I can’t tell you how to love
or how other people do it.
Only how I do,
and how it consumes me.

There was a time,
that all I wanted
was to sleep next to you.

To be able to wake up next to you.

Now I can’t escape the nightmares
every time I share my bed
with you.

A bottle of red
held to a splintered heart.
As smoke drifts
for a cause lost.

Words come
and words go.
Actions promised
always fall short.

I blame myself,
the hatred in my veins.
Causing me to realize
I’ve become a man of shame.

I can not love,
for it is opposite to what I am.
A thing of night and fury
forever to loneliness ******.

My father once asked me
what I thought the strongest thing on earth was.

I said it was the human heart.

With an inquisitively arched eyebrow he asked why.

I told him because nothing breaks apart and comes back together quite as flawlessly.

I’ll never understand why some people think being called weird is an insult.
I’d hate to be normal.
We’re all a little weird in our own ways and that’s what makes us unique.
That’s why I’m in the habit of thanking people that call me weird.
For I just can’t imagine a more wonderful compliment.

“How could you give up on me?”

-

“Why could you never believe in me?”

I find
that I can not trust others.

How could I?

When I am just learning
how to trust myself...

I am eight years old.
I hide behind the fence in our backyard,
the smell of damp leaves and rotting wood.
The mud ***** and slurps at my toes like some ravenous beast
as my brother bleeds at my mothers hands.
I am silent.

I am ten years old.
I hide behind the cracked old leather on a school bus.
Their laughter rises and falls like the bumpy gravel road.
I chip a bit of paint off the windowsill
and it breaks my heart.
I am silent.

I am fifteen years old.
I hide in a lightless back alley.
It reeks of something sweet threatening to make me gag as I clasp my hands over my mouth.
Flashes of red and blue pass once more chasing a scared, sad little heart as I hold my breath.
I am silent.

I am twenty one years old.
I hide behind the person
they know me to be.
Behind charming coos and witty jabs.
Behind a persona of indomitable strength.
I am the best of them,
of us.
The most well adjusted.
The luckiest and most fortunate.
Nothing is wrong,
after all,
they look at me and I have it all.
But in my mind
I am screaming.
In my mind I am already gone.

I tried to say
“I love you”
but the words caught in my throat.

I think I still do.

But every time I go to say the words they fail me.

Because every time I try,
I remember that even you
painted me
a shade of monster.

And try as I might,
I can’t get away from
the bite of your words.

So forgive me.
I think I still do,
but I can’t say that I love you.

She didn’t ask for jewels or clothes.
She didn’t ask for anything you could find in a store.

She only asked that I come back to her
&
that I bring with me a single leaf.

That is how Central Park
turned into a desert
and I,
the mad fool
picking through the grains of sand.

We could talk about everything,
laugh about nothing
and turn any day
into an adventure.

It wasn’t only that she was pretty
or smart
or felt like a part of me.

It was that she could give me something that I had hardly ever found before.

She could **** my mind in the most beautiful of ways
and make me ***
these ****** thoughts of mine.

Tearing turns to torn
as passion and pain
ebb into remorse.

I wish I could come,
and come undone,
within you forevermore.

Every lover is a new land.

Every rise and dip,
mountains and valleys to be charted.
Every bruise and bump
signs of explorers past.

Tales,
of love and lust and
roads not taken.

From icy plains and dunes of sand
to soft dappled meadows.
Rivers and lakes of gold and tan
to sunset lit crevices spread so narrow.

Every lover is a new land.

And my breath catches
at the beauty that I
gently caress
with trembling hand.

“**** me”
she said

As I twirled a finger;
down her cheek
to her lips
her collarbone
her *******
and more.

Slower and slower
I moved.
Lower and lower
whispering

“Soon”

Sheets gripped with talons,
lip bit with malice,
a dangerous game I played.

To grip a bull by the horns
means to eventually have to let go.
And the longer you hold on,
the wilder the ride will go.

“Soon”
I whispered,
and
“Please”
she begged...

My phone vibrates in my pocket as I pull into her driveway.

“I can feel your hand on my thigh.”

I smile,
stiffly getting out of the car
as I think to myself;

“We’ll never make it to the bedroom.”

I know
that I cannot.

But If I could,
fight her battles...

then even the gods
would tremble
at the thought of crossing her.

I want you.
Mind, body & soul.

I want you;
on early mornings with the sun on your face.
on cloudy nights accompanied by the pitter patter of rain.

I want you;
with your smoldering kisses,
setting off fireworks in my mouth.
with your soothing smile,
dousing the fires within.

I want you;
with your calm level headed talks,
the voice of reason when I lose my way.
with your special blend of crazy,
flowing into my own.

I want you;
with a runny nose and a sore throat, mewing to be taken care of.
with a flash of anger and unpredictability in your eyes
commanding to be fed.

I want you;
in love and lust and hangry.
in the best of times
&
the worst.

Although I run the risk of sounding
like a lovestruck teenage fool,

forever,
I want you.

She dances in her garden
thinking that I am Adam.
-
Yet I am the serpent,
the storm that gathers.

“No matter what I do, it’s never enough.”

Can you imagine?
Hearing those words whispered, a whimpering puff of air.
So meek and fragile.

Those same words piercing your chest like a lance, causing the pressure to build and build and build until it feels like the whole universe must be collapsing within you.

How do you argue the point?
How do you tell them that they are everything you could’ve asked for.
Everything you never dared to hope for.
Everything...

How do you get them to feel what you feel?

How can I
get you to see yourself
the way I do?

She hops out of bed
landing gracefully,
as her cat watches in awe.

Pillows
and covers
and sheets
and toys,
lay strewn around.

A just loved wetness between her legs,
she trembles at the first hit of her cigarette.

She is life
and it is death.

Together they dance,
a lovely silhouette.

And in the background
I cannot help,
but hold my breath.

Some days
I wake up a hero
others
I struggle with being the villain

Come to me my love,
come to me;
On starry nights,
with stars so bright,
they fill you full of life.

Come to me my love,
come to me;
With broken heart,
on days so hard,
and I will play my part.

Come to me my love,
come to me;
When the world spins
and you lose yourself,
and I will hold you up.

Surprise me,
keep me on my toes.

Love me,
kiss me like you’re starving.

Embrace me,
hold me like you’ll never leave.

Stay with me,
I hate to be alone...

Stay with me,
I hate to say goodbye.

Stay with me,
at least for tonight.

He loves her.

Look,

at the way
 he stares at her.

Eyes hungry
&
devouring.

How can you stand it?

Because she is free.


She has chosen,

to be with me.

I do not own her.

She is not mine 
to have.

She is free.

And if she leaves,

she leaves.

But I don’t think 
she will.


Because I,
have set her free.

I am mad…

Brilliantly so,

yet mad nonetheless.

Truth is…

Hardly anyone,

can understand that.

And sadly…

Even fewer,

can accept it.

You turned my mind against itself.
Filled it with confusion and self doubt.

You took my heart
and pumped it full of joy.
You baked it in the hottest of flames
until it began to crack.

And then you took your arrow
and
shattered it,
like a fragile vase
hit from a thousand paces.

You never could’ve missed
for you had the largest target in the world, my feelings for her.

You gave me the greatest thing
in the world
only to laugh
as you ripped it away.

This is why I stand here now.
With the millions of others
you have so harmed
standing behind me.

The heartbreak horde
&
we are at your door.


For love,

you and I,

are now at war.

And I loved you…

Down to the lines on your hands 

&
the crooks of your knees.
-
With your broken eyes

&
your crooked smile,

I loved you.

And tonight
,
neither you

nor the stars,
can contain me.

When one of my best friends died a couple years ago I was devastated. Actually, I don’t think devastated can begin to encompass what I felt at the time. I mean I still feel it. There are nights when I can’t shake this dull throbbing ache in my chest. Nights when dawn just can’t come fast enough. Losing her hurt. It hurt because she and I were so close but it also hurt because she was the only person that I could be myself around. In a society dominated by *** and strength I could be weak and vulnerable with her and she’d never mock me for it. There was never anything ****** between us. There was never a need for it. We met and we just clicked. We couldn’t have been closer even if we tried. I’d told her that where I came from there’d always be hundreds of stars out at night. And that whenever I used to feel low that I’d just sit on my roof and stare at them for hours, wishing I could find my way to a far away planet that orbited one of them. When I told her that I was truly at peace when I’d be staring up at them she never laughed. Never made fun of me. She told me that she felt the same way about the ocean. That something about the sound of the waves rolling in and out had the same impact on her.

She was the first person to ask to come stargazing with me. And I was the only person she ever invited to listen to the ocean with her.

Pretty soon after our conversation we made plans to do both. One night we just hopped in her car and drove. The nearest small beach was maybe two hours or so away from the big city we lived in. That first night as we laid under the stars with our feet in the wet sand, I felt at peace. I felt as if everything in the world made sense and all that really mattered was that one moment. That one night. The drive back hurt like hell. I think she must’ve felt the same way because neither one of us could stop sniffling or rubbing our eyes until she dropped me off. In fact we couldn’t even look at each other until we said goodbye. It was a shock to be so intimately connected to someone else.
Soon after, we made plans to go back as often as we could. Sometimes we’d go 5-6 times a month. We’d always look forward to those trips and I remember that no matter what came up we’d always find a way to get out of it for the sake of our little getaways.

Eventually we started going less and less. She got a boyfriend and he hated the fact that we were friends. She still hung out with me but I could see the strain it was putting on her relationship so I backed off. She couldn’t understand it. She felt as if I had abandoned her. I wanted to tell her that I hadn’t but I never did. One night she confronted me and I was an *** to her. No other way to put it. I thought that she needed a love life more than she needed her best friend. We saw less and less of each other after that. I think eventually she just stopped calling. Tired of me blowing her off. I couldn’t bring myself to go to our beach without her and so I spent the next couple of months gazing up at a starless sky from within a city of dazzling lights.
I wish you could understand how hard and fast my heart began to beat when I saw her name flash across the top of my screen. I leapt at the phone and knocked it off the edge of my desk in my panicked frenzy to answer. And I wish you could understand how utterly my heart broke when I heard her sobbing on the other end of the line. She told me that he had cheated on her. That she had found out in the middle of a party that they were at. She felt embarrassed and humiliated. I wish you could understand how angry I felt at that moment. At him for putting her through that, at myself for not being there to knock his teeth out. Not being there to take care of her.

She was driving. Drunk and hysterical. I stayed on the phone with her as I quickly got dressed and left my house to jet over to her place. I remember telling her the usual generic things that one says to a friend going through a rough breakup. I also remember asking her if she’d like to take a trip with me sometime soon, like we used to. That had gotten her to stop crying. I wish you could understand just how sweet the tiny chuckle that escaped her was to my ears. I remember just how her voice sounded when she said that she’d love that. Right before she told me that she was home and to hurry over as soon as I could.
I remember I stopped to get her chocolate and flowers. There was a line. I waited maybe 20 minutes. I remember getting to her apartment. The door unlocked. I called her name.

No answer.
Running water.
Bathtub.
Red.

I remember my eyes burning. A bottomless pit in my chest. I remember the paramedics saying that they were maybe just 15 minutes or so too late. I remember her telling me to hurry over as soon as I could. As soon as I could. I wish you could understand how long it took for my hands not to feel like they were still covered in her blood. Or how I still can’t hear her name and not flinch.

Most of all,
I wish
YOU,
could understand just how much spending a night with you on the beach gazing up at the stars meant to me.

Happiness?

Happiness is;
driving for an hour,

running out of cigarettes,

pulling into a gas station,

realizing you left your wallet at home,
breaking down in your car,

pummeling the steering wheel,

screaming your lungs out,

gasping for breath as you cry,

wondering when you’ll catch a break,
begging the universe for a sign

and just as you’re about to lose it
finding a $10 bill
poking out from under the floor mat.


It’s buying that pack.

Happiness?

Happiness is;
laughing,

it’s laughing like a madman,

because you know it’s truly okay,
happiness is throwing that pack away,
because you don’t need it anymore,

it’s smiling on the drive back.

When your heart is broken,
happiness is whatever you make it
and whatever you need it to be.

A black metal cell,

for my body.

A white padded cell,

for my mind.

A red beating cell,

for my heart.

How long will you continue,

to lock me up…?

My never born firstborn,
Life seems so empty
and I find that my heart
aches for you.

Death has never been more inviting
than it is right now.
The reaper lures me closer
with the sound of your voice.

I need you to touch,
I need you to see,
I need you so much,
I need you with me...

I cannot stop crying.
Because the memories
we'll never have
continue to run down my cheeks.

You have left me with an unfillable void
That grows larger with every day.
You are so wonderful to think about,
and heartbreaking,
to be without.

I may still be here,
but a part of me
is surely lost,
for all eternity.

I will try to be better for you.
And if you want it true,
I have never been more ashamed,
than when I learned that I failed you...

Protected,
you were supposed to be
loved and cherished forever.
And I think that this loss within me
will resonate,
ending never.

Heaven and earth may lay between us
but I will never forget,
that for however brief it may have been,
you made a father of a man full of regret.

I hope that angels use their wings
to wipe away your every tear.
After every tragic moment of life
about your mother and I that you hear

For the loss of a child slain
what words could suffice?
To break the veil of such a pain
to thaw a heart encased in ice.

Had I known...
If only she hadn't been on her own.
Perhaps now,
you wouldn't have to be alone.

Had I been for her enough,
perhaps you would've got to meet us.
The broken light of a still white dawn
and a hurricane from darkness drawn.

They say that there is nothing harder
than a father having to bury a daughter.
We could've had a child to tuck into bed
but we have a guardian angel instead.

I just wanted you to know,
that you are still missed down here.
That there are still people,
who will forever hold you dear.

I will always wonder who
you would've been.
What books you would've read.
The silly things you would've said.

With whatever color eyes and hair
you would've certainly been,
the fairest of the fair.
Such a beautiful,
delicate
little thing.

I know dear,
I miss her too.
She will be loved forever
in me and you.

I hope you are cuddled.
Never too far,
from puppies and kittens
wherever you are.

I will look for you
in every single star.
Knowing you watch over me,
from afar...

We poets are sad creatures

yearning for attention.

Essentially we’re children,

pointing fingers and screaming
...

“Look what they did to me”.

You are the ache
in every word that I write.
Loving you was,
in a world of wrong,
the only right.

Nowadays everyone’s damaged.

Everyone has something
weighing them down.

We’re just a sea of people

drowning with the things we never said.

I thought that you were love

and perhaps you were.

But perhaps I was wrong,

and my love was meant

for her.

Tongue tied and terrified,

we watch the world come to an end.

As stars collide,

we near our rivers bend.

We face our love with pride,

yet our hearts it still does rend.

And I would’ve cried,

had I known this would be our end.

Women are like music,
or women are like flowers.
Women are like this,
or women are like that.

The truth is,
women are far too beautifully complex
to be compared to any single thing.
So find yourself a woman that makes you happy and cherish her company.

She is exactly who and what she is meant to be, do not waste your time trying to compare her to anything else.

Love her for the woman she is.

Death isn’t some skeletal apparition
with black robes.
Death is;
a forgotten anniversary
an unread text
a soft kiss on another’s lips.

Death isn’t some grand monster.
Death is the smallest of things.

Good men starve in packs,
and the wicked dine alone.

Never tell a woman what she can or cannot do.
Empires have fallen,
because women have willed them to.

You're so far away
and yet,
closer to my heart
than anyone else.

You sleep
and I die,
in another's arms.

Hurt me for being loyal
and I will learn not to be.
Punish me for my honesty
and you will find less of it.
Abuse a loving heart
and it will cease to love.

Falling,
in love,
is risky business.
Either you land on a cloud
or plummet to earth.

In the end,
you can only choose
to trust someone.
You cannot choose
what they do with that trust.

Love more, judge less
People’s stories
are infinitely complex.

I’m sure of two things;
that life goes on
and that I love.