I'm not sure who I am yet,
I'm sure where I'm going,
I don't know if I'll ever be,
Really truly me,
We spend our time inventing ourselves,
And i guess I'm just spare parts,
The way my mind thinks,
Music is my art,
A titles half the story,
A picture worth a thousand words,
I've spent my life regretting,
And feeling no self worth,
I've gotten sick and tired,
Of being sick and tired,
I've felt the way we all we feel,
At 3am alone.
I've started to stay on the internet,
Into wee hours of the morning,
Gathering scattered information.
I see my week,
A flashing blurr of distorted colors,
Emotions whirling everywhere,
Trailing one another,
I'm not sure where I'm going,
Or if you'll follow me,
I'm not sure of my roots,
If I was planted like a tree,
I haven't spent much time,
Inventing myself,
Not as much as wishing I was someone else,
But it is time to own up to,
The real and true me,
And maybe then I'll understand....

Who I'm supposed to be

And I am holding hands with my depression while it screams into a microphone
It's used to being center stage
The center of attention
Poking, proding
I'll kiss my love on the lips and it'll tug at my shirt whispering
"I'm still here"

It'll grab at me on car rides
Pinch my walking down the street
Make my nose bleed in bookstores
Break my fingers in urban outfitters
"I'm still here"
"I'm still here!"
"I'M STILL HERE!!"
Slowly getting louder as I try to push it down

Sometimes I muffle it
Quiet it
But I can never completely silence it
My hand slips
And a battle cry is released into the night
the duct tape wasn't tight enough
Or maybe my grip

I guess I stopped kicking it eventually
Stopped fighting it
Stop tying it
It was
The thing I kept in my basement but instead of me trying to make it stay and it trying to escape
it fought me to be cemented in my mind
taking all my resources starving me emotionally

Maybe sometimes physically

I accepted that it was a part of me

I let sing to me
Occasionally
After all
We're both in the basement
And we're

bored

It would sing things
Hopeless,
Frantic,
Scary things

They don't like you
There isn't a point in breathing it's mundane, it's uninteresting

You have hurt so many people and been hurt by so many people you're beginning to forget where the line is
And which side you're on

If she knew you now
She'd be disappointed
But she's dead
She died before you tried to let her learn who you grew into

They'll all die

You'll die

We are all just putting off the inevitable
Isolate yourself

You know you're happier alone
You know he doesnt really love you
So stop answering the phone


One night
My depression took out a knife
And slit her thighs
I was asleep but she bled on me all night
And in my dreams

I knew the warmth was from tragedy

Though I never bled with her
I let her keep me red

Keep me angry

"You'll never have a dad!" she yells.

"You'll never go away"
I frown at the shriveled little body of memories and chemical imbalances and tubes and guts and hearts and other dismembered parts
And I think

I've known you for so long
But i've never really looked at you

I am surprised
How different
How separate
We are

You grab me
Poke me
Yell at me
Hold me
Hurt me

But you

Are not

Attached to






                                 Me.

Caring is stress,
*Love is a mess.

Kissing you felt good

And that just makes everything more complicated

But there was love hidden in the
sadness,


I know there was.

I like space

space away from me?

No, the starry skies

I know you don't like to be alone at night

want to know something funny?

always

sometimes I wish you were here to share the sky with me

that's kind of weird

only if you want it to be

what if I do?

that's the issue

I've fallen in
Fallen out
Slipped through the cracks
I've loved many people
That could never love me back

I blew up your ego
You sent me shiny things
You can't lock your door
But we crave privacy
You were clean cut
And I've always been messy
Your past is a dark thing
My hair is light beams

We both get angry
All the time

i am a survivor from the cursed war of love
from every simple like to every simple crush
from all these stupid feelings from all these so called
winnings to lost in a river of confused feelings
misunderstood, misunderstand, misshapen, wrong
taken, problem making. life was perfectly complicated
without the war of love

Cold
I love him
You don't
I want him
You don't

Love, surfing
High tides
But when it is low
Where does the love go?

My heart will never skip a beat for your name again.

We are young
We love the idea that someone wants us
I told you last night I didn't want to be mean
You hold my hand I let you touch me
I'm trying to be kind
Because this would never work in real life
But the night is different from that isn't it?

"What's the use of writing it all down?"
She said.

"I'm just trying to keep it out of my head"

"Stupid girl"

"Stupid me?"

"You know how to ******* read."

I check my calender
I'm running out of time
But they say summer
is just a state of mind

.
.
.

One day i'll forgive you for being the way that you are
·
One day I might even stop caring about why,
·
You
·
Are
·
The
·
Way
·
That
·
You
·
Are
·
·
·
...

if you read me,
you can watch
the crazy
flick




back                                                                                                                    


and
                                    

                                                                                                                   forth

On my toes,
Hand on the barre
Your hand has my waist
I find comfort in your embrace
I lift my toes to rest in the crease of my knee
you can let go
Is what everyone tells me
I take my hand off the barre
I trust you To hold me upright 
Or at least catch me

*I fall on already bruised knees.