As I grow older, many will envy my good memory
If I could give my memories away I would
But I'm drinking too much to try to release them
Instead, I'm crouched over the toilet and they've made a home in my throat
And all that is coming up is ***** and tears

Someone said when faced with a decision
always take the hardest one
because that is the one that will help you grow
But why would I pick the stubborn, drug addict boy
When I could go with the boy who is smart and truly cares about me?
Why would I go out with these girls who don't   care,
When I could be at home watching tv with my mother?
I could tell you said it, but it wouldn't be relevant
because yes, I'm growing, but into a person I despise.

The underneath of my eyelids
show your jet black hair and
your band t-shirts.
My brain produces your voice
like a fire alarm, but I can't get out.
You called me your little dear,
but I was a fool to think
you picked this animal
in an exotic jungle.

I hope she fits in the spaces you spent so much time putting between us.
I hope her lips taste like candy and they replace to addiction to cigarettes.
I hope she pulls out the best in you even when you feel like the devil himself.
I hope that you don't say the same things to her you said to me.
I hope you love her a little less than you did with me.

Music is supposed to make us feel happy, so why is it that whenever I click shuffle I have to skip songs in order to not cry because they all have you in them?

And I'm lacking all affection
Even though you believe we have a connection
I can't take it back
I feel like I'm under attack
I didn't imagine it this way
So now here I lay
with my mirrors facing down
because looking at myself I frown
I'm not me anymore
I just feel like an easy *****

Your words removed the straps from my shirt
and they unhinged the clasp to my bra.
Your rough and frigid hands glide over my chest
and I couldn't help but blush.
I told you you weren't supposed to be doing this.
You told me, she did it too, why can't I?
My chapped lips were wetted by you.
But now my eyes can't see to become dry either.
You're actions forced me out of that car
And baby, I ain't ever coming back.

What is behind the golden gate?
Is it fluffy clouds
and nothing has hate?
Will my body stay six feet under?
Or is there a new land
without rain or thunder?
Will the darkness disappear?
Will the light of God
wash over me as deceased friends reappear?
Some say to live would be an awfully big adventure,
But when I pass, I can't wait to explore where I venture

The noises in the back
Make it hard for me not to smack
That buzzing fly I can't seem to ****.
All the other students do is make the teacher ill.
English used to be my favorite class
But now I dread it due to your sass.
No, it isn't funny when you shout ****** things
So here I am giving you some tellings
You don't have a purpose
No, you idiot, you are worthless.

It's the first time
In a long time
That I've even felt wanted
he made promises he couldn't keep
but your promises are written in stone
he never called me beautiful
but I'm told daily by you
I used to thank God for him
But my prayers are about you now
And it's never felt so good to pray

You smelt musky like a mystery
and had a cloud of gray swallowing you
from the cigarette swallowing your lungs.
If that smell floated off of anyone else,
I would've been repulsed by the cancer stick.
You didn't notice my eyes' constant gaze
of the crevices of your pale face.
I thank God I got out with your Facebook page,
I don't know what I would do if I couldn't contact you.
I would probably feel like I do now that you're gone.
I feel hungry for attention
And crave that scent that lingers in my nose.

My chest aches
My heart sinks
My body tenses

There is a hole in my stomach
and I wish I could dry my eyes
but all I see is what they refuse to hid

everyone is happy
with a lover or friends
and I'm in drowning in emptiness

Why the **** isn't anyone offering me a hand?

I breathed in a hit
from your girlfriend,
or my best friend's ***.
It helped me to laugh
when you kissed her goodnight

You treated me awfully
but I can't tell if I am jealous
or just a worried friend.

*- I thought you were gone, but your back in my life like a seasonal cold

To Bailey, I know you as a baby blue in the way you were just a boy, but loved me more than any man could.  I thank you for giving me high standards of men, but now I am disappointed with everyone who doesn't love me as much as you.

To Sean, I know you as a navy blue, which is the starting color of a mood ring, you are always changing and each time getting more mysterious.  I thank for teaching me a basic crush and helping me learn it is okay to just be friends.  You were the first guy I was infactuated in.

To Austin, I know you as brown, your life was ***** and so were your grades, I was your maid.  You were more like a project and you treated me like the way you treated grades; a joke.  Thank you because I've blocked out everything good about you and can now only see your hand gliding across my face, from you I learned how to forgive without revenege.

To Parks. I know you as a traffic cone orange, simply saying WARNING: I AM TOXIC.  You were an outcast around me, but attempted to be someone you weren't around others.  I don't thank you for anything, you scarred me and I haven't been the same since you got what you wanted and told everyone I was lesbian when I realized you weren't what I wanted.  

To Jack, I know you as a cloudy, soft gray, you aren't always sad,  but you're not exactly happy either.  You taught me it was okay to be out of the norm and doing that won't crush my mom.  I thank you for realizing that love doesn't have to come out of the good times.  The bad parts sometimes give you the best people.

To Chandler, I know you as silver liquid, it took you no time to fill my veins and make me feel wanted.  Thank you for teaching me that if a guy is as smooth as you,  he doesn't really want me.  You gave me my first high school embarassment.  Cause of you, everyone calls me when they need a fix.

To Nate, I know you as a dark green, your opinion on me floated around like wind through the trees.  You wanted me life to be over and tried everything you could to ruin it.  Thank you for teaching me it is okay to be talked about because now you come over everyday and ask for me back.

To Jonah, I know you as a midnight black, the color I see when I look at memories.  I threw you away, just like you threw away my effort.  Your kind aren't made for girls like me, thank you for informing me.

I listen to you speak
About how she makes you weak
but it isn't her you spent Christmas with
but it isn't her who sits in the bleachers at your games
You never listen to me speak
About things that make me weak

My mom didn't like you
No, you were too different,
But you loved me until death
And I think that made it worse,
When I had to leave you
Oh God, it still hurts.
I call your phone sometimes
just to make sure it rings.
One day you'll pick up,
I hope for those little things.
My family was a mountain
that we couldn't quite move

I tried so **** hard to forget you, so hard.  But you telling me how long you've been here waiting just shows me why I held on so long.  
It just shows why I scavenged ever piece of the shipwreck that floated up to the top.  Those were the enjoyable memories, but the anchor is still at the bottom of the ocean.  
And that is why we can't fight this any longer.  face it, neither of us can pull the anchor out of the water anymore.

You used to be so gentle when your cheek touched mine.  But your lips and checks have gradually faded away and your fist is a replacement.
You used to be so kind when you opened the doors for me and kissed me goodnight. But instead it's slamming doors, and calling me a **** because I've kissed to many boys goodnight.
You used to be so handsome when you were so fit and healthy.  Now instead, you skin droops and your stubble has turned nasty and gray.
You used to love me equally, but now I'm your slave, drowning in what you used to be.