i want a way out,
to escape the invisible scars.
how do you show them?
how do you prove them?
who would believe you?
a mother does not love her child?
impossible!
well i say,
its possible.

And I looked at his face,
his perfectly scruffy face,
and I knew I was in love with him.
It was 3:06am and I was in love with him.
I was in love with the boy who doesn't believe in love.
But at 3:06am I realized that I would be okay, because I would always love him.
The kind of love that warms your insides,
not the stupid butterfly **** you see in the movies.
The love that fills you with so much warmth you boil over with happiness.

At 3:06am, I was the happiest I had been that day,
because I was with him.
I ended my day with happiness, and started a new one with happiness,
and I knew it was okay to keep that a secret, because in that moment, happiness meant more than my undying love for him.

Numb the pain,
dry your tears,
hide the loss,
bury the broken promises.
Conceal your face among those who wander,
lost,
searching for meaning,
from a cure from the emptiness.

I feel myself letting go of your hand,
The one I've known for so long.
Leaving the tight embrace that held me.
And I go,
Alone,
To find meaning,
The truth,
And somehow,
I am okay

When i meant more than sleep,
when you kissed my lips too hard,
when you loved me too deeply,
and held me in your gaze too long,
when we weren't miles away,
you filled me with love,
that was when i was happy.
Now i wait for you to call,
wait to see if i will fit in with your day,
wait to see if i am worth it,
if i deserve the love you used to give,
i wait,
i always wait,
stuck in a never ending phase of purgatory,
this unrequited love i feel for you,
barred by distance,
feeling alone,
knowing you're there,
but feeling lonely.
stop this.
stop my heart from breaking,
go back in time,
to when i was happy.

I will not lie,
I still feel the hurt,
Still feel my flesh burn
when I hear her name.
Like a knife to the scars trying to heal,
her name slashes me,
kills me,
defeats me.
And for what?
A two week fling thrown together by mutual heartache?
It pains me still,
wraps me in the embrace of fear,
Of torture.
does he love me?
or is it her?
the voices in my head echo,
across the vast emptiness,
engaging every fear,
triggering every impulse,
making me feel second,
used,
worn,
weathered.

Do you love me?
Should I let myself fall
completely?
Partially?
Do  I even have a choice?

Alone she was left to wander,
To consider the paths she could take,
But there was nothing,
An empty void that once took the form of her hope,
Shattered,
Broken,
Helpless,
Who would hear her cry?
Who would save her from the darkness?
no one they answered,
And the darkness closed in.

i put you through hell,
yet you still love me...
i opened my heart,
and he chose to leave me...
what is the choice?
what is the comparison?

I choose you.

the one who hasn't left,
despite my many flaws,

people always leave,
but then there's you,
waiting,
like the inevitable twilight left over from a sunset,
or a rainbow after a storm,
not summer or winter,
or a new spring day,
you are fall,
my fall.
a brisk season of comfort.
the vibrant change,
from a neon summer,
that seems endless,
with no change,
the muggy presence hangs in the air,
until fall come to refresh it,
a cool breeze to cool the heat,
to change the leaves,
to change *me

i am deleting you from my thoughts,
erasing you from my memory.
removing every piece of you i had,
scattered throughout my world,
a world you never desired to live in.
i am taking steps back,
slowly drifting away,
but your back is turned and you are smiling,
you will not care,
because you will not notice.

The tears fall slowly,
masked behind a smile.
She is screaming on the inside,
Dying on the inside.
Hide the pain
hide the tears,
Don't flinch when the knife hits
Your heart

i tried
to fall again,
to open up,
but i was scared,
so i put up my walls,
enclosed myself in loneliness,
left you on the outside,
forever wondering.
just know i'm on the inside,
still trying to find a way out...
knowing i'll only escape
to no one

my past is marred by your present,
my thoughts forever changed,
what i thought it was,
versus reality.

no one is perfect...
however the one you believe to be
falls so hard,
killing your expectations,
making you doubt yourself...
what is hope when it is lost?
how is it redeemed?
can it be redeemed?

i will not know answers,
to you and me,
or to if and why..
to when and now..
i only know now,
and what i wished never to know.

but we must persevere,
because life has no waiting rooms,
we are forced to move at a fast pace,
with only brief glances behind us,
to wonder,
to grieve,
to learn,
but then we are looking forward again,
into the inevitable void that is the future,
don't look down,
don't look back,
keep moving forward.

and so i wait,
*for my turn to look forward.

I paint a picture in my head.
Of thrashing waters and foaming seas.
But there is hope too,
A man,
Reaching to help me,
Showing the promise of being saved,
But the voices trap me,
They tell me to bring him in too,
And I know I cannot listen,
I must rebel in the only way I know how,
To not listen,
To refuse to listen.
*i will not listen

I do not have all of you,
merely a piece of a complicated puzzle.
The jigsaw of our relationship,
still missing a piece.
You cannot love me as you think you do,
no one can,
that is clear to me.
So I will wait,
for the fog to clear,
for you to see
that I am just temporary,
a girl you use before you find the real thing.
I am just a test,
the pool you dip your toe into,
before diving in headfirst.
I am not that girl.
I will never be that girl.
I am solely temporary.
Forever *temporary

you are not gone.
your life still goes on,
somewhere that's green.
beyond the torment of death
destruction
and lies,
you live.
You live in the light,
where your face is sun kissed,
beautifully illuminated,
perfectly sculpted.

your smile, still bright
your eyes, still shining
your memory, still burned in my mind,
etched in my heart,
forever burning.
Your life inspired me,
filled me with light and hope,
your death crushed me,
the mystery still kills me,
I'll always miss you,
always love you,
you'll be my Romeo forever

You are never home,
only in glimpses,
scarce instances that i live for.
those moments i cherish,
leaving me breathless,
making me certain in love,
but then you are gone.
and i am alone once again,
left to wonder,
were you really there?
or just a figment of my imagination?
like a beautiful dream,
that satisfies the brain
and fulfills the senses,
until morning,
when i awake to reality,
and the bed beside me empty.

A thousand words came to me,
Up from the depth of my heart,
But I stopped myself from saying them.
he won't listen
My thoughts insisted
you still love him
My heart urged,
But I screamed no,
And the words were gone,
The moment lost,
Never to return.

I love you.
I can't explain why
or how
or when I came to this conclusion,
I just love you,
in everything I do,
with every part of me,
with everything I am,
I am in love with you.

look in the mirror,
what do you see?
puffy eyes,
swollen face,
a shell of a girl,
the heart of a girl,
longing to be set free.
the picture of desperation,
clinging to the last bits of hope,
as her heart shatters,
and the blood spills.
there is nothing now...
just the memory of the pain
the abuse,
no happiness,
no light,
just darkness,
eternal darkness.

I had so many dreams about finding love
the glorious feeling of finding real love,
not the shallow kind,
the kind that lasts and never fades
the feeling that is left after the explosive passion has worn off,
so I continue my search
Alone.

If I could fly,
you'd watch me go
I'd escape the chains that tether me,
break the bonds that hold me,
and fly
in my own rhythm,
to my own beat,
where my heart desires,
because *I am free

You think you know me.
you think you can tell me how to feel
how to think
how to live
But you don't control me.
You can't make me love you.
You don't make me who I am,
*I don't need you