if i'm honest, i don't even know if i wanted you there
but as the silence cut through the radio played on
sometimes i'm so sick of the universe and its signs
even when it isn't wrong

if i'm honest, i laughed too hard
and smiled too much
because i wanted you to fall the same way i did
i wanted you to fall in love

if i'm honest, when you asked truth or dare
it scared the life out of me
i could tell by the look in your eyes
that you knew you could end my being

if i'm honest, in the dimly lit room
i wanted to lose myself in you again
i really can make everything out of absolutely nothing
after all, we're just friends

but if i'm honest, after the one o'clock walk
and you went home to sleep
i must have left my being on the other side of the street
because it didn't come back until two or three

if i'm honest, i only told you that i couldn't go
because i couldn't see you with anyone else
i'm not sorry that i didn't go, though
i guess right now i'm just not myself

and if i'm honest, i just laid in bed
all of the very next day
after seeing you, i always fall so low
waiting to hear from the one who went away

maybe i don't want to be this honest
but i need to stop lying to myself
if i'm honest, it's good to get all of this out
even if it means you shutting down

but if i'm honest, i don't know if i want you to read this
i don't know who i want to be
i only know what i always have
that somehow, i just need you to be there with me.

One of the most haunting things to see
Is the rubble of what people used to be
All the broken walls of shame
And she can't even say his name
Bricks scattered like self esteem
All among the rotting trees
The words leave an imprint on the silhouette
The brick walls left aren't even red
Shattered souls like broken glass
Mirrored fragments reflect a bitter social class
So when a sympathetic comes to clean up the mess
There isn't even a floorboard left
Nothing can be rebuilt on the cursed ground
Not a fling, not a heart, not a sound
So when he goes to scream his name
Everything stays silent all the same
She picked up and ran so far away
Somewhere like Orlando or LA
While the empty space is where it used to be
Haunted, empty, and unseen

My freshman year I learned
Not to love people who aren't worth your time
No matter how strong you are
Everything will not be just fine

My sophomore year I learned
Not to let people push you around
But it's okay to fade away a little
To blend in with the crowd

My junior year I learned
That no one can tell you to change
Not your laughter, your joy, or your pain
I learned that nothing is really as it seems
And no one seems to like it when I'm actually me

Maybe senior year I'll learn something else
Maybe I'll learn to be myself

I don't think that you even knew
That the best part of our little world
Was spending time with you

You're the king to my queen and the kingdom to me
Breaking the rules and changing everything
Arguing over inky blood and silly decrees

And I'll write the words if you'll break the news
Behind the scenes with a handful of fleets
But alone I'm tongue tied and bruised

So put on your crown and take my hand
Strike up a tune and grab your staff
We'll rule the world we'll rule the land.

Rest in peace, my dear, it's all over now
I took my heart out of yours and I'll hitch a ride out of town
You should be able to breathe, for once
I'm so sorry things had to end like this
With the poison out of your blood you can see clearly
And I am seeing the bad things, merely
I was the relationship you didn't want
So now there's no one saying you can't
I'm sorry for everything I ever did
I never thought we'd end like this
Take your clothes back take everything
It's better for you and better for me
We'll both go our separate ways
And leave this relationship at the grave
But promise me you'll visit once and a while
And set down lilies in memory of the turmoil
Because we learned just as much from the good as the bad
And we made it out alive with only scars to be had
Did we have something?
Yeah.
But it's over now.
And I think I loved you.
But go find your own way, now.

I write poetry
All the time
Because I know if I didn't
I would explode
Because my heart screams too loud
I would go deaf
Because words are my safety
I rely on them
Because they are there through the worst
Now-
Which notebook did I put that in?

We could've loved in a different time
If someone wrote us in a different novel
A different, Universe-dictated
Never-inclusive, story line

In a time where men wore pocket watches and coattails
And women petticoats and corsets
With heir-to-the-mansion blue eyes
Straight out of Pride & Prejudice

Possibly when novels were written by typewriters and gas lights
I'd be spitting my thoughts onto paper in the nearly dark
Just like I am--like I do--now, I suppose
And maybe then you could've won my heart

Or a time when man thought they could reach God
When men first invented God, and heaven, and flight
Some wondering if they even should
But my God, you're that wanna-be, enlightenment-thinker type

Maybe when guns spoke instead of words
And someone like me had to work until the moon said goodnight
Watching for your tired figure in my doorway
Hoping you'd make it home alright

What about the era of free love?
Your hair could be longer, and certainly curlier, than mine
Those freckles telling a thousand iridescent stories
Around the crackling firelight  

But not here, not now, and not anytime soon
Because in this century we are too far apart
Maybe we collided too late
And we should've been 19th century art

Star-crossed loves with fate worse than death
Soulmates, some nonsense meant-to-be
But maybe that wouldn't have been so bad
It's just not open eyes or reality

And maybe that's because of me

We could've loved in a different time
If I had written a better, Universe-dictated novel
With a different, never inclusive story line

I'd care about your hopes and fears
More than you look like in a mirror
I'd care about your heart and soul
But somehow you'll never know
I'd write a song; I'd strum a tune
But it's all only for you

I'd stay up so that I never dream
To avoid the thoughts, to avoid the feeling
I'd stay up to wait for a soundless call
That I don't expect to come at all
I'd build a house, paint the walls blue
But it's all only for you

I'd catch the stars with a butterfly net
To meet someone I've never met
I'd reel in the heavens with a kite and a key
Holding more electricity than we'll ever be
I'd fall in love with the man on the moon
But it's all only for you

I'd take a breath for infinity
Hoping that it'll never leave
I'd take a breath for immortality
Knowing that it's something I'll never achieve
I'd even stop the breaths for a minute or two
But it's all only for you

Do you notice the sparkle in my eyes?
When I hear that song I still sometimes cry
Do you remember my favorite color or favorite food?
Because when I see plaid I still think of you
Does that song still make you think of us?
Because for me it still really does
Do you remember the feeling that night we cuddled on the couch?
Or when you sang to me off key and loud
Do you know you drank all my apple juice the other day?
I think I've run out of things to say...

the only thing worse than the heavy sobs
is the silent, wet eyes
when you hurt too much to even cry

hidden
feelings
what
a
struggle
skirt
around
it and
avoid
the
rubble
---
break
the
walls
forbid
a
foundation
no thoughts
no love
no appreciation
---
take a
sledgehammer
to my
heart
to my
soul
to
everything
God
forbid
anyone
feel
anything.