If I could just wipe your memories clean
Maybe I could return to whom I'd been
Before you came and destroyed what I'd known
Before my life sang this... autumnal tone
In a world of summer tunes and spring
I long to remember my favorite things.
Must the dog bite, or the bee sting, to feel?
Emotion seems to have lost its appeal.
If I ask nicely, would you end your stay,
Leave my heart and brain, or live far away?
I don't think I can bear you being here
Holding me captive, bound to so much fear.
How difficult it is, to let you go
Trapped with the thoughts of a dead tomorrow.
Will you agree to help me forget you?
My soul is tired, I want to start anew.

If my life were a book, written in ink,
It would tell a tale brought back from the brink
With sentences well constructed with rhyme,
Of inkblots made by wasting precious time,
Of full-stops, colons, and commas galore,
Filled with desire to learn, and explore,
Aging sheets of regret pondering the past,
Some wondering how long the story will last.
Only Death takes away this humble pen
It's just a small matter of how and when-
This book may never be a bestseller
But it will be honest- a truth-teller
That's unfinished and revised endlessly,
Until it joins the pages of history.

Where do you find courage in the land of fear,
Is it a treasure, hidden at the end of a rainbow,
That appears when the sun rises in the west,
Where the rain falls upward, instead of below?
I'm told to climb mountains that are molehills,
Yet I'm not told which ones are deceptive,
I'm told to look for mines when the land is clear,
I fail, but I'm trying to be perceptive.
I meet people whom I can't help but trust,
They lead me through valleys and rivers of glass,
When the time comes that I need to reflect,
Their illusions shatter, and I fight to pass.
If there's a day that I learn to be brave,
When I'm not defeated by my heart and mind,
If I get a chance to help someone else
I hope I don't ever forget to be kind.

What if I'm shaped like a square
When the world is made of circles?
Should I smooth my sharp corners,
Or should I just add more edges?
Where do I learn to conform,
To fit in spaces that aren't for me?
Should I change to fit the norm,
Or create another, entirely?
How do I choose parts of myself
To keep, to let go, to borrow?
Can I retain my identity,
While evolving past tomorrow?

I'd like to create words with sunshine,
But it seems like they're filled with rain,
Storms, lashing across a piece of paper,
Lightning on a screen, shocking a reader
Thundering in emotion, their sounds unheard,
I'd wish for them to be simple and clear,
Concise, apt, optimistic, perhaps even brave,
All I can come up with are anxious refrains,
Maybe something's truly wrong with my brain?
Truth be told, I would rather not lie,
When there are things I don't know how to say,
When I struggle where others seem to thrive,
Writing helps me be glad to be alive.
If these are the words that leave me today,
I'll accept them, for I am glad they exist,
When the world leaves me broken, feeling small,
I'd rather have some words, than none at all.

Maybe the way I think is wrong,
Maybe I'm an affront to nature,
Maybe my mind wasn't meant to be,
Maybe I'm an impossible creature.

Yet

Does this make me any less valid?
Does this make me unworthy?
Maybe I don't ever make sense..
Nevertheless, it would be nice.. to be heard.

It's designed for another kind of person,
Perhaps one much stronger than us all,
Who can do everything with finesse and poise,
Who bears their burdens with grace, with no noise.

In the end,

Maybe I don't want to break the glass,
Maybe I just want to prove to the world,
That I was not made to be a waste of space,
That I could reach the ceiling in the first place.

There are so many times I'd like to be brave
Times I should fight, but instead, I cave
There are so many things that I should know,
Truths that I'm told would make me grow,
There are lives I wish I'd lived to learn everything,
Maybe then I'd see the true nature of being.
It doesn't make sense why I am this way
I can't face the mirror, I'd rather look away
It's strange, being defeated by one's own mind,
Assaulted by thoughts too cruel to be kind,
It's so much easier to hide from it all,
To write from the shadows, not standing tall,
With a voice that's never meant to be heard,
To express reality without saying a word,
Imposing boundaries when they shouldn't exist,
Acting like it's okay, but to quietly resist.
Doing everything one can, just to save face,
Caught between a rock and a hard place.

I'm afraid each time I open the door
The dead eyes staring at me, through my skin
Sneering, laughing, taunting, in my head
They won't ever leave, they lie within
I close the door, trying to escape
Stepping slowly, then quickly, to get away
Running, exhausted, even when I'm lost
Every moment filled with unease, dismay.
(And I try, I try, to reach out, to explain
But it's hard to understand invisible pain.)
Everywhere I go, the demons follow
I was a fool to think I'd outrun them all
Who am I, if I'm nothing without them?
When the end comes, will they stay when I fall?

He's in all the letters I write- and never send
He's in the poems I create- but never share,
He's in every thought, every song- he's 'just a friend'
How I wish he'd know he's in every breath of air.

How wonderful it is to be aflame
I don't long to be brighter than the rest
I wish I could burn of my own free will
But perhaps this time, death is for the best.

If there is a day when I'm set ablaze
For a brief moment I might glow again
I hope I'm remembered as useful fire,
Perhaps my rebirth will not be in vain.

Life gave me a map and said "Follow this track
Work hard and stay focused; Don't ever look back.
Don't worry, I'll keep you safe- I give you my word."
I listened, and agreed, for my vision was blurred.

Little did I know, I was on the wrong trail
Far away from my dreams, I was doomed to fail
I'm looking for signs where they'll never be found
I'm shouting for help... but I can't hear a sound
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere in dread
I thought Life made us strong...it gave me fear instead.

Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."

Oh, dear companion born from a bean!
You are the best thing I've ever seen.
Bitter in nature, with milk you're sweet
Together you make my life complete
Thank you for keeping me sane and strong
For being my rock when the days are long
When sleep arrives, you push it away
That's when I know things will be okay
I wish you could read, and understand
That you spice things up when they get bland
Keeper of my heart, anchor of my mind
Know that you truly are, one of a kind.

Here's to the words of the decade
The ones filled with hope, and longing
Those written dreaming of better times
Wishing for a sense of belonging.

Here's to the words of tragedy
Those wept out by heartfelt despair
The ones unread, beacons of shame
Yearning to be seen, and know who'd care.

Here's to the words that are neutral
Conveying little to no emotion
They matter, just like all the rest,
Setting whole worlds into motion.

Here's to the words that will be made,
From obstacles to be withstood
In seasons of unknown fortune,
May they reach us, and be understood.

I once replaced every part of me
With robust designs that shined from within
Strong, efficient, I could run forever,
I had everything I needed, built-in.

I had nothing to be changed or improved,
I was a perpetual motion machine
With no ties to an inferior past
Cast away from memory, as though unseen.

Yet sometimes, in the shadow of the day,
When I feel a distant ache long denied,
Forgotten wounds of what used to be,
I wonder who I really am, inside.

I see you in the mirror, I don't know who you are
I try to leave, but you're with me everywhere I go
You try to undo everything I do well,
I hate you holding me back, I can't go with the flow,
I don't know where you came from, if I made you that way
You're all that I think I'm not, yet you show up somehow
How did I not sense you forming before my eyes,
I don't think I've ever looked clearly before now,
I wish you wouldn't exist, so I could just be me,
To live for a while without you dragging me down,
I'd carve up a reflection, so I like what I see,
I'd learn to swim properly, so I would never drown.
I know that's something the universe won't allow,
I've got to learn to live with you by my side,
I hope I grow to accept you no matter what,
I hope I grow to love who you are, inside.

How magnificent she must be
If she could capture his fancy.
How insignificant I am
If he won't even give a ****.

I'd hide my words away if I could,
In a secret lair no one will ever find,
With shame leading the writers' crusade,
And envy at the helm behind acting kind.
It doesn't make sense to feel this way
Blamed for thoughts you cannot control,
Emotion must have its voice stolen away
If left free, it will take its toll
Exposed, one watches, stuck, paralyzed
As it reigns hell on all who bear witness
In the battlefield between wrong and right,

My life is a thunderstorm
That I watch, powerless, in vain
As it destroys flowers of hope
With every barrage of rain.

Here's a bit of light
In your darkest hour
You can get out of this
You can do more than cower.
I'm with you, always
Rise up from your knees
Find your way out of the tunnel
Dance along that breeze.
You may not know the steps
You may not hear the song
But your twirl is your own
You are forever strong.

I'm on the brink of running away,
At a clifftop, staring at the sea
It looks so tempting, to let it all go
To finally live in ecstasy...

But if there's a chance I can fight today
If it's possible I can be fearless
Maybe I'll turn this from a tale of Woe
To one of Triumph from utmost distress.

I'm the lone cloud on a summer's day
So many beg me to go away
Yet I stay on for the prayers of pain
For those longing for a bit of rain.

I can't look at the sky anymore
It reminds me that I've failed to explore
What it means to reach so far up high
No matter how much, how hard I try
I'll never design the wings of a plane
Or find its material stress and strain
I'll never make a rocket land or rise
Mapping out exactly how it flies.
I'm told I overthink, that it's "just dreams"
"They're just delayed, it's not what it seems"
I've tried to believe, but it hurts inside
I guess they're not late, they've been denied.
No one knows what's really going on
But I'll apply and work till my strength is gone.
Will there be an answer? I don't know
I wish time would speed up, it's just so slow.

I laid my heart out on a plate
Served it with my soul on the side
After an internal debate
The world moved on, my dreams denied.

What's missing?- The look, the flavor?
What should I change, so it will see?
Will I ever earn its favor?
Or will it just be fantasy?

If I could let everyone know
All the death I feel inside
Revealing when I feel low
I don't know if they'd be surprised
Maybe they saw, and did not ask
Maybe they knew, and kept away
I don't know which I would prefer...
I'd like a 'How are you today?'

I have a set of bespoke masks
For each and every person I know
Depending on what is asked
They'll see what I'm willing to show
If, one day, I lose my disguise
The world wouldn't handle it well
So I keep it safe, within my reach
Tailored to visions I need to sell.
Why do we put up these charades?
Forlorn souls, trying to find our place
If we can't be ourselves, we pretend
To be who we're not, just to save face.
It doesn't, it doesn't have to be this way
If I could change the world, I'd decree
That the veils come off, so people learn
To be true, themselves, finally free.

I've been wounded my entire life
I'm bleeding, but I hold the knife.
I need to stop- I forgot how to feel
Perhaps I don't believe I'll ever heal.

It's a beautiful, sunny day outside
And I wish it could seep into my soul
It needs to breathe, away from the darkness
That wonders why it can never feel whole
Is there some point to hustling with a dream?
Do passion and hard work make a difference?
Why does life give hope....then ****** it away?
When will everything start making sense?

I'm searching for something I cannot understand
Is it connection? Is it purpose? Is it a sense of belonging?
If only I knew... I'd chase it better.

Who would love a person
Held hostage by demons
That demand a ransom so steep-
Every breath, every thought, every step?
Who could love someone like that
Knowing they will be dragged down?
Would they choose love over a life?
Choosing ******* over freedom?

A mere phantom of life
Silent and miserable
Waves as people walk by,
Yells 'I'm here, invisible!'

It doesn't know they don't see
It doesn't know they can't hear
It shouts till its throat is sore,
Then finds solace in fear.

"Conceal, don't feel, keep it in"
"Hide", they all seem to say,
Aching behind pride in pain
Lost, trying to find their way.

Will they ever listen?
Will they stop to understand?
Will anyone look further
Maybe even lend a hand?

Time flies so fast,
That I'm stuck,
Paralyzed
Watching
As my words
Drift away....
As I fade...

Into..

Nothing.

Three years ago, I experienced a drought
Filled with hatred, anxiety and self-doubt.
From the lush crop of innocence and joy
I became a dead shoot, pillaged and destroyed.
Demons attached to my thick skin, I roam
Not recognizing what used to be home
Tense to the bone, crippled,followed by fear
An amnesiac that forgot what once was dear.
When will they leave- the wraiths who robbed my soul?
Am I to remain this...decrepit ghoul?
Defunct creature that refuses to grow
Unable to apply the things she knows
Who steps forward in time to see square one
Who disdains the very idea of fun
Three years it has been, how long will it be
Before there's some light in this cursed Destiny?

Change is a wild dog that can't be tamed
One that will always test your patience
One that refuses to sit in silence
That doesn't respond when you call its name.

But it will watch as you transform, with pride
Living forever, challenging your ways
It will stay for the rest of your days
You're never alone with Change at your side.

I'm a strange mixture of yin and yang
With light struggling to be seen, to be heard
Pleading, in anguish, to the darkness
"Don't put me out, let me say a word!
Let's make a deal with terms for us both
I want to live, let me heal, to be free
I'll respect your space, I'll leave you alone
Don't let us become what we used to be".

When it rains and pours outside
It feels like maybe, just maybe
The universe sheds tears for you
When you can't cry for yourself

When I found you again, after years
My body felt alive, with you so near
My heart, unsure, skips a beat, hesitating
It almost moved on, it was tired of waiting.
Yet it remembers to falter for you
Muscle memory remains as good as new.
But I know, in my soul, within my mind
That you're not with me, I can be so blind
That all your tunes, you always sing for her
That your beautiful words, they are for her...

And as I listen, I can't help but wonder,
'Am I worthy?
Will I be worthy of those words someday?
If not from you, from someone else?
But can anyone ever really match up to you?'

Strangled to death
By a noose of intricate lies
That used to keep me alive.

Searching for air
Gasping, choking
Unable to breathe
In the face of glaring defeat
Overwhelmed by thoughts
Wanting to give up
Wanting to fight more
A mess of contradictions
Looking for answers
Trying to ask the right questions
Trying not to shy away
Trying to stay strong
Trying to find the right words
Trying not to be contrived
I'm trying
Trying
Trying.

Looking at a future that seems so grey
It's like all the colors have gone away
With emotion locked in an airtight chest,
So what remains is void, in quiet unrest
With tears to be occasional company,
Rampant thoughts form a soundless symphony.
Staring into space, people come and go-
The world is fast, yet in some ways, so slow.
There is no end to this chaos in sight,
The line further blurred between wrong and right.
Does it matter that these words are read?
Perhaps they should be hopeful instead
Pretending that everything will be fine
A noose of lies tightening with each headline.
Thus one plays the elusive waiting game,
Knowing that nothing will ever be the same.

Give me another sign
If you've seen the future
Illuminated by morning light
I am a lowly creature.
I'd pray without tears of fear
I'd pray with a smile on my face
I wish I could pretend to you
But I vow to cry in disgrace
So only you shall fully know
What I truly feel inside
My fears, loves of the unknown
Chinks in armor I wear with pride.
I'm living on a prayer
To keep an ounce of trust
That the world will right itself
That I will not combust.

It may seem hard, and even impossible at first, and you don't know if there will be an end to this pain. And it IS hard, difficult, frustrating and annoying. That's how you know the path is worth travelling. But the only way you find out whether you heal, is by trying. By trying, failing, giving up, and trying again. By taking that first, second, fourteenth or hundredth step. By giving it your all. If getting through this is important to you, some way, some day, you can do this. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know you can. You are good, and worth having in this world- it will not be the same without you. No matter how strongly you feel otherwise- there are people out there who love you and have been illuminated by your light- not because it shined any brighter or differently- but because it was there, and it made a difference. It doesn't matter if they know or realize that. You need to know that. You make a difference, by being here. Those fears and demons in your head- they are there to remind you that there is good worth fighting for, and that there is a heaven, a paradise that you need to get to through them. You deserve a life without the trauma, without the past ruling you. Listen, let them be- but don't let them consume you. They are not you- they are remnants of a forgotten time, a forgotten self, a past self, habits and routines that need to be forgotten. And in time, through hard work, they will lose their hold, and you will have new habits, routines, people, a new you to rely on. Believe in that. You are whole, no matter how broken you may feel right now. You are whole.

All I want
Is to sleep away
The nightmare
Of reality.

Little match girl
Standing on a sidewalk
Seeing a world move on
You know you will be gone
Will anyone remember
Your words forged by pain,
Aching to be read,
Your tunes searching for hope,
Pleading to be heard,
Your voice, weak, feeble,
But unlike any other?
There wasn't time
To get through fear
To show them who you are
Alas, you lie, awake
Buried in books
Waiting for your last breath
Listening to this elegy
Was life worth it?
Are you proud
Of who you have become?
Could you have done better
If you had more time?

I wish I could tear off every piece of me
Change my form fundamentally, from within
I wish I could build myself, careful, slowly,
Choosing the bones, joining muscles, sinew, skin
Maybe then I'll feel strong, like I'm capable of more
Maybe I'll feel okay about my reflection
Perhaps I'll hope, in ways I didn't, before
Perhaps I'll have control of life's direction.

I'm a poem from an unknown poet
Written to be broken and crude
A rough draft misplaced, without thought
One that's easily misconstrued.

All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
Acting to the best of their ability
As they pretend, pretend, pretend
That everything's fine, that it always will be
Through tempests of unrelenting storms
Because the show must, it must go on.
Whatever would happen
If it had to stop?
The theatre crumbling out of existence?
What would they do, who would they be,
Where would they go
If they could not act anymore?

Terrified of my own instincts
I lie awake, staring at the night
Frozen, unsure, whether to start or stop
To wake or to succumb, to disappear
In this coffin, I lie, within my grave
But I hold the shovel
Can I dig myself out?
Or do I shut myself in?