every new person I've tried to fall for
every love letter I've tried to write
every mistake in love I've ever made was because I met you.

I had the craziest dream
where in it you said to me
"let's just run away with each other"
it's so crazy because you don't even know I exist
I am nothing but invisible.

Lose me in the depth of your recklessness
Indulge me in the intensity you disseminate

you have in every way
obscured my vision
blocked my path
and diverted my attention
to you

If I mingle myself with nature and become as a tree
Settled but not silent while the wind blows
will you take up the role of the wind that brushes past me and
rattles my branches ?
Would you carefully or forcefully strip me of my leaves until I am bare in front of you?

Your pretty smile
To the pretty shine in your eyes that could light up a whole city
To the pretty thoughts in your mind that escape and breathe fire to my kingdom
To the pretty insight you used to thaw the ice queens castle
To the pretty omnipresence that sang me a silent lullaby allowing the pacification I needed to rest my head every night

You're everything I want but nothing I need
So don’t think I will cry at the thought of losing it
It being your warm hands wrapped around my cold ones
It being the way you wiped away the sadness from my tear ducts
It being the way you made me breathless as you kissed away the words from my lips
It being the way you would draw patterns on my skin leaving a hot trail of your passion on my flesh
It being the way you made the rain go away when I didn’t have an umbrella
It being the way you covered my eyes and I was able walk blindly because I trusted you
I didn’t need to rely on you for those things
I wanted to …..

Everything you say is noisy
Your apologies vibrate through my already aching ear drums
Making my brain cells pulsate at every syllable
So please be quiet
Don’t make a sound
Because every sound you make hurts

the frost made a pretty frosting glaze over the stiff grass
the wind nipped at my warm face and gathered at where my nose met the breeze
my nostrils inhaled the icy air particles
its winter now

your eyes are wild
not everyone could see the crazy in them
the hunger in them
the readiness in them to devour my soul
and the readiness in me to just let you
because you consume my thoughts
you are my only thought

you could run me over with the car which is your words and I would still forgive you
you could leave me, without a trace , come back and cry those fraudulent tears to me and I would still forgive you
one thing I won't forgive is if you peel off the layers of my skin and plunge your claws into my heart and make it bleed
by loving someone else

I can't accept you leaving me
without a heart to fend for myself
leaving me in the wildness that isn't yours

I can tell when your hurting
I already know when your unhappy
this tingly feeling is weirdly unnatural
My heart is jumping too fast and falling even faster

I'm scared of diving head first into heartbreak
plummeting into love movies and sad songs
I'm not ready to drink you away
so please can you stay with me forever ?

Take me across the ocean
Teach me how to swim in your lies

If I pour out my emotions that I've been keeping under wraps for years
it will be as a tsunami engulfing, drowning the depths of your being
as a hurricane does eating up your happiness and spitting it right back at you but in pieces that can't be moulded back together
as a volcano erupting gorging itself on the kingdom with tall walls and soldiers that you built
it will be as an uprooted tree with nowhere to go but to fall to the ground and lay disruptively there
my suppressed, condensed and packaged emotions are just as a natural disaster
you can't predict how much damage it will cause.

Maybe If I write my feelings down and threw them away
they will go away too ? Or maybe be recycled ?
Maybe if I scream how I’m feeling into the atmosphere it will somehow get carried to you
Or evaporate and dance with the water particles

Or maybe I shouldn’t let lingering longing consume me anymore
Maybe I shouldn’t let you play on my mind like a broken record because
time isn't refundable but I guess my heart was

You know I smile because it’s better than crying
It’s better than showing everyone I’m in pain when I’m trying to be strong
But sometimes I can’t help it
Sometimes I still cry because your not here anymore
Because every single thing reminds me of our story
Of what you’ve been through
and what I've lost
And I wish I could have taken away some of the pain every single time
I wish I could have absorbed all the bad energy so it couldn’t hurt you anymore
But I felt helpless
And all I could do was watch you slowly leave me.

You hurt me
And I hurt you
It was mutual

I was unhappy
I lived my childhood tiptoeing around  my problems
You were my problem
I didn’t really have a childhood
I didn’t really have “fun” memories
I had distraught memories of always hurting

You asked me why am I always frowning
How can I be happy when
I felt like i was going mad
I felt like I was the problem
That I caused it to be this way
That it’s my fault because I was too pretty
It’s my fault because i drew attention to myself
It’s my fault because I was asking for this to happen
that i would be returned to a place I thought was ten times worse then this
So I endured the suffering and the pain
And the darkness and my writing became my only friend , the only friend that knew everything
The only friend I could hide behind

I hide behind the synthetic smile I stitched and embroidered  to my face
I smile because I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I don’t know why I’m different
I don’t know why the palms of my hands look the way they do
I don’t know why the skin on my face feels the way it does
I don’t know why my feet wander they way they do
I feel like my body isn’t mine
That like I’m foreign to this world
Like I’m alien
Alien because I don’t fit in
Alien because I stand out
Alien because my own body rejects my life essence
I smile because I don’t want them to ask questions
I don’t want them to **** and pock at me like I’m some science experiment
Or I’m broken and need fixing
I’m broken and need fixing ?
Am I broken and need fixing?

If the ache in the core of my being stops
If my eyes stop flooding dry land
If my mind stops gasping for air
If my sleep becomes tranquil
If I stop thinking your going to walk into my room
speaking the word I longed to hear
"I never left Chris, I'd never leave you"
does that mean its getting better
or does that mean I'm going crazy.

I will catch your falling tears and make them beautiful
I will cup your face in my hands and make you look me straight in the eyes
I will make you forget about your worries
I will kiss your cheeks and give them colour again
I will make your stone cold heart warm again
I will give you hopes and dreams
That's what you said
But what I heard was
I will give you false hopes and dreams
I will give you things only to rip them out of your hands again
I will drain you of all energy you have and make you weak for me
So you will never leave me even though I don't treat you properly
I will catch your falling tears and make you cry some more
All you do is make me worry
Don't you realise with you there is no peace

The tears slowly run down my face
Leaving a wet trail path leading away from my eyes
Dragging away my pain
Pulling the abhorrent images which I have seen
Washing them down my cheeks
Until they drip on the cold ground
Almost in slow motion
As I hear the silent splat of my fears on the pavement.

It's hard to live in a world with so much emotional violence
It's frightening
One minute you can be alive and the next you could be a ticking time bomb
Ready to throw yourself off of a bridge  cause of the words being thrown at you bruising your fragile skin
Or even better yet dead already
Then what?
years , months, even days pass and your nothing but a distant memory in everyone minds
Only remembered when something reminds them of you
Then you realise they never really cared          

I don't want to be like one of the 20 billion that have died without their voices heard
While the people that killed get to walk around free
Is it fun to take dreams , hopes , a life away from someone
How can you live with yourself knowing you killed ?
Or nevertheless contributed to digging someone grave

It's doesn't take physically piercing a knife through someone's heart for them to die
You could just so easily pierce a hole through someones mind
Stabbing their hopes and dreams until they bleed out
Or rip out fleshy the lungs they need to breathe and survive
Taking away the foundation they needed to build an empire
Leaving them have nothing
That's not the kind of person you want to be
The one that kills using words
"Your ugly "
"Worthless "
"Your not going to succeed "
"You can't do it "
"Who do you think you are ?"
"Well , I think I am the daughter of a King and Queen"
"I think I'm beautiful "
"I think I have so much worth it doesn’t have a numerical value"
"I know I'm going to succeed "
"I know I can do it"

I show you what you want to see
I show you what you want to hear
My face , my personality , my smile changes when you a near
It's only to make you like me
Would you run if I showed you the real me
Not that perfect image of me I created to impress you
Would you run if I showed you all my scars that have build up over years
Would you run if I confess to you all the sins I committed ?
Would you run if I tore down the wall that was hiding all my everything ? brick by brick if I reveal myself
Would you run ?
If I removed the mask and stopped the facade and showed you my real feathers in their rough tattered state  
Would
You
Run ?

Paper soulmates
Drawn together by fate
Glued into each other's lives persistently
As we are paper soulmates we are prone wear and tear
Torn paper is truly unfixable
You can only try to sellotape together what has been torn apart
Scrunched paper can't truly be smoothed out again,
there is still going to be evidence of past experience
Our story Inked onto the pages of our body
Stained by water, the ink smudges off of us
Our stories ??
unreadable

The wind dances with the leaves hand in hand on the tainted outcast branches of the trees
Casting a playful shadow on my freshly cut grass of my lawn
The odour filled my nostrils
Tickling every nerve in my nose

The roads are silent but the occasional car that steers itself careful through the narrow roads that never seems to end as the darkness of the nighttime engulfs them

Then there's the lone black cat that saunters from house to house only at night
It stops and looks up at my window
I'm not really a cat person but this one fascinated me
It's marble green eyes , so hypnotic
I zoned out into bleak nothingness
I zoned back into the moonlit box which is my room
The cat was gone and I am staring at where it once sat

I move from the window sill that stood never moving to my bed
I went and lay on my back
I Watch the ceiling like it is a tv screen showing my favourite show

My mind found peace
eventually
I hesitantly close my eyes not wanting to block out the little light that the moon provided
In that moment I realised I find the darkness pretty and I wander off into a deep sleep.

Why do I keep checking my phone for a message I know I haven't received
why do I keep waiting for something that is non existent ?
Why do I keep hoping for a miracle ?
Why do I keep loving you ?
Why is it when I want to move on your always there with an outstretched hand drawing me back to you ?
Why is it that whenever you call I keep running back ?
Why is it that whenever I'm around you my face that usually says nothing is like an open book ?
Easily read
Why is it that you can see through my soul?
Why ?
Why do u do this to me ?
Why do u make me hurt ?
Why do u make me think ?
Why do u make me cry ?
Why do u make me angry ?
Why do u make me jealous ?
Why do u make me feel ?
Emotions I'm not used to cause I've been emotionless for years and haven't realised
Why are there so many unanswered questions when it comes to you ?