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AllAtOnce Dec 2018
It's 10:55 on December 27th and I swear that I
will be able to forget the constellation freckles on your arms
and how you shoved the "passive aggressive" note you asked me to write like I used to
into your bag and shrugged it off when I asked like--
like you don't know your own charm.

It told you to "stop messing around on Facebook and write your **** :)",
which may have been the last thing I would ever tell you to do--
I forget--
just like you forgot how much you missed my notes and reminders and all of it
(except for me).

So, if you can forget about every Sunday night
and the way your fingers danced on my ankle and my thigh,
then I can pretend I never loved you in a way I swore no one else could
because, to this day, I'm upset that you seem to think that there was anyone else besides you
in this endless universe that ever would
do.

I will forget the way you said my name when you were tired, frustrated, and alone,
and the way you asked me to get wine drunk,
because the 150 reasons that I was in love with you
are the same reasons that I need to let you go, too.
AllAtOnce Dec 2018
I can’t wait for the day when I don’t think of you,
when I feel acid rain pouring on my face like fiery fingers and tears,
or when curls bounce around my face like the phone cord in the first house I remember,
or drink cinnamon orange tea and write forty pages of gender theory.
I can’t wait for the day when I don't remember you won’t message back,
and I’m left on read like a newspaper reporter without a following,
or when brandy and coffee doesn’t smell like your breath or how I thought you’d taste.
Because fiery tears are acid rain on my cheeks
that won’t burn the scattered pieces of you away.
Dec 2018 · 28
Holiday dinner
AllAtOnce Dec 2018
Despite everything
There’s something
About
Texting someone under
The table
At holidays,
Hoping no one will
Ask you
Their name
Or
Their status
Because
Despite everything
There’s something
About loving
Without
labels and
Friendship without
Names
And once it’s said
Aloud
It doesn’t mean as much
Anymore
Dec 2018 · 115
i believe in smeared ink
AllAtOnce Dec 2018
there’s something about the way i’ve hit my
head on the awards on the wall
that makes me love
this place.
it’s the specks of maroon in the evergreen carpet
and the way we
used to sit on the table too
close together.
i love the way that the wheels
of the chairs catch on the computer cords
and the coffee stains
on the floor.
it’s the whiteboard we built
and the movie
we watched
and all
all
all
of the ink smeared on
our fingers and our
faces
that makes me wish i could never forget this
and also that i entirely,
completely
could.
Aug 2018 · 312
Sunday
AllAtOnce Aug 2018
Tonight is cold coffee
sitting in a paper-and-ink colored mug
on the corner of the desk;
it’s propping old tennis-shoes feet
on your swivel chair
and sitting so close i can see the holes in
the collar of your shirt
and nothing less.

Tonight is trying to pretend that
your arm on my shoulders
doesn’t matter to me;
it’s telling myself that we’re
just friends
and that everything beyond that
is so unclear;
it’s swallowing the lump in my throat
and inhaling your
bittersweet cologne.

Tonight is tiled floors and silent hallways
broken by eighties pop music
and dropping things on the floor,
because I worked ten hours today and
“i just can’t”
anymore;
it’s thin mints
crushed into chocolate and stardust pieces
on the floor of the office that I should’ve vacuumed
Friday, or Monday,
or probably the week before.

And tomorrow is going to be two meetings
and too many shuffling agendas
and everything else that I hate;
it’ll be khaki-colored pants
and a glimpse of you through
the window
if i’m lucky,
because the wet blanket
that will settle in tomorrow
and make itself at home
is reality.

But for tonight,
it’s almost ten thirty,
and I’m sure that I could
walk faster to my car
and kick less concrete pebbles
along the way,
but then I would’ve missed
you shouting
that you’ll see me
tomorrow,

so maybe
tomorrow
will be
okay.
AllAtOnce Jun 2018
i want to touch the stars
in the skies
like you touched me—
with all kinds of
steady hands and
breathing confidently.

i wish i could brush stardust
off of my fingertips
like your thigh brushed against mine—
with all kinds of
painful knowing and
just trying to get by.

i would love to watch
you disappear like stars in the
light-polluted
smog-city sky,
but the stars somehow shine
even brighter
in your ocean-colored eyes

so maybe i should start
wishing on stars to
sink,
and drown,
and die.
Jun 2018 · 146
the trouble with townies
AllAtOnce Jun 2018
my favorite thing
about you was the way that
you fell
from the sky and
set my entire universe aflame
with a white-hot
accidental fire
and the way you let everything
burn down
instead of roasting marshmallows
over the ashes of our
minuscule town
because if we can’t celebrate
the inevitable destruction
of our lives
then maybe you should’ve
stayed in the sky
AllAtOnce Jun 2018
the monsters lurking
behind my eyelids
make up nebulas of
nightmares
and the pieces of
every man
i have yet to love

because sooner or later
everyone
lets you down
and terrifies you
and explodes

but i don’t think that i could love
any other way
so i beg the monsters
to please
stay.
Jun 2018 · 244
black holes and better days
AllAtOnce Jun 2018
you know,
people are kind of
like stars,
and not because of
the way that they
glow radioactive,
grant fairytale wishes,
or shoot across the sky,
but because of the
way that they
explode
into dust,
inhaling the broken remnants
into their black holes,
just like you drew my shattered pieces
into yours.
Apr 2018 · 164
Make it stop
AllAtOnce Apr 2018
Everything stops.
Rain stops falling like
a two-year-old’s tantrum tears,
and rocks stop skipping when
inertia gives in to gravity.
Clocks stop ticking when the
gears start to rust,
and hearts stop beating, like
a melody too tired to play.
Just as “I love you” stops buzzing like
insects in my head,
and you stop caring whether or not
we see each other that day.
Eventually, our time here will stop, too.
And looking back,
maybe you’ll wish
that I never stopped and that
you never gave yourself
the chance to.
Feb 2018 · 83
If libraries are towns
AllAtOnce Feb 2018
Bookshelves are like apartment complexes,
with woody browns and dusty greys that they
just won’t let you paint over.

Rick Riordan and J. K. Rowling live with
their best friend, Cassandra Clare,
in the penthouse,
because we all had great childhood loves
filled with library-book paper cuts
and worn and scotch-taped pages.

Tolkien is merely an elevator ride below
and Austen is only a cheap oak door away,
because they are as dramatic as pre-teen girls were about Justin Bieber,  
and traveling to Mordor and
loving Mr. Darcy
is basically the same anyway.

But Frost and Dickinson live across the hall from
Hughes and Homer,
because everyone stops for death and
roads less traveled by,
and even though no one ever saw Emily,
they all thought they were very popular.

The bottom floor is filled with sundry residents
that no one sees as they come and go.
They just hear the dogs barking and doors slamming,
(Old Man Shakespeare wants them to leave him alone.)
but every teen fiction novel has a Romeo and Juliet story
and a broken boy and a dog.

And so if bookshelves are like apartment complexes?
Where will I live, and
could I even be
a resident?
Jan 2018 · 55
Phone home
AllAtOnce Jan 2018
There’s ink on my hands
And fire in my soul
I’m just a tired insomniac
Looking for someone to call home
AllAtOnce Dec 2017
Don't lie to me
You know when I'm there and you know when I'm not
But maybe I'm only relevant when you're lonely and I'm lost

And I won't lie to you
Because when you stood up there and sang with that girl
It all but broke my heart
Because one week ago I was in your room and you were in my arms

But honestly
I feel better about this than I ever have before
Because my heart didn't stop and my veins didn't clench when you walked through the door

I've been denying it but
It's not like it was a great night or even a great hookup

And I don't need or lie to myself
Pretending that you're worth it
In your Hawaiian shirt
On ******* December first

You're the kind of guy that people write teen fiction novels about
But not for me, babe, don't hear me out
I'm going to just walk far, far away
Maybe you really didn't see me there anyway
Nov 2017 · 100
black friday
AllAtOnce Nov 2017
you taste like ashes and Colectivo coffee and everything that i hate
it’s a bad idea with an accelerated heart rate
and you feel like a one am decision no longer up for debate

but your sheets are warm and you smell like soap and cheap cologne
and two seconds later my lips are bruised and my shirt is torn
by the sound of muffled footsteps and a hidden groan

and i know you made it clear that i could stay
tangled in your feet and in your reckless ways
but after the actors finish the play
i guess they have to leave anyway
Nov 2017 · 271
so if you don't want me
AllAtOnce Nov 2017
i need to rip myself open to pour you out
i can hear you in my head and you’re so **** loud

because you’re an undeniable part of a very breakable me
but this just wasn’t how it was supposed to be

so if you don’t want me, you can’t have me at all
the stockings are tight and the wine glasses tall

and i’ll rip out the seams so it all falls apart
breaking away from you and saving my heart

because good god, i don’t want to feel this way anymore
it’s foggy minds and teary eyes and bathroom floors

if you don’t want me, you can’t have me at all
so i’m sorry but
i have to take you down and watch you fall
Nov 2017 · 138
Just a Person, I Promise.
AllAtOnce Nov 2017
I don't want another person
I don't need anyone else
And I don't want your explanations
I don't need your help

You say there are more people in the world
But you know I'm kind of picky
Even if the only one I want
Doesn't really want anything from me

So through the shortness of breath
And the aching in my chest
I tell you I don't need you
But I don't say it's a test

You could have my whole world if you asked
I could give you 150 reasons
Why you're not just a person
And I don't want the rest.
AllAtOnce Nov 2017
I think that I've reached a new low
Where two am means pizza in the shower with music I've sworn to hate (you're everything I want to hate)
Instead of breakfast for dinner
With someone I'd promised to date

It means being a hopeless romantic on Friday evenings
And burying my head in the sheets every other night
You know what they say
If you're out of sight, you're out of mind

But none of that compares to your ringtone at four in the morning
Sending octopus emojis and asking me to come get ******
But strangely enough
Everything about you feels like home

So I'll make the water hotter and turn up the sound
And cold pizza is better any other way
But it's better than dreaming of you
And wasting my life away
Oct 2017 · 488
Guess I'll Just Fall Asleep
AllAtOnce Oct 2017
On Fridays you get drunk on alcohol
And I get drunk on expecting you to call
Oct 2017 · 377
Thanks for asking, I guess.
AllAtOnce Oct 2017
What am I doing?
I'm so glad you asked
Waiting for an author to write a perfect book
Waiting for an artist to paint the perfect canvas

Watching the stars for a moment
Hoping something will collapse
I guess I'm just painfully, desperately waiting
For something miraculous to happen
Oct 2017 · 122
I hope you read this.
AllAtOnce Oct 2017
I remember being as angry as you are now
Wondering who, and what, and when, and where and how
And I remember questioning how you could lie about someone for so long
Swearing you liked someone with ****** hair and bare arms

And I distinctly remember breaking when you asked him out
Even though it was ****** and high school and it doesn't matter now
You guys are best friends now, too, I think
And that still really truly baffles me

Because we have both ****** up and we both have lied
And it's been over ****** things and feelings and guys
But being friends as adults, I think
Is realizing that people will never be perfect and that's why they drink

It's about taking responsibility and moving on
And I don't know what else you want to me to say 'cause honestly, he's gone
I'm sorry and I'm sorry and yeah I was wrong
But I was angry for who knows how long

So if you ever need me I guess I'll be here
Because that's what I did before and after we shed a couple tears
And talked **** about each other and ran around in circles
We just wrote a couple poems and wrote a couple verses

I completely understand where you are coming from
So that's why I'm not upset or in denial or pleading that I didn't do anything wrong
Because it wasn't supposed to happen that way, and well, it did
But that's life, and maybe you'll learn that eventually
Just like I did.
AllAtOnce Oct 2017
Of course, I know the words to that song
And I know why you are the way you are
I know the way that you think and how you're feeling
And I know you're trouble if I ever saw some

Because I know people like you and I know where this is going
Nowhere good with half a helping of depressing
Throw in a lovesick poet and a broken musician and, god--
What was I thinking?

So don't be surprised to know I'm in love
And you know what?
It might be the stupidest thing I've ever done
But I don't think that I would feel this way
Or write this way
If I wasn't.
AllAtOnce Oct 2017
when was the last time you actually felt anything?
let it course through your veins like clay and novocaine

your stomach flipping like dolphins
and your heart absorbing the endorphins

etching words in your skin until you bleed like you don't even know the feeling

of being in your sober mind more than just once or twice

because if we are going to do this I want to see your eyes close when we kiss
and feel your fingers shake
and let your skin hiss

i'm feeling everything for you and you're inhaling smoke fumes

i know it's not fair but I guess it doesn't compare to the mask you try to wear

made from cheap alcohol and the way I'll fall

ending in a broken eulogy at merely twenty
and that's not the way I want it to be
Sep 2017 · 681
opportunity cost
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
staring up at spot spackled ceilings
buried in fifteen dollar sheets
tucking toes under lumpy covers
and tasting cheap beer on your teeth

hiding under dim, midnight lighting
and tossing pillows on the floor
icy fingers entwined
swearing all's fair in love and war

making breakfast in baggy t shirts and socks
and eating cereal on a faded couch
maybe a little bit of day drinking
hoping word will never get out

blushing when you glance my way
and loving every minute
regretting every decision we ever made
but not changing any of it.
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
I swear you know a little bit about everything from the end of the world to the past
From Ovid to T.S. Eliot and Rick Riordan
And I think I'm in love with that

I feel like it was probably, almost easier
When you didn't know anything about anything
And I didn't know any better

Because I don't know what I'm doing and the idea of love is a lie
I'm in foreign territory now
And I swear that I won't cry

Sometimes bad decisions are broken hearts in disguise
And demons are just shadows
That make their home in your eyes

You're the worst bad influence and maybe I'm okay with that
I'd drink with you and sleep with you
And maybe I'm ashamed of that

But I want to lay in bed and stare at the bumpy ceiling
Talking about humanity and the meaning of life
Tangling toes in cheap sheets and pretending that I'm not feeling
Sep 2017 · 187
You're on fire
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
You look like you could set the world on fire
With ***** blond hair and fire sign eyes
And a voice to split the mountains
Into canyons again

And I bet your world's on fire
But god, you're such a good liar
I see right through your wavy hair
Can't you see that it's not fair?

You've set my world on fire
And I feel ***** and broken and tired
I'm melting and helpless and falling apart
And instead of canyons, it's my heart
Sep 2017 · 84
impossible things
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
it could be an adventure through outer space
inhaling poison gasses and sneezing constellations into place
while scattering the dusty footprints on the planets
riding on the toxic waves of acid tangents

or a trip through the Atlantic in an orange submarine
falling in love or laughing until our eyes bleed
watching life in the real world from afar
under sea level and into his arms

it could be a trek in the forrest in my dreams
picking black wildflowers and catching sunset beams
sleeping under cotton-candy clouds
his broken voice fills my heart and pungent sound

it could be sleeping with the fishes or bathing in mushroom clouds
jumping into the end of the world without fear or doubt
the apocalypse is upon us now
ignoring the protests and the crowds and the shouts

and he and i would be an impossibility
just like all of these other things
Sep 2017 · 179
Friday nights
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
It's Friday night and I guess I don't have anything better to do
But homework and just pretending
That a beautiful boy is singing to my  broken heart in perfect tune

Every time I drink coffee I think of you
God, you've ruined that for me too
Like heavy metal music and the color blue.
Sep 2017 · 163
20 Feet of Insecurity
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
I'm falling apart and I'm 20 feet away
And you sound just like I thought you would
I shouldn't have done this today

I have to get up and leave
Because I'm sure there's somewhere better to be
But I'm still glued to my seat

I don't know what I expected
Why am I even here?
It's pointless and I'm irrelevant and rejected

I bet Shakespeare wrote something more tragic than this
And I swear I'm losing my mind
For a wish or a kiss or a guitar pick

I'm getting anxious and my hands are cold
I'm shaking and faking and falling apart
Because no one will ask what I wrote

And I don't even know what this means anymore
I'm just praying to be invisible forever
Because not existing has got to be better than before

I don't know what I thought that I was doing
I'm a mess and I'm just work
God, why aren't my feet moving?

It's getting worse and it's getting dark
I'm so glad I don't work in the morning
For the sake of my sanity and my heart

If I could stop writing then maybe it would be okay
But the words are writing themselves now
And the room is turning grey

What if I passed out--what if I just died?
That might be so much easier
Than getting up and walking outside.
Sep 2017 · 77
incognito and collectivo
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
you know i hate the taste of this coffee
like your name on my weathered lips
it's a little bitter and a little hot
and all kinds of acidic

and the cup is orange and black and white
like i imagine the color of your soul
all kinds of autumn and october
with a whole lot left to know

it breaks my heart and burns my tongue
just like i'll smash the recycled cup
maybe i need to let it go
and just stick to my starbucks
maybe i just want some (thing) (one) different.
Sep 2017 · 302
Kingdom to Me
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
I don't think that you even knew
That the best part of our little world
Was spending time with you

You're the king to my queen and the kingdom to me
Breaking the rules and changing everything
Arguing over inky blood and silly decrees

And I'll write the words if you'll break the news
Behind the scenes with a handful of fleets
But alone I'm tongue tied and bruised

So put on your crown and take my hand
Strike up a tune and grab your staff
We'll rule the world we'll rule the land.
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
i wonder if your brain is like a hot, summer day
with angry bees and frazzled thoughts
and dish soap bubbles and synapses that pop

i wonder if you write the words to your own songs
that you sing when you're tired, broken, and alone
or when it's three am and your apartment's just too ******* cold

i wonder if you wake up dreaming of kings and queens and ghosts
and how life used to be in the bedroom of your childhood house
without any of the rent or the rust or the faults

i wonder if you fall asleep thinking of someone else
someone in black and plaid with dyed and matted hair
because you probably have a type that's maybe not me and it's unfair

i wonder if your heart is always falling apart
because everything has no reason and every reason to do without
no matter how hard someone like me tries or how loud i could shout.
Sep 2017 · 156
Jobs and Thoughts
AllAtOnce Sep 2017
A job is a job
Until it’s really not
But if you don’t care about it
Or the people
Then it’s nothing at all
And you can’t really lead them
Unless you can be them
And If you can’t be them
Then leave them
And if you can
You want to see them
Succeed and believe
And be everything that they can be
Because a job is a job
Until it’s nothing at all.
AllAtOnce Aug 2017
i heard you got your own place
i heard you're growing up
maybe you couldn't take your dog with you
but i heard you've fallen in love

and i'm not sure how i feel anymore
everything is so far apart
the colors are all blending together
and i suppose it's what adults call art

i don't know when our childhood faded away
the million questions and ****** thoughts
with late night walks after better days
dreaming of being rocks stars and skipping rocks

i remember thinking we'd fallen in love
with the high school lights burning out
with early 2000's alternative
blasting in the background

i heard you got your own place
have you heard i'm giving up?
maybe you don't respond anymore
but that doesn't mean that somehow
in a little way
i've stopped being in love
Jul 2017 · 477
Thought or Not
AllAtOnce Jul 2017
Today I thought about texting you
I thought
And I thought
And thought

And so I sent a word,
The kind of word that breaks things
And starts them
And then I thought, "maybe not."

Maybe you got a new phone number
And maybe you're out of data
Because your ****** uncle used it all
Again
And I hate that I know that
I fumble
Again

Maybe this makes me selfish
Because I have thought about you
A lot
And thought
And thought
But reaching out was maybe a mistake
Or maybe not

But I want you to know that I thought
And I thought
And thought
And five minutes later
Without a response
I still thought, "or not."
Jul 2017 · 281
We could've loved--
AllAtOnce Jul 2017
We could've loved in a different time
If someone wrote us in a different novel
A different, Universe-dictated
Never-inclusive, story line

In a time where men wore pocket watches and coattails
And women petticoats and corsets
With heir-to-the-mansion blue eyes
Straight out of Pride & Prejudice

Possibly when novels were written by typewriters and gas lights
I'd be spitting my thoughts onto paper in the nearly dark
Just like I am--like I do--now, I suppose
And maybe then you could've won my heart

Or a time when man thought they could reach God
When men first invented God, and heaven, and flight
Some wondering if they even should
But my God, you're that wanna-be, enlightenment-thinker type

Maybe when guns spoke instead of words
And someone like me had to work until the moon said goodnight
Watching for your tired figure in my doorway
Hoping you'd make it home alright

What about the era of free love?
Your hair could be longer, and certainly curlier, than mine
Those freckles telling a thousand iridescent stories
Around the crackling firelight  

But not here, not now, and not anytime soon
Because in this century we are too far apart
Maybe we collided too late
And we should've been 19th century art

Star-crossed loves with fate worse than death
Soulmates, some nonsense meant-to-be
But maybe that wouldn't have been so bad
It's just not open eyes or reality

And maybe that's because of me

We could've loved in a different time
If I had written a better, Universe-dictated novel
With a different, never inclusive story line
Just now recognizing that "maybe" is definitely used as my crutch. Only used it four times here, I think? Anyone else have a crutch word? Just me? Cool.
Jun 2017 · 235
Well bye, I guess?
AllAtOnce Jun 2017
Sometimes I think of you
And it's not something I really want
When I start with "I remember when-"
Or our favorite songs come on.

It's weird because we spent a year
Basically living in the same clothes
And shoes, and housesandcars
But now who even knows

I try not to think about it
Or get all ******* up over it again
Because then I get a bit hurt
Because it really shouldn't have happened

Not that way,
Anyway

Because we were supposed to get tattoos
And boyfriends
And college educations
But I guess as kids, everything pretty much just ends

So maybe you'll see this
And maybe you won't
And maybe that's okay
Because I don't want to care, and I guess really don't
AllAtOnce Jun 2017
It's the rebel in me
That likes the devil in you
But I'll tell you what
I'm not trying to lose
My life
My love
Everything I've become
For someone who sleeps around
And lives life in surround sound

Because it's the cat in me
Killed by the curiosity
Of what it feels like
To feel you breathe
And touch your lips and your tattoos
It's all just not enough
With too much to lose

It's the lover in me
That hates the soul in you
It's sick
And twisted
And downright abused
By the life that you've lived
And the life that you chose
I'm sorry
But I wish I could fix the bruise

It's the fool in me
That makes me let go of you
Because I love someone else too
And I know it's crude
I'll push you away soon
So get out of my life
And my sight
It isn't right
But I'm not in the mood
For you to be foolish and childish and rude
I'm not dealing with your attitude
It's like you're twenty-two
And he's a hundred times better than you
Never again
Apr 2017 · 240
what is it?
AllAtOnce Apr 2017
it's hot coffee and warm paper cup steam
and illegible tattoos without a theme
it's late night eyes and restless hours
and cheap notebook paper towers

it's sleeping until noon and arriving late
because of weekday parties that couldn't wait
it's worn out chucks and shirts with holes
based in a religious background and thrift shop clothes

it's community cups and feet without shoes
seen by long eyelashes and the color blue
it's ink rubbing off on freckled hands
from crumpled papers thrown in trash cans

it's an improbable dynamic and an impossible feat
because of barely-earned titles and grinding teeth
it's the quiet thoughts and midnight dreams
that, come the sunrise, are not even feelings.
AllAtOnce Mar 2017
Do you have a byline?
Do you have a name?
I swear it's always changing
Why are you never the same?

Are you just a teaser
For something that lies beneath?
A shabby, broken prelude
Like chipped and shiny teeth

Maybe you're a template
Rigid, with ****-ups here and there
Burried beneath the words assigned
That are too specific to spare

I bet you're just an issue
Filled with pages of opinions and concerns
Wishing to step away from your stand
But you're just too much to burn.
Aug 2016 · 512
Sunday Mornings
AllAtOnce Aug 2016
I always hated Sunday mornings
So I cursed my retail job
Doughnuts and coffee couldn’t make up
For the sound of my alarm
But that day it was different
You came in with your sunglasses on
Tattoos on your arm
And that was what could have changed it all

You said you’d pick me up at seven
That I should bring my dancing shoes along
I should’ve asked what you were on
We walked into the restaurant
It had a ballroom inside
I must have stepped on your feet
At least a hundred times
Your hair smelled like citrus
Your breath smelled of gin
Your tattoos creeped up and around
As we began to spin

You showed up one Sunday evening
It was just a couple months in
Tears streaming down your face
And I just let you in
The story came out slowly
Each chapter worse than the last
I held you in my arms as I
Tried to erase the past

I wore a white dress one Sunday morning
Flowers in my hair
The Wedding March played overhead
There was excitement in the air
You held my hand and smiled
With a chorus of “I do”s
Now we’ve got nothing left to prove
We made it all the way through

I woke up early one Sunday morning
To the baby crying next door
I set my feet on the floor
But you had gotten there before
I found you in the rocking chair
And she’s tugging on your hair
And I fell in love again

He died on a Sunday morning
Sitting in a hospital bed
I never thought it would end
Our daughter was thirty seven
I didn’t know what to do
So I went and got a tattoo
To remind me of you
So I could fall in love again
Even after it all ends

I always hated Sunday mornings
So I cursed my retail job
Doughnuts and coffee couldn’t make up
For the sound of my alarm
But that day it was different
You came in with your sunglasses on
Tattoos on your arm
But then you stopped and turned around
And just like that
It was gone
#mm
AllAtOnce Aug 2016
He's got an eye for storms so he walks right in
A Bible in one hand
And in the other a sin
Torn between who he wants to be
With everyone else pushing and prodding
He doesn't know who to believe
He's the guy at the party with the drink in his hand
Rambling about how guilty he is
But drinking as much as he can

A walking contradiction
A Bible in one hand
And in the other a sin
He can't feel the world around him
So he tears himself apart just searching
For anything that means something
A word or a song or a remedy
A book or a person or just maybe
An identity
AllAtOnce Jul 2016
Family is important cause it's all that he has
His eyes are too dark
He's got tattoos on his hands
Hiding behind a shutter and a lens
Just to he can see the world
In a better way than its been
Maybe he can't commit
And maybe he jumps around
Because that's what someone did to him
He's just a shell of who he could've been
But a few drinks too many
Stole away that chance
I guess family is important enough to breathe
Because no matter how hard they tried
They could never really leave
Jun 2016 · 194
Till I Die
AllAtOnce Jun 2016
Like the golden sun going down for the moon
I'd drop everything just for you
Not everybody makes the most of the day
Clearly not enough for you to stay
But I'm standing here tonight
Just to explain to you why
If you were to change your mind
I'm here till I die
AllAtOnce Jun 2016
I swear the Universe is whispering in my ear
"Now isn't the time, and the place isn't here."
And somehow that makes me feel a lot more alright
Than I have felt in a long while
Because I didn't miss my chance or lose track of time
The chance and the time was just never supposed to be mine.
And I swear the Universe is whispering in my ear
"You can do so much better than twelve days, one year."
No matter the signs and no matter the mix
Of signals that never mattered and were never fixed
Because the Universe is whispering in my ear
And I know for once that I shouldn't have to fear.
#my
Jun 2016 · 269
1:15 am
AllAtOnce Jun 2016
My eyes are swollen from the tears I couldn't shed
So I sat in the shower, watched the water drip off of me instead
My heart is aching like it never has before
And this time I don't know why or what for
Because the end is the end and there's nothing left
Not a feeling not a trace not a mess
My eyes are swollen from tears I wouldn't shed
So I shut them tight and passed out instead
May 2016 · 265
But it's...
AllAtOnce May 2016
I'd care about your hopes and fears
More than you look like in a mirror
I'd care about your heart and soul
But somehow you'll never know
I'd write a song; I'd strum a tune
But it's all only for you

I'd stay up so that I never dream
To avoid the thoughts, to avoid the feeling
I'd stay up to wait for a soundless call
That I don't expect to come at all
I'd build a house, paint the walls blue
But it's all only for you

I'd catch the stars with a butterfly net
To meet someone I've never met
I'd reel in the heavens with a kite and a key
Holding more electricity than we'll ever be
I'd fall in love with the man on the moon
But it's all only for you

I'd take a breath for infinity
Hoping that it'll never leave
I'd take a breath for immortality
Knowing that it's something I'll never achieve
I'd even stop the breaths for a minute or two
But it's all only for you
May 2016 · 332
The Man on the Moon
AllAtOnce May 2016
The bitter, night wind blows through my hair
Spring left April and now it's just air
But sometimes I just can't breathe
Blame it all on you, blame it all on me

The sky is dark and your eyes are the stars
A glint of something different behind the dark brown
And I swear that the man on the moon
Has absolutely nothing on you

Maybe sometimes you're a little quiet, a little sad
Pulling on the waves until they grow and crash
Just wait for the sunrise, wait for the morning
And maybe you could get some rest

Not every night has to be a full moon
Like every sky doesn't have to be blue
And not every star has to shine
But all in all, I wish they were mine

The man in the moon, the boy in the mirror
Everything suddenly seems so clear
Because you'll never again see someone so in love
With anything that hangs so far above
Apr 2016 · 336
The Cosmic Pull of Nothing
AllAtOnce Apr 2016
Grass and hopes
Fill the empty space
What to do with nothing
With nothing all over the place

Bricks and bones
Caught in a cosmic collide
Both with tough outer shells
And a beating heart inside

Mortar and muscles
Entwines everything together
Everything needs a solid foundation
For anything to matter

Flooring and nerves
Cold tiles cause cold feet
But broken vessels and broken walls
Are cracks in plaster and hollow cheeks

Homes and hearts
Finding solitude with someone who's not yourself
That is, if you can brave the storms
And make it to the end

Hail and struggles
Tears apart shingles and dreams
Then you realize that, after all
Nothing is there but feelings

Roof and head
Feelings vs. will
What to do with nothing
When it's all you think of still
Apr 2016 · 254
build/break
AllAtOnce Apr 2016
hidden
feelings
what
a
struggle
skirt
around
it and
avoid
the
rubble
---
break
the
walls
forbid
a
foundation
no thoughts
no love
no appreciation
---
take a
sledgehammer
to my
heart
to my
soul
to
everything
God
forbid
anyone
feel
anything.
AllAtOnce Apr 2016
I don't want to look at him
Not even say his name
Someday someone's going to break his heart
And I don't want to be the one to blame

One year, no months, twelve days
Just enough to matter
Someday someone will teach him how to kiss
And I don't want to have to hate her

There's so much future so much promise
Biologist and athlete
Compared to English teacher and literature
It's all just out of reach

There's so much no one knows
And so much that no one sees
Once twice thrice
Sometimes the scars still bleed

So just as this was the first one
It'll also be the last
The words locked away like a bird in a cage
And it's all in the past
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