you told me that you were
just playing it safe,
careful to keep your perfectly powdered face from grime
and getting dirt under your manicured nails.
you try to maintain that posture with poise and grace,
while others break their backs and crawl
on the ground on their knees and bellies.

you told me 
that you are playing nice.
you said that you are loving, caring, kind, and generous
and all those pretty qualities.
that's true,
but 
one glance at your eyes 
is enough to know fully that 
you are also
fearful and terrified.
you are a coward:
a prisoner of pride
playing god as you place your trust on yourself.
taunted by questions of  rejection, ability, and sufficiency,
you cowered in your high tower
instead of joining the frontlines in the fight.
frozen by fear
your heart has gone too numb and cold, for
the doubt and anxiety has put out your fire.

you said that you have won it all.
but actually, 
you know nothing.
nothing!
about triumph and victory 
for though the world has plunged into calamity,
you were never one with the army.
your bright eyes has seen death
but only from the sidelines.
you defile the purpose of your armor
by keeping it perfectly polished
when it is meant to be stained by mud and blood.

you told me that you were just playing it smart.
you said that it's only rational, logical, 
the normal human response
to take every measure to avoid pain and harm.
you behold the chaos
and cry 
"they are fools!"
and
you are 
perfectly
right.
they made themselves
into proud and shameless fools
for they know well that 
the fools are the ones chosen to shame the wise.

darling, 
just
stop
playing it nice, safe, an smart
for this is not a game,
this is 
war.
strip off the crown and ball gown and
pick up your sword and armor.
from your high tower,
run
to the mountains and fields
to the homes and cities
run
to the trenches and frontlines.
for it's either you lose your self or lose the fight

soldier,
warrior,
get ready to pour out sweat, tears, 
and even blood.
though you have yet to see
still,
claim victory:
the war has already been won
before it has even begun.

*it is
done.

And so the peak of night sets in,
Attempting to cloak me with its silent comfort.
Knowing my dwelling is the most peaceful
And my working spirit, the most productive
Under its silky, brooding wing.

It tries to pull me into its embrace,
Promising to erase all traces of the day,
This which is but one of many
That of late,
Are false in promise
And rich in disappointment.

But tonight, Lady Night,
I shrug you off.
I cannot, this time, be comforted
By your velvet touch.
Do not shy away, though,
For I suspect I will call upon you yet.

Lady Night, stay and talk.
You, of all around me,
Will listen to my wandering mind,
Take in my words like
Sweet water to a tree,
Something I cannot find
In humankind.
Stay?....


Life has not smiled upon me
In a while.
I know not
What wrong I did it,
Nor how I may make
My amends,
But until I resolve
This bitter fight,
I endure its
Unexplained revenge.

Despite all this,
However,
I throw myself on
The frontlines
For everyone else.
I still have the time,
Still make the efforts,
To ensure that the people
In my life
Have the kind of friend
That has eluded me
For years.

And where has it gotten me.

Not a question,
But a statement.

Because I know where
It's gotten me.

Nowhere.

Though I've encountered
Characters of all kinds
Throughout my life,
I have never before
Been surrounded by
So many people
So wrapped up in themselves
That when the walls come
Crashing down,
And the roof starts
Falling in,
I could wrack my
Weary mind for hours
And not recall  
A single soul
Who would be interested
Or even have the time
To lend an ear to my tales.

I find this to be
The Capital
Of all double standards
And I find it odd
How this has continued
For so long,
But so has my giving in.

Odd that, as they take
What they want
And walk away
Without a second glance
Or a mere fraction
Of a returned favor -
Which, in all honesty,
Could be nothing more
Than a listening ear
And a gentle embrace,
And an unimaginable weight
Would be lifted from
My mind,
My spirit,
My heart -
I continue to let them,
The images of turned backs
Forever burned into my mind.

I continue to give
What I still yet do not have.
And I am not a thief,
So I shall not give
What is not mine.


So what is the result?

Oh, Lady Night.
If only you had eyes
That could see me.
If only the stars
You held in a gentle balance,
Like diamonds in the weave
Of a spider's trap,
Were a way for me to
Show you
Where I am.

I feel a tiredness
I cannot explain,
A weariness
That will not leave
No matter how I try
To gather rest,
Though as of late,
Sleep is
An unfriendly stranger,
Refusing to even
Make eye contact with me,
Let alone greet me,
Or stay for bit.

I feel an anger,
A disappointment,
A betrayal,
And perhaps the smallest
Sense of...
Worthlessness.

Why should I feel
Any different?

The whole has made it clear
Just how valuable
My efforts,
My actions,
My friendship,
Is to them.

And if, for that,
I could provide a
Measurement,
I would have very little
To show you
Through your starry eyes,
Lady Night.
Very, very little.

And I cannot help but wonder
Why I continue to try,
Continue to utilize
My precious energy
In an ultimately,
Infinitely futile
Attempt
To make them see,
To make them care.

It's all just as well,
I suppose.
I have always had
A rather unfortunate
Habit
Of hoping for the change
In those
Who will do everything but.


But now,
Now, in this moment,
In the dark of this night,
Let the stars,
The silence,
And the infinite
Reaches of space
Be my witnesses:

There will be no more.

At least, not now.

I will, for now,
Gather my wits
About me,
And strengthen my resolve,
Encase myself,
So that I may
Fall off the radar.

The tiny green dot
That I have become -
Or that I perhaps always was -
Will disappear,
And travel off
The beaten path
For a little while.


I only need to reevaluate,
Need to rethink,
Need to heal,
And deal with these emotions
That plague me.

They are, of course,
My burden to bear
Because as you can tell,
Any hope I had for solace
In another being,
Any hope of finding refuge
In another's ear, mind, heart, arms,
Were swiftly extinguished
Like a gust of wind
To a tea candle.

I shall no longer
Waste my time,
Shall no longer
Linger where I am not
Wanted or needed
Unless there is something
I can give,
And where I am not
Appreciated,
No matter what it is
I have given.

Self-reliance.
Constant diligence.
Lady Night.

You will be companions now.

I ask that others
Do not call upon me
When you seek
A service
Or favor
That you could not
Find
In anyone else.

I will not answer.
I will not come.

If, however,
You feel so miraculously
Inclined
To call upon me
With genuine concern
Or interest in my person,
And in who I have been
To you...

If by some hardly imaginable
Chance
You remember
And acknowledge
When I was there,
And what I did,
And what I said,
To ease your souls
While I battled the pain
Within my own...
It would be
A comforting thing
To know.

At that point,
I may return.
But not now.


Lady Night,

Your cloak, please.

i am a passenger
free to roam on the east sides
of redundancy and table manners

flower markets thrive on dawn skies
arranged as tourist spots
the baker's fair selling eggshells
cracked on cobblestone soup
meatpies sold out too soon
appleseeds scattered for birds

i sweep them all up
and see patterns grow on my skin

let it not be said i did not try, i did not do
for too soon the the heat covers the shade as well
and not even the acacia can go without thirst

fill my cup with honeydew milk
and add bittergourd and salt

i can let philistine warriors come from the backroads
and enter the frontlines
if only to join you

War is hell
That fact is easy to tell
Cause well
Bullets fly
And people die
But I'll do it
Even if it is the pit
Cause I'll be a marine
Fighting to win
You'll say its a sin
But The US must win
To protect your freedom
To ally with the united kingdom
Fight our foes
That much you should know
So out I'll go
Lay down my life
I'm sorry if it causes you strife
But I must be on the frontlines
Now is the time
I'll do so that they'll live
Ill give all I can give
Cause my life has less value
And my life I'll give to you

Hello soldier

you enlist today

goodbye soldier

you deploy today

to a well known battlefield

sanity

the enigmas written, engraved

by the lost; the many; the plenty

a never ending maze

your the frontlines

light em up

mess em up

deadly words **** by your fragile, breakable mind

at ease

no

your kamikaze mind

theyre strong

but we're stronger

hit the deck

brace for impact

your going home

no

death or glory

no

glory

fight because its instinct not orders

theyre scourge will prove faulty

we are united

we fight on!

we wont hurt anymore

we are free

in a world of peace, for peace

we stand

together

standing in puddles of our own maroon.

we stand.

How does your desire to heal foreign wounds
translate into open skies
of flaming reds and solemn blues
ready to soak up all the rain
that drizzles on the frontlines
you’ve carved along the horizon
of pain still unspoken for

and you do everything to make it yours

sweet yesterday, where did you go?
its been long since i've seen you even more since we spoke
and i've been meaning to tell you the camels back broke
and i've lost sight of things since i last time i wrote
and i know that you hate these notes i'm just trying to cope
somehow it helps to know i let you know
that i'm doing alright without you, once again
i no longer live in sin on the outside looking in
i'm the kid on the frontlines wearing skin too thin
and the levis are ripped, i got ****** scabs to match
i've been moving so fast that my mom can't patch
this hole in my heart i tried to fill with a spark
but i lost my grip and it left its mark
i don't know how many times ive had to curse this *****
somebody tell me, why's it always gotta be like this?
i remember when it was fine and we were just running
but now she's starting to take friends away from me
i've been thinking of the best way to say that we miss you
i wanna put my fist through glass cause it hurts too bad
to think about all of the things that you should've had
so i'll sit back, got some pictures out of storage
ill crack and orange for you, its sad but it's true
that you passed on throught without saying goodbye
but its alright we just want to apologize
sorry you had to go through it all alone
a guy like you deserves to be at home
with friends by your side and smiles in your eyes
not cold in the grass by yourself late at night
you never know when that drink will come and take your loved ones life
but just keep telling yourself you'll be alright
suicide by installments a day at a time
tip your glasses to the sky and hope tomorrow brings new light to life
while we scream
look Johnny B, you're finally free
go run your heart out, boy
know that we will be chasing
orange soda tasting, hawiian shirt raising, facing our fears
for you

My sister was my first ward.
When GOD saw fit to send
her to me he forgot to include any warnings.
She would drink all the juice,
and play with all the toys.
She was cuter then me, smaller than me,
and could not sin. At least that’s what my family thought.
I didn’t know it was possible to love and hate that hard until we grew up.
As a fledgling guardian I had to do well in school,
respect teachers, and keep out of trouble
because she followed in my wake.
I was her windbreaker that protected her from the storm.

My overprotectiveness of all Double X chromosome
carriers is pretty much her fault.
I made plans at night on how I would keep us both safe
if we ever had the misfortune of being alone in the world.
I blazed trails and fought demons
so she would never know darkness.
And I failed.
I made her hate me and the weird thing was I was content
with the hate because she was safe.
She’ll never see the horrors of the frontlines.
Never know my scars.

It’s taken two years to get my best friend back.
No matter what happens or the gap that may arise
she will always be my friend.
Now I’ll always mess with her, give her advice,
answer when she calls, remind her of her embarrassing moments,
and I will always be the first to defend her.
She’s my littlest one and I’ll have her back until the day I leave this world.
Love you lil sis sis.

There I am,
Staring at the snowy television,
Thinking about what was said.

I met a girl in my dreams,
Her name was Clyda,
and she stood under the cotton candy skies,
and told me that I mattered.

She gave me a cigarette,
which even in my dreams,
I can't stay away from,
and pointed at the caps on the
mountains that framed the horizon.

I'm really not that sad,
nothing's happened to me,
to make me feel this way.

But I guess the worst type of war,
is the one that creates terror,
on it's own frontlines.

The headlines are always bad news
Screams pull the night apart
Low tearing an old would open
To never heal
He said he loved her
I can't blame it on the the Tetons

What once was beauty
Colors change then fade to black
art becoming nothing
I don't even know how to story goes
Lions and lambs
But this autumn growing colder

The Frontlines inside my head are raging
Dreams fail down around me
Sorrowful September
With leaves falling
I never knew her favorite band
I can't blame it on the Tetons

It must have been Hell
Those eyes so cold
Those eyes which once were loving
And even the angels cried
He said he loved her
I never knew her favorite band
Rest in peace Gabby Petito

Kids are cruel,
Realizing you'll never be a ladie's man,
Twelve years old,
Over looked, walked past as if I was laundry,
On the floor of a lackadaisical bachelor.

Questions begin to whirl,
Is it you? Is it me? Am I not physically capable?
See I am as beautiful as my confidence should make me,

Right?

Loneliness heavily consumes the boundaries of confidence.
Build your home on stone,
Raise your flag through the tools of war,
Be the loudest war cry so each maiden takes notice.

But I am not a soldier on the frontlines,
I am the poet, in the jail cell writing "The flag was still there."
Staring at the mounds of bodies of more able bodied men than myself,
Holding it in place.

Ramparts are the beating of my screaming heart,
Bullets sent straight from my mouth, tear through the flesh of those who find love to be aloof of,

What creativity truly means.

It means you watch from the sidelines,
While the quarterback walks away with the girl of your dreams,
Soldiers wear uniforms that gleam, sweeping a woman clear off her feet,
Bar fight heroes win her heart by never seeing defeat,
Drug dealers and users trap her with promises they could never keep.

Yet here I am, still sitting in my seat.

There's nothing wrong with making believe,
I guess I just find myself pondering,

It's probably me.

We live a life of invisible lines
Hierarchies and territories
Boundaries and margins
Precincts, frontiers, mainlines
State lines, guidelines,
Air lines, hair lines, color lines, bottom lines,
frontlines, punchlines

But, come on.

Read between the lines

Each border is not designed to remind us of our limitations
Or to define our state of mind
What’s yours what’s mine

All I know is the song
“my heart is…” um… line?

Nevermind.
I am the air
I am the wind that moves seamlessly
Fearlessly across your face, across your race, across your space
Not just because I can but because I cannot stop myself

The only place I belong is everywhere
So get in line
Cross the chasm and engage
Because invisible divisible incipit individuals
Are not the ones you want taking up space

Only ONE RACE
the HUMAN RACE.

The dividers
and conquerors
all trying to convince you
otherwise.

And they are
NEVER
on the frontlines.

They
manipulate
you
stirring up
emotions
hatred.

That people should die
for the mistakes
of the few.

God hates those who stir up strife.

The only
so-called
winners
are the manipulators
the millionaires and billionaires...

those who orchestrate
the mess
who PAY people
TO HATE...

turning them into mercenaries
MERCENARY
HATERS
AND
MURDERERS

and NOT for the reasons
they think.

The ORCHESTRATORS
don't care
ONE WHIT
about the cause

ONLY
about the
POWER and CONTROL
they
HOPE TO GAIN

when they
"HAVE TO"
quell the mess
and put out the fires

Which
THEY CREATED
by
THEIR MANIPULATIONS.

BEWARE
how people
try to use your emotions

for
THEIR GREEDY GAIN

TO CONTROL
YOU.

WE ARE ALL
ONE
RACE

THE HUMAN RACE.

Reach out
try to
LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR

YOUR BLOOD IS ALL THE SAME!

WOUNDED

ONE
DROP OF BLOOD

IT'S
ALL THE SAME.

cj 2016
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

It's like a magic formula.  Apply it to any situation, and improvement begins almost immediately.  Think of what the world would be like if we all used this as a guideline--never rude, always kind, patient...We would have heaven on earth.---Debbie Macomber
#love   #hate   #patience   #kindness   #emotions   #manipulation   #rudeness

I have to keep pushing forward
Fighting each battle
I forget why I’m here
I can’t remember what exists
Past all the pain and the fear
I don’t have time to rest
I can’t afford the luxury of breath
I’m engaged in a war
Where sides simply don’t matter
You’d never expect it of me
Spending all my time on the frontlines
I’m bleeding, bruised, and broken
Somehow I’ve been shattered
Thousands of the sharpest pieces
Self-created weapon set on attack
Like my own cold war missile crisis
I’m just trying to create myself
How can this agony have meaning
The loss of my innocence
Destruction of my very being
I’m less of a person each time and it aches
This is the price I pay for staying alive
On a battlefield made of childhood
All I know is how to keep moving
One small footstep in front of the other

They use their voice
at the behest of good reason.
After perfecting the words like edge of an spear
and marking the victims that they will pursue.
Then with ease and sincerity
they release a volley of arrows.
An arrow will pierce our flesh,
with this hope we too stand at the frontlines.

But here you are
On the frontlines
Fighting a war
For someone who will never
Wage the same battles
For you

Maybe we were never meant to be
I never saw the warning signs
Maybe I was never good enough
Dark clouds washed away the sun

And if you call my name, Can you hear
The echos coming from the halls
I’m not your criminal, bound by the
Chains you tied around my wrists

And you let me down
Stabbed my back, just to watch me bleed
Left me all alone
You cut me out, just to watch me fall
I saw the devil in her eyes
It’s eating me alive

And she screams at me
Throwing empty words like hand grenades
And I’m losing sleep
Singing songs of broken serenades

I always seem to lose myself in you
Even when you don’t want me to
Ashes to ashes, we’re turning to dust
An eye for an eye, we slowly start to rust

And you let me down
Stabbed my back, just to watch me bleed
Left me all alone
You cut me out, just to watch me fall
I saw the devil in her eyes
It’s eating me alive


My mind feels like a battlefield
Every breath is a war
My hearts on the frontlines
I can’t take it anymore

Thrown into the drakness where i fought to survive
Holding onto hope like im on the frontlines
Theirs no denying all the pain inside
So i make another cut just to feel alive.
They say pain is for the weak, id have to disagree
but the pain in loving you gots me all shades of fifty
Ah no no
Ill tell you about my sickness & how i feel inside
Itll make your skin crawl while you run in hide

Grabbing on to the thin cigarette trees
we’d take the steep path down to the creek,
sat on that freckled stone while catching our breath,
we could hear trains in the distance,
you’d imitate them, the whistles, and hisses.
I’d throw my head back in laughter, and wait for an echo.
As a teen, you would imagine the trains arrived
to pick up the lucky, who found their way out.
I asked you if you ever considered
that maybe those trains brought the broken back home as well.
You didn’t understand then.
Today I imagine you, small suitcase, heavy heart,
on the train to inspect what is left of that beautiful, big, old house,
I see you mentally sorting through what remains;
Maybe the smooth rocks, plucked from the creek,
by a child who wanted nothing but to leave,
and today could not possibly come back home.
California is on fire.
the sky is blood orange,
the sky is Big Stick red,
the sky is end of the world blue.
The woman on the news informs me it’s fire season,
and we’ve yet to reach its peak.
I become increasingly annoyed
as she refers to herself as "on the frontlines"
while standing in the parking lot of a Wendy’s,
in heels, and a short dress,
knowing nothing of what you have lost.

she likes sausage for breakfast
but we don't cook the eggs
then it's on to the next one as she's checking her texts
she's vegetarian and always late
from a generation that just couldn't wait
to not be sober and now they're older;
a body count that could outrank soldiers
storming the frontlines, nobody told her
be still for a minute and let someone hold her
so it's on to the exodus, on to the next one
never sticking around like Teflon
if you've a big one, you might share a shower
but best believe she'll be dust in an hour