my chest is heavy and i just want to be emotional
but i'm not even sure how i feel right now
maybe it's a mix of everything
sadness, longing, loneliness
exhaustion, anxiety, irritation, and fear
like a jungle juice of despair
i can't tell where one ends and another begins
but i know i'll have a headache in the morning

I’m not easily broken, but you really cut me down a notch. You led me up a tall cliff with the "I love you’s" and the "what would I do without you’s" and then you pushed me off the edge. I didn’t even have time to catch my breath as I watched you shrink away. Now here I am back at the bottom, in a pit of broken trust and low expectations. Another hole punched in my paper heart.

Lately I just want to be alone and curl up into a big sad ball, but even a ball could roll out of bed. So I guess I’m more like a sad puddle that most people avoid until they step on me and suddenly it’s my fault they weren’t paying attention. That’s what it seems like anyway. Like I’ll always be in the way and all I give will never be enough.

strolling empty streets
indifferent where they'll lead me
i'll never belong

awake while they sleep
pretend like i don't exist
hidden from drained eyes

small as possible
don't let them catch me breathing
wasting oxygen

late night, sun rising
guess i haven't slept again
a crisp morning dew

fall's hushed announcement
a gracious breeze heaves warm hues
then settles again

it might rain today
perhaps the perfect soundtrack
deep sleep through my woes

i try to tell you how i feel                                                          
       ­                                                   YOU SAID WHAT TALK LOUDER, I
                                                                ­                         CAN'T HEAR YOU
i said it's hard, i'm just struggling     
                                                          YO­U SAID PULL YOUR HEAD OUT
                                                                ­OF YOUR ***, GET YOUR ****
                                                                ­                                      TOGETHER
i said i'm trying
                                                             YOU SAID I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
i said i don't have motivation to, i feel
hopeless                      
                                                                ­          YOU SAID FIGURE IT OUT
i said you don't listen to me
                                                         YOU SAID STOP MUMBLING WHAT
                                                                ­                                 DID YOU SAY
i said i'm just sad, i hate living
                                                        YOU SAID LIFE'S NOT FAIR, I DON'T
                                                                ­        KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU
i said i don't get it either, but i'm
trying
                                                         ­ YOU SAID OKAY BUT YOUR EYES
                                                    SAID THEY STILL DON'T BELIEVE ME
my heart said i'm sorry
                                                   YOUR NOW EMPTY TEQUILA BOTTLE
                                                              SA­ID THIS DISCUSSION IS OVER
i said good night
                                                           ­                  YOU SAID GOOD NIGHT
my eyes cried i'm worthless and my bed
screamed stay here forever
                                                         YOUR SNORING FROM DOWN THE
                                                      HALL SAID YOU WON'T REMEMBER
                                                                ­                THIS IN THE MORNING
my anxiety captures me and whispers
remember this forever

STAY AWAY!
              
             Or else I'll fall for your smile
                          
                          Or else I'll get used to the way the corners of your eyes
                          crinkle when you laugh at the lamest joke I could tell you
                                    
                        ­             Or else I'll find out that you hate tomatoes but spaghetti
                                      is one of your favorite foods
                                                
                                                 Or else it'll be embedded in my brain forever
                                                 that for some reason you hate the color yellow
                                                 and I'll never know why

STAY AWAY!
              
              Or else my friends will start asking me where you've been after I
              invited you over to hang out for the first time
                          
                           Or else we'll find "our spot" that I'll drive by every other day
                           and always remember how good that summer was

                                      Or else I'll show you one of my favorite songs that'll
                                      turn into one of your favorite songs and you'll thank
                                      me for it

                                                    Or else I'll hang up the pictures of us in my
                                                    room and every time I see them I'll smile and
                                                    be thankful I have you around

STAY AWAY!

              Or else I'll love you

                         Or else I'll give so many pieces of myself to
                         help you
                                    
                                      Or else I'll think you feel the same way

                                                   Or else I'll think that you care

                                  
                            ­     S    T     A    Y           A    W    A     Y 
                                
                               Or else you'll have a chance to leave me

i’m watching me be here
just be; floating
i’m watching me watching
and i feel nothing

my body is cold
but my head is hot
melting my brain
pouring through my mossy eyes

what am i doing here
she doesn’t look like me
a carcass brimful
nothing of mine

divided mind from body
frozen in blurry vision
a universe away
i mourn for peace

my room feels empty
or maybe that’s just me
i feel empty a lot
and by “feel” empty i mean
i don’t feel much of anything at all
i’m just cold
i’m cold because
we’re coming up on winter soon
and i’m alone
i’m alone in my room
and far away from motivation but
submerged in hopelessness
i’m far away from feeling
like i need to be here
and i’m far away from feeling
like anyone wants to
save me