When the world felt smaller,
I felt taller.
It keeps expanding…

I don’t know if I have any room left to grow.

You remind me of love.
You remind me of him.
You remind me of my grandma.
You remind me of kids laughing, of soft melodic music, of car rides with your best friends
You remind me of all the good stuff.
When I can’t breathe and everything is spinning.
When I’m on the verge of breaking.
You remind me.
You calm me.
Everything I wish I was I find in you.
Like him
Like my grandma
You’re my happy place.
You settle my thoughts.
You ground me.
When it’s just you and I, nothing else matters.

It’s just you and I.
And all the things you remind me of.

I’m finding peace in the silence.
In my heart.
In my soul.
In the storm.
In the dark thoughts.
In the good ones.
I’m finding peace in everything.
The world suddenly has a slightly brighter glow.
The weight I’m carrying is suddenly a little lighter.
The music has a different tune.
The birds sing a little louder.
The coffee tastes a little less bitter.
The words no longer need to be said.
The dark is a little less scary.

All because I’m finding peace.

I know in my heart
That I belong in the sunset.
In the stars.
In the moon.
In the grass.
In the trees.
In laughter.
In love.
I belong everywhere.
All the time.
Wherever I go,
I am.
Whatever I feel,
I am.

I’m falling in love with living.
Im talking windows rolled down music blasting living.
I’m talking sunsets on the kayak living.
Hammocking in the backyard.
Listening to my neighbors kids laugh.
Cup of coffee on the back porch.
The same spot I sit every day living.

I’m talking crying myself to sleep living.
I’m talking not wanting to wake up living.
The pain of not being loved.
The tears I’m constantly holding back.
The feeling on holding on by a thread living.

I’m falling in love with all of it.
All at once.
I’m falling in love with my soul and my spirit.
I’m falling in love with the sunset.
I’m falling in love with the silence.
I’m falling in love with the process of falling in love.
I’m learning to love everything around me. Including myself.
It’s no easy task.
It’s dedicating everyday to the commitment of healing.

But...

I can’t quit yet.
There’s so much more left
to fall in love with.

The weight of the world
rests on her shoulders.
As if she was the one
who created.
She blamed herself
for all the bad
all the good.
But mainly all the bad.
She cries for those she
barely knows and those she does.
She carries the weight like
bricks under her skin
She will carry the weight
Until she’s 102… making
her hunchbacked.
She cries for a god
she doesn’t believe in
She’s the silent girl
In the back of the class.
The one who wears
her worries in her eyes
in her smile.

Protector of life,
Draped in a suit of armor.
With a powerful demeanor, he stands
Noble
Fearless of the blazing gates of hell
Fearless of the flames that encompass him
Fearless of the torridity that sears his skin
Death engulfs him
The death that lies in the fire
The heat is almost too much to bare
But not for him.
For he is determined to save.
He charges on.
Ambers shoot at him,
Smoke strangles his lungs.
Removing his every last breath.
He knows hell personally
And endures it every day.
Even though he walks through hell
He is a heavenly being
Determined to save.
In times of terror
Only one thing matters:
No man left behind.
No man left behind.

I am the loudest in the room, but the easiest to ignore.

I'm tired of all the sad *******. I'm tired of the tears, not produced by me but by others. I'm tired of the heart breaks that built up your walls that I'm still trying to break down. I'm tired of everyone being tired. I'm tired of the mindless stares, the never ending solo cup, the meaningless ***. I'm tired of crying girls and ****** over boys. I'm tired of the ******* silence. I'm tired of everything meaning nothing. Frankly, I'm tired of all the sad **** that is trying to bring us down. It's a cycle. You're tired because I'm tired because they are. I'm done. I'm tired of being so **** tired. I've had enough. It's time to fight back. It's time to rise again. We've gotten enough rest. We are awake. Awake for the future, for greatness, for love, for pain, for sad **** because all this rest has us ready for a ******* war. I'm awake and ready to fight. Are you?

As much as I would love to say that the world is full of good people and pretty plants that bloom every spring, I can’t. I cannot say that because I know it is not true. The brutally honest facts is that no one is perfectly good and sometimes flowers don’t grow from the stem of the plan they were born from and they remain dormant. The sun doesn’t shine brightly every day and birds don’t always sing. I am not saying that the world is a hell hole and we might as well give up on a life that is going to end in failure anyways. However, I am saying that there will be bad days. I would say that my mind is pessimist but my heart is one hell of an optimist. My brain tells me that life isn’t fair and everyone dies eventually, but my heart tells me to power on another day because I am an incredible human being with so many things to offer the world. If I was an optimist, I would never be honest to myself and would allow myself to lie and say everything is okay when it isn’t. if I was an optimist, I would walk through life being stabbed and never stop to heal the wounds. However, if I was a pessimist I would never be fully happy and eventually the negativity would drag me down to a place not even the biggest optimist could pull me out of. If I was a pessimist I would walk through life being stabbed and stopping to heal my wounds. I think life is easier as a pessimist. It allows you to never get hurt. You’re always thinking of the bad that could happen and you avoid it. So maybe, I’m scared of getting hurt. Therefore, I admit that I am a pessimist.

I found someone who isn't just anyone.
I don't know how it happened
or why I was the one who got picked to have him by the stars or god or whoever it is that brings a perfect boy to a suicidal girl
but I found him.
In this messed up place we live in,
he's my savior.
If loving him is a sin,
tell the devil I'm in.
He has pulled me out of a place I thought I was living in forever
and put me in a world much better then the last.
I never believed in love,
but he is my exception.
I found a boy,
but while falling for him
I found myself.

The greatest injustice in life
is the flawed architecture of our mind.
Man is the measure of all things
and of himself.
Therefore,
one measures himself
in relation to another.
Life is an injustice
unto itself.
Life must exploit itself
to continue.

I'm simultaneously the happiest and saddest person.
And I'm still trying to figure out how that works.

Mama
When I grow tall
I'll be back
To save us all

There's something so beautiful about being in love, not with a person, but with the life you live.

I don't prefer beginning
And I don't prefer endings.
Because beginning are too hopeful
And endings are too sad.
I prefer the middle.
Because the middle
Isn't the beginning
And isn't the end.
The middle is when you feel invisible.
And nothing bad can ever happen.
It's where
dreams can maybe come true
And life can be blissfully perfect.
It's between
The hopeful and the sadness.
It's when
You feel like he will never hurt you
And you're content with yourself.
I prefer the middle
Because the middle doesn't have to start
And it never has to end.

There's a good girl
Deep
Deep down
So deep
I fell
And couldn't get out.

I've never had my heart broken.
And I think
that's sadder than having it broken.
No one has loved me
enough to leave me.
No one has loved me
at all.

My mother always said
'Strong people never fail'
But she didn't teach me
That you're worse enemy can be yourself.
Momma.
Why didn't you teach me
That when I'm 17 years old
Alone in bed
I'll cry because I feel so broken
I'll wake up
Cake on my make up
And draw a smile on my face
With bright red lipstick
Why didn't you teach me
That love never last.
But I guess that was a lesson I learned when you cheated on dad.
Why didn't you teach me
that I'll be dead long before my heart stops beating.

Depression is something with one definition
but too many faces.
for the past months
I have been wearing his.

I've been trying to convince myself
that I'm okay.
But your favorite tshirt is stained
with my blood.
And I know
I've been lying to myself.
for a long time.

I sit in the middle of the classroom
Because the back is too deceiving
And the front is too noticeable.
I sit in the middle.
I sit in the middle of happiness.
Because depression is too deceiving.
And pure happiness is too noticeable.
I sit in the middle of myself.
Because I'm not deceiving enough.
And I never want to be noticed.
I sit in the middle of life.
Because the past is too deceiving.
And the future is too noticeable

My heart is on fire
With love.
Love for people I don't know.
It's on fire
With passion.
Passion for things I don't like.
It's on fire
With pain.
Pain because of him.
It's on fire
With the memory of his kiss.
With the happiness I remember.  
With my childhood.
With laughter.
Tears.
Smiles.
Life.
Death.
Its on fire.
And I'm terrified the flame is going to go out.

He kissed me.
Soft
Then harder
And harder.
Our breath intertwined.
Passion.
I felt alive.
My skin on fire with every touch.
The rage in my heart growing with every kiss.
Him on top of me.
Making me forget my name.
I moaned
And he knew.
He knew he had me right where he wanted.
He whispered in my ear.
'You're all I've ever wanted.'
He kissed me  
And I knew
There was no way
I couldn't fall for the boy
Who kissed me.

I'm in love with a boy I've kissed once.
Who I know I'm bound to never kiss again.

I'm in love with a boy I've kissed twice.
First one so sweet.
Second one so bitter.

I'm in love with a boy I've kissed three times.
Each for the words 'I love you.'

I'm in love with a boy I've kissed four times.
Each one better than the last.  

I'm in love with a boy I've never kissed.

I'm falling.
I'm falling for a boy who doesn't know I'm falling.
I'm falling for a boy who holds me like I'm his.
I'm falling for a boy who holds every girl like their his.
I'm falling for a boy who I've kissed once.
I'm falling for a boy who's kissed everyone once.
I'm falling for a boy who's mother adores me.
I'm falling for a boy who looks at me and see something.
But maybe that's just a girl to sleep with.
I'm falling for a boy who could be the one.
The one who breaks my heart.
I'm falling.
I'm falling for a boy who doesn't know I'm broken.
I'm falling for a boy who thinks I'm beautiful.
I'm falling for a boy.
I'm falling.
I'm falling.
I'm falling and I'm afraid to land.
I'm falling and he doesn't know I'm falling.
I'm falling and
I hope he's falling to.

He tells me he doesn't like relationships.
But maybe it's just with me.
He tells me he doesn't like commitment.
But maybe it's just me.
He tells me he doesn't like being tied down.
But I cut the ropes.
He tells me doesn't like titles.
But he told me a book is defined by theirs.
He tells me I'm beautiful.
But he didn't make me believe it.
He tells me he loves me.
But maybe he doesn't.

I gave my childhood
to pain.
I gave years to something
that did not deserve it.
I gave my happiness to it
to instead of giving
it to myself.
I’ve been buying time on a
maxed out credit card.
My body is scarred
from trying to pay down the debit.

Lost happiness
and lasting pain torments.
I can't tell you how long
you will have to search
to find the lost happiness,
because I'm still searching
for it
myself.
What I can tell you
is that you aren't
alone.

What I prefer is a paradox
I prefer flowers,
but I am not the kind of girl that you give them to.
I prefer to come alive at night,
yet I'm afraid of the dark.
I prefer to have a blank mind,
but most of the time thy does not happen.
I prefer to talk
but I say nothing important.
I prefer having a wild heart
but I'm trapped in a cage.
I prefer being full of love
but I won't give it anymore.
I prefer blue eyes
yet I fell for brown.
I prefer my own company
yet I hate being alone.
I prefer being complicated
but I'm easy to figure out.
I prefer to walk,
but I want to be swept off my feet.
I prefer oxygen,
but he takes my breath away.
I prefer black
yet like yellow.
Silence is golden
but I prefer silver.
I prefer noise in a world that is deaf yet I remain

silent.

Tell a girl she's beautiful, even if she doesn't believe you.

I just hope
That he doesn't try to come back
Because
I don't know
If I'm strong enough
To not let him back in.
I don't know
If I can look him in the eyes
And not fall back in love
With the man
Who destroyed me

This isn't a story
about how I overcame a past demon
or how I beat the bully with the power of friendship,
because you and I both know
that didn't happen.  
I don't want this to be another sad teenaged story
about how my boyfriend broke up with me
or how my best friend kissed my crush.
This is a story about how
I was born an unlucky kid
who I was blessed with
tears instead of smiles,
who has more love for other
than for herself,
who is more willing to die
than to live.
I'm just an unlucky kid
who debates whether to live life
or to end it.

I feel like the bad ending of a good movie.
Everyone leaves the theater mad because they want to know what happens next.
But my movie is something different;
there is no sequel or part two. There is no next.
My movie ends.
My movie ends in the middle. Right before the good part happens.
This isn’t a movie about a love story or a movie about a war.
My movie is about a girl,
a girl who grew up with her brain on fire.
Lit with matches held with the hands of inspiration.
The flame grows as time passes. But once the movies at the ******, the flame
it goes out.

I never knew,
I never knew that it would take me 7 months after he left to realize that I miss him.
I never knew how much I love my brother until 7 months after he left for boot camp.
I never knew how much you could miss someone until 7 months and 1 day after he left.
I never knew how time goes so slow until 7 months and 2 days after he left.
I never knew how I could miss the time where he would punch me and call me baby every time I said ow until 7 months and 3 days after he left.
I never knew how I could regret the times I said I hated him over the dumbest things after he left.
I never knew how pain would be the first thing on my mind when I woke after he left.
I never knew that maybe I would never see him again until 7 months and 4 days after he left.
I never knew that I might never get the chance to listen to his terrible irish music and get ice cream with him after he left.
I never knew that it would be weeks until I got to hear his voice.
I never knew that I would look up into the stands and not see him.
I never knew how much it would hurt to not get the chance to hug him after a bad day.
I never knew how much he loved me.
I never knew until now… and now is too late.

I am ugly.
Maybe not in the way the human race perceives the word, but in the way I perceive the word.
I am ugly,
whether that is in the way I smile, look, dress or the way I see the world.
Maybe,
life isn’t about seeing the yourself as beautiful; maybe it’s about seeing yourself
as ugly,
as dull,
as plain,
as unappealing as it is and still, above all of that,
loving everything ugly, dull, plain and unappealing.
I don’t mind being ugly,
because ugly is what I want to be.
You hear someone say the word ugly and you think negatively. Ugly, in my mind, is even better than beautiful.
Everything has beauty, but only real things have flaws.
Being ugly is not about being unappealing to the eye,
but being appealing to the heart.
I embrace the fact that I am and always will be ugly.
I like it that way.
I am full of flaws.
I have crawled my way out of hell and got a little banged up along the way,
whether that is what someone means by the word ugly I am okay with that.
I am banged up.
I am flawed.
I am imperfect, defective, faulty, distorted, inaccurate, incorrect, erroneous, imprecise, fallacious and most of all ugly.
The most shocking part of all of this is that,
you are too.