Missing out or
being left beind
which is worse?




As if you had the choice ...

the victim
the accuser
or the perpetrator

a scheme
a cause
or a result

one great plan
the cycle of life
or  a random mess

everything
nothing
a matter of perspective

theirs
or
yours?

Here we go again
step by step
this time it's different I say
things have changed, I've changed
I think to myself
again

I stop, just a moment
I look up, same old road
I look down, old familiar steps
sunk in a bit deeper into the ground
I've been here before,many, many times

Game over,
try again
the only thing changing
is the passing of time and the pace of my steps

Can't outrun yourself
Maybe I should just lay down
watch the seasons go by

What's the point?
I've never stopped to question it before

To afraid to find answers

A diary
for the broken ones and the fixed
for the yearning
the lost, the found, the loving
and the trapped
the free spirits of this world
and maybe the next

laid out before you
a map of it all

collect them
all these perfect little moments
hiding in plain sight
waiting to be found
keep em
but let them stay free

I'm good
most of the time
I'm in control
I'm satisfied, I can feel happines

But sometimes a feeling comes crashing over me
out of nowhere
triggerd
like when you finish a good book
the end credits roll
of a movie all so beautiful
emptiness sitting on your chest so heavily
I can't cry
no release granted
"pain demands to be felt"
my heart breaks, my mind trying to keep up
my heart can't keep up, my mind breaks loose
emptiness
the despair of ficitional characters
familiar but strangers all the same
not real but reality to me
I care for them, being dead inside
"face death, deal with it or lose yourself"
the last page is turned
the story stopped
all are dead and yet alive
in me
not enough room, make way

I try to numb it out to get back in control
whisky burns my lips
smoke scratches my throat
whishing for release
lose it, keep it tucked in forever
though I feel, finally
alive
I want to punish myself
I lose control for good
emotions bundle up to the surface
make up for time lost before
drunk texting
regret in the morning after
I need to express myself
to you, to anyone, get it out
there is no one here

Weltschmerz
pain of the world
all in one
tiny little heart so fragile
I'm made up of stories

My friend can I come over
I'm in that mood again

who are you
to stand in my way so steadily
said the woodpecker
to the tree

Aufstehen, von der Sonne geweckt

der erste Kaffe steht bereit
Katzen die sich in Gärten strecken
du liest ein Buch, das tu ich auch
die Hängematte, schwingt zwischen den Tannen
Tauben zirpen, Zickarden gurren
dein Eis schmilzt und tropft
sonnengebleichte Haare steht in die Richtung des Windes
braungebrannte Haut schwitzig, später salzverkrustet
Sonnencremduft, an uns
Pommes rotweiß an den Fingern, klebrig
die Sonne blendet, ist  schon okay
Wellenrauschen, tobende Kinder kreischen
Sand zwischen den Zehen
du neben mir auf dem Handtuch
gemeinsam dösen
gehen wir nochmal rein?
Gösser, der letzte Schluck
ein bisschien zu warm
Dämmerung Barfuß auf dem Fahrrad
Lagerfeuerrauch in Augen und Nase,
blaue Flamme Knack zisch
weinrotgefärbte Lippen, Zungen so schwer wie der Kopf
Zeitlos

Bis morgen!

You don't know me.
I read books, listen to music, watch movies, meet friends.
I cook, I bake, I drink,  sometimes to much.
I learn new things, sometimes not enough.
I work, eat, sleep , repeat.
I draw, I wirte, I exercise.
I try to date to the date.
I have good days and I have bad days.
I struggle everyday, more than you can see.
I do all these things, trying out new ways to be me,
  that you know nothing about.

Now you don't get to look down on,
Don't you dare try lecturing me.

For you left when I was a child
and didn't care to visit.
Now you're back in my life
but it's not for my good, is it?

I owe you nothing.
Keep your distance.

So you're going then?
Yes I'm leaving
... me behind, again.
For some time, I'm coming back .... I think
Why are you doing this? What are you looking for?
Experience, Purpose, Answers, Determination
 Love, Life, Death,
Memories of the future
and whatever all of that summs up to
It hurts to see you go.
I know,but you know what?
...
It means it has been real
It means it has been worth it
;