I don’t usually do this
In fact, not at all

These reasons I don't
Is the fear of the fall

But that hunger in your stare,
Your hands interlaced in my hair

Had my heart at a standstill
You've got me at your complete will...

But boy that smile
Beats all these miles

And here I sit
So in love...
You're it

Remember staring at the same night sky?
Remember when your touch made her feel alive?

But do you remember when you hurt her heart?
Remember when you tore her apart?

Oh she loved you thoroughly
Yes, you were all she could see

Every let down wedged you both away
Every let down her heart had to pay

Now, she can't gasp out one word
No... she can't even be heard...

She knew you were it
But she can't commit

You give her every excuse in the book
Every hope she had you took

But will you ever truly understand?
The pain she endured when she took your hand...?

She's not going to come out of this the same
Her heart had the bullseye for your aim...

I see you there…
By the lake skipping stones on the smoothed crisp water

It is a cool summer evening
The sunset mirrors upon the water

I see your depths of care
As each movement you make is made with deep perspective

The details of your precious face fade away into a silhouette as the sun calls it a night

I see your smile
As you take my hand and we walk the horizon

Your sky is of amber glow
Beaming to warm my life

I am the breeze
That caresses your soft expression

I see you there…
By the lake skipping stones on the smoothed crisp water

My sky is deep purple
Aching for you to always be here

Sleeping pills, come fade with me still
Just take it all away..

This beating heart has been broken from the start
It spills in the ink I lay...

Come please fade with me now, turn my world upside-down
Turn this light into black..

Now that I dance with the stars, you show me who you are and it's all much too late...

Sleeping pills, come fade with me still..
You took it all away..

My soul is tired...

Grasping at a goal so unattainable

Leave it to the mind to whisper lies so sweet even my heart believes them.

What's real. What's fake?

The love triangle of my being is at war with another.

Is there any hope to argue?

Love that kills is a cruel game.

Can I interrupt time, put it at a standstill? Never let it go?
I want to hold these moments
Sealed within my heart


With you.  


To capture your details, keep them by my side
Savor every second while I’m next to you


At night.

Serenely sitting on the end of my dock
I watch the sunset rippled in the lake
I shut my eyes and breathe the air
And slowly drift away

Now I’m in an affectionate and bright sandy land
And all I sense is love and bliss
Feeling swept away by waves of remarkable blue water
I am alive! I shout when the next wave hits
The man of my dreams comes and joins me,
Takes me away, away into the sunset
Suddenly we are dancing, dress and radiating hair flowing and flowing
Sugary sticky scent of the bright pink blossom in my hair
In sync our bodies collide, side by side
Spinning into your arms moving all about
Your are mine we walk into the night my eyes open and all is lost,
I’m back in my world thinking of you

This isn't a poem, this is written from the heart of a hurting girl...

I am that girl, the pure title, and definition of fearing commitment. The funny thing, it’s the farthest thing I ever want to be.

Deep down I see marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and all the dogs you’ll let me have. Oh yes, it’s a beautiful future there, yet my so-called “relationships” last maybe a few months, because you throw words out there like love, and moving in together, being my rock and everything I long for. Yeah, I might say those words back, I may play along with what our wedding will look like, and that gorgeous ring that adds a beautiful symbol of commitment on my scrawny little finger and its beautiful because deeply that is what my poor beaten-up heart is yearning for. But instead, those feelings of bliss I so wistfully yearn for are replaced with panic and pure distaste for wanting stick it out and stay by your side.

So, what do I do? I run. I am the star of “Runaway from Stability”. Why? If you could answer that for me and fix me, you would probably be a millionaire and sell lots of books on it. And speaking of books, my shelves are littered with self-help books that only exist to make you think that I read them, but I don’t… I collect literature that fuels my fantasy that there is nothing wrong with me.

I can dig deep down and do the years of therapy for you and blame my father that never wanted me in his life, who constantly let me down... I can blame the fact I am a serial dater due to walking away time and time again... I can blame my mother, who by the way shares the same fear I do, and you could say the apple falls right next to the **** tree. (Love you so much, mom)... You could blame the men (more like “boys”) that promised me the world and broke my heart after all I saw was them in my future.

Yeah, sure the list goes on with who I could “blame”. But the problem still exists that I can’t change, I can’t get attached, I can’t get hurt. Yeah yeah yeah…. Can’t means you won’t, but maybe that is it. Maybe I won’t budge. Maybe I absolutely won't stick it out despite all the right words I know I need to consistently hear.

And you come along, you’re sweet, you’re understanding, you’re that list my best friend told me to make of qualities we've all made throughout our lives after each heartbreak, after each "I am done dating" of qualifications a man must have before you date them.

And you know what?... I like you... So much, I could even say every ounce of me has fallen for you. But that my inner fear comes up like ***** and that's it! There is no chance holding it down…

I don’t think I can ever be the girl with hearts in her eyes that doodles your name all over my notes at work. No, I won’t be… I used to be that girl that was lovesick with an unrealistic crush on someone.

That little girl won’t come back. I miss her, but she’s not there...

Yeah, I am sure you’ve Googled all the articles that tell you how to deal with a “Commitment Phobic Girlfriend” and yeah, I’ve read them too which spiral my mind out of control how to fix myself. My friends all say the same thing, “You’ve got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else Bri!” ---insert eye roll--- So far that’s all I got because this really doesn’t make me happy, and maybe that’s it?

Life keeps crumpling me up and spitting me out and I deem myself a pool of chaos, that I am not really wanted if people knew the truth of how broken I am inside, how much I don’t respect myself anymore because of my commitment-phobia-self-proclaimed-title…

I don’t know why I chose to write this article, maybe because I am not the only one? A cry for help? The attention YOU THINK I am wanting... Ha, no...

At least I can hope I am not the only one who struggles with this battle, and I am sure I am not... But why? Why is it that way?

(Heck, maybe a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea at this point. YAY! Progress! ---insert another eye roll---)

I do know this, despite everything, I have learned the true meaning of love, (Crazy right?!) Because some of you I have run away from, love me, and always will... You've shown it, you've proven it even. And yet STILL, I believe in my heart I am truly unlovable.

To my friends who know the phobia, the constant relationship hopping, you all love me still, and that's hard for me to wrap my head around. You all are my rock, I love you all so very much. And thank you, thank you for not giving up on me in my train-wreck of a life because I could never do this without you.

The knife she pushed into her flesh could never cut deep enough to make the overwhelming pain diminish…
She overdosed to force her leave the decrepit earth behind…
She drowns herself in that song since he’s the influence behind it.
Now her life is in the dark… with way to much pain behind her eyes…
Her smile will always stay plastered,
But you put the knife of stabbing words behind it… are forever scarred…
Her life will never be the same…
Ending it seems the only way…
Can’t she just runaway?
No… her love weighs her down…
She just takes the knife to her face, mixing blood with tears, with her emotions and her fears…
Can’t explain the loss… but its all her you say…
Please cut her more she says please…
Just end her pain…

The threads of my heart have all been pulled apart and passed through the breeze you brought with your wrath of deceit…
Like feathers thrown in the air, falling, becoming part of the scenery spread like wildfire over and over, the things that were meant never to be heard part from your ears alone…  
Sad how cold one person can make a room that is filled with the warm souls of those surrounding…
When I run away the scars you left are just as painful as if you were standing in my way,
Can’t you see?! Why it is so hard to see… this is what you’ve done to me...
Demanding to sleep when the pillow is stained with tears is like battling to walk a tight rope along a circus of screaming people.

I wake to see this smile placed perfectly on my face
Those eyes. Your stare pursue my dreams into the night
I can't help but grace my chest where my heart can't erase.
Rid of these thoughts. Your words pulling me into your world.
I'm just another girl.

You walk among these song notes and beats that sync with my heart
Nothing will drive us apart.

I wish for only my lips to touch yours to feel the warmth of grasp
I'll ask.

Unfamiliar with your walk
We still talk
To end our phrases with a goodnight
Which still does not feel right

Embrace my soul
But don't let go
I'll seek you for miles
For you to meet this smile.

Once alone, my thoughts come home
And they were driven here by you..

I can't think straight, you've sealed their fate.
I don't know if I can let you through..

In the little that is done, your words can be the key.
To open up my weary heart, just to set me free.
Your eyes look right through my soul shining back in my smile

Fly away little bird; your broken wings still remain beautiful.

I want to fall, and know that you are near, to catch the pieces and make me complete…
I dream to gaze up at the sky only once!
…To wish for someone like you… To worry not, for you are mine…
I wonder if you’ll see me soon… or will this wait always weigh upon my heart…
I hope for my pain to end, but my heart wishes you, can you let it go?
Sometimes words cannot describe the way you make me feel…

I long between that heart & this one inside
fewer miles, fewer roads & a lot less time.

Connected under the dark night sky
when your eyes gaze up along with mine.

The smiles I'll never see, all those smiles caused by me....

Please hold onto this hope
when these nights get too long.

As  your worth to me rises
the more I start to fall

Wishing the world would just pause and let her catch up,
Time is all she needs and no one will grant it to her,
Her emotions mixed and twirled,
Heart aching and tired from the beatings
The tears wont flow as easily as the once did
All the knifes just keep on stabbing
Making her falter to her knees,
Wanting the car to stop and let her breathe
Her world spinning around and around, there is no way out
The sickness takes over
Her body tenses and falls to the earth her steps use to feel so easily
Feet still but can’t hold the weight of the humanity much longer
How come they ignore her, push her out of the way?
Help her, all she ever sought after was your consent, your love…
The whispers will never stop all the voices and pain won’t stop…
Her life so fragile,
Getting crushed with blocks of life that so harshly pushes her farther
Farther across the line, farther off the cliff…
She wants to be able to live

Panting
Long soft sighs
Breathing in sync with heart beats
Shampoo
Sweet mossy scent
Soaked
Wet velvet fur
Shake, shake, shake
Now everyone’s wet
Running and screaming
Spraying with the hose
Loose fur and water in my mouth
Spit
Sick
All ***** again

When will you ever see?
What the world means to me
My mind grows deep
Pondering wildly
Awake in the midst of all the tragedies
Scared but won’t come forth
Hurt but won’t heal
My mind can twist and turn in many directions
When will you ever see?

Where is that girl...
That unscripted being?
She takes heart in her every step.
She isn't afraid to live...
But where did she go?
She's right in front of me, but unaware.
She's left her soul...
Her soul is dead..

I stand there...

See you.

These times are not like time before these now broken nights.

I reach out...

You're close...

So close,

But you are too far away.



Forbidden to stare, Can't even care,

No touch...

I can taste how hell is like.



One tear, Shatters my cracked heart.

Your eyes meet mine...

Finally.

& I can see your soul.



Your eyes hold me ransom to myself,

& freeze me where I stand.



Guarded emotions bring me down to my knees as I take you in.

Timeless kiss... Ends to soon.

You leave me wanting more.

But you are gone.



I'm left empty.

Confused.



Feeling in need of something...

Of you...

You hold the key to my pain,

My love...



You keep my sane.

But I'm left hurt and nothing to gain.



This is me without you.

In one whisper you say it all, with words yet unspoken
With one whisper you make my skin crawl.
The warmth of your lips that lightly touch me,
Make me fall irresistibly in love,
With you,
Again and again.
The tenderness of your touch sweetly embraces me
Into a deep serenity.
You are my heart that thrives,
You are the whispers I hear at night,
Whispers striving to stay alive,
I want you and no one else,
Though there are trials that come and go,
You always will have a piece of my heart.
I can’t say we will always be together,
But I can say this…
You are my everything…
You are the whisper that speaks in the night,
You are the love that strives to keep me alive…
I can’t wait to hold you in my arms one more time…
You are…