I heard the door shut before it opened,
Predicted the outcome,
saw the future.
Call it what you will,
but it goes by the name of destiny.
The fact that you and I were destined for an end.

i am just a lost soul
searching
for meaning
waiting
to be set free
*aren't we all?

our lives are all lotteries.
a game of chance,
at best.
we have all succumbed to it,
gambled our freewill away.
to those who haven't,
who are still unchained,
it calls
sit down at the table,
let me deal you a hand
read the fine print
young man,
for once you sit,
you may never leave

*******,
and you inability to love me.
*******,
and how you've never supported me.
*******,
and your words that cut me.
*******,
and your dead heart that beats me.
*******,
and your traps that trap me.
*******,
and the love you denied me.

But **** me,
For believing you,
For loving you,
For letting you in,
and giving you chances.
Yes, **** me, and my
Stupidity

I am 1,000 pounds,
weighed down by memories,
by crushing defeat,
by failure,
by loss,
by regret...
yet I am weightless,
empty,
a trophy in a dusty case,
my varnish dim,
no longer new,
no longer shiny,
I struggle to stay afloat,
but I am still swimming,
because I see the lighthouse,
tall and shining.
a gleam of light beckoning from it's highest point,
come to me
swim to me
I am the way out
and so I tread.

I feel it creeping through me,
the sudden urge to scream
to cry out...
but who will listen?
So i write
i type
i let it pour out of me
onto the blank white abyss before me,
that no one will see
because i am alone
struggling to find meaning,
searching for answers,
grasping anything in reach.
But i still fall,
and i am nothing.
left alone to think,
think the never ending thoughts that consume me.

close the distance,
pull me close,
i am counting on you,
putting my faith in you,
one last time,
spread my arms,
and i jump,
i am falling,
again, head over heels,
love me
hold me
trust me
be with me
I love you.

Your love enveloped me
in a suffocating embrace,
it terrified me,
i couldn't believe someone could love me,
as you did,
the distance threatened me,
it tapped my shoulder,
told me to escape,
so I listened
But it was wrong,
or so i thought,
I could've done it,
but you were already gone,
the distance overtook you,
intoxicated you with freedom,
filled you with independence,
and you are gone.
I am the one left wondering,
what switch was flipped?
What part snapped?
I will never know,
if it was her who entranced you,
or I who drove you away...
but you are gone,
and so am I,
and I will be okay.

I can only imagine what it feels like to be loved by you.
What your lips feel like pressed against mine.
To feel my hand intertwined with yours,
When our eyes meet,  
And my heart stops,
Until next time, *my love

How do I fix this?
The shattered remains of an imperfect relationship?
Tell me what tools to use,
I will work for hours,
Rebuild those walls that enclosed us,
My hands will bleed,
My body will sweat,
But it will be worth it in the end,
Because I will have you again.

it numbs my chest,
burns in my heart.
how will i succeed?
what if i don't?
I crave you,
with every part of my being,
my mind,
a projector of memories,
my heart,
waiting to be filled by your love,
an empty cup.
i am a beggar at your door,
old and worn,
weathered from the storm,
but hear me,
see me,
love me
please,
do not shut the door.

i will wait,
i will fight,
but i will not let go,
i can't.
for i love you too deeply,
i love you too much,
scare me,
hurt me,
break me,
lose me,
i am still here,
loving you the same.

it overtook me
like a wave
washing away my fears
my anger.
i felt nothing,
nothing but calm
still
silent.

i am alone,
but i do not fear loneliness,
for peace is with me,
covering my scars,
shutting my eyes,
and holding me close.

i am alone,
yet i am surrounded
comforted,
peace

I will be free
I will fly away,
beyond the limits of "forbidden" and "can't"
surpass the highest hopes of the future,
my past behind me,
moving *forward

i have given into the sadness,
let the feelings take over.
i will not fight,
i will not win,
i will sit here in my sadness,
let the grief wash over me,
until there is no more.

blood stained arms,
swollen face,
red rimmed eyes.
The blood flows freely from where the blade gashed my flesh.
Slacker
cut
Not good enough
slash
Worthless
a new slice appears.
Each with red, ruby red, emerging from the depths of my sorrow.
Each word rips into me,
and I carve,
carve the image i want to be,
carve the pain i long to be free from.
The crimson stains my skin,
giving each laceration a halo of red.

Your absence is like a bed of sharp nails,
Puncturing every inch of raw skin.
What is grief?
A theif which steals my time,
Emotions,
Energy,
Encompasses me in a void,
With you reverberating in the darkness,
Your name,
Your memories,
Your everything,
Tangled up and thrown at me,
All at once,
with the force of a lifetime
Taking my breath away.
I claw to the surface,
Let me breathe,
Let me live.
It has surrounded me,
And I have surrendered.
I will miss you,
I will *grieve

When I imigine it,
it's a soft chill,
which cools my body.
I don't hear your voice
nagging
cutting
bashing.
I hear the freedom,
resounding in my head,
you are free
you are free
You are at peace

Away I will go,
from the places which burned me,
far from the places which haunt me,
Free from the arms which bind me.

You are not there.
You speak no sound.
You are not alive,
yet you are not dead.
But you are lifeless,
And I am at peace.

I used to type,
freely,
without hesitation.
But you stopped me...
You burned me,
abused me with your savage neglect.
Now I pause,
Hesitate,
Re type,
Reword,
My words are broken-
meaningless and empty...
searching the void of memories,
yelling at nothing,
accomplishing nothing,
nothing,
but a blank space

"How was your day?" you never asked
terrible , I never said,
why don't you love me? I never asked
"I love you", you never said

He wrote me poems,
his heart on a page
filled with black
covered in syllables longing to reach me.
My heart was open,
raw and forced,
by the claws of heartache.
His words felt like liquor,
stinging the scrapes,
then numbing my heart,
drunk in the peacefulness of comfort.

He wrote me poems,
but I could not read them.
My mind was elsewhere,
lost in the memories and the hope for a tomorrow,
and
I slipped away,
broke his heart,
the page went blank.

He doesn't write me poems,
but this one is for him.
For every leaf that falls,
I think of him,
every snow that dusts the grass,
I remember him.
I will write him poetry,
to cover up the guilt I feel.
I hope he reads this,
to not understand
the enigma of love
friendship
hope
*im sorry

you've become diluted.
What was once a strong,
poignant love,
has become watered down.
I used to be drunk,
saturated in your devotion,
it was everything i needed,
my nourishment,
my life line.
Then it was cut,
ties were severed,
and you were gone,
slipped from my grasp,
only memories were left to light the darkness that filled me.

Your loved entranced me,
filled me with ecstasy,
your leaving extinguished me,
crushed my faith
obliterated my hope.
but you came back,
and filled me with love,
took my hand and led me out.
Embraced me with your passion,
took my fears away,
close the distance,
this gap between our hearts,
saturate me with your love.

They creep in,
like a haunting breeze,
Goosebumps ***** my skin,
my heart sinks,
it tingles as it slides down,
Past despair,
Past the emptiness,
Past the broken promise,
And broken faith.
Those feelings,
I don't wish to feel,
The hope I wanted to have,
The few shreds of faith I cling to,
My dreams,
The future,
I hope
Oh how I hope,
And long,
Long to be a priority...
My heart aches for a free soul.
Lost in the journey of freedom,
Overtaken by the intoxication of new.
I wait though it kills me,
Burns my eyes, and slashes my heart,
Love though it kills me,
My desire for you crushes me,
Leaves me alone at night,
Holding only my dreams and a tear stained pillow.
All I wanted was your love,
Your attention,
You affection.
Give me love,
Or set me free...
Don't let me wait,
**** me now,
Not slowly.

The promises you made,
the apologies that meant nothing.
The "love" which fell away,
faster than I could fathom goodbye.
Betrayal and lies are all that remain,
The bitter after taste
of a sweet love run dry.
Our cup is empty,
left with only the foam of memories,
hardly covering the depth of time.
You, my love, are gone.
thinking that you're the victor,
believing you beat me at the game of love,
but here I stand sober,
while you down another glass.
A glass of heartache,
of regret,
of loss,
Yet I am *sober

You filled me with warmth,
wrapped me in you arms,
kissed me too hard,
loved me too deeply.
We laughed together,
the sweet bliss of ignorant love.
But it was not real.
We woke up empty handed and confused.
The love was a lie,
and the lie was a dream,
and the dream was lost.

We are trapped,
only able to see love,
imagine love.
our senses constricted.
I cannot see you,
only your image,
distorted by the miles between us.
I cannot hear you,
only the deceiving voice pretending to be yours.
and worst of all,
I cannot touch you,
only the screens that separate us,
thin layers to cover up the distance between us.

There you stand.
Just a foot from me,
Your eyes say you want me,
But your body doesn't move.
You walk away and so do I,
And I don't look back,
but I know you're looking over your shoulder, watching me leave.
Convincing yourself this is what you want.
I want to turn around.
Run to you and kiss you,
and yell at you to want me too.
To want me as bad as your eyes say you do.
To love me with force
And to not be afraid.
But I am fearless.
And you are determined to be alone.

My heart pounds to the echo of your name,
my breath even with yours,
you are mine,
and i am yours,
unbreakable
untouchable
our bodies intertwined,
and for a moment,
we are *infinite

this is not about you.
i refuse to miss you,
let this break me,
let myself love you.
i will not hope for you to come back to me,
i won't remember the way we used to be,
i won't think about how i used to fill my days with you,
how each hour spent with you was never enough for me.
but more importantly,
i won't think about how you don't miss me,
how i am the last thing on your mind,
and how you will never realize how much i cared.
this will not plague my mind
and cloud my dreams,
i will not think about you,
*i will not love you

Oh you silly fool,
thinking that love could save you from despair,
from darkness.
You see I am the one that controls you,
You silly fool,
Thinking you could escape me,
my emotions bind you,
my power will rule you,
There is no way out,
For I am *eternal

Sometimes, it’s impossible to explain your feelings, or even to put them to words. Sometimes, even I don’t know where to begin,The happy, bubbly, enthusiastic me, can’t express my true feelings. And I guess there is a reason behind that. It’s not that I can’t...It’s that I choose not to. I would rather wear the “happy” mask an attend a life-long masquerade, then share my true feelings. The dark feelings. The ones that hold so much truth, sometimes, it hurts. The emptiness hurts the worst. That clique feeling of being in a crowded room and feeling..nothing..empty...alone. You question yourself. Why am I alone? But you can only come up with answers that you don’t want to hear. You tell yourself you’re unworthy, a bad friend, you have too many emotions. You want to scream stop. Stop torturing me! But you realize, its you. It’s always been you. Tearing yourself down, isolating yourself. What’s wrong with me? Am I sick? Why can’t I just be happy? But questioning makes it worse because eventually you get to the question you hope to never answer. Why am I here? ….Those are the darkest days. And true there is sometimes a brief flicker of light and hope, amidst the cloudy feeling normally looming in my head. I choose to live for the light. I choose to live because I can’t let this...disease defeat me. I have lost enough to know that I am not willing to lose control of my life. MY life. I’ve decided that I’m not hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of this disease? hide it from people? This will not defeat me. This will. not. defeat me, because there is hope, and the hope is the light that guides others away from darkness, and if I can be that light for others, maybe one day I will see the light, and someday I’ll be free from the command of depression.

I took a chance
you let me fall.
I let you in
you destroyed my walls.
I loved you once
you wore me thin.
You won my heart,
but lost the game.

He steps back,
His heel knocking the bottle,
It wobbles,
And tumbles over.
He does not turn around,
He does not notice.
So it lays there.
Spilling it's contents,
Until it is empty,
No one picks it up,
Sets it right again,
It is empty.
No one will drink from it again,
Because it is contaminated,
Touches the ground,
Left behind.

But I say love those who have felt
Crushing pain,
Agonizing desire,
And utter defeat.
Pick up the fallen,
Because they have lived the most,
They will know how to love,
They will know how to thrive.
After all,
Survival of the fittest,
Is it not?

You knew I needed you,
you chose not to care.
You knew I was breaking,
you chose to ignore it,
sip a beer,
have a laugh,
avoid caring...
while I drown,
while I suffocate,
spinning into a bottomless void,
of light and dark,
of empty promises,
and broken hope,
into the feelings you never had.

You pledge devotion,
yet you forget to call.
Swear by you love for me,
but you're not all there,
only part way,
when you need me...
for I cannot reach you,
can't even call for you,
I just sit and think,
and cry,
and break.

Tomorrow we will wake up,
in two different worlds.
You with a hangover,
and me with a swollen face.
You naive and giddy,
and me,
weighed down with my heavy heart,
unable to feel anything else.

Please understand my love,
I cannot stay here,
I cannot die here.
I cannot be here.

You touch my body,
your beautiful hands caress my skin.
Your touch as light as feathers,
yet somehow penetrates my whole existence.
Your touch echoes through me.
I need it.
I crave it.

i watch the liquid crimson surface on my skin,
emerge from the depths of my being,
away it falls from me,
the stinging sensation filling me,
with joy?
no
with release.
with the freedom to control me.
the swift motion of the blade,
is me,
not her,
not him,
not them.
me
I decide my fate.

I crave independence,
desire freedom
but I am trapped,
forced to watch
from this cell that holds me,
extinguishing flames of the hopes of freedom.

turn back the clock.
erase time
memories
hurt
loss
love
anxiety
everything.
all of the above.
all except you,
and me,
i would do it for you,
i will do it for you.
i have no option to love you,
no choice to feel this pull to be with you,
so i fall.

you don't get to soar,
while i fall,
into myself,
and collapse.
you can't feel happiness,
because I can't.

only..you can...you will..and you are.

you push me
you shove me,
past my breaking point.
until i hear the snap in my mind
feel the knives in my heart
feel the anger rip through me
and pour out of my eyes
leaving a trail of salt tears.
I loathe you
I fear you,
and you rage on.
making me bleed,
making me ache.
until i am gone
empty.
you have taken everything,
and given me nothing,
i am powerless.
*i am nothing

It washes over me,
like a cool fall breeze,
a breath of fresh air,
and I am free.
I no longer feel tethered to you,
caged in my love for you,
I am okay
I am happy,
because he makes me smile,
because I can smile.

Why did I love you?
when all you did was make me hurt?
Make me cry?
He makes me laugh.
He lightens my heart.
You weighed me down,
but not anymore.
You left me
empty,
or so I thought,
but now I am full
of laughter,
of happiness,
of peace.

You don't control me,
you never will,
you chose your path,
and I can choose mine,
and I choose to live for me,
not for him,
and certainly not for you,
for myself.
I choose to leave you,
I choose to give up on you,
and that my friend,
*has set me free

My words will drift away,
melt into the comfort of happiness,
coat the silence that slips across the span of nothingness.
I won't return,
and you will not wait.
take his hand,
they beckon,
I do.
I watch you fade as he leads me away,
no sound,
not a noise,
And I am gone.