I believe I was found
by a mystery, unbound
that metal clang against
the blackness in my chest

chains so far removed
by hands holed and bruised
blood and water pour
drowning my yesterdays

the mystery of this
a transcendental bliss
it cannot be contained
and I dare not restrain

this dance in blood
and broken chains

This senseless self-preoccupation
sends me straight to Hell
and I can’t tell if it’s your fault or mine
it’s fine either way, I’m not sure I care at this point
I’m just tired of every piece of my life feeling so painfully out of joint
my heart conjoined with assumed opinions and criticism that even Satan would call excessive

And I push you away like you put this on me
that you expect me to be just like everybody else
or maybe that perspective veils the reality that I know I was made for more than this
******* away my time and energy worrying about if I measure up to what you expect of me

I mean, you want me to look like your firstborn son
how can I even begin to measure up to that after everything I’ve done?
or at least this is the tape I run repeatedly in my head
And in a way it’s like I dread hearing anything besides it
because if I hear a different sound
I’m bound to bigger responsibility and I’m pushed to the brink

And I find myself sinking beneath the terrible thought that you’re disappointed in me
That you find me disgusting and can’t wait to be rid of me
But while I’m making self-pity my revelry I so often fail to see the devilry of my thoughts
not catching that I’m thinking way more highly of my brokenness than I ought
and we’ve fought over this more times than I can count,

I know.

God, how many more times do you have to show me that the way I think just doesn’t work?
How many more times will you remind me I’m not loved because it’s earned?
That Jesus took on the curse that I deserved
I’ve read and heard the story a thousand times
even though I forget it at the drop of a dime
so remind me again, I don’t have to try so hard
to be the son you want and that...

you’re not nearly as far away from me as I think you are

Personas, ever transient
ebbing and flowing
coming and going with
laughter
sorrow
anger
worry
and confusion.

Is it a question of
who am I?
or is it a question of
will I?

Will I
love?
Hate?
Fight?
Forgive?
****?
Save?

Heroes, villains
men, monsters
we're all of these things.
we are not static
we are a choice.

We are who we choose to be.

Worlds shaking
Hearts breaking
Iniquity razing
our reality

The castle with
lonely halls
desperate calls
for holy hands

Frustration breaks
your stained glass
pieces of beauty
forever despised

As worlds shake
and hearts break
forgiveness rebuilds
the castle stands still

Who I am
who I'm not
which is right?
I forgot.

Memories of the past,
longings for the future...
they argue constantly.

The past says there is no future.
The future says to forget the past.
The present doesn't know
which voice to listen to.

Should the hope for the future
give way to the scars of the past?
Is the hope for tomorrow
a bleeding wound from yesterday?

I seek the answer.

If my present hope for the future
is merely an unbound scar...
I'd rather find a new hope and
let the scars heal.

But...

If my hope for the future
is a light to the present,
may I forget the past
and dance beneath the stars.

A star, I have found,
and that star is You!
Who have I among them
but You?

The galaxies
subjected to Your will;
You alone
can make their lights shine.

My hope is built
on nothing less.
May You make the stars shine,
and leave darkness destroyed.
May You be the pinnacle of joy.
May I dance with You as
You sing over me!

O, the love of the Maker
of the shining stars!

My first love
perfect in all
qualities He holds
closely and dearly.

Relentless
slow to anger
gentle
near and dear
to the broken heart.

But I forget You.

My soul leaps
seeing remnants of You
found in leaking vessels
scattered across my memory

But I forget You.

The leaking vessels
one day hold no water
leaving me parched and dry
and I long for a drink...

But I forget You.

I am but another
broken vessel alone
empty as the whole of the earth.

The earth seeks to quench
their thirst
racing to and fro for water

But we forget You.

O, weary soul,
Remember!
O, tired soul,
The living water is here!
O, thirsty soul,
Drink and never thirst again!

Oh, first love!
As the deer pants for water,
so my soul pants for You!

There's this thing about worship
that I often forget.

You see it's not just this thing
that we do on Sunday.
It's every day;
Every breath and movement of our hands
is done because we understand
that God's grace is not a prize we won.

It was a selfless giving of His only son
that He gave to rend our chains undone
and bring us into relationship with Him
by the victory over sin that we proclaim He won!

Yet somehow life still becomes some kind of rat race
trying to appear holy and saving face
with no admittance that we still need grace
and our response to that grace just kind of...

Disappears.

And then I wonder why I don't see His face,
why I'm not moved by His Word
why I'm not changed by His grace.
I wonder why I don't want Him around,
while my wrists are secretly bound
with shackles I like too much to take off.

But on Sunday morning I pray to be free
to realize that this Jesus did die for me
so that I could be with Him where He is one day,
yet day to day, I almost never say

God, I need you, and I'm not okay.

And I know it doesn't have to be this way!
I know He gave His Spirit, He promised that He'd stay
With me until the end of the age
and even in my deepest darkness His love for me is still the same
But God, oh God, I'm so ashamed
of all the things I've done while periodically praising Your name.

But there is no condemnation from You, You say.
You invite me to turn and run away
Into your arms and that I'll be changed--
That You will give me a new heart
and remove all of this shame
If I'd just confess my sin to You, You'd take the pain.

So I beg, and beg, that every day
My response to You would be the same
To run to You and admit my need
For Your grace, for Your love
above everything.

That I'd never not be responding
with my life, my work, and all my talking
to the Christ that stepped into time
to make me His, and make Him mine.

Did I choose this life
Or did it choose me?
Did I take the path I took
believing I was free?

Was it me that took the first step?
If it was I'm not sure why
my ankles and wrists have scars
from where pain pulled me along
and all the while you know
I sang a happy song
convinced that I'm right where I belong

Here.

Here is where my deepest
fears are all covered up by
dear friends that I just met yesterday
But it's like I've known them my whole life
convinced beyond all doubt that
this is what freedom feels like

They like me after all
These people who chant the happy song
along with me, blissfully unaware that
none of us are really free.
In reality it's all one big scheme
cooked up by our darkest memories
because remembering hurts too much
with pain we'd all rather not touch

or talk about

God forbid we doubt this happy song we sing
or realize all the pain that truth might bring
So we'll carry on in hope
that our pretending doesn't go up in smoke

So let's have a conversation now while we can
about all the things kept behind the door
to your closet filled with ***** laundry
that's been there for years
damp with tears that no one ever saw you cry
You swear you'd die if anyone did.
Because in there you hid after what you did
or what you had done to you

Me too.

If I'm honest, I need you
The monster got me too.
Trauma and tragedy that turned me
into whatever the heck I am now

but somehow I'm still here

And believe me when I say I know;
Underneath all your fears
you're dying to hear that
you weren't the only one.

You weren't.

We didn't choose this road
pain told us we had to take it
that we had to fake it or get eaten alive
that this was the only way to survive
but if this is all there is I'd rather die!
Don't tell me that all I can do is hide
Don't tell me to just pretend away
all the shame and self-hate
as if I were assigned some cruel fate
Where I feel like I'm nothing forever

Never!

I refuse to keep living a lie
No, pain, you can't make me
though I know you tried
I'm awake now and your credibility is fried
your access to my heart denied
I've cried enough in solitude and silence
Your violence ends today.

So in this my brother I pray for you
That you find that this is true
That your life is more than an empty tune
That pain said you had to sing.
The you that God intended you to be
Let him out, He set him free
Through blood spilled to wash him clean

This is the new song we have to sing.

Your hands, they're trembling again.
Mine are too.
I reach out to save you,
but suddenly I'm grasping a ledge.

I didn't ask for this, but somehow,
I gave myself a role.
You didn't ask for this, but somehow,
I claimed you as mine.

There's so many of you!
What am I supposed to do?
Can I even do anything?

No, I can't.
I can't save even a single life.
That power doesn't lie with me,
not in the least.

Yet there is a hope!
A hope beyond me.
A hope that transcends time;
a force greater than I can imagine!

On a tree, this hope was hung.
A man judged for all time,
A God who sacrificed all he had,
for the sake of monsters like us.

Yes, this hero, this God-man, this Jesus
died and was raised to life.
This Savior who came for us,
who claimed His children's lives as His own.

He will save you, not me!
I have no hope to give on my own,
but that Jesus died, bearing your sin
and killing it forever.

He will claim those who are His,
and He will save them.

I'm no savior, and I don't have to try to be.

I wanna talk like it's romantic
but in all honesty it's tragic
you see the way we fell in love
you came and kissed me like a dove
in sunny springtime

You got me through some cloudy days
made all the sadness go away

for a minute

and the more we laughed and played
my soul felt it was saved
so long as I had you

but one day there was something strange
we had a little more than an exchange

let's cut the crap, we had ***

and afterwards I found myself vexed
at all the things I felt in my chest

I wanted to believe that we were friends
that I could keep you--we didn't need to end
but what I wanted, I couldn't pretend
It was wholesome ever again
It was sin

"Us" became an argument I could never win
a logic I could never spin
around enough times to make anything come full circle
the innocence I thought I knew
in that one instance blew away
into the past before that spring day
that our lips touched

It feels just too much
to admit that you were lying
trying to get my attention
long enough to where I'd want more

I went from a stupid kid to a *****
and my heart is sore for all the shame it bore
since then
how could I still find myself wanting more
knowing that what we had was never real?

Your friendship has become an agony
that I wish I never had to feel.

When the storms rage in my head
When I'm drowning in my dread
When I'm living like I'm dead
There you are

When I have no hand to hold
When I've lost sight of control
When I can't be strong or bold
There you are

And even though I see no sign above
I'm asking you to give me strength to trust

God you say that you're good
but everything I know
Seems so out of control

And I can't make sense
of where you are in all this mess
and all I feel is my distress

But you say you're here
Could I know you're here?

I’m caught up in a cacophony
a mix of jarring noises sounding all at once
Your voice drowned out by hateful screams
reminding me of choices that make me
forget that You ever loved me

I wring my hands tight
with every single fight
that I watch myself lose again
and again
and again
and again
and my sin whispers words that
fall like anvils dropped from
the empire state building
and that cacophony gets that much louder.

And I come to find I certainly lack the power
to do anything that seems even of the slightest worth
to me, to you, to everyone that I threw away
because those anvils that hit me yesterday
hit me just a little too hard and
I don't want to get hit again because
I just might die next time.

My memory offers me nothing but unrest as my
conscience is put to the
test that I keep forgetting that I’m supposed to study for
and it's easy to blame it on the dog because it ate my textbook
or at least I say that because I don't want to look
at the words of life that I come to find only condemn me
for all the things I know I was supposed to do right the first time.

Because at first I think I knew
that You were the only one who was worth it
worth all my devotion and energy
and at one point I think I was blissfully caught up
in what sounded like a symphony
that in spite of the giant mess that was my life the Creator of the universe was somehow madly in love with me.

But now all I seem to do
is wonder why I can't hear the melody
only ever feeling guilty
that the grand staff where you wrote that symphony
strikes nerves instead of chords
leaving me feeling depressed, broken and even bored
and instead of a song I see an impossible score
that I'm sure I could never perform
well enough to feel like I was worthy of Your love.

But the person you sang to back then
I'm pretty sure he hated you
deeply longing for his sin
that he was head-over-heels for
a nightmare he said was his best friend.
And Lord I wish I could say all of this in the past tense
But my pretense can only go so far
you have scars for things I did today on your hands and feet!
And the noise of this reality hits me so hard that I can hardly breathe
Let alone begin to see that you never stopped playing the symphony.

Instead of striking me dead where I stand
and pouring out all the wrath you can
It makes so much more sense
That you should take my life
to make me pay the ultimate price
Jesus, You never did anything wrong
It should have been me, but in that song...

The lyric rings “Jesus paid it all.”

Oh Lord, how I long
that the cacophony
be drowned out by Your symphony
that I would hear every curse
Reorchestrated instead to sing of mercy
That every anvil that falls
in a hope to fell me
would be cast into the infinite sea
of grace where my body was buried
and it was!

The old me is dead and done
Yesterday is a memory and no longer
what I'm doomed to become
because the price You paid

I confess, God, it's enough.

Alone in a crowd
All heads bowed to pray
I said all the words
the preacher said to say

I followed the rules
Tried to stay in the lines
that were drawn for me
I couldn’t question why

but I’m all out of faith
don’t think I can stay here with you
don’t where to go
don’t think I can know what’s really true

Alone in a crowd
among a thousand faces
all wearing a mask
tryin’ their best to fake it

Just follow the rules
and stay in the lines
don’t let ‘em see you breaking
and don’t you dare cry

but I’m all out faith
don’t think I can play at this no more
don’t know what to do
don’t know what I’m even praying for

I want to know your hear me
I’m so ******* scared
that all that I’ve believed in
was never really there

Did I really know you loved me
was I just puttin’ on airs
oh please just ******* say something, God
I want to believe you’re there

Alone in my room
left with my tears
I read that you catch them
and treasure them dear

Do my cries matter to you
these words that I pray
I’ve got nothing left, Jesus
Please don’t go away

Surrounded
caged in by
I can't
suffocated

I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't

Can't
breathe
hope
love

Can't
do any of those things
I can
does

Can
breathes
hopes
loves

A key
to the cage
of can't
you have it

You can
breathe
hope
love

Can you
breathe for me?
hope for me?
love for me?

Can you
unlock the door
and believe
I can too?

(Verse 1)
I look up at the sky and see
cascading majesty abundant
Feel so little, feel so small
so insignificant before it

My heart, stained black with
regrets that I ignore
My back stays turned
from shame You said you bore


(Chorus)
And yet, You reach down
to the tiny speck of dust that I am
and You wrap me in Your arms
and I'm overwhelmed

You bore all the sin
for the tiny speck of dust that I am
and You wrap me in Your arms
and I'm overwhelmed

Breathing heavy
behind my eyes
you lie in wait
for my submission.

Uncontainable
yet contained
Uncontrollable
yet subdued

for a moment.

You are darkness
you are fury
you yearn for blood
to burst forth and ****

You drench me
in shadows and blood
I dance with you
like no one ever should

I give you all I have
you become my consummation
then you leave me to die
violated, hung to dry

You thief!
You liar!
How dare you call for more!
You make a thousand promises,
as if I were your *****!
But perhaps I am that and more
for I continue to answer your knocking at my door.

No more!

You're a monster
a damnable beast!
you're nothing like
I had ever dreamed...

So I take my leave.
I return to the bridegroom
that I have so deeply grieved.
His promises ring true
they deafen me to the lies you tell.
I pray and beg I heed them
lest I let you drag me into Hell!

You didn't just call me out
But you called me in
Into marvelous light
Not just out of sin

And I can't bear to stay
But I'm afraid to go
God, I don't even know
What it is I'm holding onto
anymore (x2)

Aren't You worth it?
Aren't You worth it?
You're worth all I have
and then some

God, You're worth it
You're worth it
I'll give all I have
and then some

And I don't have to stay
I'm not afraid to go
God take all that I have
all that I've been holding onto
Make it Yours

What are these things you feel?
These deep things
secret things
their worth unbeknownst to you.

I cannot grasp them;
The breadth and worth of them
the way you do.

I cannot feel true pain
nor relish in overflowing joy.
I am but a suit of armor,
polished and made to reflect
a light that does not belong to me.

Awake, awake, o sleeper!
Awake to the worth of the blessed curse
to laugh and cry
to dream and die
with the strum of a lyre and the stroke of the pen
and the thousand words from family and friends.

It is not merely a blessing, nor merely a curse
and believe me, it is far, far worse
to be disconnected from the majesty
of your bleeding heart.

(Main chorus)

No matter how deep
no matter how dark
the places I run to are
Your Spirit is there, Your Spirit is there

(Verse A)

I've shut off the light
I've shut tight the door
Surrounded by voices that I can't ignore
The shadows closing in
Tell me I can't win
And I try so hard not to forget

(Sing chorus twice)

I've given up the fight
so many times before
A thousand scars bleed with the sins I abhor
And yet where sin abounds
Your grace abounds more
So now my soul will sing

(sing chorus, slowly building up for bridge)

(Bridge) (repeat once, then repeat last line)

Even darkness is
as the light to You
Even down in my depths
You still pursue
I can't get away
no matter where I go
So let your Spirit shine bright
and set fire to my soul

set fire to my soul

(repeat chorus twice)

When the storms rage in my head
When I'm drowning in my dread
When I'm living like I'm dead
There You are

When I have no hand to hold
When I've lost sight of control
When I can't be strong or bold
There You are

And even though I see no sign above
I'm asking You to give me strength to trust

God You say that You're good
but everything I know
seems so out of control
And I can't make sense
of where you are in all this mess
and all I feel is my distress

But you say You're here
Could I know You're here?

Lord, You set the stars at night
You command the sun to rise
And when I open up my eyes
There You are

Oh, You calm the wind and waves
raised a dead man from his grave
with an arm that's strong to save
There You are

And even though I see no sign above
I'm asking You to give me strength to trust

God You say that You're good
but everything I know
seems so out of control
And I can't make sense
of where you are in all this mess
and all I feel is my distress

But You say You're here
Could I know You're here?

Here I lift this knife
Poised to take this life
You say stay your hand
Oh please, stay your hand
There's a better way
I will take your place
And you'll never be alone again

God I know that You're good
Take everything I know under Your control
I don't have to make sense
of how You're using all this mess
with love eclipsing my distress

And You say You're here
And I know You're here

Caught up in a cacophony
of curses and the tragedy
of forgetting that You love me

I wring my hands tight
with every single fight
that I watch myself lose again
and again
and again
and again
and my sin
whispers words that
fall like anvils dropped from
the empire state building
and that cacophony gets that much louder.

And I come to find I certainly lack the power
to do anything that seems even of the slightest
worth
to me, to you, to every friend that I threw
away
because those anvils that hit me yesterday
hit me just a little too hard and
I don't want to get hit again because
I just might die next time.

My memory offers me nothing but unrest as my
conscience is put to the
test that I keep forgetting that I was supposed to study for
and it's easy to blame it on the dog because it ate my textbook
or at least I say that because I don't want to look
at the words of life that I come to find only condemn me
for all the things I know I was supposed to do right the first time.

You know,
there was a song You sang to me
the day we met for the first time
a resounding sound so sublime
a melody of mercy and love
washing white all I had ever done
and somehow by some incredible mystery
you won my heart then.

But now all I seem to do
is wonder why I can't hear the melody
only ever feeling guilty
that the grand staff where you wrote that song
strikes nerves instead of chords
leaving me feeling depressed, broken and even bored
and around the song you've composed an impossible score
that I'm sure I could never perform
well enough to feel like I was worthy of Your love.

But the person you sang that song to back then
I'm pretty sure he hated you
only longing for his sin
that he was head-over-heels for
a nightmare he said was his best friend.
He had broken all the rules
Spent his youth trading treasure for fools
gold that he dug up
and buried the truth in its place
He cared nothing for mercy
And felt no need for grace
I still remember very well that he even spat in your face but that person...
You still took his place.

Instead of striking him dead where he stood
and pouring out all the wrath you could
It would have made so much more sense
to take his life
To make him, to make me pay the price

I mean, You never did anything wrong
It should have been me, but in that song...

The lyric rings, "Jesus paid it all."

Oh Lord, how I long
that the cacophony
be drowned out by Your symphony
that I would hear every curse
Reorchestrated to instead sing of mercy
That every anvil that falls
in a hope to fell me
would cast into the infinite sea
of grace where my body was buried
and it was!

The old me is dead and done
only a memory and no longer
what I'm doomed to become
because the price You paid

I confess, God, it's enough.

Oct 2019
A Word About Coming Out

So it's National Coming Out day.
A moment to get it off your chest and say
that you're transgender, bisexual, lesbian or gay.
A lot of my friends I know feel this way.

I have brothers and sisters within Church walls
who feel this way too, but are terrifed to be called
any of these labels, lest they lose their home
and get stripped of everything they've ever known

their desires are talked about like these diseases
creases on their soul for which they could never atone
or iron out with good behavior
or the most devout times of prayer

I think of this, and my heart breaks for you
because I admit, I've been there too
wanting for things I'm afraid to say
because of the way that I could be shamed

I’m not so sure about using a label
to define an experience so unstable
yet I can't help at times but be distracted
by the reality that I'm same-*** attracted

The church, I think, is too afraid
to face the fact that there are many who feel the same
we shame these desires from a distance,
talking like it's us VS them, as if that ecplises
the fact that this can happen to any of us

can we trust that Jesus is not afraid of this?
That his body is meant to be a safe haven
not a place where anyone fears being hated
for things they have no idea how how to change
as if anyone had a clue in the first place

There’s been too many to suffer in silence
Too many have succumbed to violence
Because of feelings they never asked to feel
and pain we don’t seem to think is real

I know what the Bible says, and I know it’s true
but Jesus never beat someone with it like we seem to
he calls us to repentance, but we act like we don’t need to
Yet our sin of silently allowing this abuse is something that made Christ bleed too.

So can we have a conversation, no debate
that we speak the truth in love, not hate
That we come forward with open arms
Repenting of our silent harm

Brother, sister, I’m so so sorry
That I wouldn’t have raised up an army
to fight for your right to exist with me
because my own secrets kept me hiding

So I’m deciding here and now
to let you know you’re loved, somehow
and I pray before life’s final breath
I can know Christ’s love stood the test.

Breathing heavy
behind my eyes
you lie in wait
for my submission

Uncontainable
yet contained
Uncontrollable
yet subdued

for a moment

You are darkness
you are fury
you yearn for blood
to burst forth and ****

You're a monster
you're a thief
you're nothing like
I had dreamed

Invisible, yet
forever etched in
memory

I hear
the sound you made
like lonely wind

Swept away by
violent storms
twisted

A silence fell
that lonely wind
whispered

Your image invisible
my heart shattered
selfless

A dream erased
I couldn't
ever face you.

Can I run away with You?
Can I get out of today
and go back to the time
when I knew the works of Your hands?
Broken and mended all at once, I was
destroyed and created
made beautiful from ashes.

Tears wept by a soul sealed
memories of a heart healed
iniquity eclipsed by heaven's perfection.
Shameless, blameless, all forgotten
knowing only that You love me
completely and with no regard to yesterday.

Because yesterday, today, and forever
Your grace forgave them all.
And I need only recall
my Jesus and King
His love displayed on Calvary.

In the maw
of love and
lust
Fangs sink in
and desire becomes
dust
All goes dark
as passions break
skin
I feel different
humanity's collapse
within.

This pain
isn't
what love
I
need.

Am I terrified or uninspired?
Am I dreading the process or just tired?
I want there to be meaning
to every pen stroke
Do I want to be impressive, profound, prolific
or do I just want someone to see me

That happened before, a few times
and it always felt like dreaming
yet it was always a fleeting moment in time

God, are you still there?

Do you see me the way those people did
poring over my work and investing in it
telling me what you really think
saying so much more than a passing “that’s good Dill” and then leaving me behind?

Is it good enough for you to like it
Even if it’s technically bad?
Does it get your attention?
Or do I already have your attention?

I can’t use my creativity to make you love me
I never had to
It’s such a thrill for someone to take notice of me when they didn’t have to
But you never had to, never have to
But every moment you notice me, don’t you?

Dad?

Do you notice me?

Even when my art is bad?

Do you believe I can do better? That taking the time to improve is worth it?

But my improvement doesn’t make you love me more either, nor does my lack of it make you love me less

But I don’t want to be disobedient

I don’t want to keep burying my pens in the sand

I want to love my art the way you love me, unconditionally

I don’t right now, right now I hate it
I hate my limits
I hate the lost time
I hate feeling like an invisible artist
yet I’m terrified to let myself be seen again

But it’s too late for that now

You already see me, don’t you? Warts and all.

And beyond what I could possibly understand
somehow, you like what you see
You love it
You love me

Even when I’m burying myself in darkness
Even when I’m dead inside and hiding from everyone
I can’t hide from you
I never could no matter how I’ve tried

All those wonderful times when people did see me, they saw my talent and my creativity and thought it was worth their notice when I never asked for it

That euphoria of being seen and loved

What if I could live there instead of in the shadows?
What if I could be grateful for what I have?
What if I could see the truth that I’m always seen and known?
What if you’re always celebrating me even when I feel worth the opposite?

Maybe you’re in my heart
always telling me how smart, talented, creative I am
Not lying about my weaknesses but celebrating my strengths

Can I hear it? The sounds of divine celebration?

Can I listen for what’s real instead of tuning that out in favor of the fake?

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight
Oh Lord, My God.

What is my life without my pain?
What is it that I bring to the table
to talk about if my life isn’t unstable?
Am I able to say anything interesting
if it doesn’t carry the sting of my suffering?

I want to say I’m especially sad
to be able to say I’m especially bad
for the things I think, say and do,
since I threw away the idea that I was good at anything a long time ago.

And yeah, I know, some say I’m amazing
because they can’t draw, write, or sing
Like I ironically love to show that I can
until I can’t bring myself to anymore because
of everyone else that is far more adored for those things than I could ever hope to be.

I tend to go back there, by the way.
I tend to compare myself to those art wizards and rock gods
and weigh my worth against the odds that I could ever do the things they can
And it feels twisted that I can’t stand it
When I see my friends do it.
Forget them, I say, they aren’t you and your work isn’t worth how much it looks like theirs,
And art isn’t made to make people care about you
IT ISN’T MADE TO MAKE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU!

...but why can I nearly scream that at you,
when that feels the furthest from true to me?

I make my drawings sometimes into lifelines,
hoping someone will see past the picture long enough to refute the words “I’m fine,”
thinking someone might reach in and save me
Why does it pain me so much to stop pretending
To stop being the artist or musician I’m “supposed” to be
Long enough to let myself speak honestly
That I don’t need to spin rhymes to say I feel like I’m dying

I don’t need to... right?

Can I just say plainly that I’ve lost this fight and need help standing up again,
Can I believe it isn’t a sin to be broken
and choose not to leave the hurt unspoken;
Can I stop choking on my self-hatred,
excusing my silent dishonesty by saying “I made the mess and I have to face it,

alone...”

I know my depression was born from lonely nights at home,
trying to make my own way to escape the pain and find my own version of safety
neglecting how insane the attempts to escape this life made me
pretending away the hole in my soul gave me nothing
and none of my escapes made me feel okay,
they were just bricks for the walls of the prison where I stayed
away from all my family that never knew I felt this way
and to be honest I didn’t realize how bad it was either
to be my own judge, jury, and executioner,
to throw myself in jail every single time I failed
never letting anyone pay to bail me out

But Jesus never asked for my permission.

I can do this without you, y’know.
I don’t need you to show me anymore
how I ******* things up or how I’m not enough
for anyone to legitimately love me.

You shove me around
kicking me when I’m on the ground
with your cutting words within my soul
telling me again and again that
if I would just do better I would fill this hole

And holy crap
It blows my mind that I bought the whole thing!
That constantly criticizing myself would someday bring
some semblance of success or self-love
that this was the key to rise above all my pain

How insane that I believed you at all!
Who ARE you? Where did you get the gall to tell me I was worthless?
Worth this knife in my chest,
told to bleed till I was at my best and
obsessing over every last mistake I made as if this was supposed to save me?!

As if by shaming me you gave me reason to try harder—
oh, like you’re why I got that much farther
don’t bother trying to sell that garbage to me
like you’re some sort of savior that set me free.

I believe there’s only one Savior and he’s not like you.
He never beats me down or tells me that he’s through loving me
or shames me for not being perfect as if I had to be
or tells me that if I try harder then maybe I’ll be free

No! Jesus loves me!

And he loves me for me, not for being the person YOU say I should be,
and while you swore no one would ever fall for me,
he laid down his life on Judgement’s Tree,

Yes, for me.

So say what you want, I don’t care!
But don’t you ever dare say I need you again
Don’t you dare tell me that you’re my friend
Or that I need you to reach a happy ending

I’m done spending my life trying to please you
I’m worthy and loved, I don’t have to believe you
ever again, yes, this is where you end
I’m good enough now and was good enough then

And you’re the only one here who’s better off dead.

All that said, I’m gonna listen to Love today
I’m gonna believe that my sin debt was paid
No longer slaving to get a perfect score
I’m adored as I am, not as future version of me
that has it all together and is completely free
oh please, spare me, save your fantasies

The stone rolled away, my Jesus risen from the grave
proclaims to the universe that I’m worthy of love today.

I want to take you to new places
and show you where I’ve already been
Wherever it is, I want you to run away with me
to wherever that place is.

I’ve spent most of my adult life
thinking that taking flight was a crime
I’ve felt no permission since I was young
to etch out worlds and creatures
far flung from reality.

If I open the gates again
and travel back in time to when
I didn’t think escape was sin
would you still walk with me then?

I can’t help but feel it still
a call from worlds I know aren’t real
to break the seal that holds the key
to tens of thousands of untold stories.

I fear the key will rust and rot
making the call of those worlds for naught
if I do not break the seal soon
the key’s resting place will be their tomb.

I have permission now, I must believe
in the gifts that God has given me
they were never meant to be buried
or turned to shame I had to carry

I won’t tarry here, my wings I’ll spread
I’ll fly to unknown worlds ahead
you can come too if you want
but if you won’t, I simply don’t
have time to wait.

I simply don’t have time to wait.