How could I get hopes up high?
Heart was far too heavy to fly
And body lacks a pair of wings
Tried to come despite these things
Why did I not expect the worst?
Can't imagine being put first
I cannot imagine how it feels to be needed
Can't imagine not being poorly treated
Losing is a task at which I excel
Don't let me go through more hell
Don't allow me to fall further than I am
Won't ever again about me give a ****
It hits me with sadness to see you don't care
So wistful because I have nobody there
To know other thoughts take up your mind
Disheartening and I can't help but wonder if you're blind
I cannot hug you because you are physically too far
Can only sigh and wish upon a star
Distance our enemy keeping us from peace
Every day forced to spend alone makes interest decrease

VERSE ONE:
You know me truer than I know myself
Lately I've been turning into someone else
Thoughts I place upon a shelf
Hidden cause I won't ask for help
An honest woman most the time
Except when saying I am fine
I ask the universe why I'm alive
Born to live
Live to die
A fool
Will not try to deny
Already accepted I won't make it in life
Every moment you break me it hurts a little more
Worth it feeling butterflies in my core
Were once best friends but not anymore
After the pain I guess you got bored
Would bring flowers to your front door
It wouldn't make you feel the way you did before

HOOK:
To make something happen we had a chance
Just have to remember that homecoming dance
Believe it is special
Love we share
Can you sincerely say that deep down you don't still care?

VERSE TWO:
This worse than I ever feared
Fall of everything once held dear
This where the face that used to be near
Becomes distant memory
And unclear
Built by us when we first arrived here
The smiles
Secrets
And tears
As they tug heartstrings
Feelings flooding back
Standing on piles of perseverance I lack
Through mess it's difficult to make out what's real
Can't tell if infatuation or animosity I feel
Pinned against walls that close in and seal
Inside our souls so we don't heal
Meet shadows as we bend and kneel
Wonder from the floor why the world is so surreal
Your noose hanging from a beam of steel
Your death is a choice fate may steal

(HOOK)

Shaking hand holds pen
"It is just cold" one more lie
Afraid to face truth

Difficult ditches
Beautiful angles emerge
Viewing stars better

If you aren't comfortable
On throne you sit striking a pose
Stand by me instead
If not liking the life you chose

Wrong decisions catch up
Sort it out best as we can
If you do not enjoy the direction you're going
With me make a different plan

For none of trespasses
Hurt enough to stop my love
Join me in my bed once more
Something that I'm dreaming of

If you do not love her like you love me
Lie by me and talk
I'll tutor with honest advice
Teach which thoughts to block

I'll walk with wherever you roam
Even take the lead
Tell you how special you are
Help you with whatever you need

If you hold me in your arms
Will not let you down
Give you everything she does
Make you smile when you frown

If you don't picture futures with her
On mind when you're in bed
It is safe to say she's not the one
If you cannot get me out of your head

You steal away my smile
Replacing with hurt
My mind consumed with ease
Making me think I'm dirt

I'm tired of the pain
Future dark
Bleak
Display doesn't seem like home
Gets me not wanting to speak

I try yes I attempt to move on
Right the flaws inside
Always reminded of the past
I can't run or hide

You are doing just great
Dandy
Look up with determined grit
Here below the surface
Admit defeat and quit

Sitting in room we used to waste hours in
Visions of past make my skull spin
No matter what I chase to distract from your face
Nothing strong enough to take it's place
When dark is when I suffer the most
Shadows ideal home for your ghost
Take me to place
Take into your arms
Imagining
Whole body warms
Return to your side
Return to your bed
Release from the torment inside my head

When words too wild to catch and corral onto paper
Begin to build up

Stumble on stupid thoughts stacking higher and higher

And fly the instant fingers graze their feathers

Open whole heart for you

Cautiously flip every stone so you may view it's front and back

Understand ins and outs

And where surface chips and cracks

Correct me without saying words

Context unnecessary

Highlight favorites
I can catalog your desires in my mental filing cabinet

Your memorable features listed in numerical order in one folder

And when you finally witnessed every nook and cranny
Are done exploring the regions of my body
Brain
Soul
Turn away

Then waltz out of life like a tourist catching the red eye flight home

Maybe I am where I need to be
The reason presently I can't see
Leaves with flourish spring from tree branches
Try to stay above these mental avalanches
Inside I am frozen
Hopeless
Blue
Outside I pretend it isn't true

More than not spend all day in bed
Remarkable how depression works around the clock
By the time I manage to raise my head
Sheep gather to be counted in a flock

If getting the chance to read this
Every day a brand new start
Don't dare give up on a wish
If what you long for in your heart

Seeing you and her together would certainly scathe a lot
It is seeing the epitome of everything we're not
But may be better than not seeing you at all
Except in the photographs hanging on my wall
You sent a message (I haven't bothered to read)
The first three words;
"Amanda I need"
No apology for torturing me bad
That made me pretty mad
I've liked always talking to you
Was on a ledge with a helluva view
But I am determined never to jump
I'm not going to hit the ground with a thump
I will not let you control me anymore
Best way to do that is to ignore
I hate the way I am under your magic spell
There's nothing that can save me from this hell

When pain becomes too great
That pain swallows you whole
Your only scapegoat to blame
Is own forsaken soul

Your mechanism for sleep
Is poisoning your lungs
Be freed of shadows following your feet
All responsibilities and past what you want

When finally you have to fight your fears
In your struggle miss my face
Stay the hell away from here
Complain to heart you didn't break

Our dearest love has fallen
The night arrives the same
Shocked and feeling solemn
For when darkness reclaims
It's an unpleasant surprise
Daily grave planet digs
Towards ground in varying size
Again
Pebbles and twigs
Disturbed a deeper level
Dashing beside fear
Black eyes of the devil
Secrets and lies appear
At dawn grief will linger
Faded heat of the sun
Greater the poison from the stinger
Shine is at point forced to run
Weighed down by loss I am feeling
Our frame anchored to the ground
Burden remains leaving us reeling
Within in blackness does astound
With sharp blow takes the victory
In daylight look for shame
In moon hide what we're scared to see
Have only sadness in us to blame

A cake shared with everybody
Except me

Everyone anticipating slices

So no wishes

No blowing out tiny fires in vain

No spitty frosting
Little traces of yourself embedded deep into the pits of other's stomachs

Instead tie a balloon to wrist

Showing age in slow shuffling

Open ribbon
Unwrap the gift I painstakingly chose for you this year-
NOTHING!

You treat me like minefield
Challenging to navigate
Wrong step will cause me to explode
You take caution with your gait
Got pocketfuls of problems
Neither can seem to fix
Each door we try to open
Leads to wall of bricks
You keep telling me think positively
Optimism is the key to success
When the half-full glass topples over
Still makes the same size mess
Got a fence built between bodies
Separating flaws we don't wish to see
Compatability questionable
Cannot be who you want me to be
Your expectations of me skyscrapers
So high I will never reach the top
To scale distance I'd need to sprout wings
I won't fly because I'm scared of the drop
Good enough worry is not what I am
Painting your colors dark grey
Overhead clouds pour rain and we're drowning
Wouldn't blame you if you decided not to stay

The universe is not as big as it seems
It is bigger

"A setback" is understating

World completely fallen to pieces
It has disintegrated entirely

Opportunity to make new one

Spectacular comeback?
OR
Extraordinary letdown?

The most beautiful lie I ever heard in my entire life

Can I keep hearing again and again?

Inside mind
Waiting in the very back
Teasing all day

Forgot place it originated from
Patiently rested there so long

Where am I with no trace of these words?

Now I am forcefully facing the truth

Calling friend in my time of need

Just crying out to deaf ears

No one listens

They take advantage of what I am missing

Pretty flowers have wilted and died

Butterflies in tummy flew off

Ripping the band-aid off as fast as I could

You strode into life without my permission

So I wonder why it hurts this much to watch you walk out of it

I've never felt whole as I did the moment you murmured those three perfect words

So scary thinking back how many emotions I experienced
You shared none of them

Me
And myself alone felt gravity pulling towards you faster than a magnet springs toward metal

Keeping tears as trophies to put up for show in your mental display case

Waiting for me to topple so you could catch me in your net
A specimen shown off
To use

Everything ruined with the shattering realization that when you said
"I love you"
Were merely lying

It all was a lie

Okay will someone please enlighten me on why I'm so ****** up?

Let's go over it from the beginning

Because I am baffled..