she was slightly suicidal

partly crazy

but mostly alone



-k.l.

i painted my nails so i would feel pretty
but it didn't really work
what a shame, such a pity



-k.l.

i must be allergic to kindness
because i don't receive any
i must be a pathetic loser
because my blades are my only friends
i must be lonely and alone
because i am always ignored
i must be dead
because i feel nothing but numb

i must be skinny
because i don't eat, right?

wrong



-k.l.

such a small word
blending into the background
always making an appearance
but never recognized
so used
so beaten up
so lost among the swirling fog
such a simple concept
but as familiar to us as water
slowly trickling over our sentences
over our words
embellishing our writing without us even knowing
sometimes
i like to think
that we should become more aware
of the little things
of the tiny details
of the lowercase
in our lives



-k.l.

no matter what anyone else says or does
the world will always make you feel
small
and insignificant
and worthless



-k.l.

i spent a week
in the behavioral center
psych ward
mental hospital

they said three to five days
they said they wanted to monitor
i spent a week

simplistic routine
group and rec therapy
all so they could see
why
i was feeling the things i felt

asking questions
getting personal
i spent a week

new medication
new friends
new experiences
new diagnosis

all from the psych ward

i notice it everywhere now
why i do the things i do

bipolar
a simple word that explains
EVERYTHING

it all makes sense
the decisions i make
that i wouldn’t normally make

it all makes sense
the racing thoughts
twenty four seven three sixty five

it all makes sense
the excessive shopping
with money i don’t have

it all makes sense
my mouth and my brain
racing
but not on the same track

it all makes sense

i spent a week
in the psych ward



-k.l.

the girl who once had so much to say
is now afraid to open her mouth



-k.l.

it's all just a big game of
russian roulette
and i'm running out of empty barrels



-k.l.

sometimes time heals things that aren't necessarily broken



-k.l.

have you ever wanted
to cut your wrists
so much
that you bleed out

so much
that all you feel is numb
and raw

have you ever wanted
to starve yourself
so much
to the point of starvation

so much
that your thighs don't touch
and all the fat is gone

have you ever wanted
to end it all
so much
that you dream about it

so much
because when you're finally gone
it'll be so much easier for everyone else



-k.l.

i have bruises where you bit me
and scars from where i cut
your words were so deceiving
but now i'm out of luck



-k.l.

her skin is smooth, the scars are gone
but little do you know
she acts like everything's okay
yet she feels like she's alone

did you check her stomach?
and did you see her hips?
there's pain inside her eyes
and a fake smile on her lips



-k.l.

tears rolled down her face
and
her chin rested on the porcelain toilet bowl
and
the white paper towel slowly stained red with her blood



-k.l.

and she cried
completely alone again

ugly red letters carved into her skin



-k.l.

binge and purge
rinse and repeat
fake a smile
and never eat
never let them in on it
never let them see
they'll never hear your silent cry
they'll never hear your plea



-k.l.

i write
when i am at a loss
for words



-k.l.