i'm not seeking an end to this sorrow,
because i feel that feeling as sad,
broken, remorseful as i am
might propel me
to doing something
about changing my existence
for the better, not temporarily,

but permanently.
i want this summer
to be the summer
whereby i effectuate this change,
effectively return to the world
from the shadowlands
in which i've existed for so long.

Dear, I haven't been in touch
For a long time.
Sorry.
The last time I saw you
Was in St. Christopher's Place.
It was a lovely evening...
When I knocked that chair over.
I am sorry.
Since then,
I've had not a few accidents
Of that kind.
                                                              
Just three days ago,
I slipped out in a garden
At a friend's house...
And keeled over, not once,
Not twice, but three times,
Like a log...clonking my nut
So violently that people heard me
In the sitting room.
What's more,
I can't remember a single sentence
Spoken all evening. The problem is...

I was happy,
TV nightly,
As a family,

Simple pleasures,
Any Umbrellas,
Family holidays,

I was happy,
Perhaps the world was happy,
Or happier at least.

O how
Ruefully I pine
For mi pueblito perdido,
What I wouldn’t give,
To be young again,
And happy as I was back then.

Maria, full of peace,
Do you remember
Francis Albert softly keening
O Amor Em Paz,
And other songs by Jobim,
Happy as you were back then?

O for
That wide-eyed
Impression of yours,
Paquita (la de Murcia),
Of your beloved Mary Lyn,
Happy as you were back then.

O how
Ruefully I pine
For mi pueblito perdido,
What I wouldn’t give,
To be young again,
And happy as I was back then.

I awake each morning
With fresh hope
And tranquility;
I might go for a saunter
Down quiet London backstreets...
Soon my aimlessness
Depresses me,
And I realise
I'd been deceiving myself
As to my ability
To relax as others do.

I decided on a Special B
Before the eve.
I bought a lager
At the bar
And chatted to Gaye.
Then Ray
Bought me another.
I appreciated the fact
That he remembered
The time he,
His gal Chris,
And Cary downed
An entire bottle
Of Jack Daniels
In a Paris-bound train.
                                                                    
A tanned cat
Bought me a (large) half,
Then another half.
My fatal eyes
Are my downfall.
I drank yet another half...

My head was spinning
When it hit the pillow;
I awoke
With a terrible headache
Around one o'clock.
I prayed it would depart.

I slowly got dressed.
I was as chatty as ever
Before the exam...
French/English translation.
Periodically I put my face
In my hands or groaned
Or sighed -
My stomach
was burning me inside.
                                                                    
I finished my paper
In 1 hour and a half.
As I walked out
I caught various eyes
Amanda's, Jade's (quizzical) etc.
I went to bed;
Slept 'till five;
Read O'Neill until 7ish...
Got dressed,
And strolled down
To Golders Green,
In order to relive
A few memories.
I sang to myself -
A few memories
Flashed into my mind,
But not as many
as I'd have liked -
It wasn't the same.
It wasn't the same.
                                                                    
Singing songs brought
Voluptuous tears.
I snuck into McDonald's
Where I felt at home,
Anonymous, alone.
I bought a few things,
Toothpaste and pick,
Chocolate, yoghurts,
Sweets, cigarettes
And fruit juice.

Took a sentimental journey
Back to Powis Gardens,
Richness
And intensity,
Romantic
And attractive,
Sad, suspicious and strange.
I sat up until 3am,
Reading O'Neill,
Or writing (inept) poetry.
Awoke at 10,
But didn't leave
My room till 12,
Lost my way
To Swiss Cottage,
Lost my happiness.
Oh so conscious
Of my failure,
And after a fashion,
Enjoying this knowledge.

Two days ago, I decided
To realise
Some cherished memories
Of my beloved little pueblo;
So I drank about five glasses
Of Monteviejo
In preparation for
The rediscovery of
The town of my heart.
Firstly, I sat in the bar
Where I used to meet
All my friends,
And was assaulted
By the prices of the drinks
And the volume of the music.
I searched the place
With my eyes
For the innocence and laughter
Of yesteryear, but in vain.
The young people are forced
Into tight little groups,
So atmosphere
Is ponderous and alienating.
Where is the fun?
The wild and foolish socialising?
The comic local music?
All gone. I could cry.
Oh, these nerves, this living death.  
I am so full of fear,
Lethargy and fury,  
I can hardly function.
There's a lack of innocence
Of simplicity
And is this change
From deep within me?
The freedom,
The spark of youth
Is gone,
Or have I merely lost it?
Sophistication spoils,
The city ravages,
Senses refined
By knowledge and wine.

It was she, bless her,
who followed me...
she’d been crying...
she’s too good for me,
that’s for sure...
“Your friends
are too good to you...
it makes me sick
to see them...
you don’t really give...
you indulge in conversation,
but your mind
is always elsewhere,
ticking over.
You could hurt me,
you know...
You are a Don Juan,
so much.
Like him, you have
no desires...
I think you have
deep fears...
There’s something so...so...
in your look.
It’s not that
you’re empty...
but that there is
an omnipresent sadness
about you, a fatality...”

Costa Calida sun,
I hope we’re reunited,
Though I can’t say when,
I may see you again,

Costa Calida sun
Means memories romantic,
Of when that I was young,
Memories of Spain.

Stevie, we were free,
Stevie, you and me,
On that golden day,
Was it '68?
The decade's last few days,
The whole wild world was crazed,
But where we were was peace,
For you and me at least.
                                                                    
If I stop for a moment,
I dream groves and country paths,
Green's Albatross is playing
In this our past,
Whole empires were falling,
The old ways were fading fast,
Things never last,
But you and I found peace at last.

We weren't friends for long,
Things began so strong,
We were far from home,
Together less alone,
We drifted far apart,
We grew up oh so fast,
We had so far to fall,
Four years took their toll.
                                                                    
We walked and talked
For many hours,
Safe under blue Berkshire skies.

If I wasn’t sure
Of all the nostalgia
I’d endure,
I would wish to explore
Some of those moments again.

How your mummy, she knew mine,
They’d been friends
For a little time,
Like the time that you explained,
Your first name, it was Jane.

I really loved you, Jane,
Though you only gave me pain,
You were the girl
Who said hello the first,
But it only ended for the worse.

In our local swimming pool,
I swam so close to you,
Did you smirk
To your bob-haired friend,
Between the deep and shallow end?

So I just shyly slinked away,
Feeling such a fool that day,
Pet Clark reinforced
My bitter woe,
Singing "My Love" on the radio.

I really loved you, Jane,
Though you only gave me pain,
You were the girl
Who said hello the first,
But it only ended for the worse.

I go back, though
Sometimes it’s filled with pain,
I go back, ’cos
Nothing will be the same,
Precious places
I first knew,
When life and youth
And love were new,
I flow back, and
Memories flow back too.

I yearned for another,
Who wasn’t you,
But she wasn’t there,
Unlike you,
At a long lost party
In old Cambridge town.

Did I fall
Just a little for you,
While longing for another,
Who wasn’t you,
At a long lost party
In old Cambridge town.

I go back,
Though sometimes it’s filled with pain,
I go back,
‘cos nothing will be the same
Precious places
I first knew,
When life and youth,
And hope were new
I flow back,
And memories flow back too.

When I was young,
I was so carefree,
At least that’s how
It seems to me,
Isn’t it strange,
How things turn out to be?

Full of hope,
Full of passionate dreams,
A thrilling new world
Lay right before me,
Isn’t it strange,
How things turn out to be?

Glass half full,
Then it’s half empty,
My mood can change
So very unpredictably,
Isn’t it strange,
How things turn out to be?

Oh! With what unspeakable anguish
Do I regret the vocation
I came so close
And so oft to having
The sweet acclamation
That might have been mine.

Had I tried and failed,
That would scarcely concern me,
Yet, I squandered my resources
Time and time again,
And failed so unnecessarily,
That is what so torments me.

I only wish I could contemplate
More than a mere handful
Of past achievements with pride
And satisfaction,
But even this paltry compensation,
Remains stubbornly beyond me.

Oh! With what unspeakable anguish
Do I regret the vocation
I came so close
And so oft to having
The sweet acclamation
That might have been mine.

I do not understand
Why he sabotaged me so consummately,
And made me look like  
Such a pathetic old patsy,

Could he not discern the misery
He was shoring up by degrees,
Over the course of the years
For the self he would ultimately be?

It was perforce a former version of me,
Who led me to this place
Of near-incessant mourning,
A narcissistic anomaly,

Who never wanted the precious gifts
Of peace and domesticity,
The little ones that might have been,
He spirited them all away from me.

How my heart can ache for the lonely,
Then I’d like to comfort them all,
Hold them close
Until their sorrow goes,
This great big world
Can seem so cold,

O woe, some end up alone,
Forlorn souls
Longing for someone,
That’s all,
Someone to save them,
What’s more, someone to love them.

The legs started going,
Howlings
In my head.
Thought I'd go,
Kept awake with water,
Breathing,
Arrogantly telling myself
I'd stay straight.
Drank gin and wine,
Went out,
Tried to buy more,
Unshaven,
Filthy white shorts,
Lost, rolling on lawn,
Somehow got home.
Monday, waiting for offie,
Looked like death,
Fear in eyes
Of passers-by,
Waiting for drink,
Drink relieved me.
Drank all day,
Collapsed, wept;
"Don't Die on Me."
Next day,
Double brandy
Just about settled me,
Drank some more,
Thought constantly
I'd collapse;
Then what?
Fit? Coronary?
Insanity? Worse?
Took a Heminevrin,
Paced the house
All night,
Pain in chest,
Weak legs,
Lack of feeling
In extremities,
Visions of darkness.
Drank water
To keep the
Life functions going,
Played devotional music,
Dedicated my life
To God,
Prayed constantly,
Renounced evil.
Next day,
Two Valiums
Helped me sleep.
By eve,
I started to feel better.
Suddenly,
All is clearer,
Taste, sounds,
I feel human again.
I made my choice,
And oblivion has receded,
And shall disappear.

I betrayed myself
During my younger days,
And opened myself up to shame,
I betrayed myself
During my younger days,
Over and over again,

And there are times
That knowing what I did
Is too much for me to stand,
And there are times
That knowing what I did
Is a source of the utmost pain,

I betrayed myself
During my younger days,
Repeatedly wrecked my dreams,
I betrayed myself
During my younger days,
Over and over again.

Another me
There was another me
But not the better me,
But so carefree,

A better me,
That’s who I am today,
So secluded that I may be
A better me,

I brought
Happy go lucky joy,
To many,
You might say I was a golden boy,

A better me,
That’s who I am today,
So secluded that I may be,
A better me,

I can’t be the madcap
I used to be,
Simply,
I would not wish to be,

A better me,
That’s who I am today,
So secluded that I may be,
A better me.

I’m so sorry, my beloved old friend,
I didn’t even know you had gone,
That you had left us very suddenly,
Some twenty years ago last February,
Please forgive me, my beloved old friend,

For failing to see you more frequently,
For I might have provided some comforting,
Even lessened your terrible suffering,
But I only found out recently,
Please forgive me, my beloved old friend.

Soon, I’ll sleep again,
And I will feel no pain,
For a little time,
Peace will be all mine,
My mind will seek
Freedom from the past,
And I’ll be carefree,
Although it will not last.

Dear one, what did you say?
A dining hall, a distant day,
It seems it was time
For goodbye,
Speaking of my eyes,
‘They shine so bright’,
Words said (or words of this kind),

If this was true and that they did,
Because of feelings that I hid,
I must have longed
For you to stay,
But I didn’t beg you, ‘please don’t leave!’
I must have seemed so cavalier,
And something precious had to fade.

Oh, at long last
I’ve found you,
Only the news
Ain’t so good,
Seems you found love,
You seem happy,
And so fulfilled,
But did I think that
You’d be lonely
For all those years?
Oh, what was I
Looking for?
You tried so hard,
But I never thawed,
Seems you found love,
I’m so unhappy,
Cos I never knew
What I found and,
What I lost and,
How much I’d miss you.