impossible though, I know you don't. I know you do...

It was one summer, one love, one ending.

It hurts. I've found that the exit wounds never fully heal. They stand as a reminder of all the people who have left, are leaving or are going to leave. The pain never dies. The memories live on. Memories of a child, ripped for her family never able to see them again. Forced into a place of  total isolation; knowing no one. memories of the one and only friend you ever had, dying before your eyes, to save your life. Never given the chance to say goodbye.. Of the only person you have ever loved, telling you they love someone else... not knowing why or how or when, but they go. Yeah, it hurts.

I don't know if I'd call this.. this life, living. Yes, physically I am alive. My heart beats, my lungs take in oxygen. But I feel nothing. Walking amongst the crowds invisible to all; without purpose, without responsibility, without hope. No one sees the pain in my eye as a cry for help. It's just normal, regular, me. They tell me to "get over it", "move on", "find someone new", "it'll be okay"; but how? How can I? I have no idea where to begin. Day in and day out he is all I think about. It's almost repulsive really how obsessive I've become. It'd be different if I'd actually spoken to him, I suppose. I haven't said a word to him in over four months besides " Happy New Year", even then it was nothing special. This is pathetic. I am a pathetic. Why can't I just face reality? Accept the truth. In my heart, I know if I ever mattered, he would have reached out.

I'm stuck in a rut. Always the same routine. I'm going through the motions, and I just want it all to end. I want to feel something; something positive! I want to be able to wake up each morning looking forward to life, not when I'll be able to sleep next.. I don't want to just live life, I want to be alive. Feel alive!


So why can't I...

I'm scared. I don't want to get close to you again just to have you leave. I can't. I've gone through so much to be at this point. A point where I'm not constantly thinking about you, day in and day out wondering if it would ever get easier, better. Yet, still praying I'd never forget you. If it took me six months to get here, how long will it take me to get back? Maybe I don't want to go back. All I really want is to stay in your arms forever. For you to hold me and never let go. Make me feel save, and know it'll all be okay in the end. Too bad we don't always get what we want. Too bad it's not up to me. I know I could make you happy.

Even I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I'm feeling everything in the world rest upon my shoulders, slowly pushing me into the ground. Every thought that could have crossed my mind, has. I wouldn't even know where to begin..

When I was younger I always saw growing up as a fun, momentous, life changing experience. I was willing to give up anything to get here. But now, I'd give anything to go back. Growing up is overrated. People change their minds in a blink of an eye, constantly having to look over your shoulder to see who is coming at you with a knife, having to prove yourself to people who are impossible to please. It's not fun; and it's not easy. But it's life.

I've spent endless days, countless hours, and numerous thought on you since you've been gone. I wouldn't even know where to start. I have been utterly speechless, breathless, emotionless. I don't know how to fix it. You are my remedy. You are the one thing that hurts, yet heals; scorns but encourages, hates although loves. You are a mystery to me. A jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. You make my darkness disappear.

I'm angry. I'm angry at my parents for lying to me about love; and not encouraging me to take a risk for you. I'm angry because I believed after sixteen years we would have developed some type of.. friendship. I'm angry because  I thought all those things you did and said meant something to you: more than words. Because, I thought I meant something to you.. I'm angry because I feel for you and you weren't there to catch me. Because I keep falling; everyday. I'm angry at you because you don't seem to see me. I don't make a difference. Most of all, I'm angry at God for taking you away from me. It feels like life has just stopped since you left. Everything has hit the breaks... and I crashed. I'm angry because despite the distance, the lies, the brokenness, I still love you..

Right now, in this moment, I feel like I'm just barely beginning to be able to catch my breath. Like I've been running, running for years trying to escape you and I'm finally slowing down. It's five months, on the dot; and I still have no idea what I'd say to you, if anything, giving the chance. I don't think I'll ever get bast this mile maker until I fully explain myself to you. It's the only way I'll be able to let you go. Part of me can't help but think I'm merely delusional. I have simply imagined everything we've said together, done together, been together. I made it all seem bigger that it was. I guess the only way is to tell you and see what you say.

But, we all know how soon that'll happen..

I'm numb. I can't feel anything, nothing at all. It's as if I'm trapped in a deep, dark abyss with no way out. And no one can know. I'm living in a state of utter carelessness. I don't care what's happened, what's happening, nor what is about to happen. I find it difficult to care about anyone or anything. Hell, I can't even care about myself. There are times when I just want it all to be over. I want this battle to end. There are times when I just want to be happy, truly happy, for once. I wanna know what it's like to feel again. But no one sees it. No one sees me breaking. No one can see that I'm dying from the inside out. No one sees the subtle hints I drop everywhere in desperation of being found out. No, no one can see through the constant, everyday "I'm fine", no one can see through the indefinite fake smiles flashed toward them. No, they can't.

Because I'm alright, only dying.

Thinking about you is exhausting. It’s overwhelming. Wondering how you are, how you've been. Having every little thing bring back a memory of you. A memory that stays in my mind for hours, days even. Thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you; all the times I needed you to be there for me, but you weren’t. Wondering if I had told you those-three simple, yet so very complicated- words, if it would have made a difference. Any at all.
                                                      If you would have stayed.
Sometimes I almost forget you left; then I remember. I make myself remember. Remember the most painful things. I don’t know why I do. It’s like every time the wound is almost healed, I cut it back open with a rusted, double edge sword; but this time
                                                                ­ slower,
                                                                ­                    deeper,
                                                                ­                                longer.
I guess the feeling of pain- of missing you- is better than feeling nothing at all.

It's late, or early rather. I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I can’t stop playing back memory after memory, wishing I could have, would have done something different. I miss him, like crazy. Not a day has gone by since he left that I haven’t thought about him. It’s been almost three months. Three months without seeing his face, hearing his voice, feeling his embrace… I know he had to go, I just wish… I wish I would have told him. It’s too late now. I lost my chance. I had so many opportunities. He gave me so many signs. I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep saying “it’ll get better”, and to some extent it has. But the pain is still there. There is still a dull void eating me alive.

                                     I miss him.

                                                     I love him.
                                                                 That’s all I really know.

I'm sorry I'm not alright.
I'm sorry I can't fix me.
I'm sorry you don't care.
Please stop pretending everything is fine, when it's not.
Its not your fault you're never around.
It's my fault for thinking you would be.
I'm sorry I'm not your perfect girl.
I'm sorry I can't do anything right.
I'm sorry I love you.
I'm never gonna have all the answers.
I'm never going to forget about these years.
I'm always going to be broken.
I'm sorry you don't know what you're missing.
I'm sorry I care.
I'm not perfect.
Good luck finding someone who is.

I'm trying so hard not to fall apart.
Trying to find the pieces of this broken heart scattered across the floor.
As tears run down my face.
I search for a state of grace.
Foolishly I let you in,
Gave you all I have to give.
You left with a piece of my heart.
I'm just trying to go back to the start.

I guess I'm too ******* up for you.
I'm not 'normal' enough.
I'd be the first to admit I have a shitload of problems.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I'm not good enough for crap.
I'm way to nice to people who don't deserve it.
I'm tired of being walked on.
I'm tired of apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.
I'd hate to bother you.
I'm always here for you, but where are you when I need you?
I should stop expecting you to show up.
You don't care.
But did you ever?
I'm' tired of pretending everything is fine.
Cause it's not.

I guess I'm too ******* up for you.
I'm not 'normal' enough.
I'd be the first to admit I have a shitload of problems.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I'm not good enough for crap.
I'm way to nice to people who don't deserve it.
I'm tired of being walked on.
I'm tired of apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.
I'd hate to bother you.
I'm always here for you, but where are you when I need you?
I should stop expecting you to show up.
You don't care.
But did you ever?
I'm' tired of pretending everything is fine.
Cause it's not.

Who gave you the right to be so perfect?
I'd love to be mad at you since you're an ***; but, whenever I'm with you..
I forget.
I forget how to feel pain.
I forget how to smile in vain.
I forget about the scars.
How I feel like I'm behind bars.
I forget about all the things you've done.
I only think about how you've won.
Won my heart.
It's crazy, I know.
But whenever you look into my eyes,
They no longer feel the need to cry.
If I could relive those moments over and over, I would.
Then I think about it... and
You're not mine to love.
You're not mine to have.
You're not mine to hold.
But please..
Be the one to help me forget.

You made your point.
I see the picture.
You obviously want nothing to do with me.
Why can't I just leave it be?
I thought it would be a lot easier to accept.
I guess there is just so much I regret.
I regret never telling you how I feel.
I regret always reading into things.
But mostly, I regret falling.
Falling for your words; I should've recognized the sweet sound of lies.
Your hugs, you'd hold me and never let go.
Your kiss, the sweet taste of your lips on mine.
Falling in love with someone who could never truly love me back.
If I can learn to let go of these things, maybe I can let go of you.
The worst part is, I knew it'd end like this from the start.
I thought this would make it easier,
But it's not.

I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff
   And no one's there to catch me.
      Everywhere I look you're all I see.
         I can't feel anything; nothing at all.
           Feelingless.
              Emotionless.
                 Numb.
                    You say you love me;
                        But, you don't show it.
                          You say you care;
                             But, I don't know it.
                                I could leave and no one would notice.
                                   Why do I have to feel this way?
                                       Can't I just be okay?
                                             I'm f
                                                     a
                                                        l
     ­                                                     l
          ­                                                  i
                                                              n
                                                                ­g,
                                                              ­        f
                                                       ­             a
                                                  ­                     l
                                                              ­            l
                                                   ­                         i
                                                                ­             n
                                                                ­                g,
                                              ­                                          falling fast,
                                                                ­                          falling hard.

                                                          ­                                                          
                                                                ­                                                    

                                                               ­                                                       Someone notice before it's too late.