Now there are all these things,
names,
sounds,
places,
ideas,
that I can't stand
because
they remind me of you.
They haunt me and throw me
into a pit of nostalgic
sadness, and fear
at the notion
you still slip through
the cracks I worked so hard
to seal.
Bringing back pain and anxiety
I thought I was done
having to feel.

The dappled beams that fall through the leaves of a cedar tree.
You are everything to me.
The bright rays that gently seep through my skin to warm my blood.
You are the light of my life.
The soft glow of the moon and the delicate stars, pinpricks of sadness and beauty.
You guide me on my darkest nights.
Through the unknown.
Your luminous eyes, so lucid and ardent, trance me.
I never knew
but I was blind before you.

His heart had been broken
many times
in many ways,
and it had never been set right
before he put the cast on.
She re-shattered it all
so he could put it back together
the right way
this time,
soldered with gold,
and wrapped up
in kevlar.

I will carry this
I will carry it for you
and you
and you
and you.
Pile it on
and when you're gone
I'll  carry it for you
I'll  be here holding on
holding out
for you
and you
and you
and you.
It is heavy
and I may break
but won't ever stop
bearing  this weight.

I left all I had behind
with you.
Moved on
into the wilderness,
exposed to the elements,
detached,
on guard,
starting anew.
But all I had
was everything I was.
So who am I now?
I wish I knew.

Why do I drink?
Is there somthing wrong?
Obviously, its not why you'd think.
Im just living every sad song.
Every loneliness.
Every misjudgment.
Every heartbreak.
Every last moment.
Every fake friend.
Every false love.
Every attempt.
I just pretend,
till the day's done.
Its to fill the empty place in my chest.
To let my guard down,
so I can feel again.
So I can shed tears,
and get seratonin.
See, the bottle is my only true  
  companion,
that sticks by my side when I've been
abandoned.

They told me its gonna get worse
before it gets better.
Im afraid
they are right.
And tonight,
no amount of company,
comedy,
passion,
distraction,
attention,
friends,
family­,
or love
is enough to keep you
from filling every corner of my mind.
Hijacking every thought
and tearing down walls
that kept me safe.

Once again I'm reminded
there's no love like yours,
and it will take
every bit of my will
to keep cement from filling
the torn hole in my chest
and seizing my heart.

This time,
I wont run.
This time,
I'll feel it all
every ounce of pain,
every punch to the gut,
every knife in my back,
in my heart.
I want to remember this.
Brand me.
So I can finally stop
repeating history.

She loves me
She loves me not
She loves me
She loves me not
She loves me
She loves me not
She loves me
She loves me not
She never loved me

Words of the wise.
Be present. Live there.
Love your life,
though life's not fair.
Revel
in spontaneity.
Never dwell
on the memories.
Expel sadness and anxiety.
You should be happy.

Well, I'm living here.
I'm living now.
But presently
Im so alone,
always a boken thing.
Constantly on the brink
of this life,
of falling.
Ceaselessly waiting
to disappear.
Feeling so small,
I'd flit away
on the faintest breeze.
Nothing and no one
to hold me down,
or shed a tear.

These days I'm a ghost,
in flesh,
desperate to feel warmth.
Walking through a world
of things so alive.

Over and over
climbing through
each broken window.
A never ending,
painful experience
with ****** palms.
Leaving little bits behind
on every sill.

Upheaval.
In just a few small moments
everything I thought
about what was right and wrong
necessary and expected
desired and required
topples and crashes down
burning to ashes in a pile
on the ground.
At the forefront of my mind.
I did my duty of love
and what I knew to be true.
But the cycle of violence,
manipulation, and abuse
is what you still choose.
I will not be pulled into
these emotional, horrible, perpetual games.
So don't invite me to them.
Don't come to me with questions
when you will not heed the answers.
Don't present me problems
if you don't wish them solved.
I am human too and my peace is all I have.

And there is nothing between us
that isnt shared with the masses.
Nohing that is only ours,
that has no strings attached
for you always play for yourself.
This isnt a team
its a dream
that I would find someone
who loves me
despite what I had
despite what materials
I could and would give
just to see you smile.
But I deserve  
a fair exchange
of effort, commitment,
and time.
It scares me that I'm
the only one trying and crying
over you.

Who am I?

Just a man
with needs, desires,
and compassionate pespective.
A world of perception,
logical, reasonable, sentimental,
and real.
Plotted by ever changing maps,
lifes course.
Yearning for point and purpose.
Striving to make desicions
that do right by everything
and everyone around, regardless
the reprimand, loss of face,
consequences, physical
or mortal.

No fear of any god.
I am my own.
I am full of fault.
I am full of pain.
I am full of thought.
I am full of the same
as everyone else.
I am full of love.

This is who I am.

A noose holds a candle
burning at both ends.
A dead man holds
his dagger pierced heart.
Offering it to her.
Giving,
giving,
giving,
and they keep
taking,
taking,
taking.
There's nothing left.
Never again.

When I dream of the perfect girl,
I dont see her at all.
My eyes are closed.
I only hear her voice
and feel her embrace.

I didnt plan on writing this.
I wanted to diversify.
You said write from the heart.
Well all that's in there is you.
I used to be hopeless,
terminal,
empty.
Now I'm full
of your love,
of all our moments together,
of the future I see.
You awaken something in me.
A part of me.
The best part.
And its you.

Choose him
Choose them
Paint me a villain
A wolf
**** my butterflies,
Turned to stones,
and kick me
when I'm down
let me drown
in introversion.
Dont worry,
I always break my own heart
anyway.

I need to go,
just disappear.
Im leaving
to a place of no fear
no memories,
asphyxiation,
or tears.
I may be gone for quite some time,
a couple weeks,
or months,
a year?

When I get back,
with my heart whole,
scars faded
new and old,
I'll smile again.
I'll laugh, and say
"I love you"
to someone new
whom I have come to know.

Kissing wounds,
I'll stop the bleeding.
Sooth your pain.
I'll stay
as long as you desire.
Keeping the cuts clean.
When you heal,
please,
oh please,
dont rip me off.

Every night I look up
at the moon,
the stars,
the spaces between,
and I know
you're not thinking about me,
not even a little bit.

I flew up to Chicago
for you.
I needed to see you
hear you
share your air.
I hoped to fall
in love
with you
while there.
Old friend.

But instead
I found a city of dreams,
lovers,
fidelity.
I held on to my hat and my chest
as the windy city swept me off my feet.
As I wished you'd let me sweep you off yours.
I tasted the heart of the town
heard its song,
was dazzled
by its waters, lights, people.
You belong here.
In this place
away from me, but forever in my memories.
I cant forget you
I've tried to
For so long.
But we are better off
apart.
As friends.
It hurts but its true.
I could never satisfy you
in this place.
I wish you the best,
Chicago is where I'll put us
to rest.

I said I love you
The silence resounds so loud
I cant hear my heart

These days,
being in a better place
means having suicidal thoughts.

The call at 2am.
Hairs stood on end.
The butterflies that fall
dead like stones
in the pit of your stomach.
Cold sweat.
The hot shower
can't dispell the chill in your bones.
You freeze,
breaths like a gale in your ears,
while your heart's sporadic pounding
tells you you're running.
Run.    Run.    Run.   Run.   Run.

Run.

Back I go
To average Joe
Someone I haven't been
for longer than I can remember
someone I'm terrified of,
someone who kept me up late,
and woke me an hour later,
put me on the chopping block,
put me in a room with all the doors locked,
turned me to stone,
gave me nightmares so that I could atone
for existing.
And if I go to sleep
and don't wake up
then Id just be
an average joe.

Its a difference of morality.
You value what you can take
from them.
I value humans
equally.
They're people,
not a means to an end.
Show me true intentions,
stop playing a friend.
You're plastic.
You're silicone.
You're false.
Deceitful
to the bone.

Still, even though
you're lying to us
I know
you're climbing a ladder,
and still deserve love.
Go find it
elsewhere.

Built into a dream,
seen through a drunken veil.
Please don't delude yourself.
I am so very unremarkable ,
and many parts below.
Don't let a lack of love
convince you I am a rarity.
You deserve far more than I can give.
My shattered pieces
fit together in strange ways
that you adore,
and I abhor.

I hope you're happy
with convenience.
I hope swapping love for proximity
works out for you.
I hope the shallow seeds you sow
blossom for a day,
or just a night,
like you like.
I hope its enough for you
the short lived trysts
you'd trade forever for.

These days
my shadow has sharper edges
than my thoughts.
But my thousand-yard stare
pierces the horizon.

The endless search
for what we're missing
in life.
Never feeling whole.
Like we can't start living till we find that piece of our puzzle.
In a world of people so complete.
Being so fractured,
so tortured
ensuing insecurity,
hating ourselves.
Frustration.
Anxiety at war with reason.
How can we love,
with everything we are,
if we're not all there.

Maybe you are my missing piece.
Maybe you will help me to start
living.
I just gotta be
all in.

I cant believe
it took so long to see
you were no good for me.
When all this time
dishonesty was all
you were willing to give.
As I went all in,
you were falling
out of love.

To you, I was a means
to an end.
I gave everything,
for nothing but wasted time.
Wasted seconds,
hours, months, moments.
Holding on
to the faintest flicker of happiness.
An addiction.
Well, I need a detox.

You can keep the rest but im taking my heart back.

The ledge can't be comprehended
by those who haven't been to it.
A rush of adrenaline,
pulsing through veins,
and a heart
that races to fit a lifetime of beats into final moments.
Primal, the body yearns to be preserved and is not concerned with the frantic panic, the ecstatic high in a suffocating mind. The end stares into you, freezes you, and you must accept your mortality, the scarcity of life, your insignificance.
One day, hour, minute away from ***** failure,
becoming so intune
with all elements that keep you in existence.
Feeling your life fading,
a sun set.
It is easy to go,
but so so hard to stay,
to survive.

The people,
places,
words,
and images,
that force salt water from my eyes.
They are what I live for.
The physical evidence
that I can feel again,
that there is a deep well in me,
and a connection to the depth
in those around me.
A reminder that we are alive,
in a world of the most breath taking beauty,
and the most heartbreaking sadness.