This year:*

(for those with brave hearts)
I hope you find the strength to make your choices and fight for the life that you want.
I hope you look up from all your hard work and realize how much you've grown.
I hope you find yourself saved sometimes.
I hope you find time to get lost, in your head, in the wilderness, to explore forests, and gaze into rivers.
I hope you find your best self looking back at you. I hope you know you're always growing.
I hope you feel challenged.
I hope you never stop believing in the view from the top of the mountain.
I hope you get there. I hope you find it was worth it.

(for the softhearted)
I hope you find more time to laugh.
With your friends, at yourself, or at the world for ever thinking it could hurt you.
I hope you can take the pain and say "thank you."
i hope you realize it has only made you all the more good, all the more beautiful.
I hope you start looking less at the mirror, start believing more in who you are in other people's eyes, what you know you are in your heart.
I hope life gets sweeter, hope you wake up with your head in the clouds, your soul flying.
I hope you finally find what you're looking for.
I hope you find yourself smiling.

(for those with big hearts)
i hope you realize how important you are, how you make people feel appreciated and loved.
i hope you realize that the world wouldn't be the same if you weren't trying so hard to make it a better place.
i hope the world tucks you into bed, proud of its little soldier.
i hope you appreciate yourself for your efforts.
i hope you never get tired of being a champion of the things people say no longer exist - so much kindness, goodness, love, peace.
i hope that you find fulfillment in the little things because sometimes, that's all we get.
little things like knowing you made someone smile, or that the people you love are doing fine, doing better.
i hope you realize that's all you need.
i hope your heart is proud of itself.
i hope the love that burns in you always keeps you warm.

(for the fainthearted)*
I hope you realize there's so much more to your life than you thought there was.
I hope you find moments that make your breath catch, a million things to marvel at.
I hope life surprises you. I hope you surprise yourself.
I hope you find your horizons expanding, and see that it's not as bad as you thought.
I hope your dreams take you places; I hope you travel paths that you never knew existed, but where you feel you belong.
I hope you discover your longings, what your heart would sing for, what you didn't know you wanted all along.
I hope you get up and chase it.

My darling,
For 2016:

1.)  I hope you know you have nothing to prove.
2.)  Please stop wanting to end life early. Every sunrise is made for you. Realize that every night the moon kisses you good night and the stars ask that you choose to stay.
3.)  I hope you find time to be more grateful.
4.)  I hope the world surprises you with beautiful things in return. I hope what is normal never becomes boring to you, and you always see things with a sense of wonder. I hope you still believe in magic.
5.)  If it’s past midnight and you’re still awake for no reason, go to sleep. Rest. Clear your head. You will have more strength tomorrow.
6.)  Stop hiding behind your sadness. Wipe your tears, let it go. Learn how to be alone without hurting.
7.)  Learn to actually be there for people. You will be amazed how good real companionship feels. Believe me, you don’t appreciate your friends enough. Show them. Share your life with them. Be happy together.
8.)  Cherish that guy. He loves you; stop doubting it. Be there for him, not because he needs you, but because that’s where you want to be. Protect each other.
9.)  I think you already know who you are, deep inside. And it’s not how you think of yourself on a bad day; it’s not how greatly others think of you. You’re confused now but you’re trying. One day you will be greater than all of this, and you won’t even realize it.
10.)  I hope this is the year you become everything you want to be, but with a heart like yours, you will always want more: to do more good in the world; to be better, kinder; love deeper, love truly. Despite your struggle, I hope you realize you’re already all you must be.
11.)  Continue to live in the best way you know how.

loud music, karaoke,
barbecue on the balcony,
smirnoffs and local beers,

zoom in on me holding
the mic, trying to have
a good time.

watch as everyone
loses themselves or falls
apart, some into laughter,

others into tears. it's time
to leave and i'm wondering
why do boys only call me

pretty when they're drunk?
they wrap their arms around
me and whisper in my ear,

tell me i'm special when
i've never felt less. it's hard
to be believable with alcohol

on your breath. so i just fall
into bed, more alone than
exhausted.

all i know of debt
is that my sins have
been paid for

and guilt
is a heavy burden

when i look
at my empty hands,
i do not know
what to give back

when i look
at the world, i marvel
at the magnitude
of what i owe

so much so
that i kneel

before you
and forget
how to stand

(prologue.)

The night was so full of stars that it seemed to hold all the universe. But she knew it didn’t. He did. They walked on a moonlit meadow up above the world and he was a pretty boy and she was empty of breath, all bright eyes and no substance.

If he opened his mouth, galaxies would come spilling out and she would lap it up for want of something in her system, and realize only too late the existence of voids, the presence of black holes. That in all good, there is something not-so. And in all bad, there is reason to laugh.

With his gait graceful and her gaze far, if the observer were to stand on a hill across, they would make for lovely twin fairies. But their footsteps are heavy: feet mired in gravity and carrying weight, heads and minds suspended like heavenly bodies, hearts studded with stars that shine like heaven and burn like hell. Yes, their footsteps are too heavy and everything is real.

                                                                                          
Or is it? This night and this sky—whatever it may be, magnificence or disappointment—does not hold all the universe.

                                                                                                                      
(i.)

The wind rustled the leaves of a nearby tree and the grass came to softly tickle their feet. He was looking hard at her with his soft eyes but saying nothing. She sighed, avoided his gaze, and asked a bit wearily, “What is it? Why the silence?”

“I’m trying to show you,” he said patiently. “You listen to too much music to know that this is magic.” The pale skin of his eyelids closed themselves against his bright green eyes. He stretched out on the grass beside her slumped form and when he was there, felt for where her hand lay, absently pulling at a blade of grass. He ran his thumb along the back of it and said, “I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. The trees, the leaves, the grass, and the wind. The sight of you. The sight of you against the sky. The twinkling silence of a breath being held and the heartbeat that quickens and the stars that give their light just a bit brighter before the second ends. It could last for hours, you know, but when it’s gone, it’ll always feel like just a second.” Her left hand felt cool where his hand had stopped being present. She began to pull at another poor blade of grass. He’d turned to look at her, her back still to him, against which her hair lay, long, a little black mixed in with the colors of the night. “We’ll never have this moment again. You know.”

and maybe this is the way
i’ll learn to love again
through fogged-up glasses,
the secrets the wind tell.

when it’s raining outside
(this month, it has been)
when i’m camped out
on my bedroom floor,
i want to be found, but not now.

not by you.
not when i don’t know what i want to do,
yet.

the secrets the wind carries away.
the lifting of the
weight.

but in the scheme of things, i suppose i'll be fine

you don't have to be happy, you just have to survive.

It's hard to be good at life, even if we try. Sometimes, the ladder you're standing on falls, and sometimes, you're not only fallen but broken. When you scream in pain and find you're alone. Life does that. Even if we try.

Too often people whose eyes and hearts and souls are vacant try to empty us likewise.

We look out the window to find we missed the sunset. And instead, gray skies unfold sadly, sad but screaming of coming rain.

When screaming causes you pain yet still the volume is turned up. Your shoulders keep getting bumped. When you're in a slump, you get kicks instead of a lift. And fall down Alice's rabbithole. Or not. Where you land is no wonderland.

See. Even if we try, and the only bad we do is cry, the only harm we cause is to ourselves, it seems there are more lessons for us to learn, more ways we can get burned. It seems, we haven't been thoroughly hurt.

I'm still looking for reasons; though in me is all the evidence, that the world has a grudge against humans. What is so wrong about us...?

That girl who smiles, taking the hand of the old lady beside her, they are both dying -- she, of cancer. A man with a woman with cheekbones and crudely cut hair, towing three laughing kids in a wheeled wooden cart. The young lady who only wanted to go after her dreams -- who was full of potential, is now just full of unshed tears and broken pieces, the faded light that was hope; who should have been a star, prays to burn in hell or whatever's waiting.

But I know that she is beautiful. I know that his heart is as big as the world. I know that she cares, that she dares, that she's brave.

I used to think we were made of the galaxy, but it is cold, unrelenting, and, we couldn't be farther from that. We are suffering. But our tears are diamonds, our sweat – liquid gold, our blood - something greater than the universe. And our hearts our hearts our hearts! It is the mother of everything for which there are no words.

And while I question practically everything (the beauty of life, the wisdom of kings), I have never doubted the pure wonder of the human soul. While I don't know that it gets better, I know that we deserve better. Let's make it so that prayers work again, that there are such things as friends. No more backbites or fistfights, no more rejection, insecurity, glossy eyes that hold back waterfalls. May the rainbows be hope instead of lies. And when you're down, a helping hand instead of a kick to the side. Let's do what we can, so that no one might ever again so truthfully wish their life to end. Care. Help. Love. You shouldn't wait to enter heaven if you haven't tried to bring it down to earth.

once I lay in the field

and under gray skies

for once I did not cry

but as you lay there with me

I laughed



                                                                              

and I hope someone up there took

a photograph of that

and made it into a star

that every now and then

I might remember

that for once I forgot I'd grown up

and the world was made mine

again

09.01.13

I know the likelihood of me getting asked to prom measures up to the likelihood of anyone actually using the white crayon in the Crayola box. I am going to be the girl that’s not even on any guy’s Plan B.

And that would be totally cool except I’m sad.

I am shaking my head at God and how he totally owes me one.

Prom is supposed to be like, the fairytale moment! I’ve been dreaming of princes and ballrooms and dancing and romance and magic and love… probably since I was conceived. How could you even let the dreamer girl who wanted to be a princess nurture five hundred layers of beautiful only to coat her with thick paint in the shade called “ugly”? (Trivia: That drives boys away.)

So maybe I still made believe I was a princess. But often enough, the mirror reflects the facade, when I’m expecting it to hold my heart. It gets to a point that you just have to let go.

I have theories. I used to despair and say that I was in the wrong storybook. What a life for such a girl. But it happens that romantics don’t have anyone to hold. (Thus the teddy bears, I suppose. Do you know how hard I hug those? I am pathetic.) My second theory, is maybe I’ve been looking from the wrong perspective. Maybe my life isn’t going to be a fairytale in the way I expect. How about a modernized version or something?

It’s becoming obvious that I don’t really have any ideas.

Except for one last.
Maybe there’s a plot twist?

Maybe there’s a plot twist.

i'd drive you wherever you want to go, take you out to see sunsets on the open road. bring along your favorite blanket, wrap you in it. start the car and keep going until the gas runs out.

glance over at you, with the wind blowing your hair in your face. my heart skips beats and starts to dance. you look so beautiful and calm. my soul has always ached for yours.

we're stuck at the side of the road, and you laugh, and it's like the first time i've ever heard that. you step out with your bare shoulders and feet, pull me out from the driver's side, and onto the hood of the car.

we sit there comfortably, looking up at the stars. you rest your head against my chest; our bodies are close and i can feel you breathing. i remember the first time we ever dreamed together, how eventually we realized what we wanted was each other.

i let you rest against me like that, thinking you're like one of those precious stars, twinkling above us. i saw how you shined and i swore i'd always protect that light; your bright, iridescent soul.

pisces:* what is it about love that always has you in doubt? really, whose feelings are you unsure about? his or yours? and tell me—will it ever be enough?

like the lone flowerbush that stood beside trees

she is pretty but she is weak

and when everyone stops falling at her feet

her turn to fall and disappear

why don't you like me
when i'm twisting myself this way and that
and running to catch your wandering gaze

why don't you like me
when I obviously like you
and I'd pretend not to know the homework,
the lamest excuse, steal a few minutes of your time
and talk to you

i'm not letting my heart bleed
when you're not even around to see
but give me your word
and i'll squeeze it empty
to make room for you

I am not ready for love
but i'd paint you in my dreams
tie a string around my pinky
write your name along
my palm lines,
on the backs of my eyelids.

tell me
that every breath is a breath for you
and every step,
a step with you,
so I don't forget
and leave everything behind

I will keep your heart in mine


maybe you'll keep me
alive

nothing's fine
I am physically sick.
add that to how tired I am
of glaring into this laptop screen.
sick.
I've been blowing my
brains out
onto tissue paper
it's amazing how many rolls I've gone through
for someone so dumb.
the rain outside
is bringing mud water all over the news
drilling holes into my skull
the deluge of raindrops,
bullets,
sick.
maybe if I keep screaming,
the pounding,
my mom is ranting,
maybe everything will cancel out.

can't say if this silence is better than words that hurt
at least then I knew where I stood with myself
now whenever I speak i'm not sure exactly
what's going to come out of these lips
because it transforms somewhere between my head
and the fact that I can't connect with my heart anymore
I hear sounds but where's my voice
I think I've figured out what it's like to be lost

this silence could pass for serenity but i'm tired of that
you know I always thought I could pass for happy
watch it because lying to yourself is pretty tricky
I swear the ground fell out from under my feet
and when I found myself I was staring into the eyes of a monster
and the monster was me
I've found you can run out of love and you can run out of life
when you're running away from it
you can run out of words when you're using them wrong
you can run out of songs when you never really listened
I've been running from darkness since I found out I'm full of it
It's really quiet
and I'm really lost

life does this thing
in which it leaves you little gifts
like in exchange for the sting
its palms bring
when they hit your face -
first this side, then the other,
as if it could cover up the redness

far from comfort, consolation,
soothing - it exhausts and exasperates
like being stepped on
and ground with the heel, you break
into little pieces
before shattering completely

frustrated sobs leave you gasping for air
you believe there's hope when
there's nothing there
what am I going to do when I'm scared
that every next step
will be the one that falls through,
come crashing and have no one
to help me up or hold my hand

life is like the father,
who will end up leaving you,
how when he threw you in the air
his arms were outstretched,
but you never quite knew,
whether or not he'd actually catch you

a quiet kind of sadness
laying a carpet out
on the floor of your stomach,
getting settled in

when it raps on the walls,
you think,
it's your heartbeat
echoing through your body
the emptiness making it easy

when it yawns,
you feel hella tired
curling the length of you into
a ball, on the floor
never wanting to get up because
you've forgotten you're alive

alive?
it's the sadness I hear
breathing satisfied little breaths
it doesn't want to die

it sits there, calm,
having claimed that spot
at the center of your life,
sapping what's left of its worth,
calm,
while making you think ****
about yourself,
and it doesn't want to die
but you do,
I do

you gave yourself up to the video games

and nothing i do can draw you out now

and maybe you flaunt indifference
to mask the loneliness
maybe it’s eating you up-
but you refuse to be within reach

maybe when you’re over it all
you could find the time to smile at me
say hi when you pass by

maybe when i’m beautiful
you’d go and seek me out
and i would find the time to smile at you
and i could introduce you to
some boy, who wrote me a song
some boy you could never draw me away from

some people are loved so deeply
some people hear those words
everyday
some people know they're never alone

how did god decide
the division of souls
and destinies, and which hearts
were to break, and which hearts
were to shatter

some people have broken families
some people know
everyone's too busy to wipe away these tears
too busy to care
to be there
some people feel so small

how did god decide some of us
would have to find comfort in the stars'
tiny lights, some of us
are hugged as if they'd never be
let go
and some of us aren't

and I know, I know
that everyone cries
but not everyone cries every
night

and why isn't everyone loved?
****
why isn't everyone loved?

if I could go to somewhere,
somewhere no one
knows my name, I would cry out
exclamations about loving you
if I could go to somewhere,
somewhere i'd be
lost like a wildflower in a sea
of wildflowers, I would
close my eyes and
dance. and if i
could go to
somewhere
anywhere at all
that would mean forgetting
that would be freedom
laughing
and a chance at life,

but in this town
surrounded
by these people
I just
want to disappear

the moon’s a cradle
for lonely souls. gracious night,
slightly cold. the stars
are hung for all the children
who need to find a way home.

i don't need to hear this tale anymore
themed me versus some other girl
and all the ways in which I could be better

take a pill, take a breath, i'm not going to forget

my first crush pointed to a long-haired princess
and said she was beautiful

i cut two paper dolls
held us up to the light
saw she outshined me
a thousand times over

i am not enough
is what middle school
has taught me

when people laugh
it's not always a good thing

my mom should keep telling
my brothers
to be good boys

there aren't enough of them

and everybody's hiding a knife somewhere

there are people who could fill wells
with blood from the wounds they cause
and two more for all the **** tears

i get more biting comments
than plants get oxygen
maybe you don't understand
but I've got self-hate down to an art

and i don't need to hear that tale
anymore
when it's the one i know by heart

Wouldn't you love to see
An eagle on a park bench?

He came down because
he didn't want to be alone;
High up in the skies he was alone.
The eagle wept because
he was afraid to fall.
High up in the clouds with everyone below
there would be no one to catch him.
He knew his wings weren't as strong,
as they said. The only thing holding him
together is resolve. Wings break
the same as hearts,
So he would follow his tears down
as they fell.
To the park bench
on a sunny day.

If it takes a fool to fall in love
What kind of fool would I require
And who would take me
When I've fallen
A thousand times over
For boys who've never known me

If there is to be anyone
He would have to take tea, with me
At three in the morning
For no reason at all
Except I wanted to be awake
To hear the silence

If there is to be anyone
He would have to put up with
The fact of my poems
He'd have to breathe
In the air of my sadness
And accept that I cry every other night
And would sometimes ask him
Not to hold me

If there is to be anyone
I do not know
But that would be foolish indeed
Sometimes I would tell him I love him
Sometimes I wouldn't

But I would always be
Humming with the melody
I associate with him,
And the stars
Would litter the sky
Like they glitter on his skin.

in words, I find my truth
in words, I take refuge

there are tales I have to spin
to keep myself in orbit
songs I have to sing
to bring myself back

and life is difficult
every day ends
with me and a pen
the healing process
tend to myself

in the end, I've collected enough evidence
that words can sound like choking too
in the end, I am a testament
to how little crying can fix
you just learn
to turn to other things

in the end, I hope to have
three friends:
in the stars
in the spaces between
letters
in myself

I. THE FALLING IN LOVE

i should have known

from how the very first thing you told me
was a lie, and your eyes captivated me,
perhaps because i could never read them;
you were a mystery

that it was wrong

for you to say you liked me, so soon
just because i brought you cookies
just because i did; i must have been so good
at falling in love that you thought
you were too

II. THE FALLING APART

i should have known

when you’d say you love me
but i’d find myself alone,
when i’m blue, when i’m in tears,
and you search for words
and come up empty

that it was wrong

except i’d gotten so used to it,
to making excuses, to finding comfort
in what you offered, to convincing myself
it meant more

III. THE HOLDING ON ANYWAY*

i should have known

when i was too afraid to be honest; i knew
the hurt my words would cause; i knew
they could never be taken back, and that
we would both be left hollow

that it was wrong*

if i ever hurt you i would have had to be
broken myself, shattered beyond repair; and
the bullet i would use to shoot you were the
pieces of metal i dug from my own heart
with shaking hands

i should have known
that it was wrong
and i did,

but i thought that if i kept quiet you would
never notice and i would rather live with you like
this, because you disable the ticking time bomb
of my heart and in its place a dull ache,
throbbing instead of beating, and because
if you left, *no one would care if i exploded

you make me wish
i weren't this sad,
this empty.

you make me feel
like i could have loved,
i could have laughed,
i could have smiled
like you in the sunshine.

you make me wish
i weren't made
of pastel browns
and muted blues.

so i could
fit into your
technicolor life
with you.

you make me believe
i can step into your world
when you take my hand.

you make me
forget my chains.

but i'm ******* anyway.

we are no good for each other
spamming me "hello" won't get anything done
it's not nearly time to run
away yet, sweetie, you want to die
so do I, but we're going to different places
you don't even believe in the sky
and I have hung myself from it

I am sorry if I draped myself in faerie lights
and in that moment you saw me with your eyes
because I am actually not so bright
instead of brimming and spilling over with love
the layers of my skin is a monster I want to fight
a container I want to break and shatter in the night
I am under the surface, and it is difficult to breathe

meanwhile I am starting to think
you just want to be loved and it grinds on my
conscience that I can't give you that but why

are you so angry? I wanted to fix you and
I had intended to but you don't stay in one place
stop staring at my face like you're going to eat me
don't raise your voice at me, I frighten easily
your eyes are so dark, when I look at you I feel
like I'm trapped and never getting out
why are you so angry? I can't touch you
and not blow up myself, when I say

you make it hard for me to breathe,
that's a bad thing,

and we are no good for each other

My mind is active, weighing words
Movements stilled by my fingers
No time to write of being tired
To describe the ache, instead of wish it away
What a waste
No one listens in the first place

Gold at my fingertips from all the time I've spent digging
But everyone always sees the mud first
Frustrations building up until
I'm stuck in avoidance mode

Vanishing into pillows and behind books
And fake smiles, it's so hard to be true
Not worth the effort too
When no one really cares about you

It turns out I can't commit
And I can't take stress
I'd like to pack up my bags and leave
Everything difficult behind

I want to hide under the bed and wait
For someone to take
My troubles away.

my mom wants me to take iron

'cause i've been staring into space alot

and i don't smile as much anymore

and i appear "lifeless"

she doesn't know i'm just growing up

and growing sad

blueberry cheesecake

and the bitter

aftertaste of strange

wine


a song in my dreams

i woke up sweating

and hearing your name

gives me terrible goosebumps

and the slightest touch

at my wrist

has me twisting away

i hate

blueberry cheesecake

and i hope the kisses

i gave

you were poison

I got to see the sunrise from the skies

As in the company

of rolling clouds

I floated over sea

And the colors spoke to me

                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                

Red at the bottom

for the love,

that was never missing after all;

a rather murky olive green-

the uncertain future;

right above yellow

which says we'll be okay;

with the blue

all around

because hope can be found

at the outer edges of the soul



                                                                                                              

because at 4 am

the dark surrounded the light

but at 5 am

the dark never existed

Hide me from the light; it hurts

Open up your heart and keep me there

Make your eyes my only mirror

And my soul, repair

she had a lot of things to say

but no one to say them to



so she kept them in paper stars

in rolled-up pieces of paper

in notebooks with pressed flowers



she planted them with every tree she touched

the songs she sung that the wind stole



once she even scribbled on a wall



she wrote on herself

in ballpoint pen

in razor blades or scissors

            

no one heard her words

like

no one heard her tears

and

no one heard her fall

everybody else is in the ocean
forgetting how to breathe.

if you're looking to drown me,
tell me you love me,
and i'll follow you down.

or tell me about how the fishes
glow, invite me
to dive.

i'm trying to lose myself
and you, in the process.

everything is so blue now.

we could go deeper and revel
in inky blackness, around us.

to wrap ourselves in it
and disappear completely.

And one night, she watched as her little cousin played with toy trains -- and she thought of this, and all the things she would miss, the regrets that would come after death if they could.

Her foot lands wobbly; shook before the last step. One tear fell, as she looked ahead, into blackness... And that tear was everything she ever loved, all the voices that told her to stop, all the reasons why she couldn't.

Then she fell, and was gone.

i want to quickly fade away like

the flowers or the butterfly,

something inside

me is too beautiful to remain

in the world for long

yearns it to be free and



                                                                                          

something inside me

is ugly

ugly ugly ugly

and I don’t want the cotton on my skin

your eyes on me

your fingers inches away--

keep away!

              

                                            

i want to fade

a person is
his silhouette
crooked teeth
or not-
beautiful is beautiful

a man is the outer
edges of his soul
the crinkles around his
eyes
the corner of his
smile

a man is what lies
at the tips of his
fingers
what’s falling out
of his pockets
what extends into
where the eye cannot see-

the heart,
          is the man

the man,
          is the heart

it is what it is
        what we are

beautiful is beautiful

by pretending I am more than I let on,
to like myself more,
to be able to forgive my weaknesses;
by pretending I am normal;
by pretending I am special;
sometimes there is pain, too much of it.
                sometimes I numb the pain.
                sometimes I worsen it,
                sometimes forget about it.
I smile a lot, even when I don’t feel like it;
by forgetting to cry;
by allowing myself to feel good enough;
by thinking I’m worthy;
by telling others I love them,
                when I am not brave enough,
                caring enough,
                too self-absorbed, to love.
by thinking that I will ever change;
by thinking that I will never change;
by giving up on myself;
by still hoping.
because I cannot lie to myself.
because I do not even know who I am.
because I’m trying
                  to become myself
                  and to get away from myself,
                  always at the same time.

softly beating
a soul that refuses to fold
smiles that crumple, smiles
that are too bold

a weak pass, an afternoon
nap, a series of near-collapses

translucent pink curtains

eyelids that don't keep out the light;
eyelids that don't keep in the
dark
night

I promise the world isn’t as big as you think; there’s a safe place almost everywhere you go. And if you need to drop anchor, I would be the happiest shore. The sea doesn’t need anymore of your tears, but I would be happy to catch them, in the fabric of my cotton shirt, holding you against me. I love you and I want you to be okay. *Please always know that you can come home.

I tried making a poem
with internal rhyme and
ended up with a masterpiece
of spacebars and enter keys

I'm done forcing poems out of me
strings of words tied in bows don't
flow, if I must bleed words, self-inflict
a few choice cuts that will change things

contained in the walls of a room called mediocrity
I will wallpaper them with truth and
learn inspiration, like
a second language
or the better half of me

a wall is a solid and sounds are vibrations
and my heart beats strong enough to shake foundations
neurons pass messages around in my head
it says: in second grade
we learned sound travels fastest
in solids and

I know I will be heard

listening to mr brightside feeling really tired
what can i do when we’re falling apart at the seams
again? with loud sighs, collapsing into beds. rag dolls
dancing, in fading yellow light. lying in the dark,
staring at our reflections
in black windows, what are we
coming to. it’ll be okay as long as—in your eyes: me,
in my hands: you. are we just pretending we don’t feel lonely?
i;m scared. you took your needle and your thread and you put it through
my little finger, ‘pinkie promise’ you whispered
ghost from a future nightmare, i’m faithful to you.

i.
I live too close to the ground to want to fall
on the front porch steps of reality,
there isn't much jumping
just as well
you pull me up on my tiptoes
and I feel like I'm teetering
forgetting the distinction
between your heartbeat and mine

ii.
please come down
your voice is soft
and mine is loud but
I can't hear you from the clouds

iii.
I should have known better than
to love the boy who towered over me
your life is dancing on rooftops
and climbing up staircases
and

iv.
I was the ground you barely even walked on